My Son's Friend Punched Him in the Eye After Teasing Him and Pushing Him.

Makes no sense to me, but this seems to be the way things are now. I HATE it. My 6 year old daughter is getting treated unfairly by her former best friend. It's not bullying YET, but is quickly getting there.

All I can seem to get the school to do is keep them separated. The one saving grace in all of this is that both girls are in separate classes, so the other girl's opportunities are only at recesses, lunch and the walk home from the school.

Mom, lets go back to kindergarten and remember the rules about school.

You believe 50% of what your child goes on at school, and they will believe 50% of what your child tells them goes on in your home.

Did you see this happen with your own eyes?

These events are never just black and white. Things could have been escalating for a long time.

You will probably never know exactly what went on and how each child contributed to all of this, so your next step is to give this a break and at another time after you have gained your sons trust, that you are not so upset and you really want to know the truth, even if your son did not originally tell you everything, you will not be upset or mad. You will drop this whole incident so you all can move on.

My deal with these situations was to tell our child that, I know that when I am upset or mad at someone, many times, they may feel the same as me and that is ok. We are friends with people, but we do not always agree, we may get our feelings hurt, or be embarrassed in front of them, but we still can be friends. We need to use our words and sometimes, we need to learn to walk away. When they were teasing him, etc.. THAT is when he should have walked away to find an adult.

If this disagreement started for a reason, wouldn't you want to know the truth, even if your child is not the innocent one in the first place?

I have watched children that can drive their friends round the bend for being too needy, too bossy, or irritating. Yes, the children have told this child to stop, they have walked away but the child keeps on with their behavior. Sometimes, I think some children become so frustrated they react instead of handling it the way they normally would have.

And sure, it could be that these boys all got together and decided to just beat up your son, but it is not my experience that 11 year old boys plan events like this.

And yes, I think it is an excellent solution for them to work together and learn to get along.

Kids lie.
Then, who knows what will happen.
Even after that group school project together.
They will either still be friends or just not be.
And you need to look out for, further incidents that may or may not happen. Even after their 'group therapy' project.

I work at a school.
I caught a kid making trouble.
I went up to him and reprimanded him.
Per the Teacher's request, I took him to the office, and wrote up a report.
The Counselor then followed up on it, as per his job and processing.
Well, the Counselor with the boy, came and talked to me too.
Well, RIGHT in front of me, the boy lied. He said he didn't do, what I said he did and wrote him up for.
He, lied.
The Counselor asked me to reiterate what happened. I did.
The boy still lied and said he didn't do it.
The Counselor then asked me, again, about the incident.
And I said, I saw it, FIRST hand, with my own eyes. It was not hearsay. I, saw, it.
But so, because the boy lied. The Counselor knew... that it would be a problem. Why? Because, when the Counselor then tells the boy's parents... they will believe him. And his lie. And will not believe the school staff, who said he caused trouble.
Do you see, how COMPLICATED this can be... even for, school staff?

After that, the Counselor was miffed.
I don't blame him. He was "stuck"... having to explain all of this, to the boy's parents. And there was 2 different stories about the situation.
But I know now, that he (the Counselor) sorta does not believe me, either.
But I, was not lying.
I know what I saw. And his Teacher knows, this boy is constant trouble and SHE told me to take him to the office.
But the Counselor, well, after awhile and after seeing so many lying kids, and parents year after year... well, its hard to really discern, what really happened.
School, hazards.
If a kid is lying about something, you can't just prove it.
I even am a bit disgusted about it too, now.
Unfortunately.
The kid still causes trouble.
But I feel pegged now.
And will look to "witnesses" to elaborate on anything else, I may "catch" a kid doing. If not, well... kids lie.
And make others look bad, even if that is school, staff.

And the kids who lie, don't even care.
And some Teachers, will believe their student, over another school staff.
The students bat their eyelashes and make puppy dog eyes and act all innocent.
Even the kids that come from "good" families, do this.
I see it everyday.

Actually, it does sound like you need to get everyone in the same room so they have to agree on the real story. Until you do that, they won't take responsibility because it's one kid's word against the other. You didn't explain why your son was going to get in trouble. By who? The police? The school? Why is he getting in trouble?

You called the police???? He's 11. It won't be the last fight he gets into. And you are surprised that the school isn't doing anything? You know what...they can't. You know why? Because high strung parents like to sue.

I love the concept of "trust in the system". Hyper-defensive and protective parents have effectively ruined "the systems" ability to do anything at all.
Teach your son to defend himself. Not to tattle and wait for someone else to solve his problems for him. He will a) stop being bullied and b) become a strong independent kid.

I'm sorry if this sounds rough, but when I was growing up (and I'm 36, BTW), you learned to defend yourself and you did it. The school came second. Coincidentally, we were the last generation of non self-entitled people that solved problems directly.

Yes, you're too emotionally wrapped up.
You'll likely never know the whe ACCURATE story.

Sorry, but what you're describing doesn't sound like bullying.
It was typical tween, middle schooler behavior.
And your son broke the unwritten "bro code." He tattled.
At 11? Not cool. Social death.
Does your son know how to defend himself?
Soundalike your son escalated this to the physical level by pushing someone, then when HE got hit--ran for an authority figure.

I don't know, like you I wasn't there. I am hearing your version of your son's version which may not be anywhere near the truth. The fact is you son may have been the aggressor. The school has no way of knowing and they are doing the best then can to make it work.

Being hit is not being bullied, it is being hit. What lead up to it is anyone's guess. Just because your son was hit doesn't make him the victim.

Not that I am saying this is what happened because I don't know what happened but there is a blog post on here somewhere where a mom watched her three year old harass these two four year olds. They told her they didn't want to play with her but she kept following. The whole time mom was watching. Eventually the little girls pushed her out of frustration. Because her daughter was pushed her mom felt her daughter was the victims. The one hurt is not always a victim.

Have you considered the system is shedding light on the truth only you don't want to hear the truth?

Where was your son after school? Why was he on school property? Who was in charge?
If he was on his own, unsupervised, then it's his word against the other kids'.
In that case, I'm not sure how you can prove who is telling the truth and who is lying. Even if you get the police involved, the boys are all likely to point the finger at each other (it was his fault, he started it, etc.)
Now if he was at a school sponsored after school program then the school DOES have responsibility here, because he was in their care.
So what's the full story?
The more details you provide the better advice you will receive.

I'm truly sorry this is happening to your son but I'm not sure how the school is responsible?
You said this happened "after school" so where was he, walking home, hanging around the playground, what?
Unless he goes to after school care there's no supervision, therefore the school can't be held responsible.
If you think he's in an unsafe situation you should either pick him up, have him take the bus or have him enrolled in after school care, where he won't be vulnerable to these kinds of things.
I don't know why Doris Day said "get a lawyer" what's a lawyer going to do, sue/charge a child with no evidence or proof? That's insane.
Just be a good mom, get your son home safely from now on, there's no reason he should be left alone after school fending for himself.

Well, if I was punched in the eye by a coworker, I'd file a police report and press charges. Why should it be different for kids? Honestly, I think that 90% of the problem with bullying and physically aggressive behaviors in children is this "boys will be boys, just let them brawl it out" mentality.

I disagree and think it's positively ridiculous to act like this is acceptable behavior. I think that parents need to teach their kids to interact socially without it coming to blows, because coming to blows is unacceptable behavior in the adult world....and eventually, those aggressive kids will be adults.

ETA: Well, your son admits to pushing as well. I'd say that, like WW said, they're all wrong. And I think you were also wrong for calling the kid's dad after your husband had already done so.

You could see what steps you can take, like going up the "bad behavior" ladder. For example, if you take steps the school recommends regarding bullying, and it keeps going, soon enough you get to the point of having to have a conference with the parents, then suspension, then kicked out. See what the first step is, do it, then if it persists, do the next thing, until it stops. I don't know if this is what you should do, as I have not dealt with this, but hope you figure out a solution and steps to take. I'm sorry this happened to your child, and hope everything works out for you.

This has become a he said - she said.

Your son pushed back. So from where I stand? They are ALL wrong. Is it possible that your son is not telling you the whole story? Is it possible that he said something to one or all of the boys earlier and they decided to "get even"?

What did you want from the other parents when you called them? Your husband had already talked with them. Were you looking for something more?

What consequences do you want to happen with the other child? While your son was being picked on, he pushed back. What consequences does he receive for pushing? It's NOT a one-way street.

The school should have interviewed each child separately.

many schools are about "mediation" teaching kids how to deal with each other when there is conflict. Maybe that is what your school is trying to do. Getting them on common ground and being able to work out their differences.

I know that if my son pushed back and the school had a zero-tolerance policy - I would have to support the school in the consequence for my son. Just because he's provoked doesn't mean he has to take the bait. It's HARD. It's REALLY hard. I get it.

STOP making your son 'relive' it. Have him figure out how he can handle confrontation and conflict in the future. You are NOT going to be there holding his hand for the rest of his life. He NEEDS to be able to learn and deal with conflict.

Hope this helps!

Both of my sons have been involved in similar incidents at school. Our school always tries to call in students that were around and witness to the incident, but not involved, just to try and get an honest story (or to at least back up one story). I would not have contacted the police, I would have contacted the principle at the school.

M

All of the kids involved need to have regular appointments with the school counselor to learn how to cope with emotions and learn about bullying - individual and meetings together as a group. You won't figure out what happened in this case, but they can learn from it and prevent a second round. I personally think it's fine that you called the police. Yes they are 11, but it is not right at any age to punch someone in the face. That kid needs to learn that now.

Honestly what it sounds like is they were all messing around and it escalated and your son was hit.

Your husband handled it and then you jumped in so I'm not sure what is really going on. You called the police? Good grief. I think that was completely overkill on your part. I would have discussed it with the school and let it stay at that level.

In the end, they all were doing things they shouldn't have done, unfortunately, your son got the worst of it.

Think the Parent Trap. The camp put the kids together to work on stuff and they worked through their issues. With proper supervision this might be exactly what they need to see all the different sides and put together what actually happened.

All in all, 3 boys hitting 1 boy is wrong. Even if your son was being the bully they had the choice to walk away and leave it alone.

I'd make sure this was followed through all the way. This way if YOUR boy is doing some bullying you can address it right now.

This is one of the reasons I despise zero tolerance rules. Yes, your son was provoked and picked on, but since he pushed he is as much at fault as the others. Ridiculous. My son stood up to some friends to try to stop a food fight and pushed one kid gently in the shoulder - he got detention for touching the other kid.
The school's hands are tied, he physically acted out and they have to punish that. At this point I would shift from trying to make sure there are consequences for the other kid to trying to make sure this is removed from my kid's record at the end of the year. This could seriously affect him in middle school if he wants to play sports or extracurriculars as it's logged in the system as fighting. That's what I did for the 'pushing' incident where my son broke up the food fight, I got it downgraded to a lunch detention with assurances it will be removed at the end of the school year.

No matter who started it, like you, I'd be way upset that my child had a black eye.

I want to say that I'm sorry some posts are insisting your son probably lied, there is "no victim," etc. We are all conditioned now to be suspicious of our own kids because we know oh so much about child psychology, right? "They're kids and kids will lie so of course your child is lying to you and you don't know what really happened!" is something I see a LOT -- a bit on here, but much more on some other parenting sites where parents seem very quick to tell other parents that the kids in question surely are lying. You know your son; we don't. You clearly have spent serious time talking to him about this; we haven't. You believe him and are defending him. Right on.

Sadly, the school will always use the "We do not know what happened so we must assume that everyone involved is at fault" card. That's just what they have to do because it protects the school -- not the kids. That's why your son is likely to be punished the same way as the kids who hit him ad there will be little you can do about that fact. But you CAN be sure he knows that you have gone to bat for him; he knows that you believe him and have his back and there will not be repercussions at home no matter what school says. You can clearly acknowledge with him that you believe the punishment is unwarranted but that it will happen and after that it's time to move on. Talk to him about how institutions sometimes protect the institution before they protect people, and why that is disappointing but he should know that it does not mean school itself is bad. If he has teachers whom he really likes and trusts (especially a male teacher), can you enlist that teacher or teachers to talk with him, maybe more than once?

I do question the whole "have them do a class project together" thing. That sounds utterly weird and almost as if someone in the school made that up on the fly -- it sounds like a VERY poor idea. I would go today to the school counselor (without your son) and ask him or her to intervene; say that while you recognize that your son is going to be punished, the idea of then forcing these kids together on an academic, graded project is not something you will support and you would like the counselor to mediate when you tell the school that.

I would be very puzzled at any classroom teacher WANTING to do this project -- was it the principal's office that came up with this idea?? Is there an actual project that all these kids would be assigned anyway as part of the normal curriculum or is this some made-up project that is just for these kids, just as a way to force them together? If the former -- I would still resist having him work with them. If the latter -- that's "make-work" and is ridiculous.

This is unfortunately where you'll find out if the counselor has guts and a brain or is just going to do whatever the administration says. I hope your son has at least one great teacher with whom he'd be willing to talk and who is willing to talk with him and not be cowed by the administration. If that won't work, consider having him talk with a trusted Boy Scout leader or church leader or sports coach or martial arts teacher or whatever works. Not that you and your husband aren't good sounding boards -- it just may help your son to have another, outside adult believe him and say it's going to be OK. This is your son's first experience with unfairness on a truly institutional scale and it will rock his world. This will not keep him out of college or ruin the rest of his life -- but he will not see that right now.