My Nephew Is Out of Control

I recommend she read some stuff about gentle discipline (mothering.com has some good info on their forums) especially given the boy's emotional state over the separation. Kids that age DO NOT like change and he is too young to have the verbal skills to discuss his feelings. Instead of "punishing" him with time-outs or taking toys away (kids his age do not really understand the connection between those things enough to help them develop a behavior change), she should try "love flooding". Tons of hugs and kisses and praise whenever possible. If there is no moments she can praise then at least tons of hugs and kisses and snuggle time NO MATTER what his behavior has been.

Also, she should think about whether the daycare setting is a good one for her child. She might want to do a little reading about sensory integration or sensory processing problems in kids. My son acted out A LOT in a group daycare. We finally figured out that it was a torturous experience for him because there was too much going on and it was sensory overload. We had to get him out of that setting and then we also worked with an occupational therapist. A good book to check out of the library is "The Out-of-Sync Child".

This can be a very tough age (it was for me) but I'm sure it is even tougher for her right now because of her own emotional state. It is very important for her to micro examine her own attitude with her son...is she more short tempered than normal, is she less emotionally available, is she expecting too much from a 2yo going thru such big changes? I wish her the best of luck and huge hugs for all she is going through.

Oh... what rough stuff!! I feel for your sister, how hard to be going through a separation and now feeling like her son is getting out of control. How hard for your nephew. Being so little and having all this change with his parents and not knowing how to express his frustration, resorting to being mean and hitting. Tell your sister she is in my thoughts and I know how hard it can be. I am sure she is doing the best she can and must have a lot of self-doubt now. My advice would be for her to take a deep breathe and take a look at the big picture. Did this just start, or has it been leading up to this? Can she find areas that seem to be where he acts up the most? Being separate from the other parent is really hard because that much needed consistancey that everyone is mentioning is hard to keep. You really can't do anything when your child is going with someone else and what they do.

Then I would suggest she deal with every instance the same. I personally found it is different with each child, I have three. I would immediately get down on her child's level, you know eye level. It is hard at this age to really reason with a 2 1/2 year old because of where they are developmentally, but she should very sternly tell him, no, we do not hit, it hurts. Or no, we do not scream, it hurts our ears. I think they need to hear simple explanations as to why they are being told no. She can also say that he is making her sad. Removing him from the situation that he is in, that he is acting out on may help too. I know that when my son who just turned three starts to act out, say he throws a toy at his cousin, I go and lead him by the hand and say we cannot play with that because we are throwing and redirect him to a quiet activity. If he refuses and throws a fit, I let him. I distance myself from him and say I understand that you are mad, but we do not throw toys. After a couple minutes I will go to him and tell him he needs to say he is sorry and then we can pick something else to do.

When her son is behaving and doing what he should, she needs to praise that. Saying things like when you say please, that makes me happy, really seems to help. Children this age need to see a reason to do things. They are at that point where they have mastered all these things, so to be told no is very frustrating. Emphasize the good behavior.

Also, with all the transition that he is going through she really should make a conscious choice to be sure that each day she is spending quality time with him. He sounds like he is really needing attention. I know that is hard, single mom, working, but even if it is 15 minutes in the morning and 1 hour at night, find activities that he is craving and excels at. Emphasize how important time with him is. Make him feel very wanted and loved.

I know it's hard, and I hope this helps. If she needs any help along the way, tell her to feel free to e-mail me. I also have a 3 year old, so if she is at all interested in setting up some playdates, that would be great, if she lives int he twin cities.

I know that you will be there too auntie. I know when you are a mom, newly single and dealing with your child that is making you feel like your doing something wrong, it helps having a caring friend/sister to get you through.

J.

I'm having this same situation with my 3 year old son. However, he doesn't let his anger out at daycare, only at myself && younger children. I called a counselor and got him into in-home sessions because I'm hoping that it will help. I have run out of solutions and nothing seems to work. So my best advice would be a counselor or child therapist to help. Its very hard for children to express their emotions to begin with but when they are dealing with something major, it really takes a toll on them and makes expressing all of their emotions just that more difficult. I hope you find something that helps.

First you parent them , then you befriend your children.

She needs to put her foot down loud and hard and show him who's the boss. Especially being a single a parent I had to do that with my daughter. 2-3years old love to have control over ever situation and alot of parents give in or don't want to mean. Nanny 911 was awesome at showing parents how consistancy works like a charm. If he won't stay in timeout strap in his highchair and put his highchair in the corner or put him back in timeout repeatedily til he stays put could literally take all night but he needs to learn boundaries.

If my daughter raises a hand at me it's on. I'm not to nice. I'm not her "friend" in that situation I'm her mom and she is reminded that she respects me at all times.

I say this as having a 3year old who use to cuss and swear at me and disrespect me. I was afraid to discipline her or be the mean guy.

There's a great little DVD out from Mr. Rogers on how to teach children to control their anger. I'm sure you could Google it and find it on Amazon.com or somewhere. The upshot of it is that the parent or caregiver sets up an experience where the child practices controlling himself. For instance, you might provide the child with modeling clay and have him start pounding on it. Tell him that when you say "stop," he should stop pounding. He probably won't be able to do it right away at first, but that's where the practice comes in. Learning to stop pounding is a big step to learning how to stop hitting. There's more ideas on the DVD, but that's the basic premise. That idea is also included in a parenting book by Mr. Rogers. He asserts that children are not born with the innate ability to control their actions. They have to be taught how to exercise self-control. If your nephew is responding to the separation of his parents, he may have an especial need to act out in order to express his anger (something two-year-olds are wont to do anyway). Good luck!

I agree with Beth. She needs to be firm and consistant. Nanny 911 or Super Nanny are great teachers...I watch those to help reassure me that I'm still doing it right and maintaining consistancy with my own family. It also assures me that if I don't act like a parent...my kids will turn out like the ones on those shows...and who wants that?!

I've actually found that when I have to be more firm with my dd, she seems to me more lovingly and more willing to please me, which makes us closer so we can have fun and play together when I put my "friend" hat on.

have here check with doctor for a referral for child therapist. I know there are some good ones that can really
help. Wilder Foundations specializes with child behaviors. you can find they in the phone book. They have a child guidance clinic that also helps parents work through issues with their kids. Hope this helps!

I recently took my kids off of all artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives and you'd be surprised at how much calmer they are. All of that stuff can really affect the brain.
J.
Mom to 4 going on 5

pretty sure that her son is VERY MUCH affected by the recent separation...she can talk openly with him...just last night my son started doing naughty things like that when he found out his daddy wasn't going to make it home for dinner....I told him I was a little hurt by it too, but we can make the best of it and be nice to one another, his temper turned right around.

she can let him know that she is hurt too, so he won't feel alone and can learn to deal with his frustration with her instead of against her. they can talk together about daddy, or course not down talking daddy at the same time...

the Nanny 911 examples DO WORK, same with Supernanny's tricks. They work, and being consistent is key to having it all work out.

There also might be a counselor to help her and him work through being just her and him now.