Anger Management for My 5 Year Old

Hi S.,

All kids go through this to a point, pushing their limits.. but it should end at some point. It sounds like this has been continual for a while.

My first line of defense is to see if there is any outside stimuli that is causing the behavior. Not all behavior comes from within...some is inflicted. My youngest daughter that was diagnosed with ADHD was very aggressive. A family member convinced me to remove all the synthetic chemicals from the house and from her completely (even soap, shampoo, etc) and when I did I got a beautifully behaved, sweet little girl. I detoxed my entire house. It was almost instantaneous....about eight weeks in, I didn't even recognize her. Turns out, just like a junkie, the chemicals, just like pharmaceuticals, contraindicate and cause aggressive behavior.

My husband is prone to migraines and we have tried everything..from pharmaceuticals to natural remedies to heat and finally landed on a blend of both. One component of the only thing that will help his migraines is benadryl. Most people think this is a benign, over the counter drug, but my husband gets demanding, unreasonable and just plain cranky the day after he has taken it. Any kind of synthetic chemical can create this behavior and I can now explain my daughter's hormonal swings to him because he now understands how behavior and thoughts are created and controlled by chemicals, be it natural or not. Eventhe laundry detergent absorbed through the skin when clothes are worn can be a trigger.

Like I said, my first line of defense is to remove the chemicals. This is a simple and cheap thing to try. If it doesn't help with his behavior, it will definitely help with everyone's health in the home. Let me know if you'd like me to walk you through what I did.

God bless,

M.

He doesn't know how to say what is bothering him and even if he did, he doesn't know what to do with the feeling till he gets over it. First off, you need to tell him that everyone gets angry from time to time, other kids, grown ups, even you. That's normal. And everyone needs to learn what to do with that feeling when they get angry. There are acceptable ways to handle it, and unacceptable ways. Hitting, kicking, biting or throwing things is not a good way. Hurting animals is a bad way and just not kind and is NOT allowed - ever. Besides harming who ever or whatever you attack, you can hurt your own hand foot or teeth doing that. When Mommy gets mad, sometimes I take the angry energy and vacuum the house or clean something. When we're done, we feel better plus got a little cleaning done and turned it into something positive. Talking about it is a good way. Even if you can't change something you wish could be different, people can understand why you feel how you feel and sympathize with you. I use to tell my son (when he wanted something he couldn't have), I'd like to win a really big lottery, and I don't see that happening either but I understood how not having (whatever) made him feel angry. Maybe he can draw how he feels or he could run laps around the back yard. Some info I've found about it:
1. Talk it out. Calmly ask your child to explain what has caused her to become so angry. Talking through the issue can help some children work through the anger and calm down. If your child doesn't want to discuss it with you, she may feel comfortable "talking" to a pet, puppet, or imaginary friend.
2. Get physical. Kids can let off some steam by stomping their feet, punching a pillow, or pulling, twisting, or pounding on clay. Dancing around or taking a walk may also help. Encouraging a child to do things he enjoys -- drawing, walking the dog, reading -- can also help refocus his thoughts away from anger.
3. Give comfort and affection. Let your little one know that you genuinely care about his situation and feelings. Toddlers can be comforted by your physical presence as can older kids facing a frustrating situation. And never underestimate the power of a hug to make a child feel loved and accepted.
4. Set a good example. Children mimic adults so the way you handle your own anger and frustration is sure to affect your child. Model positive coping skills -- like doing something that calms you or getting away from a frustrating situation -- and your child is likely to do the same.
5. Praise good behavior. Let your child know that you notice when she deals with her anger in a positive way.

.

I feel your frustration, S.! Often when kids act angry, it's because they have other feelings that they don't know how else to express... frustration, lack of control, feeling like no one is listening or respecting them. I highly recommend a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training", by Dr. Thomas Gordon. It talks about things like active listening (on your part), conflict resolution, and generally just how to raise a responsible, happy child. There are two women in my life who I have always admired for how great they are with kids... my mother-in-law (I've known her since I was a kid), and my cousin (a pre-school teacher). Both of them recommended this book to me when my son was born, and I have found it to be extremely helpful. I really urge you to check it out. Best wishes to you!

Why does he have to be happy? No one is always happy. I've met very few people who are usually happy. try validating his feelings instead of criticizing them- "You seem very angry. It's ok to be angry - everyone gets angry sometimes, even Mommy!(validation) You know, alot of times when I don't get what I want or people don't do something they said they would, I get angry too.(empathy)" then love on him and make sure he knows its ok to be angry, but there ARE ways to express that more appropriately (keeping in mind he's a very small child and propbably doesn't know what those are yet and will only learn by how you behave when you're angry - if you yell, he will. if you hit him, he'll hit. if you throw things so will he.) By taking things out on the animals, he probably is feeling very controlled, angry because he's not listened to and has no control in his life, and that may make him feel unloved. Thus, he's probably trying to exercise control over lower beings - vv the cats. Try giving him choices that YOU can live with (eg, are you going to wear your coat or take it?), and esp in areas that completely dont matter - lik choice of cereal bowls.....keeping it age appropriate of course. The more decisions he has to make, the more control he feels like he has over his own life, and the more responsibility he has to accept for himself.

I HIGHLY recommend the following reading in this order:
--Why You Do The Things You Do (Clinton and Sibcy)
--Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (John Gottman)
--Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood (Fay & Fay)
--Parenting with Love and Logic (Cline and Fay)
--The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman and Campbell)

Also, if you DR suggested your parenting was causing his anger, I highly suggest evaluating the truth in that once you're passed your anger and consider seeing a Christian family counselor to help you reconnect with your son in order to foster a safe and trusting relationship. If your son doesn't feel safe and loved, he will probably just continue to grow in his anger, you won't be able to have any sort of relationship, and you may have failed him by not trying.

On the other hand, if his anger came suddenly and parallels a change in his life, you may want to explore that avenue with a counselor.

Also, it seems like you're relying very heavily or solely on punishment. Punishment should be occassional.....discipline should be daily. they are different. discipline is alot more difficult and requires more thought and work on a parent's part.....punishment is easy and typically based on one's mood, which can be shiftless, deceptive, and unreliable. The reading should give you a good understanding of the differences and ideas for implementing discipline that's appropriate for your family!

Good luck!

I saw that another mom mention food colorings, so I wanted to share our experience. When my son eats red food coloring, he turns into a different person. Good luck.

I think I have his sister! lol my 6 year old is the same way with our puppy, she loves her but if she gets mad she will kick and hit her. we recently had her tested for adhd and she had it, we put her on meds and have seen a difference. I was also told it was me but when she got notes sent home for hitting another student i knew it wasnt just me.

S.,
I am a mother of four boys so I have alot of experience with them! You use the word anger when describing his feelings but could it be fear/frustation? What's going on at school? In your home life? You didn't mention his father so could that be an issue? Boys(at least mine did) are not always vocal as they get older so something maybe bothering him that he can't or doesn't know how to express at his age.

Does he get enough exercise? Does he have friends? I hate to ask this but could he be a little spoiled? If you are having to ask him 3 times before he listens that probably means that he is allowed 3 times before he has to do something! Kids figure that out early, I know! If you feel that his anger is misplaced and mounting(and you don't know where it's coming from) then I would ask your pediatrician for a child counselor.

Good luck and know that you are a good mother and not failing him!!

N.

"Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp would be an excellent resource for you. Also, "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo.

Finally, look at his diet -- many mothers have found that their children react in strange ways to artificial food coloring and other additives, or even to "normal" food like milk and eggs -- it just affects some kids weird, like some people are allergic to bee stings or peanut butter. But different things affect different kids in different ways, so it may take some investigating on your side to see if there is any connection. A food diary for your son, in which you write down what he eats and when, plus his attitude at various times, to see if you can make a connection between, say, drinking Kool-Aid at 10 a.m. and him kicking the cat at 2 p.m.

I understand your frustration but please understand your son doesn't understand abstract ideas like emotions. He can't tell you why he's upset. I know this is hard but try looking at your own behavior. Do you get frustrated with him? Are you modeling productive behaviors? Are you expecting him to do things he's not developmentally capable of? It can be very frustrating to have a parent (Mrs. God) expect you to do things you can't. He will then take his frustration out on the animals because they are lower on the hierarchy. I recommend "Scream-free Parenting" by Hal Runkel. Good luck.

Try reading John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. Regardless of our intense feelings and emotions, we still have to behave in society. It's not your job to "make him happy". It's your responsibility to give him what he needs, which is food, clothing, shelter, appropriate discipline and love. It's up to him to decide to be happy or not, but he still must behave. Talk is no good (telling him three times to do something, or asking him what's wrong). It doesn't matter what's wrong, he still doesn't get to misbehave or hurt animals (a very bad sign of what is to come if you don't end that behavior post haste). That book would give you lots of ideas and an outline of what to do. Good luck!

Any time a child or person is mean to animals, alarms sound. Get him tested and into therapy.

for the doc to say it is you, do you and your husband fight in front of your child? sometimes that does bring anger. I do think you need to get ahold of this problem now. Taking away toys might not be the answer to this situation. If it is just him being a boy or being 5, it might be but if he has anger issues, he will need help. Get the help before he is too hold that it is habit and he is too old to fight you on it.