Death of a Close Relative: How to Explain/comfort a 4 Year Old

Hi K.. It is a very tough situation. When I was 5 my grandfather died, rather unexpectedly. My grandmother explained it to me in such a way that made it very easy for me, even at the age of 5, to understand and it's how I reccomend anyone explain death to a child.

She told me that people were like eggs and that the body was just a shell. When someone dies, it's really just like throwing away the shell. What's inside is what is most important and that's the part we keep with us. I don't know how religious your family is so it's up to you how philosophically involved you want to get with that explanation, but I found it to be simple, understandable, and to the point.

When my father died a few years later, my mother gave me a short story called "Waterbugs and Dragonflies". It talks about a group of waterbugs that noticed one day that every once in a while, one of them would unexpectedly climb a lilly stalk and disapear above the surface. They made a pact that the next time one of them left, they would come back and tell the rest of the group where they had gone and why.

Soon after, one of the waterbugs finds himself climbing a stalk, breaking the surface of the water, and transforming into a beautiful dragonfly. He loves his new life as a dragonfly and realizes that he is different and will have to break the pact because he can never return to the bottom of the pond and explain to the other waterbugs what had happened to him... they would just have to wait and find out for themselves!

I think there were also excercises in the back of the book to further help your child understand death and why it happens. I definitely think it's important for your child to attend the funeral. She needs to have that same closure as anyone else!

My love and prayers are with you all!

P.S.

Hi! I just looked it up and the book is called
Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children
by Doris Stickney
Here is a link where you can read an excerpt from the book

http://www.jtsma.org.uk/inspirations_waterbugs.html

3 moms found this helpful

K.

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. It is good to know that you have told her that her grandmother is ill. This lets her know what is going on and allows her the opportunity to ask questions. Also, when her grandmother does pass away, it won't be as much of a shock to her.

Once the time comes, ask her if she wants to attend the funeral and let her attend the funeral if she wants to go. It will be important for her to help understand what has happened. At four, I wouldn't push the issue of attending. Do what makes her feel comfortable. Maybe she can skip the actual funeral and burial, but be present for any lunch after. Let her visit her grandmother as often as she and her grandmother are able to visit. These are special times that both will treasure. Take lots of pictures of the two of them together. Let your daughter ask her grandmother questions about how she is feeling. Children this age really don't have a concept of death, so she may ask some very strange questions and not totally understand what is going on. That is normal.

These links helped us when we had to tell our son last year that his uncle passed away and again two weeks ago when his great-grandmother died suddenly, though not all that unexpectedly.

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/worries/grief.html
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/bigkid/graising...

M.

2 moms found this helpful

Children's literature is a good way to talk about death. Some suggestions:
ANGEL CAT BY MICHAEL GARLAND
REMEMBER RAFFERT BY JOY JOHNSON..THESE 2 ABOUT PET
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE BY CYNTHIA MCGREGOR
LIFETIMES BY BRYAN MELLONIE (ABOUT LIFECYCLES)
HELP ME SAY GOODBYE BY JANIS SILVERMAN (ART THERAPY BOOK..HELP PREPARE CHILD TO SAY GOODBYE)

Goodluck! Please let me know if these help.
S.

1 mom found this helpful

I am sorry to hear about your Mother in Law.
I have a 3 and 4 year old who lost their Daddy (my husband) last year. He had been sick for awhile and was in and out of the hospital. I would bring the kids in as much as I was able. When he was home, they would always be there when I would help him and always asking questions. He would even let them help if they wanted and if it was safe. I would let your daughter visit as much as you and she wants. They know that Daddy went up in the sky bc he was too sick for Dr's to help and now that he is up there, he is all better but, he has to stay up there to help other people. They also know he is always watching over us. Occasionally they would ask why Daddy couldn't visit, etc. I do try and talk about my husband alot to them, mostly bc I know at their young age they may forget.
I did not let them go to the funeral. Mostly bc I think that seeing all those people so upset would be traumatic for them, but they did go to the gathering afterwards (we had Shiva). I want them to know that eventhough we are sad b/c Daddy is gone that he is all better now and we should be happy. I even had my daughter tell my a couple moths ago when she saw me crying about my husband that it is OK b/c Daddy doesn't hurt anymore (which of course made me cry more).
My suggestion is to explain as much to your daughter as she wants to know but obviously in terms she would understand. My daughter and son are very inquisitive so I would let them know anything they want. I don't know if this will have a long term effect but I just have to take it one thing at a time.
I would call your pediatrician and ask them and just be very wary of your daughter's behavior and any changes.
Take care!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,

I am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I think if we focus on the fact that we are all here just a short time and then we go to an enormously better place and teach our children to live their lives with this always at the forefront of their mind, living for God and that it is in his perfect timing that he is calling Mom-Mom to him and that one day we will all be together again. Knowing that it isnt just a random act that Mom-Mom is leaving and its not anything to be fearful of because God will take care of Mom-Mom in heaven and your little girl here on earth. Knowing that there is someone so powerful is in control of everything may ease your daughter's fear. If you can find positive even in a negative situation using your faith will help your whole family cope w/ this death and much more throughout her life.

1 mom found this helpful

K.

I just went through this also with my great grandmother. She was sick for a few months and me and my kids spend just about everyday with her. I dont think you can really prepare a child that young for death but just keep them positive about it so that what memories they do have are positive. After our grandmother did pass I took her to the viewing and told her that this is a time for us to tell grandma good bye and that we love her very much and are going to miss her. I didnt take her to the rest of it because i knew she wasnt really going to understand what was going on. I have told her that grandma went to a very special place where all her booboos and hurts are gone and shes not sick any more. Grandma is way up in the sky with all the stars and now she has really pretty wings so that when your sleeping she can fly down and sit beside you and keep you safe and warm. If you ever get mad or sad you can talk to grandma and she will always listen to you. But anyways I just try to keep it in a positive attitude because the last thing you want to do is scare them. Now my daughter when shes mad at me goes to her room and tells grandma on me and she goes to bed with out a fight just so grandma can sit beside her and rub her hair. Just keep reminding her that grandma loved her very much and will always be watching her. Sorry if i rammbled a bit much but I really hope something here can help you even a little bit. Best of hopes to you and you family

Manda

1 mom found this helpful

My husband's grandfather passed away recently from a freak thing (not expected). Granted, he was in his 80's, but it was hard explaining to my 4 & 5 yr old chilren. He was on life support before we let him go. I did not let my children go see him only bc he was not conscious and looked nothing like they knew him. I did explain though that as you get older your body does not work as well, but when we pass we go to heaven. It helped my daughter knowing he was somewhere and she could visit his "bones". I hope you get through this.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,

That is a tough situation to be in and I really feel for you.

I only ever knew 1 of my grandparents, my grandmother on my Mom's side, and she lived 12 hours away so, unfortunately I did not have the chance to form close relationships with my grandparents. My experiences are a little different but hopefully you'll find some good suggestions on this site. My Mom passed away 5 years ago, and I now have a 5 month old daughter. She will never have the opportunity to know my Mom in person, but I have already started talking to her about her and how she is here in spirit. I also took some special pictures of my Mom and made a collage and hung it in my daughter's room so that her "guardian angel" will always be there and she can get used to seeing her face (her smile).

In your case, maybe you can just continue to tell your daughter how her Mom-Mom isn't feeling well, but that she will always be there even if she can't see Mom-Mom. I read the other response about people compared to egg shells, and that's a really good one to keep in mind. My feeling (which may be different from yours) is similar to the egg shell. Our body is just our vehicle for doing what we're supposed to do here on earth. Once we've accomplished enough, we are released to go on to a better place--free from pain and suffering. My Mom battled a really rare form of cancer that is incurable and after 3 years her body, not her spirit, had had enough. Our spirits and memories live on forever. So maybe part of the process can be that you and your daughter take on a special project and she can pick out some favorite photos of her and her Mom-Mom to put in a scrapbook or frame to keep her spirit and memory going forever.

Good luck with everything.
T

Hi K.,

I am very sorry about your mother-in-law. I have a daughter about the same age. My grandmother just passed away a few months ago and my daughter and her were very close. My daughter was in fact named after her.

Anyway, children actually handle this better than we do. I did take my daughter to see her only once, because it upset my daughter so much. But she did get to say "goodbye." There is also a wonderful book out by Maria Shriver called What's Heaven? We read it both before she actually died, to prepare, and then after she died. When I told my daughter that she had died, she told me that she was going to cry now, and we hugged and cried together, and then she told me that Jesus needed a present and that she sent him her GG Emme. That is how she dealt with it and it worked for me.

As far as the funeral, my daughter's school made that decision for me. They were having a show and the day of the funeral was their last rehearsal and she had to be there, so she did not come. She did however come to the luncheon afterward and was satisfied with that.

This is very difficult and I wish you and your family all the best. If I can help in any other way, please let me know.

M.

It makes me cry to relive the time my mother died. It has been almost a year now and me and my 4yo miss her so bad. We lived with her in her final months to care for her so he was really close to her. He also went to many appointments for chemo and oncology visits so he knew that the doctors were trying really hard to help Bugga get better. When she died I told him I was very sad and that Bugga had died. He told me he was very sad too but i am pretty sure he did not get it.

So now almost a year later he is finally getting it. He is curious about graves, we went to visit hers, and talking to Bugga on her cell phone, we still have it. He asks why he did not go to the funeral and why he didn't get to say goodbye (he did, his name was the last thing she said). I tell him that funerals are not a place for four year olds because you have to sit still and be quiet for a long time and that is too hard for a kid so we don't expect them to go.

It is going to probably going to take some time before they bring it up. The first few times he brought it up I cried openly. I can't help it and I think that is good for him to see that I miss my mom and have real emotions.

The hospice nurses and social workers are a great resource too. Even though you are not living there you can contact them anytime and they will meet with you. They are very compassionate and caring people.

Most importantly, let your daughter come to you in her time do not force talking about it on her. Even if it 6 months from now and the pain is still raw try to be brave and answer her then. I hope your mother in law is as comfortable as she can be.

Good luck,
Cia

We have just gone through this exact situation. My mother-in-law passed away from cancer in August. She was sick for about 8 months. We didn't get to see her often, as she lived 5 hours away, but my 4 year old loved her dearly. She was so wonderful with her grandkids. Anyway, we took our daughter to see her as much as possible and we were all there when she passed. My daughter was told that grandma was very sick and was not going to get better and that we were there to show how much we loved her. We kind of followed her lead. She would go to her and talk to her and tell her that she wanted to help her feel better and then go do other things. We did not force her to spend time with her; she did it on her own. After Grandma died, we explained that her cancer made her body, brain and heart stop working. She had some understanding of death from my grandmother who passed away 2 years before. We took her to the funeral and just explained everything plainly and not too detailed. She has not had any ill effects from the experience, but will talk about death once in a while. She has a little difficulty with understanding that people get buried under the ground (how do they live down there?), but overall, she has handled it well. Better than her parents, I think.
Peace be with your family in this difficult time.

Jen

K.,
My father died when my daughter was 4 and my son was 7. It has been 13 years. I took my children to see him as much as possible. He had terminal cancer which was diagnosed in early November and he passed February 6.

My father was very close to me and my children, especially my son. It was a painful experience that I probably still deal with on a daily basis.

I explained the situation at the time to my children as best I could for their age. My son had a pretty hard time dealing with it but my dad spent some time talking to him about it then to let him know that dying is a part of living and that every living thing eventually dies. It is the way it is.

Now my son remembers him fondly and has a lot of keepsakes from my father that he treasures and keeps close to him.

Unfortunately, my daughter was only 4 years old and does not really remember a lot about my dad. I show her pictures but she doesn't really remember. Even all the time we spent in the hospital visiting has not been that memorable for her.

I think that the hardest part was when my dad finally passed my son was at home. We had just left and arrived home when I got the call. When I came home and told my son he asked,"Where is he now?" I told him in heaven. My son asked how his body rose up to get to heaven. I explained that his body didn't go, just his spirit. Trying to explain what happened to his body was the hard part.

So, for your daughter, I think that involving her in the process is good so that she knows that it really is a part of life and not anything to fear. I think she also needs to experience how those around her handle it so that she knows that the living have to go on and keep the values and memories alive. I think kids pick up and learn from actions and it settles in their subconscious without even thinking about it.
I hope this helps. I can tell you that the pain never goes away, it just changes.
C.

I'm going through the same thing with my 3 year old. I hope you don't mind if I use these responces as reference for myself.

- R.

HI K.. I went through this with my 3 yr old about 2 yrs ago. My father was sick with cancer and he passed away. My daughter was really close to him and it disrupted her as it did me.But during the time he was sick, we were around him and I let her know he was sick...not a cold but just sick. The weird thing was she wasn't scared. She was actually very calm and wanted to comfort him. She was more loving...almostlike she knew what was going on.After his death, I contacted Olivia's House. Its in York. Its a grief and loss center for children. It is WONDERFUL!! My daughter and I went through a 4 week program and it was so helpful. We still meet with the other children who have lost loved ones about once every month. If you need the site or a phone number, please contact me.

Becca

HI K.,
First of all, I want to say I am sorry to hear about your mother in law having cancer. I have always believed that people shouldn't hide things from kids of someone being sick. Kids are smarter then we want to believe. I think maybe you should just tell her that mom mom is very sick and she is going to be healed when she goes to heaven and won't be in any more pain any more. I also think that she should attent the funeral since she is close to her. I think later in life she would respect knowing that. Even though she is 4 right now. I just had my mother die this past April of cancer so I know how hard it is. I was even their when she took her last breath and I am still dealing with it. Hope that helps you some. If you or your family need any thing don't be afraid to speak out and ask ok. Let me know how things are going alright. take care K.

So sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I would let you Daughter spend time with her as usual. Let them bother enjoy each other. When the time comes like I have told my 4 year old daughter who ever is sick that they are going to go live with the angles and always what over her. I never wanted my daughter to be afraid for people being sick for the same as you wrote. They are 4 and my outlook I got from my self growing up. It worked for me and so far for my kids. I never went to a funeral that young and I don't think I would bring her now. You and your husband need to decide that. Just remember let your daughter remember the good times kisses , hugs and laughter. God bless your family.

I think that as much time as your mother can handle seeing your daughter is the perfect amount of time Memories are hard to come by from when you were 4 as you get older and i am sure the more she sees her the more she will remember in the long run. As far as what to tell her i think you have it covered death is hard to explain to anyone let alone a 4 yr old. as ling as she knows grandma is sick and its not just a cold than it'll be ok my only suggestion about explaining would be don't try to explain it now just say grandma might not be around much longer because of her sickness and then when the time comes then let her know she went to a better place. My prayers are with you and your family. Good luck with explaining and if you need someone to talk to not just about you daughter but for you I am here.

hELLO THERE K... WELL IT IS TOO CLOSE TO HOME FOR YOU TO RAISE THIS.. MY FATHER PASSED AWAY AUG 12TH 2005 FROM CANCER. AND WELL TO SAY THE LEASTE BEFORE DAD LEFT MY HUSBAND AND I WERE TOGETHER FOR 7 YRS AND WELL I SAID DAD YOU CAN NOT GO YET YOU NEED TO GIVE ME AWAY SO ON JULY 16TH DAD AND MOM GAVE ME AWAY TO MY HUSBAND..

NOW OUR DAUGHTER WAS VERY CLOSE TO POPPIE AND WELL SHE WAS 3 AT THE TIME AND NEW POPPIE WAS VERY ILL... WE TALKED TO HER AND WE WERE UP FRONT WITH HER THAT POPPIE IS VERY SICK AND WELL SOON HE WILL BE IN HEAVEN WITH OUR LORD.. NOT TO LONG AFTER THE WEDDING DAD GOT MORE SICK AND BECAME BED RIDDEN...

WE VISITED VERY OFTEN AND MADE SURE VANESSA GOT TO SEE ALOT OF POPPIE... ON AUG 12TH AT MID-NIGHT MY MOM CALLED ME FOR IT WAS MY NIGHT TO BE ON CALL FOR IF SHE NEEDED HELP WITH DAD.. MY MOTHER CALLED AND I LEFT AT MID-NIGHT AT 2AM DAD BECAME THAT HE COULD NOT BREATH AND WE HAD TO GIVE HIM MORE OF HIS MEDS...

FINALLY THE VA NURSE WAS CALLED. AT 3AM THE NURSE ARRIVED AND ABOUT A HAFE HOUR MY SISTER AND BROTHER WERE CALLED TO COME.

AS OF 4:25AM DAD PASSED AWAY. WHEN I CAME HOME THAT DAY AND TRIED TOO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO TELL VANESSA THAT POPPIE WENT TO HEAVEN I JUST COULD NOT DO THE WORDING CORRECT...

SO I SAID VANESSA POPPIE DIED.

SHE ASKED ME IF HE WAS COMING BACK I SAID NO...

WE WERE DOING OKAY UNTIL THANKSGIVING EVE THAT IS WHEN IT HIT HARD FOR VANESSA SHE WAS TOLD FROM SOMEONE THAT POPPIE WENT TO SLEEP AND BAM WE BEGAN HAVING PROBLEMS.

WE HAD TO MOVE INTO HER ROOM AND I WAS PREGNATE AND HAD TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HER BED. FINALLY MY HUSBAND BROUGHT THE BED DOWN FOR ALL OF US TO SLEEP IN HER ROOM.. SHE HAD TO SEE US GO TO BED AND TO SEE US GET UP IN THE MORNING..

ANYWAY WE ARE BACK INTO OUR ROOM A YEAR LATER AND SHE HAS HER BABY BROTHER ROOMING WITH HER...

WHAT WE WERE TOLD TO DO FROM HOSPICE WAS TELL THE TRUTH. TELL THE CHILD ABOUT DEATH AND BE HONEST DO NOT HOLD BACK... WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT TELL YOUR CHILD THAT DEATH IS SLEEPING FOR IT WILL SCARE THE CHILD HAFE TO DEATH THAT THEY THINK IF THEY GO TO BED THEY WILL NOT WAKE UP..

ALL I CAN SAY IS BE HONEST ABOUT DEATH SAY "DIED", PASSED AWAY. DO WHAT EVER YOU THINK WILL MAKE IT HONEST. YOU CAN ALSO CALL YOUR LOCAL FUNERAL HOME FOR BOOKS FOR CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH AND OR GO TO THE LIBARARY AND FIND CHILDRENS BOOKS OF DEATH.

READ THESE BOOKS TO YOUR CHILD SHOW THEM THE PICTURES AND EXPLAIN IN THEIR TERMS WHAT DEATH IS AND HOW DEATH MAKES YOU FEEL...

MY DAUGHTER SAYS TO ME, "MOMMY, I FEEL SAD TODAY" I WOULD ASK HER WHY? VANESSA SAYS TO ME, " I MISS POPPIE" AND I SAY I MISS HIM TOO.. AND VANESSA WILL SAY " I LOVE POPPIE" AND THEN SAY SO DO I HONEY...

I ALSO LEAVE HER CRY IF SHE FEELS SHE NEEDS TO CRY AND I CRY WITH HER. TELL YOUR CHILD IT IS OKAY TO FEEL SAD,ANGERY,HURT, AND EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILD HOW YOU FEEL AS WELL...

WHATEVER YOU DO "DONOT COMPARE DEATH WITH SLEEP. IT MAY MAKE SOMETHINGS MORE DIFFICULT...

I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON CALL UPON ME CAUSE I AM A YEAR WITH OUT DAD AND THE PAIN IS VERY MUCH ALIVE AND REAL I CAN SAY THIS TALKING NOW IS PUTTING TEARS IN MY EYES FOR I REMEMBER WHEN MY DAD TOLD US HE WAS SICK.

I AM THINKING OF YOU AND I HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEWHAT.

JUST REMEMBER OUR CHILDREN ARE AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING AND THEY EXPECT US TO BE HONEST WITH THEM SO DO ALL YOU CAN TO HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILD THROUGH THIS HARD TIME...

QUESTION? HOW LONG DOES YOUR MOM HAVE? FROM WHEN MY DAD FOUND OUT IT WAS 6 TO 9 MONTHS HE MADE IT 9 MONTHS. 7 WEEKS WITH HOSPICE AND 9 MONTHS WITH THE FAMILY...

HERE IS SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO READ FROM A COUNTRY ARTIST... I HAD MY DAD LISTEN TO THIS SONG BEFORE HE WAS TO ILL AND IT JUST FITS SO WELL WITH THE LIVING AND THAT WE SHOULD ACTUALLY DO.. TIM MCGRAW LYRICS TO LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING... THIS SONG IS WHAT I HAD MY DAD LISTEN TO AS I LISTENED TO THE LYRICS AND THAT IS WHEN I RELIZED WE ALL SHOULD LIVE LIKE WE ARE DYING MAYBE WE WOULD SEE WHAT WE REALLY HAVE.

he said i was in my early 40's
with alot of life before me
then a moment came that stopped me on a dime
i spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
talkin bout the options
and talkin bout sweet time
i asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit ya when you get that kind of news
man..whatcha do...and he said

{chorus}
i went sky divin
i went rocky mountain climbin
i went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foomanchoo
and i loved deeper and i spoke sweeter
and i gave forgiveness i've been denin'
and he said someday i hope you get the chance
to live like you were dyin

he said i was finally the husband
that most the time i wasn't
and i became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and i went 3 times that year i lost my dad
well i...i finally read the good book
and i took a good long hard look
at what i'd do if i could do it all again
and then

{chorus}

like tomorrow was a gift
and you got eternity
to think about what you'd do with it
and what did you do with it
what did i do with it
what would i do with it

i went sky divin
i went rocky mountain climbin
i went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foomanchoo
and then i loved deeper and i spoke sweeter
and i watched the eagle as it was flyin
and he said someday i hope you get the chance
to live like you were dyin{x4}

Such a sad thing to even have to think about.

My kids are 3 and 6, last year we had a similar situation with Great Grandma. They way we handled it was to tell my older child (Kate being 2 at the time didn't really understand anything of course) that Grandma was sick in the hospital and when it seemed to get bad enough that she was dying I suggested to Syd that she may not get better. We were far away enough that we didn't get to visit her, I would think that even though it's sad to see her so sick it would be good to let your little girl spend as much time as possable.
The day G. Grandma died I sat Syd down and explained that her body was old and it was too sick to work properly anymore. She was very sad, she did want to go to the funeral and we were careful to tell her exactly what she would see when she was there so there were no surprises. After the church ceremony she broke down and didn't want to go to the graveside,my husband was a pallbearer so while we did drive there she and Kate and I stayed in the car. Questions still come up now and then about it, and of course she still misses Great Grandma but we let her see that we miss her too.

I am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.
This just happened to me my grandmother just died and my four year son was close to her.

My grandmother had a stroke on her kitchen floor. My mother, my son and I found her. That was a scary experiwnce for us both my son and I. We took her to the hospital. My son knew that she was there but we did not take him to see her at all because we didn't know what type of effect it may have on him. On the six day my grandmother had a heart attack and passed away. We tool my son to her house and he went looking for her. My mother explained it him like this that granny has gone to heaven to be woth god. He knew that god was a good thing. I dont believe that he fully understands what was going on at the time. He just knows that she will not be back. As for the funeral he did not attend. He did attend the repast though.

I am so sorry about your mother-in-laws illness. My grandfather passed away from lung cancer and had spent a lot of time with my cousin's son (his great-grandson, my grandparents watched him during the day) and when he was in the hospital it was right near their house so my cousin always brought her son to visit our grandfather. Those visits helped her son and our grandfather so much in his last few days. At the viewing they asked if anyone had anything to say, and at the time he was only 2, and he got up and told everyone not to be sad because he was now with God and he would want us to be happy that he was home. There was not a dry eye in that room! It was dead silent as the words sunk in and left everyone knowing that he was home and where he would want to be and that he wasn't suffering anymore. If you are religious I would use the "being home" reference and let them know that it is not a sad time, it is a joyous time without pain and also let them know that their mom-mom is watching over them and with them at all times. I hope this helps and that you find some kind of resolution to this hard problem. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I went through a similar situation with my children (then 4 and 6 years old) last year. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer in August of 2005 and passed away on December 2, after going through chemo. We didn't know what to tell our kids, as we knew that he didn't have long to live. I consulted a friend who is a child psychologist. His suggestions were to give out information to the kids on a "need-to-know" basis - not to offer too much info. too soon. Telling kids that young that a loved one with "soon" die doesn't really serve to prepare them way ahead of time. It is just too abstract of a concept for them to grasp. If they ask questions, do answer honestly. Make sure that they understand that Grandma is VERY, VERY, VERY sick (seriously - use "very, very , very" to stress just how much this is different from when they get a case of the sniffles). Tell them (if they ask) that the doctors are trying to make her better but that maybe they can't. Let them see her (if she is up to that). Let them cry if the are sad. Let them see you cry. Let them tell you how they feel - don't push.
We told them that Grandpa was very sick when it was getting close to the end. On the day he passed away, my husband and I spent the day at the hospital. We called the kids and held the phone up so that they could talk to Grandpa (even though he was on Morphine and did not say much). He knew who they were. They asked him why he "sounded funny." The next morning when we took them home from my mother's house, we sat down with them. I said something like, "You know how Grandpa was so sick. Well, he got even more sick last night. He couldn't breathe anymore (they understood from previous talks that he was sick inside of his chest) and he died." My kids each reacted differently. My son (who was 6) hid his head behind a pillow and quietly cried before coming out for a hug. He didn't say much. My daughter (the emotional then 4 year old) immediately wept openly and told us that she didn't want Grandpa to die. She wanted him to "take her to the park" again. They both attended the funeral (as I was advised to have them do). There was no viewing (it was a cremation). There was a time during the service when people were asked to share memories of my father-in-law. My kids both wanted to go up front. My husband walked with them. They just stood there and didn't utter a word. It was a nice moment anyway.
Since that time, my daughter has had a number of times when she has broken down and has cried. We cry with her. We tell her that we miss him too. We talk about happy memories. Let your daughter talk - to say anything. Sometimes my daughter will say something that makes others uncomfortable or sad, but she is just expressing herself. Let her do that.
I hope this has been helpful. I will send you my email privately so that you can contact me if you ever would like to.
Hang in there.

My 19 year old cousin was not quite 5 when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, and had just turned 5 about a month & 1/2 before my grandmother passed away... My aunt was very uncomfortable allowing the kids (now 22 & 19) to be around my grandmother very much once she started to deteriorate in her appearance, but my grandmother was still "herself", even if she didn't look it. My aunt did let my cousins go to the hospital - the day before my grandmother passed away - to say "good-bye" to her (only after my grandmother threw a fit and almost demanded to see them), and they were "okay" with it. My grandmother explained to them that she was very sick and the dr's couldn't fix what was wrong with her, so she was "going to go to sleep and go to a 'happy' place". She also explained to them that she would always be in their hearts and that even though they couldn't touch her any more she would always be with them.
I myself lost another grandparent (on my fathers side - my grandfather; the grandmother i lost was my mothers mom) when i was 10. I remember seeing him after his health deteriorated, but he was still "himself". I have very fond memories of both grandparents in the weeks before they passed, and think that it is important for children to be able to be at peace with what is happening to their loved ones!
Definitely let your child attend the services, even if only for the main portion of the service, a lot of it she won't understand, but seeing everyone that cared for your mother-in-law saying their good-bye's to her will let her realize that it is okay for her to be sad, but that she will be able to love her grandmother forever! even if she's not able to hug & kiss her physically, she'll always have her in her heart!
Having been through this as a child and an adult, I know that it was important for me to be at both services (even though I was older than your daughter), and my cousins felt that it was important to them to attend my grandmothers funeral, they were asked if they wanted to attend and they both said yes (at 5 & 7 years old). But let her enjoy the time she has left with her grandmother as much as she can, but also try to explain what is going to happen as gently and caring as possible. Good luck and hope this helps.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Understanding death at any age is difficult. My great-grandfather passed away suddenly when I was about 3.5. He passed in his sleep and I remember there being a lot of chaos and being scared because I wasn't allowed to see him and no one really told me much. I did not attend the funneral either. I just remember being confused and wondering where he went.

So, I would suggest including your daughter in ways that both you and your daughter are comfortable. Some other people suggested children's books. They are a great way to get started talking. Try to listen carefully to your daughter's questions carefully and answer them as best you can. As you answer, remember that young children typically ask fairly concrete and specific questions. It is really easy to read more into their questions and answer above what they can understand or are asking. Try to keep your answers as simple as you can. She will continue to ask more if you don't give her what she needs.

H.

A good friend of mine died last year, my kids didn't know ehr but they saw my sadness and I talked to my oldest who is now almost 6 about it. We are religious and I think that has helped her to understand that my dear friend went to be with God. She wont fully understand becasue I don't thinka s adults we do ither. I would be patient and allow your child to ask questions and to talk about it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother in law.

My daughter is 4 1/2 and recently lost her great-grandmother. She wasn't that close with her since she lived far away, but she definitely knew her and spent time with her. She did go to the funeral. She just asked questions like why's grandma laying there, why's she staying here and we're leaving. So we explained that she died and that she was going to live in heaven, and named other people/pets that she would be with now. That's all it took. I don't think at that age you need to do too much explaining, they're just looking for some kind of answer. Also, be prepared for questions a few months from now. Something will make her think about it and she'll probably start asking all over again. Good luck!

hi. first of all, i'm extremely sorry to hear of your mother-in-law's illness. my father just passed away in febuary of a brain tumor which came about very suddenly, in fact, his birthday is today. anyway, my children were all very close to him, so when my father got sick initially, it was very hard to explain it, especially to my oldest who is 9. when my father eventually passed, we had a big family gathering and my children where there. we tried to explain that pop-pop went to heaven and that he would always be in our hearts and we could talk to him whenever we wanted. the only one of my 4 children who attended the funeral service was my 9 year old. my other kids who are 6,4,2 (5,3, and 1 at the time) stayed with a sitter. i just felt that it would be too difficult to see pop-pop in such a state where he could no longer respond to them. for me, the months that go by do make it easier to handle any questions that may come up, like.."why do you miss pop-pop so much?" from my 4 year old daughter. i'm sure when the time is right, you'll know how to handle the situation, but for now, if she allows it, let your children continue to spend as much time with them as they want and as she needs..good luck, and all my prayers.