My Son Is Almost 3 and He Is Definitely Terrible!

Dear T.,

Well, the first thing you do is to take a deep breath and pray for wisdom.

Then, the next thing you do is NEVER to give in to Mr. 2 1/2 year old about what he wants. Tell your mother in law that you are going to let him cry and scream until he is quiet,after he finishing crying, you wash his face with a cool cloth, blow his nose, give him a drink of water, and go out into the family without making any comments about him being a bad boy or a good boy. Just be glad that he finally shut up. You may have to stay in the room with him while he cries, do not give up. I'm telling you that I have been there done that, and it works. They do carry on for quite some time, but it is worth every moment that you are patient. Tell Dad and Grandma that I said so. I bet that you have success after about 4 or 5 of those crying fits.

My son cried for 5 afternoons straight, a little less time each afternoon and then 15 minutes and that behavior was over. That was in the day when Mommies ironed, so I got my ironing done that week and then some mending too, because I wanted to hear every breath so that I could rescue him if he choked. That's all. Sincerely, C. N.

Honestly, it is not the terrible two's. It is the terrible three's. I have five kids and all of them tried the same things at three.

You may want to tell your mother in law to stop butting in when it comes to disciplining or child.

Hi T.,
I have a 3 year old son too and you're not alone.. He gets difficult at times. Honestly, I do the tough love thing.. It works for us.. If he's whining and throwing a fit and giving me dirty looks, etc... I tell him he's not getting what he wants until he can behave. Sometimes that's me telling him to go to his room if he's gonna cry because he's crying for no reason! I have actually put him in his bed crying because he was acting up and I told him that he could stay there until he was finished. Low and behold a few minutes later he was yelling "Mom I'm done crying now"!!! So I went back in and sat with him and talked to him about what had happened and we were ok. My biggest thing is that sometimes I feel really terrible about acting that way towards him because I love him so much but I find it really does help us. If he throws a fit over something and starts to dictate to me what I need to do I tell him not to talk to me that way and if he wants something how do you ask for it and his attitude for the most part turns around. -I hope that helps out to some extent!
As far as the milk at bedtime.. Well, I've been to the dentist with my son already about his 2 front teeth.. At night the kids don't have good spit to get the milk thats sitting in their mouth off their teeth so it can cause cavities.. Do I still give my son milk- unfortunately-yes, but I do dilute it with water.. Actually it mainly is water and about 2 in. from the top of his straw sippy I put a bit of milk just so he'll have a little milk taste. I have got it down to where we only give him maybe 1/2 a cup at bedtime.. and I'll tell him before we even hit the bed that that is all he is getting for the night but can have more when the sun comes up!- and if he fusses or cries or whatever I tell him he can't have it if he's gonna act like that. So he straightens up and he gets it.. As far as your M-I-L, you need to do what YOU think is best for YOUR child! I have a really "strong" M-I-L too (I don't live with her but we have a house for my mom behind ours- and my mom and I knock heads all the time about my son) and if you have to step on toes DO IT.. Tell her you realize she raised a family too but this is what you feel is right for your child! There are things that I won't back down on for either mother because what I do is working and when they see that maybe they will understand- Of course you have to remember that they are "MOMS" too and will ALWAYS-no matter what give their opinion!! I really hope this is helpful for you!
Best of wishes for you! ~M.

My daughter is 3. She likes to have milk at night, but I won't let he have any when it is about an hour from bedtime. We normally brush her teeth at night. Before I brush her teeth, I tell her that after this, all she can drink is water. If she askes for soemthing to eat or drink other than water afterward, I tell her that we already brushed her teeth and that if we drink milk now, it could make her teeth hurt. If she asks for milk when she is going to bed or if she wakes up, I tell her the same thing, that we can't drink anything but water until breakfast. If she starts to fuss, before it gets going good, I tell her if she is going to fuss that she obviously isn't that thirsty. She normally calms down pretty quick and will say she wants water instead. I give this to her in a sippy cup so if she's half asleep she doesn't spill all over herself. She has a special spot for her cup at night so she always knows where it will be when she wakes up. I agrees with what some of the other mom's have said about your MIL. Sit her down and talk about it. Explain that you realize that she's trying to help, but it is making it more difficult. Let her know that you are not affraid to ask for help when you need it, but that there are certain things that you want to do your way. Not every child is the same and while our parents had their own set of challenges raising their kids, our set of challenges are different. Parenting styles have changed alot and let her know that you respect her opinion, but IF she would like to make a suggestion to do it out of earshot of your son. This way you can discuss it instead of arguing about it while you are in the middle of trying to correct a behavior. Also, try open-ended questions. Instead of asking him: Do you want water? Ask him: What would you like? If he says he wants something that he can't have at the time, tell him so and let him know when he CAN have it. Also, offer an alternative at the same time. As mentioned before, stay CALM. Before you walk in, take a deep breath if you are already frustrated. Don't give in. Durring the day when you don't have to worry about waking up your MIL, let him cry it out. Have him sit in his room or a 'calm down spot' until he is ready to talk to you. He may only be 2 1/2, but he's smarter than most people will give you credit for. He can start working on controling his behavior now. I hope this helps a little.

T.,
I have a 2 1/2 year old who goes through the tantrum thing regularly. He was wonderful and then one day, he was Mr. Tantrum. Bad ones, too. Screaming, hitting, kicking...you know what I mean, right? I had lots of moms write in with various advice, from simple suggestions to 'take your son to get therapy'. Nothing works all the time, but there are a few things you could maybe try.

The first thing is the hardest: stay calm. If you get upset, he's only going to get worse. I have yelled and cried and been ridiculous with him, but calm is the only thing that is going to make it better. Once you let him know that you are in control, it's going to help him. Toddlers have so many feelings going on inside that they just can't express. When they are having a tantrum, they are really afraid. It helped me to think of it that way, not as a tantrum, but as a panic attack. It helps you to sympathize with what's going on. He isn't a bad, wild child; he's scared. He needs help learning how to express himself and help calming down.

To help him learn about his feelings, I took some paper plates and drew faces on them with different expressions and wrote them on the back (Vito is happy, Vito is sad, etc.). We go over them now and then so that he can kind of put a name to what he is feeling. When he is starting the tantrum, give him the plates to see if he can show you what he is feeling. My son has used them to express himself. He's also thrown them at me, but it is worth a shot.

A friend of our suggested that you just hug him and tell him you love him. Again, sometimes he hugs back. Sometimes he hits me. It is a great feeling, however, when he does hug me back.

Someone at mamasource suggested telling my son how he is feeling "Vito is angry" "Vito wants a toy and Mommy said no"...that sort of thing. It gives a name to what he is feeling and acknowledges that you know what's going on with him.

Distraction is great, too, but it only works early in the tantrum for my son. I kind of know what sets him off, so if I know something is going to be a problem (like changing his diaper), I try to work around it. For diaper time, I start with a game of Simon Says and work the diaper into it. Simon says lay down, etc. My older son plays along, which helps big time.

I've learned to not ask him any question that he can answer with no. I read on a website that you have to work fast, talk fast and don't give them time to object to things.

As for the milk at bedtime, it's very interesting to me that you are having that problem. My son was always good at bedtime until about a month or two ago. Then, he started with tantrums at bedtime. I have always had a very solid bedtime routine with him, so it didn't make any sense. I tried all the Supernanny suggestions and all of that. It just didn't work for me. Finally, I put him down with milk at bedtime. I take it away once he's asleep. I just thought it might be better to deal with that problem later than no sleep right now. I don't like it, but I gave in on that. I wish I had some advice to get around it. You could put it in a thermos or something so that he sees it when he wakes up and doesn't scream. I know that isn't the best answer. I hope someone has better advice than that.

The most important thing I can tell you is that you are not alone. You are not a bad mother. Your son is not a bad boy. This is a very difficult time for both of you, but it will pass. In the past few months, we've been able to minimize my son's tantrums and make them less severe. There was one day where he had SIX tantrums before 10:30 AM!!! I counted!! But it does get better. Your son will, too! Good luck!

I have a similar situation...when 1 1/2 yr old does the same thing i put him to bed and let him cry, but you have to let him
cry himself to sleep to let him who's boss, for the 1st few nights or so it's very hard but if you keep being strong it will work as far as giving him a bottle when he wakes up give him water instead and change or whatever you have to do to make him comfortable for the night...put him back in his bed, he will not like and again he will cry but let him cry himself to sleep..just be patient with him.. It does work my son now sleeps through the night w/one wake up call..just don't give in to his crys and screams, it's very tough and breaks your heart, trust me he's not hurting just his pride and in a few nights he will realize he won't win this battle with you...

E. g

Hi T.,
Have you investigated any parent groups in your local church? Many times there are classes for toddlers and other mothers for support. :) I found them to be a real insight and help when I was raising our four children. My husband was working ALOT then and so it was up to me most of the time with their upbringing.
It's too bad your mother in law won't mind her own. She was a mother once too and probably didn't appreciate her mother in law's butting in either. How soon we can forget! I'm a mother in law and try to leave that aspect of each child raising in my kid's hands. They're grown adults now. It would be harder if they were living with me, however. She may just need to find her own place in the house where she can go in another room and close the door when these things come up....I would also suggest you move out asap so your not forming a terrible relationship with her and his grandma that will be a lasting memory...not too positive. :)
Blessings, M. G

This is normal for his age, but you need to stop giving him what he wants when he is acting up, otherwise he will think this is the appropriate way to get what he wants. What you can do is when he begins to act out when he wants something, tell him that is not the way to act to get something that he wants. Show him the appropriate way, or try and explain it to him in the easiest way possible for him to understand.If he wakes up too early and is demanding for milk, explain to him that it is too early and that he needs to wait for a few hours until everyone is ready to wake up and have breakfast.
Talk to your mother in law when your son is sleeping or is not home. Ask her for you to call the shots, and only help when asked. Explain to her that it is making things difficult on how you want to handle things. This is your son, and you should be able to handle the situation without your mother in law "butting" in. I am sure she is only trying to help, but if it is making things more difficult for you and your son, talk to her about it.

M. *~

Have a positive conversation with your mother inlaw about your decipline rules and that it would be great if she could help out with them. Tell her that its important that your son follows one set of rules that are placed on him by his mother. Ask for her input on a couple of subjects so it appears that she is playing a role in her grandson's life. As to breaking the habits, you are going to have to set the rule and DO NOT GIVE IN. Stay calm and walk away. Tell him that when he has stopped acting out you will listen, then walk away. Keep doing it over and over. If he's throwing a fit in a store, LEAVE. YOu can come back later. I have done this on several occasions. If you stick with it (that's the hard part) he will come around, sooner than you think. But make sure what you are arguing over is worth it. If its over clothing, just let him wear what he wants to wear, etc.

Sleeping thru the night: Keep to your bedtime routine, mine is 3 books, a short carry over to the light switch (which he's allowed to turn off), a short song and a kiss goodnight. Let him cry for 5 minutes, go back in and lay him down with a kiss, wait 10 minutes, etc. But don't talk to him after the 3rd time. Just put him back into bed. It will take a while, but it will work. Don't give in to requests. Make sure he has a drink of water before the routine. No TV prior, only bath time. It really makes a huge difference.

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