My Mother Has Terminal Brain Cancer - Should My 3Y/o Daughter Go to the Viewing?

First let me say I am very sorry for what you are going through. My children had to go through the loss of their Pap-Pap last year. I allowed them to visit him in the hospital several times as he lay dying...they were very sad about it...however...I feel like I would have robbed them of some very special moments if I would have prevented them from going. He spoke to the children about heaven and how he was going to a better place....he made them actually anxious for him to go live there because they saw him suffering. He gave them lots of last minute words of wisdom that they will always remember. On the downside...my one son believed for months that he too was dying of cancer...but it is a fear he may have faced without actually going to see his grandad. The children know their pappap is happy now because they heard him tell them that he would be happier. There is no exact right or wrong answer. Go with your heart and keep praying! Our hearts are with you.

R., I want to begin by telling you to live each day to its fullest. Your mom sounds like an amazing, strong woman and as such, your daughter will probably appreciate "living" with her and when the time comes, she'll be ready to say goodbye. My father was 49 when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I can remember that day vividly since the doctor who diagnosed him was his best friend and could not get all the words out since he was crying so badly. He told us that my dad would not make it to christmas (only a few months away). Well, my father (like your mother) was a fighter and told them that he was not giving up. I'm happy to say that he made it past his 51st birthday so we had the opportunity to enjoy those 2 years to the maximum. No regrets.

My prayers are with your family. If I can be of any support, please let me know.
L.

I am very sorry about your mother. My Grandfather died from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's this summer and my three year old son was very close to him. We had him come to the viewings with us and as another post said, it allowed him to ask questions and to see him one last time. We used the viewing to explain the difference between death and sleeping. He cried a little and stil does, but he also said he was glad to see him one more time. My husband also took him outside and even for a ride in the middle of the viewing when he got too worked up or bored. We did not have him go to the funeral, because that is a long time to ask a three year old to sit still and be quiet, but he did join us for the brunch afterward. He also has asked where my grandfather is now and we have shown him at the cemetery. A three year old is old enough to understand more than we think, and they are very resilliant. Tell her as much as you can in words she can understand, and expect questions for awhile. Let her see you being sad too, so she knows it is okay to be sad. My son and I just had a good cry about missing my grandfather last week and it has been four months since he died. Good luck with your little girl. You know her best and you'll make the right choice for the two of you.

First of all im very sorry to hear about your mom. I didn't read the other responses yet so if i repeat im' sorry. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago the day my son tuned 3 months old (it was her first grandchild/my first kid) She had just turned 44yrs (and me 24) the month before. She had a very very very unexpected massive heart attack and died within minutes after holding my son (for the last time). she died instantly. anyway. i know this isn't the same (but in the end it all is) b/c my son was only 3 months old and there is no way that he would personally ever remember her (well miracles do happen!). BUT he turned 3yrs old today and he DOES know his Nona (that's what we were calling her... it's grandmother in italian). After she died i put out lots of pictures (and the few we had of her holding my baby) around the house and every single day i show him pics and tell him her name and tell him stories about her and there is not a day that goes by that we don't talk about her, look at her pictures and talk about where she is.
This is only my opinion but in my eyes i think my son needs to know the truth about death (we all have to face it sometime) from an early age b/c it is a part of life (and seems to be very common in our family the past three years)
my son knows what his nona looks like and can pick her out in pictures,etc... he knows lots of stories about her... he re-tells stories i tell him about her and he will tell people that he loves his nona who watches over him b/c she is his special guardian angel. and he says that she doesn't come to our house b/c she died and went to heaven and she keeps us safe. i try to teach him about death and heaven and people as much as i can (and i know at his age they only can comprehend so much). I do whatever i can to keep my mom's memory alive and the only way he is going to remember or know anything about her is if we keep telling him the stories and memories and pictures, etc... i do a lot of different things here at the house and with the kids and i make sure to tell him that "nona taught me this and nona did that". and other people talk about her as well. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or take lots of pictures or get to spend the time i would have liked to with her.... you have that chance so yes, take pictures, let your daughter spend time with her in good and bad, talk about her. Kids are sooo resilliant and i think they are smarter than we give them credit for. Let her see you cry and be sad and explain to her best you can why you are so sad.
I take my son all the time to my mom's grave. we sit and talk to her and i take pictures of him and "nona" at her grave. it's amazing how well he "knows" my mom/his nona even though she is not physically present with us (that we know of... that's another story... :-)

I have a daughter who is 10months who never even got to meet her nona and it's my job to make sure she "knows" her. I already do the same things i did with my son at a young age (especially the pictures). We even named her after my mom and she will know where her name came from and the amazing woman for whom she was named after.

if i were in your position i would try to educate her as much as you can about everything (death, sickness, memory, etc) and i would definately take her to the viewing and funeral and everything (which hopefully won't come for a long long time). This may be strange but me, my dad and brother took a lot of pictures of my mom (and us standing by her) at the viewing (before people came in). and actually the funeral director (who was our cousin) told me that many people do take pictures.

I hope some of this could help you in your decisions. Life is not always fair, i know. In the end it's all up to you and what is best for your daughter. good luck and i wish you all the best with your mom and your family. you are definately in our thoughts and prayers.

My mother died when my daughter was 2. I didn't have my daughter at my mothers funeral, only because I didn't want her to see me upset and crying and in turn get upset (I wasn't sure I could deal with everything I was also 4 months pregnant with my second child) I did explain about death and told her she would not see grandmom anymore. If you still have time have your child spend as much time with your mom as possible. Take alot of pictures and show them to her. My son (whom I was pregnant with when my mother passed) knows who my mom is from the pictures I keep around our house.

I am so sorry about your mother. My mother-in-law has lung cancer that spread to lymph nodes and bones and is not expected to make it even 6 months. I received a lot of helpful advice here at Mamasource.

My oldest daughter is 4 and very close to her MomMom. To "prepare" her, I have told her that MomMom has cancer and will not get better. I told her this only at the point where MomMom can no longer feed herself, drink on her own, is wheelchair bound, and delirious from pain meds much of the time. It may not be worth it to tell your daughter before that time comes, as children have such a different perception of time from ours. Also, if your mother doesn't look any different except for the hair loss, it may only serve to make your daughter paranoid about who else may be terminally ill and not look like it.

My daughter understands death in this way: the person does not eat, does not sleep, does not feel, does not think, does not move. They are buried in the ground where we can visit their grave to honor their memory with pretty flowers. She understands this better because we have lost 2 cats to the road in the last couple of years. We had several discussions about it after reading some children's books about death. The one that she seemed to understand most was called "Waterbugs and Dragonflies". She understands that MomMom won't be around much longer and has been wonderful with her. We visit often and my daughter "takes care" of her, draws her pictures, makes her smile. She understands that everyone is sad that MomMom won't get better and did cry a little that she wanted her to get better. I expect this to come up in converstaion several more times before she dies.

My husband and I have decided that she will be able to go to the viewing, but no the funeral as she likely won't have the maturity to sit through it without being disruptive.

I wish you and your family all the strength you will need to make it through this very tough time. I will pray for your family.

K. E.

Hello R.! So sorry to hear about your mom. My dad had lung cancer and had the tumor removed from his lung than had radiation and chemo and lost his hair. My daughter after that wouldnt go to him. It totally crushed him. I had to explain to her that pop-pop was sick. The cancer was gone and now it came back to his adrenal glands. So the medicine he is on is making him look funny but at least she goes to him now. I think you should prepare her for what lies ahead. Just explain to her that her mom-mom is sick. She may not understand everything. At this age they dont understand death or anything like that so I would just be brief in what you say and when that time comes explain to her. I think you can help remember her mom-mom by showing her pictures. I know my daughter loves to look at pictures and remembers what we were doing at that time. If you dont have alot of pictures I would say start taking them so she has something to remeber her mom-mom later.But I want to let you know I'll be praying for you and your family. I know how hard it is.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother and what you're dealing with. I was attending viewings and funerals for as long as I can remember and I feel it helped me throughout life accepting the loss of family and friends. It's my personal opinion that you should allow your daughter to attend the viewing and funeral. She may not remember anything, but it's her last chance to say goodbye to her mom-mom. Plus it just may help her to accept the loss, if not now, then maybe in the future. As I said, this is my personal opinion. You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. By the way, I have a two year old daughter and would have her attend a very close family member or friend's viewing and funeral. The one thing I do know for sure is early exposure to such sad life experiences will help deal with future losses. Hope this helped a little bit and again, I'm sorry for you, your mom and your family.
B.

As a person with a rather large extended family who has dealt with death on several occassions, I have to say that the answer to this question really depends on your child and their relationship. Most of the time, I would say yes but there are some things to do to make the experience (not good) but a positive way to say goodbye. One thing you may want to do is take her privately before the public viewing. This way you can gage her reaction and explain to her what is going on. We've told the small children in our family that our loved one has passed away and that we are there to remember them and say goodbye. Sometimes actually going to the viewing makes it easier to understand that person is not coming back. If you don't think your daughter can handle the situation, or if you can't, then don't take her. She is young enough that she would not understand what she was missing.

AS far as helping her to remember... Make sure to spend lots of time visiting your mom. Even if it is just sitting watching a television show or video that you daughter likes with her grandma. Take lots of pictures of your daughter and her grandma. Even without hair... my Mom called it her Sinead O'Conner look when she lost hers during chemo. Ask your Mom to write a letter that you and your daughter can read. Not a goodbye but something that tells her daughter all about her grandma including her favorite memories of you growing up and of her granddaughter. If she doesn't know what to say, there are books at book stores that are from a grandma to her granddaughter. You could write it together. Take the letter and put it in a scrapbook or binder with pictures of Grandma through her life and with pictures of your mom and you and your daughter. Those books at the bookstore usually have places for pictures also. Then if by a miracle your mother beats this, you can continue to add to it. If she doesn't, you and your daughter will be able to sit and look at it for many years to come and remember her together. I don't know if you are religious, but I'll keep your mother in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to your family and enjoy every moment you have together.

Hi R. im sorry to hear about your mom. When My grand father passed away from cancer and my aunt had 1 yr twin girls. We brought the girls to all the viewing, however we made sure that if they got out of control their was a little room where they could eat and play with out having to disturb anyone. They mad a bad situation not so bad for most the family but we also had discussed it when we made the funeral arrangements and we thought that it would help my grandmother to have the babies there to keep her a little busy. I would have to say ask your dad and siblings if it would bother them and then do what you think is best but your daughter is also at a age where you are going to have to explain what is going on. At age 1 we didnt have to explain it really. I hope I was able to help.

I'm not sure what advice to give. But, I will remember you, your mom and your daughter in my prayers.

My 2 yr old had to deal with my mom passing this yr. I took her to the hospital, the viewing and the funeral. She did really well. At first she would ask where is grand mom. I would tell her she went to live with god. But she kept asking so I told her she went to live the angels and she said ok. We talk about my mom and show her pictures so she will remember her. She doesn't seem sad, I don't think she understands what death really is. All she knows is that grand mom went to live with the angels and on day she will she her again.

I apologize that I only have a moment right now to post this message. You have so much to handle right now. I just want to encourage you to help your mother continue to hope while understanding the realities of her situation. There are alternatives(ie, Bryzynski) and many,many clinical studies by NCI in addition to conventional treatments. Our experience in our family was that it was better to be identified as a candidate for a study while still feeling pretty good. Tell your mom to look at all of the possibilities even as she chooses to head in a particular direction with her treatment. There are those who defy the odds...she might be one of them.
Be well, and take care.

Children's literature is a good way to talk about death. Some suggestions:
ANGEL CAT BY MICHAEL GARLAND
REMEMBER RAFFERT BY JOY JOHNSON..THESE 2 ABOUT PET
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE BY CYNTHIA MCGREGOR
LIFETIMES BY BRYAN MELLONIE (ABOUT LIFECYCLES)
HELP ME SAY GOODBYE BY JANIS SILVERMAN (ART THERAPY BOOK..HELP PREPARE CHILD TO SAY GOODBYE)

As I do not have any personal experience with this I cannot offer much more help. Please let me know if these books help!

S.

R.,
I am sorry to hear about your mother.
Make sure you take LOTS & LOTS of pictures of all of you. Take home movies. Even go and have a portrait made of the 3 of you. You can get them done pretty cheap at Walmart, Target, Sears....
There are lots of books for children about cancer and dying. I think Maria Shriver or Jamie Lee Curtis have written books for kids and have won awards for them.

As far as the viewing, I would say don't take her. I was very young when my grandparents died and the viewing really shook me up. To this day I still won't go.( I'm 40) And you know how they don't even look like your loved ones. They put on too much make-up and stuff their cheeks to fill out their face.
You can take her to the funeral and have her place flowers or draw a picture to place on the casket. If possible, take her to the site often to talk to her Mom-mom. Have a picnic there. Does you Mom have a special scarf or piece of jewelry that she can wear often, even have a picture taken with it on. Then your little one could hold on to that to also remember her.

And of course laughter helps everything. Get silly clothes and hats and take pictures or make home movies. Depending on where you live go to fun events if you Mom feels well enough. Even a movie like "Happy Feet". Just be as silly and fun as the three of you can be and those memories will live on after the painful memories fade away. Make cookies and have a mini food fight with the flour. It's easy to vacuum up and doesn't attract bugs.

I'm sure you have heard this already but you need to be tested often since it runs in your family and it hit your Mom at such a young age.
I wish you three all the best.

My Mother passed away 2 wks short of her 42nd birthday. I was 6 yrs and remember going to her viewing. Everyone was sad and crying. There were so many people there. I kept telling everyone please be quiet, my Mother is sleeping. I couldnt understand all that yet. I even remember my Dad breaking the news to me. I believe you daughter should go, she wont understand but at least she will see her one last time. My father was diagnosed with colon cancer in 10/03. He wasnt suppossed to be around to long.He has had chemo and 1/2 his colon removed, Since then, he has been diagnosed with liver cancer also. He still has things going on-tumors and things that havent been removed. He is still alive. Not as great as he was but still alive 3 yrs later. I ramble, so sorry. You should explain that MomMom is sick and that is why her hair is gone. I have been teaching my now 6 yr old about my Dad being sick when she was your daughters age. I dont know how to prepare anyone about a loved one passing especially a little one. Just dont focus on her leaving. Who knows, dr's cant 100% diagnose everyone. They short changed my Dad and he surprised a lot of them. Mabeye your Mom will to. Keep my email if you ever need to talk.
Take care, K.

Im sorry for your loss...15yrs ago my son died. My 2 older children were 3 and 2..my pediatrician strongly urged me to allow them to participate for the viewing and not the burial. Iam very glad they went..it was a good experience in a bad time they were able to say good bye, ask questions, and they also helped other people get through the sad time..there are also many books geered at childrens level that help children to understand whats going on.

Hi R.~ I personally would take her to everything. I remember the first viewing i went too was for an infant, I think I was around your daughters age,"maybe a tad older". I remember though. Allthough, I didnt understand then what was going on, but when attending my second viewing I had more understanding. I would recommend talking with her now about death, and tell her that her mom mom is sick. You dont have to go into details, but make her aware of things as she asks. Good luck, and i will pray fro all of you.