My Sister Spoils Her Kids, Should I Tell Her??

I disagree with the way someone close to me raises her children but would not say so... they are all too important to me to loose because I do not agree with her parenting style. Besides there are things I do that she disagrees with, we just agree to disagree and love each other anyway.

I wouldnt tell her - different people have different ways and they are her children. Just be kind and be there is ever needed :)

Good Morning Nancy! Hope you are enjoying this wonderful weather we are having!!

Being a "big sister" I know that I do not always hear and receive criticism well from my 2 younger sisters. (And I think quite honestly, they would say the same about receiving it from me!!)

What I have learned is that asking questions and helping my sisters to see things from a different angle helps them to be more receptive to what I am saying, and to MAYBE do something to change it. But bottom line is, if you're sister doesn't see it as a problem.. chances are it is not going to change.

So maybe trying to have a conversation with her that starts out like, "Do you ever worry that your daughters are going to have a hard time budgeting money for clothes when they are out on their own? Do they relize how expensive their clothes are and how generous you are to them?" Then pause and let her think and respond. Or with the cell phones "Does it ever bother you that you have made a great dinner and you are right here in front of your family and they are talking to people who are not even at the table??" or like for the Thanksgiving dinner "I'm really sorry that you made this wonderful dinner and instead of being able to sit down and enjoy it you're having to make more food for your 5 year old. Here let me do that so you can sit and enjoy."

My point is: if your sister feels like you are on her side and really, truly have a heart for what is in her and her families best interest... she will be more open to your perspective. On the other hand, if she feels judged and criticized... she will protect and defend whatever she is doing and it turns into who is right, you or her.

Now if she answers your questions defending what the kids are doing and doesn't want to talk about it anymore... let it go. She is not open to a different perspective and all it will do is damage your relationship... however you have planted a seed and maybe next time it happens she will view it differently. Maybe she will also bring it up to you at a later time!!

There are many different ways to parent. I know it can be frustrating to watch people do things (especially family) that we feel are not good or healthy for their children, but unless they are doing things that get Child Protective Services involved... that is their right! Our job is to inspire others to change.. and that is not easy. I am still learning!

Hope this wasn't to long, and you find it helpful!
Peace,
B.

P.S. And if you are a Christian, always keep them covered in prayer!

Hi Nancy,

Boy, it's tempting to tell people when you see them messing up, but we just can't go around doing that, or we'll have no friends or family. What you CAN do is lead by example. If it really bothers you, limit your exposure to her and the kids. When they are with you, you can plan activities that expose them to a more humble way of living, but not in an obvious way. You can affect the kids with your words and your life. Be a good example to them. One day they may be coming to you for advice! The way their lives are set up now, they will most certainly encounter trouble with others. I wouldn't sacrifice your relationship with your sister and family just to share your point of view. Been there and done that. It's not worth it. Bite thy tongue. :)

Take care!
J.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can control is how they behave in YOUR home. You can demand respectful behavior including how they speak to you, address you, and even how they eat. However, if you choose to confront your sister, it will likely be met with resistance and resentment. Imagine if somebody came to you and said you were a 'bad parent'. *Spoiling* a child is purely opinion, too. My MIL's parenting style is, in MY mind, neglectful...but she considers it 'responsible'. I think my mother spoils my children when they are there, but she doesn't think so. Your definition of what a child should/shouldn't have given to them doesn't make it the RIGHT opinion. Even my husband and I differ on what is considered spoiling a child. Don't get me wrong...you may be perfectly correct (and it sounds like you are) but the way you choose to deal with it may have consequences that you may not be intending.

It's likely that when you insist on respectful behavior in your home, those kids complain to their mom, thus getting your point accross much clearer than you saying so!

Good luck to you, and I do hope you can find a way to get your sister to stop raising brats!!!

~L.

Well Nancy,
It's pretty clear that your sister has some issues with disciplining her kids. Maybe she and her hubby are not on the same page about it.
But it isn't your problem. At some point you can say you don't have the boys together because her son is way too bossy, doesn't know compromise, etc. Maybe she'll get the picture and maybe not.
She is already in a lot of trouble. She only has until the kids are 18 to lay down the law. After that they can legally divorce your sister. If she starts implementing rules and guidelines, she might stand a chance. But her kids are her responsibility, and they will be her headache and heartbreak. I would not pay for cellphone bills if they can't learn to turn it off at dinner and absolutely no 3 a.m. Time to start taking luxuries away. If she wants this family to be functional, she needs to quit being such a pushover. Big trouble on the horizon.
But unless you want to create a rift between you two, you dummy up about it. If you just can't stand it anymore and being around her kids it about to make you ill, get up, walk away, and then spell it out. There's always going to be a risk of disharmony.
You could attack it from the "I love your kids too much to keep quiet" angle. But it all may fall on deaf ears, if she's in denial.

As tempting as it may be, if your sister doesn't ask for your opinion or your help, keep your opinions to yourself.If you offer unsolicited advice and opinions, it (and you) won't be received well. You will negatively affect your relationship with your sister. It's just not worth it.

Instead, try offering support, love, and understanding. When the children are in your home, you can set some small, basic rules (i.e. no texting at the dinner table etc.)

Best of luck, S.

Hi Nancy,
I completely understand your concerns and I think your intentions are in the right place and are meant well.....but.
as sad as it may seem it is not your business. I don't mean to sound harsh, but we just can't judge others on what they do. If your sister wants to raise self centered, egotistic
children that is her right. All you can do is just make sure you raise your child the way you want with morals you wish him to have. Believe me if your sister's kids are like this at this young age imagine what they will be like at 15 and 16.
Kids desperately want boundries, it is what makes them feel
loved and secure. You could also let your neices know that you support them and love them so if they ever need you, you are there for them. It's a tough call but I would try very hard to look the other way with your sister and let the kids know that you care about them. Even when they are acting snotty etc. it is really not their fault. They are only behaving the only way they know. You could show them the other side of things.
Good luck, I know not judging sounds easy in theory but in reality it is another story,
m.

Unfortunately these kids will have to face the real world someday and it will be hard for them. I wouldn't say anything to her though because I doubt it will be taken well.

I don't really have any advice but I can say I have seen what this kind of spoiling can do at a later age. My boyfriend is now a grown man and his mommy and daddy still pay his credit card bills and buy whatever he needs. He just graduated college and is in the process of finding a job to start his career so when I say I have to pay bills so no I don't have extra money to go out to dinner, he doesn't understand - because mommy and daddy always give him money whenever he needs it! It's VERY frustrating and while spoiling must be nice it doesn't show them the value or worth of anything and they will always expect everything to be handed out. I am sorry I don't have advice for you, just thought I would throw in my experience.

Nothing you say will get thru to her...
She is raising her kids to be elitests, and it is best for you to stress to your son that you love him thru words and actions than to show him love thru stuff.
Be prepaired for the coming time of jelousy you will have to deal with when his cousin gets ..... and he doesn't.
The real thing you need to ask yourself is will she change her actions? Probibly not since this has been going on for at least 13 years and the kids know nothing else.
Focus on spending time with your child and doing fun stuff as a family. That is probibly the one thing that his cousins arn't getting.

Well, for the sake of it, all of those ages are ones at which kids can be a little snotty sometimes...though it seems the snottiness may have been going on for awhile. I would say if your sister is really touchy about it - leave it alone. At most I might mention that it will be tougher for the kids than for most to adjust to making it on thier own in the real world, and you hope they will come through it okay. Your nieces and nephew are really lucky to have such luxuries, especially with today's economy, you should be happy that they can enjoy it now - even if at present it is likely to set them back later... Also, don't let your sister or her kids make you feel like you should be "keeping up". My nieces have a lot more freedom than my kids and are always in name brand clothing from head to socks. On the occasion that my kids say something - I explain to them that when the clothes were bought someone paid a good chuck of additional money just for the name. I explain it like having a Yugi-oh card or My little Pony at one store for $5 and another for $10 because the $10 store has a more popular name (something they clearly identify with as a bad idea). Clothes are clothes, if they look nice and keep you warm, it doesn't make sense to spend extra money you could use for something else.

I've never mentioned my nieces' extra privelages to thier mother. She is their mother and it is her right to do what she thinks is best and handle her kids as she sees fit. Plus, I wouldn't want to offend or alienate her. I love my sister and I know that while we are good terms, we have great open communication that may be able to help at some point if the girls ever run into trouble, or I need a different perspective on my own parenting. Also, the nieces know that I don't put up with some of the attitudes at my house. I like manners, and they need to listen. I just carried my niece to time out (she's 5) the other day because she wouldn't get down from somewhere her uncle asked her to get down from. And I find myself reminding them about manners...but I love those girls to death and I'm not so put out by having to remind them about these things. They're just normal kids after all, even if they have more leeway than I might give my own kids on a lot of things.

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is discipline them when they are at your house. Tell them that behavior is not acceptable with you and when they are with you, you will not tolerate it.

Other than that... there is nothing you can do. Unless your sister asks... you just keep your mouth shut. Unsolicited advice is never welcomed. She and her husband have made a choice on how to raise their kids. And it's just that... THEIR kids... not yours. It's unfortunate that the children are allowed such behavior, it certainly isn't doing them any favors now or later in life. But, they are not your children.

When they are at your house you can enforce your rules. Other than that... you're going to have to back off.

The only thing you can do is take care of your own children and raise them in the best way you can. Your sister will figure it out when they hit 30 and still expect her to do everything for them (like pay off the credit card bills they went crazy with buying all that Coach).

Hey Nancy,
B. C here. Pleased to meet you. In my opoinion, I agree TOTALLY w/you!!!! I have a cousin that gives her kids the world too, & they are even more disrespectful the older they get!!!! My nieces are 13, 15, & 16... Your sister is doing nothing but ruining them, if you don't learn respect @ home, the world teaches it to you the HARD way! Unfortunately, all you can do is pray for her & the kids, your sister is in for a LONG ROAD ahead of her! Give her some advice, then leave it alone. My 2 cents...

I agree with Lacy, you can really only correct them when they are in your home or talking rude to you. In that case you can confront them, and maybe even talk to your sister about something specific that happened. If you do though, it will be a thin line you walk, but your family comes first and if their comments about your home are said in front of your kids and hurting them, you have to say something, but it would have to be about that specific thing and you would have to be careful not to bring up all of the other issues that you have with her parenting.

This kind of mouthing off and commenting is so common at this age, I wouldn't let it pass in my house. If it is in your sisters, and not about you, then you have to let it go unless you see it hurting someone. But, I think that I would say something like, "yes our house is small, we like to spend time together so this suits us." Or, more direct, "That was a pretty rude thing to say and I don't appreciate that attitude. Please be more respectful when your around me." You can even add, "or you will have to go home".

Good luck.

Nancy,

This is kind of a tricky one as your sister really needs to hear what you have to say but as you said she is defensive. If you do talk to you what you will be doing is telling her that the last 13 years of her parenting her and her husband have been failing, not only will that crush her, it will also be VERY hard to work on the older two, it sure is possible to change them if the parents changed but it'll be a difficult couple of months maybe a year or so.
I know exactly how you feel since I have had the same desire to talk to my parents... They have 7 kids, and raised the first 2 (me and my brother) pretty good, with rules, discipline, they actually spent time with us. Now however the rest of the kids have dabbled with drugs, alcohol, have a poor work ethic, not much discipline etc... they are not exactly on the fast track for success. My parents are raising my other siblings very different than how I was raised and I really want to say something as in a sense they are ruining them... however there is no way that I would ever do that as it would crush them and there are just some things that need to be said that shouldn't be said.
You have to weigh weather it will be worth it if she will be mad at you for a long time and potentially ruining your relationship. Maybe it won't you know your sister, maybe she will only be mad for a little bit and then be fine again.

What you could do is say "when I was having problems with my son's attitude or whatever I read this book and got some great ideas of and it really opened my eyes to what I am doing wrong and why my child is like this... Now you actually have to read the books if you say you did and it's a good idea to read them before recommending them.

Here are some good books to read and recommend. "Don't make me count to three" "Sheparding a child's heart" (that one is actually the best, I love it, it's helped me a lot) "raising unselfish children in a self absorbed world"

Just three to start with, hope that helps

B.

She knows that she spoils her kids. They are HER kids. Can someone come into YOUR house and tell you how to raise your children? You can not tell another adult how to spend their money on their kids. If they offend you that much then you can choose not to be around. If they break rules at YOUR house then you can set them straight. But please mind your business, on how she raise/runs her household. Whatever the outcome Good or Bad, the only one responsible is HER.

we have a friend like that with a spoiled child the hardest thing is our daugther wanting everything her friend has and there is no way we can keep up with them finacially. im sure they know there kids are spoiled, so there is not much to do about.

I agree with everyone else. MYOB!!! No one likes a meddler. Just worry about what your own children are doing and keep your opinions about others to yourself. The only thing you can do is set rules for your nieces and nephew in YOUR house. Don't allow them to disrespect you, no texting at the table, etc. I have a very similar issue with some relatives and their child. I see them making what I think are mistakes with this child, but I would never dream of saying a word to them about it! It's none of my business. They would get defensive and it would cause a major rift in our relationship. Wouldn't you get angry if someone called your parenting skills into question?

HI, I'm sure there is a whole lot more here than you're telling. I know there isn't a parent out there who hasn't and isn't making some mistakes on raising their kids. I've raised three and we've had our ups and downs, but I'm very proud of them and myself for getting them where they are today. Am I totally happy with the decisions they have made, NO, am I happy with everything I've done with them as far as raising them, NO. But, I did the best I knew how. And I had a sister, who in her eyes is a perfect parent, but she chose her career over having children, so she feels and always felt she should tell me what I was doing wrong. Well, having no kids, its easy to pass judgement. My brother used to say this that and the other to me, well, his boys are teenagers now, and it all came back and is biting him in the butt. His boys are alot worse than any of my kids ever were. You have a son, who is still young. Teenagers are a trip. They hate their parents, dont' feel they need to abide by rules, feel they should be able to do as they please. It is your sisters job to set rules, it sounds like she isn't, but it will catch up with her. So what if they want name brand clothes, it isn't hurting anyone. The phone thing, would never fly in my house, but, I'm not going to tell someone else what they should do with their children. When the kids are at your house, its your rules. I'm sure they will have no problem with that. My nephews are wonderful around me, and we dont' have issues, same as my kids were fine with being elsewhere. Teach your children to respect at a young age, it will come back when they hit their twenties. From about 12-19, watchout. Even though, I'd take a teenage boy anyday over a teenage daughter. They are different, no doubt about that. If I were you, I'd hold my tongue, or it all may come back and hit you twice as bad as you would ever dream it could.

Your sister is bringing up 3 entitled to brats that will have no respect for anyone. Wait till they get older. Girlfriend, it's not your prolem - although I agree with you 100%.

My sister has 3 young adult boys that she still waits on (as well as their girlfriends). They are either all workng, in school and not bums. But, when I mentioned this to my mother and sister--that sister is doing too much, they were furious with me. (My mother complains my sister is exhausted, working, cooking, cleaning, having the adults for the w/e's, etc.)

For your own sanity, Mind your own business, they will not change and you will be the one to be stressed. I learned the hard way.