My Mother Is a Broken Record (drama)...Tune Her Out or Say Something?

Tell her, do not tell you her problems/dramas anymore, because it is a broken record and she does nothing to solve it.

Tell her, you are not a Social Worker or Therapist.
But she can get her own.

That is what I did, with a Toxic dysfunctional family member once. For YEARS, I put up with it. And sorry, but it was just TOO much and it was affecting my own well-being and life and morale.

You... even if you are her offspring...you are NOT "responsible" for her problems, mentally.
She needs professional help.

I gotta say Jessica, I think you have already acquired some great skills to help you cope with your Mom. You do not engage in trying to help or figure out her problems and you distract by getting off the phone.

I'd ask, how often do you speak to her? Maybe you need to pull back a bit and talk less frequently. I would probably not answer the phone as often or be very busy when she calls, except one time a week..... something like that.

I think you have two tacts. One is just what you are doing, only do it sooner and more frequently. As soon as she starts to go into her drama...... find a reason to got off the phone immediately. She will get it after awhile and understand to keep the drama to herself if she wants you to stay on the phone.

You could certainly be direct in a polite way if you think your Mom could handle it. Saying something like, "I understand this is upsetting you but you've already told me about it so I'd rather not talk about it anymore." She won't like that even if she is a saint, but Make that your new mantra. If she continues to talk about it just say the mantra again, until finally....... I gotta run now. However, you know your Mom and if you think this will stir things up too much and cause high drama.....you might want to just avoid in an effort to protect yourself, which I think is quit reasonable.

My mother worked at a nursing home and would talk endlessly about her patients, and her work schedule. The only thing more boring thatn hearing about old people I dont know is listening to my mom talk about her work schedule. "I go in late on Thursday but Im off Friday this week, I work Friday next week, I try to always get Sundays off becasue your father is off on Fridays, unless there s a holiday, than he gets off on Monday, I rarely work Monday so that works out for us." agggh The same thing 1000 times. drive a nail through my brain why dontcha!
I think our moms just like to talk to us. Their trivial junk is the sum total of thier life. We have 14 things going on all the time. They are past that and just do a couple things all the time now. Those couple of things are huge to them. Annoying to us. I tried to just pretend to listen and let her ramble when I was feeling generous with my time. When I was irritable, I would cut her short the way you do. Sounds great mom, the kids are crying, gotta go. Or redirect the conversation to something else. One of my favorites was dumping the phone on anybody else - "Oh look your son just walked in the room, he wants to say hi."!

I hear you! My mom is a bit of a drama queen too. She's just recently (in her 60's) been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and is now on meds, which help some, and group therapy, which helps a lot more.

I would gently say something. Your mom may not realize what she's doing. Just gently say something like "Mom, I love you, and I want to support you, but I have been hearing this for too long and there is nothing I can do. You need to make your own decisions in this. I'll be happy to talk about something else, but I can't talk about this any more." She may just need a bit of a wake up call to let her know she's a bit off the deep end on this. And, if you feel comfortable with it, maybe you can suggest a bit of profession help (like marriage/divorce counseling or therapy, just a person she can talk to who may be able to give suggestions that she might listen to)

If that doesn't work, just smile and nod and find a reason to get off the phone or at least change the subject when it comes up, like you have been doing.

Some people actually get adrenalin rehearsing and complaining about the old historic stuff. It makes them feel like it is alive again and they just will not let it die. The best you can do is change the subject.

The people I have witnessed (just in my world that is) are the ones that are afraid of conflict, don't like to say no, reactive instead of proactive and feel better passing the blame on someone else...so instead of closing it, solving it, dealing with it, they vomit it up again and chew on it over and over just to give someone else a headache hoping they will act on the problem for them. Ignore, don't let your blood pressure run high

Hi Jessica! Julia N. gave you phenomenal advice! It's worth quoting, so I shall. "Mom, I love you, and I want to support you, but I have been hearing this for too long and there is nothing I can do. You need to make your own decisions in this. I'll be happy to talk about something else, but I can't talk about this any more."
Excellent! It's kind, respectful and honest. I have an uncle who does the same thing and we frequently give a variation of Julie's answer.

If you are kindly honest about how you would love to talk to her about other things, you will feel like you have more control over the conversation, instead of being swept away in a tide of endless complaining.
You will be setting a very healthy boundary in your relationship with your mom and your relationship will be better for it.
Good luck!

She might be the type to feed off drama and create it if life gets too "boring". If she keeps bringing it up, either do what you are doing or say, "You already know what I think and I'm not discussing it again."

first of all you need to learn respectful and proper boundaries for yourself. you need to be able to tell her to stop crossing your boundaries, and be able to put up those boundaries. obviously, your mother has not.

there are counselors who can help with that, otherwise there are books out there. i know my mom has a good one, but i cant remember what its called! :(

anyway. you dont have to cut her out. you just have to somehow get her to understand that there are some topics you dont want to discuss anymore with her. or a way for you to say stop about a certain thing NOW and not hear about it again tomorrow and the next day . :P

My husband HAS to deal with his mother's phone calls. We don't even answer the phone most of the time and she bothers someone else.
It really bothered me and wore me out. I even say the words "I do not want to hear your drama" but she won't stop. She is a Christian and there are hundreds of verses to fear not, to have faith, etc... When she is showing her total lack of faith, I am so tempted to quote scriptures like she tries to, but that is obnoxious and prideful so I don't.

I had to do that with my sister. For my own sanity. I always worried about her and cared too much. She was constantly creating drama.
My niece and my daugher are two years apart and also more like sisters than cousins so I also couldn't just CUT her out.
But I quit initiating phone calls. I would make casual excuses when she did call. I stopped inititiating doing things together. I now see her at family functions or holidays. I don't engage in conversations with her like I used to but am more like a polite aquaintance.
She has asked me to be friends again... and I tell her I love her and okay and try to have grace when talking to her but steer clear of the drama. Every single time we ever would be together for any time period she would always lose her temper with me and say whatever she felt like.
I decided that I don't seem to have that effect on anyone else and I could choose to not have it on her. So now I am not around her long enough to allow her to treat me like that.
It's a choice. It's like breaking up with someone.
I mean my ex husband and I were always cordial with each other. He would come for the holidays, even stay in our home and we never treated one another with anything but respect.
If you can be divorced and nice.
You can be that way with your mom.
In your mind you are basically divorced but because of family history you can treat her as cordially as you would an exhusband!
If she is truly toxic... you can avoid the drama without being rude. But belive me, she will get it.

Sometimes just responding with an "oh"(in a nice sound) helps. My mom seems to have a lot of drama too and I have learned by responding like that helps a ton. I still hear her stories, but I don't respond like I am interested in them. I've learned that just fuels the fire.

My SIL on the other hand will continue with her drama stories even after the whole family pretty much ignores her crazy (and I mean crazy) stories. We usually only have to hear her stories just once, but every single time we see her, it's a whole new story that you couldn't even make up yourself if you wanted to. Drama, drama,drama,drama,drama,blah,blah.

I bumped into her yesterday and the for the10 mins I saw her, I learned that her oldest daughter was sent by ambulance to the hospital for asthma (she's 21). I didn't even know she had asthma. And her teenaged son is trying to get over his migraine to see if his sister is dieing of asthma, lol! This is probably the tamest story, but she even has drama when she unexpectedly runs into someone.

Some people you just can never tame!! Good luck to you, it will get a td bit better, but will most likely always be a part of her.

you just explained my sister...OH MERCY...we have tried to tell her (all 4 kids and my parents) and then she makes a BIG DRAMA deal about that and how she is singled out blah blah blah..she always has some drama going on and usually it "poor me"
My parents call her out all the time and say she is 'under medicated' which really trips her off....its been like this for probably over 25 years for our family. I personally just tune her out but feel TERRIBLE for my nieces (her kids) because they see something is dfferent about their mom. If my sister specifically asks me a question about things, I dummy the answer down and say "gosh Brenda, I dont know...what do you think?" alot of times people who are drama freaks just like to be the center of attention so giving them the spotlight is what they want.
confronting her will just give her another reason to drama out the situation and you singling her out. You can if you want...but I wouldnt...I would do what you did and go fix dinner. :)
Everyone has drama friends, or a drama couple (break up, together etc)drama co-workers..you mom is just one of them.

My mother was like this... except she expected me to bail her out every time, and the things involved were usually huge, exhausting tasks. One time, I had a heart to heart talk with her and pretty much told her I didn't want to hear it anymore. Told her I would be there for her, I loved her, but I just couldn't handle her constant whining over things she got her self into, and that she had to decide to make wiser decisions and have a more positive outlook and it would help her greatly. She hated me for a while, but got over it and our relationship has improved.

Once book that talks about this is called How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities by John L. Lund

http://www.amazon.com/How-Hug-Porcupine-Difficult-Persona...

I wouldn't cut her out. I have a sister sort of the same, not as bad. I would be polite but honest. Just say that you have a lot of other stuff to worry about and you need to either deal with it or not talk to me about it anymore.Next time she says something you have already heard, maybe say something like you have already heard that problem before, has she not dealt with it yet? She needs to know that you find it bothersome and you have your own stuff to worry about.

Is she lonely? Does she have activities or hobbies? Friends? Maybe she just wants attention or someone to talk to. She should get involved in something, and you could help her find something! That would probably be good for both of you!

Are we long lost sisters with the same mother??? I hate drama. It's a hard situation sometimes because as much as you just want to cut her out, you are her daughter and you love her and want the best for her. For me, it's one day at a time. There are times when my mom and I get into conversations, and she asks my opinion, I give it to her, then she hangs up and doesn't talk to me for weeks. I give her that time, brush it off, and let her contact me when she's ready and all is "fine" at that point. Then there are times when she calls me twice a day, and just wants to talk calmly, in which case I just listen and let her get it out. Our relationship is up and down and all over the place. I just have learned to not sweat the small stuff, and to give her the "dose" of attention she is asking for at the time we talk. It works for us, at least for now. :)