10 Yr Old Lying Constantly, Advice Please

I am wondering if he lies about little things just because he can? Or does he lie about things that would keep him out of trouble? In my mind tha tis an important distinction. If he lies just because he can and enjoys lying just for the sake of it then I would definitely take him for an evaluation. If his lies are to get out of trouble and such then I woudln't be as worried.

My 9 yo went thru a crazy stage of lying a couple years ago. Even telling classmates that Michael Jackson was coming to his bday party...everyone laughed at him cuz of course he was dead. I told him that no one would believe him when he really was trying to tell the truth. Then I used that against him, he would come home and say things like, "mom, tomorrow is pickle day, I need $1 so I can buy a pickle". I would say, "I don't believe its pickle day because you tell lies and I dont know when you are telling me the truth."And I didn't give him a $1. It didn't take long before he got it and stopped. I would just use opportunities to tell him WHY we don't lie. And I would tell him something, and he would say, "are you lying mom?" and I would say, "have I ever lied to you?" and he would say, no. and I would say, then you can believe me because I'm telling you the truth. So really, in these situations, when no one, including his friends, believe anything he says, then he will get it. Good luck!

Is he just making up outlandish stories like the Michael Jackson thing mentioned or is it more to get out of doing something? Like saying he cleaned his room when he didnt. If its the more silly kind, maybe you could turn it into something positive like short story writing or acting in local theatre. For example he says he saw a flying pig outside, I would say thats a funny story, why dont you write it down, or type it up on the computer and we can read it together later. If its the other kind of lying, thats a little different. Negative attention is still attention and it sounds like he is getting a LOT for lying. It might ne why he keeps doing it. If he tells you a suspected lie, 1st I would give him a chance to get out of it, like are you sure your homework is done? Because Im going to check, why dont you check again and make sure you didnt forget anything. If he still insists its done, check it, If its not done just have him sit down and do it, like oh, you forgot your math afterall, why dont you sit down and do it. If you turn it into a powerstruggle, thats what it will be, and its one hes clearly winning, lol. If you ' catch' him telling the truth make a huge.deal out of it. And try to relax, its probably just a phase, more annoying than most, but it will pass.

My almost 12 yr old son does the same and has for years! Sometimes he tries to "make a joke" which is just a made up something and when I tell him he's lying he says it was a joke. I've done where he doesn't get something because I can't be sure if he's being honest and that's helped more than anything I think. Both you and your husband are right - he needs to deal w/the consequences of his actions (he will get caught by friends/relatives/teachers, etc) and he needs to be taught it's not ok to lie. Momto1andahalf & MzKitty both had good ideas to cope --I'm not sure counseling is mandatory -- try some of these on your own first. Boys are notorious for not opening up easily in counseling and you're not alone. I am fairly sure it's more a boy thing than girl -- at least in my house it is. Encourage him to write down stories -- my son hates reading but loves writing mystery stories -- and they're really good! PM me if you need to vent or just another mom going through the same thing!!

I'm confused by the statement that your husband wants "us" to go to counseling. Does "us" mean you and your husband? Or the both of you plus your son, for family counseling?

Why is your husband wanting counseling if he also believes a counselor will tell you the same thing he is? That makes it sound as if he is only interested in counseling because he believes it will back his "side" of this dispute. If the counselor disagrees with him -- will he stick it out and continue the counseling? Will you stick it out, if the counselor agrees with him? As long as you and your husband are on totally different pages about how to handle this, your son will keep lying.

I would go for the counseling, with all three of you seeing an experienced family counselor. I would also be sure to get a firm commitment from your husband that no matter what the counselor says -- in other words, if the counselor disagrees with him -- your husband will still continue with counseling. I suspect he might want to bail if the counselor does not say what he expects and wants. And are there other reasons he is in favor of counseling? Other than wanting you to hear a professional back him up?

You need to get at the root of the lying. This is an age when lies do get started just because kids are testing boundaries in a normal (but very irritating and, yes, wrong) way. Or there may be more going on here than mere boundary-pushing; your son may fear that if he tells the truth about certain things, he will be punished, and would rather take the chances of lying and possibly evading punishment than telling the truth and getting punished for sure. Is the form of punishment in use in your house something he should be this worried about?

Have you sat your son down -- NOT when he's just been caught in a lie, but when he's calm and things are quiet, and you are calm too -- and talked with him about the lying? With your promise at the start that he can say anything, express any feeling about it, and there will not be punishment, just a conversation? That might start unlocking the reason why he's lying. He does not understand yet that he is losing your trust, and he obviously is unaffected by seeing his siblings getting outings and treats when he doesn't. Some communication skills are needed here. And yeah, I'd go for the counseling.

I agree with your husband- you have tried the "teaching" approach, it is not working, if he is still lying. I would say, sit down and have a talk with him - he is 10, not a baby, not a toddler or preschooler, a pre-teen - he does need to start taking responsibility for his own choices and the consequences of those choices, including lying. Remind him that Thou Shalt Not Lie. is one of the 10 commandments ( if you are Christians or Jewish that should be a big deal), also tell him lying is not acceptable in your family, and remind him of the bigger consequences of lying - losing people's trust and confidence in you/your word, thus losing friends and supporters, also mention that sometimes, little white lies, or jokes, or stories can lead into bigger and bigger lies. Let him know that from now on , he will be dealing with the consequences of his own lies, you will not be rescuing him - if he lies and tells you his homework is done, and it is not, he will have to deal with the grade reduction - not get an excuse from you for the teacher(because that would be another lie BTW) - if he lies and says his chores are done, and they are not, he will get more chores to make up for it when you find out, or if he lies about other things that don't have a logical/natural consequence, you will not be able to trust what he says. Maybe read/talk about a version of the story "The Boy Who Cried "WOLF!" If he knowingly does something that is wrong, over and over, and you keep rescuing him and trying to "teach" him, it is obviously not working - natural consequences should work better.

I lied to my dad about something when I was about 7, I don't remember what it was, but it was a pretty big/important thing, not some little white lie/joke/story. Lying was a huge "offense" in our house. My parents had already/previously made that clear, through talks, and reading about lying when smaller things had happened, and the 10 commandments - the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." So, like your son, I knew lying was wrong, and I knew I was lying. The consequence was that for a period of time ( I don't know how long, but looking back to that 7 year old memory, it seemed like forever) my parents made a point of making sure they couldn't trust/believe what I told them anymore, because of that lie - they made sure if they asked me something, and I answered them, they would make a point in front of me, to check my answer with the other parent or another adult/teacher/babysitter/grandparent ( to make sure it was the truth) and not to just go on my word. It made a huge impact, and to this day ( I am 34) I CANNOT lie to my parents, and basically I am a very truthful person - I will occassionally avoid saying anything, if the truth will hurt someone, but I have never intentionally lied since that incident.

Good Luck!

Jessie

Hi I also have an almost 10 year old girl but she id ADHD and ODD and I see with her Oppasitital Definace Disorder she trys to lie but with her medications and counceling it is pretty much under control so I would sugest to get tested and go to counceling with him. And no I do not agree with your husband

I for sure would take him to counciling. Let them work with him and then give you pointers on how to deal with it. In my house the way we deal with lying is spanking their butts. They also get things taken away. We tell them if you do something that you know you will get in trouble for you better tell the truth. You still may get in trouble but you will get in much less trouble if you lie. Time outs never worked for them. And if spanking does not work or you don't believe in it I would start taking things away. The only thing you are required to give your child is a bed, covers, a roof over their head and food. If you have to start taking everything out of his room do it. Make the punishment harsher.

Good luck and God Bless!!!!!!!!

I have no idea what a psychologist/counselor is going to say but if I thought what my child was telling me was a lie, I would let him/her know that I don't believe them but would not implement a consequence until you find out FOR SURE that it's a lie and then yes, a logical consequence is in order.

You have tried to teach your child from birth not to lie - it hasn't worked. Now your son needs to learn WHY he shouldn't lie (logical consequence).

I recently read the book NurtureShock and there is a very interesting chapter called Why Kids Lie. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation and help all of you make some better decisions about the solution! Best wishes

I honestly believe that the best way for children to be taught basic "rules" of life, is for them to make mistakes and learn from the consequences that stem from them - early, while the stakes are lower. A counselor might help identify his motivations for lying and could be extremely helpful in dealing with the problem, but it's also your job as a parent, to help him learn from his mistakes - and it should be done in an empathetic and loving manner (not judgemental, condescending or patronizing).

Take a look at this resource from Love & Logic http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-163-childhood-lying-st...

Good luck!

I have looked this up on the net...for my SS's...they go both ways...some advice says to ignore it, cuz it is an attention seeking behavior. others say to confront and punish. I havent found a common way excpet to catch them in the lie, and confront...it has gotten better since i used a recorder once. seriously.

I'm sorry but your question is vague and hard to understand.
What do you mean by lying? Do you mean he lies about breaking a rule so he doesn't get into trouble, or do you mean he makes up stories, like an overactive imagination?
And exactly who is your husband suggest going to counseling, the two of you, or the whole family?
Personally, if your husband is open to counseling I say go for it! Most men only consider that route as a last attempt at saving an otherwise failing relationship. Why wouldn't you want to hear what a professional, UNBIASED third party has to say anyway? Seems like it would be a good thing!