My mother in law makes me really angry with her. She won't spend any time with my kids, never has them over, and if I want to take a vacation or have a day off, I have to schedule it with her a month in advance. She focuses all her attention at her husbands work, and her daugheter and her children.
We have family pictures taken every year with her family. We never get any copies, and at her house and place of work she has pictures of her other grandchildren. She has multiples of them and she only has one picture of my kids. She treats my kids like they aren't part of the family. My daughter asks to spend time with her all the time and she won't take the time to have her over for the day, let alone an hour. It's just so frustrating to see her act as though they are not her grandchildren. Ugh!
She is supposedly quitting her job to spend more time with her grandkids. I went to see if she would spend some time with my kids this weekend, but she is going to visit her daughter who just moved away. She claims she is broke and can't do anything, but she spends her time visiting them. It's just so sad :(
Edit* My kids are 1 and 3. They are both girls. My SIL has a 4(girl) 3(boy) 1(girl) and one on the way. As for my husband, he keeps paiting his mom out to be a saint. Every now and then he asks me "Why can't you be more like my mom or my sister?" And this has nothing to do with jealousy. I want her to spend time with my kids, but she doesn't want to. We invite her over but she is too busy. We ask if we can come visit. No, she's either too busy or in bed. I didn't have a good family growing up, so I think it's important for my kids.
Edit #2: My mom died when I was four, so she can't be around for obvious reasons. Also, I am not trying to get my MIL to babysit. I want her to acknowledge my kids. I want my kids to grow up in a family rich environment. I never had one, so I know how important family is.
My MIL wasn't the breadwinner in the family. All the kids are gone and her husband works full time. I found out she is quitting her job to spend more time with her grand kids. Not sure if that means she will start spending time with my kids, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Thank you for all your advice. I'm just going to take one day at a time like I have been, and I'm not going to drop everything on a dime. I'm going to stay dedicated to my schedule I set out for the day. If she wants to spend time with my kids, she can be the one to set it up. I'm through trying. Anyways, have a lovely day :)
I totally agree with Diane. You can't make her be the grandmother she doesn't want to be. Maybe she feels like her daughter "needs" her more? I would keep extending the invitation, but give up on the dream she'll become a super grandma! Sorry.
Is her son, your husband in the picture? Are they his children, or yours from a previous marriage/relationship? Does she like her son, or is the sibling the favored child? Are the other grandchildren a different sex from yours?
Sometimes grandparents like those cute little girls who never cause any trouble. The spitfire boys are harder to handle and exasperate some who have no patience. Sometimes family members just plain like one kid over another. None of that is fair. Lots of things aren't fair.
Your husband needs to deal with his mother. Talk to him and get him to have a heart-to-heart conversation about the disparity in attention between the grandkids. I hope that it will help, especially when she does stop working.
Good luck,
Dawn
Joanne is right. Your husband needs to be the one to deal with her.
In your whole post, you never mention him once.
He's her son. He's the connection to her and he is her connection with the children. It is his role to tell her that she appears to be favoring other grandchildren, and that your kids are ASKING to see her. It would be your role if your own mother were doing this; it's his, in this case.
And after he asks: Don't hold out hope that she will change her ways, or if she does, that it will be the drastic change that this would require.
One other thing just based solely on the post, so if there's more to this, my apologies:
You say that "if I want to take a vacation or have a day off, I have to schedule it with her a month in advance." You also say that MIL "won't take the time to have [your daughter] over" to her house.
Is it possible that she somehow thinks you see her only as a potential babysitter and that is why she does not otherwise ask to see the kids? She may be under the impression (wrongly) that you only call her when you want "time off" or want her to have your kids at her house -- and not at other times. Do you ask her over to your house or do you primarily ask if she will "take the kids" at her place? Do you invite her to school events, for dinner, to the town fair, whatever, or is most of the interaction aimed at the kids being at her home? Just consider whether the interactions you initiate are "can you take the kids" the majority of the time, or whether they are "Come do this with us as a family." Doing more of the latter might help here, if the contact is mostly based on expecting the kids to go to her.
Your husband should let her know that HE will call her at times and invite her over to YOUR house to see the kids, with you all there. If all the expectation is that she will have the kids over to her house - she may be interpreting that as her being just a babysitter, hence she does not initiate any contact. Be sure your husband and you are inviting her over to your house for visits and events that do not involve her being expected to look after the kids in your absence, only to be there for fun.
She may also be at a loss about how to entertain your kids. I know she does things with her daughter's children, but -- and I don't know the ages/genders/interests here -- is it possible that she just connects with those cousins better because they are older, or younger, are boys and she is better with boys than girls, or vice versa, etc.....? I'm not saying she's right here; I'm saying there may be more to the story if your husband talks with her, not arguing but just calmly asking something like, "Do you feel like it's harder for you to connect with our kids because they're (younger than their cousins/older than their cousins/are boys/are girls/are super-active and they exhaust you) etc.?"
The answers, if she gives honest and thoughtful ones, could really help mend this.
This is going to sound odd but it might just get her to stop being such a jerk.
Stop doing the family picture, stop asking her to watch or spend time with your kids, and if she calls don't take her calls for a while. Now while you are doing this fill your kids time with other things. Maybe go to the local retirement homes and spend time talking and visiting with those whose families no longer visit them. Or make the times that would have been spent with the lack luster grandmother all about your family,say trips to local parks and not just the one right down the street but maybe the other side of town and so on.
I know it sounds childish to do the ignore her approach but maybe it will get her attention.
Ummm.. what does your husband have to say about this? He should be the one talking to his mother... you can too, but really she is his baggage.
It is sad, you do not say how old your kids are, but do everything you can to help them understand that it is her not them that is the problem.
Good Luck!
Something is MISSING from your story????
I have a similar situation and frankly I don't let it worry me. Just explain to your daughter that that "Grandma is not up for visiting right now." Make an effort to have her spend some time with people who *do* want to hang out with her. You can't make your mil like her but you can show your daughter that there are plenty of other people who love her and want to be with her. Sooner or later she'll figure out it's Grandma's problem, not hers.
Time to expand your sense of 'family'.
We have distant grandparents on both sides, and my son could feel robbed. We have worked very hard to make sure that whatever depth of relationship he does have with them is portrayed positively.
That said, we've also brought in a phalanx of "chosen family.".. a few of my girlfriends are honorary aunties, his godparents spend time with him, and a dear friend of mine is like a grandmother to him and takes him out for special events. His former caregiver, a stay at home dad in our neighborhood, is like an uncle to him and takes him out sometimes on random errands; he plays with their daughter, who is like a sister to him. These beloved 'family' members fill in the gaps and make him feel special.
For what it's worth, we have a similar situation in our family with my maternal sis, her father and stepmom. Stepmom has no pics of my nieces or nephews, or my sis, at their house. Just her kids with dad. It's almost shocking how blatant the favoritism is, and it's really just sad how emotionally crippled some people can be. Sorry. Do the best with what you've got, don't expect much, and find other caring people that your daughter might connect with.
"My mother in law makes me really angry with her. She won't spend any time with my kids, never has them over, and if I want to take a vacation or have a day off, I have to schedule it with her a month in advance."
Do you work for you MIL? If so alot of companies do a schedule once a month so you have to work around that! If you are just wanting a sitter and she needs a month to be able to babysit...she can do that! She can also just flat out say no! Find another sitter.
WHere is your mom? Why can't she fill this void you are trying to fill? You need to find someone for your 3 yr old to latch on to....MIL is NOT it! If she doesn't care now what makes you think she will later? If you don't want your DD to be hurt don't push this relationship!! Again, you can't force anyone to have a relationship!
If you aren't getting any copies of these pictures....quit going!! Are you paying for any of these pics? Perhaps that is the issue! Most big photo places charge per photo!! It gets expensive!!
Are you giving MIL lots of pics of your kids and she just isnt' putting them UP?
Your MIL just isn't into you and your kids. Mourn the loss of a picture perfect in law family and move on. You and your kids are better off with out this kind of hurt.
My MIL is the same and I can't stand her. She asks us to come and visit and we do, she is only 2 1/2 hours away but she really only wants my husband to come. While we are there she will ignore me and my two kids except to yell at us for doing something that she doesn't want us to. She expects my husband to cook for her while we are there and gushes on about her middle son and his two kids. Always within our visit she bates my husband on about something in the news that always ends with shouting and cursing. Her tantrums often remind me of one of my kids.
I feel your pain!!!!!!
As a working grandma myself, (I have a full time job and also teach part time at a local university, as well as having a very full life with my husband, church, and garden), I find that I generally have to schedule things a week or so in advance to fit them in. I have to do this as part of my work responsibilities, if nothing else, both due to work policy and my being able to get all of my hours in each week and to fulfill my teaching responsibilities.
My son, daughter-in-law, and grandson live about 45 minutes away, so it is not impossible to get together, but it does take some advance notice.
Because, up until very recently, I have been the sole breadwinner in my family, my working full time is neither frivolous nor unnecessary.
As such, as much as I would like to be more flexible and to spend more impromptu time with my grandson, I simply cannot do so and keep all of the balls in the air.
Do not think for one minute that I do not love my son, daughter-in-law and grandson. I do. They are all that I have! But I don't have a situation that allows me to be real flexible with my time.
Perhaps your mother-in-law has a similar problem. Before you get all offended at her behavior, make a legitimate effort to find out what her logistical problems are with spontaneous gatherings. Walk a mile in her shoes before you judge her.
It sounds like your hurt that she doesn't see the kids. It sounds more like your angry that you can't call her to babysit at the drop of a hat. It also sounds like your jealous of the relationship she has with her daughter. A lot going on.
I would forget asking her to babysit. Skip the big family pictures. Ask her over to visit at your house. Without asking her to sit. Ask her to come for dinner, to see the kids things at school etc. No pressure on her to babysit. And just let her be a part without having to be the one taking care of them.
You don't mention your hubby in the post how does he feel about this? Are the kids his? Or yours from a previous marriage? Some families just don't feel the same about steps. could that be an issue?
"My mother in law makes me really angry with her. She won't spend any time with my kids, never has them over, and if I want to take a vacation or have a day off, I have to schedule it with her a month in advance."
Do you work for you MIL? If so alot of companies do a schedule once a month so you have to work around that! If you are just wanting a sitter and she needs a month to be able to babysit...she can do that! She can also just flat out say no! Find another sitter.
WHere is your mom? Why can't she fill this void you are trying to fill? You need to find someone for your 3 yr old to latch on to....MIL is NOT it! If she doesn't care now what makes you think she will later? If you don't want your DD to be hurt don't push this relationship!! Again, you can't force anyone to have a relationship!
If you aren't getting any copies of these pictures....quit going!! Are you paying for any of these pics? Perhaps that is the issue! Most big photo places charge per photo!! It gets expensive!!
Are you giving MIL lots of pics of your kids and she just isnt' putting them UP?
Your MIL just isn't into you and your kids. Mourn the loss of a picture perfect in law family and move on. You and your kids are better off with out this kind of hurt.
Here's the sad truth: you can't make her be the type of grandparent you want her to be. She chooses how she wants to spend her time and who she wants to spend it visiting. Unfortunately your family and your children doesn't seem to be on her list.
Stop asking her to watch your children and stop calling her to cover for you on the weekends. It's not her job to help with your children. Is it sad that she's not involved? Sure is but it's her choice. The less time you spend thinking about it and worrying about how her other grandchildren the happier you'll end up being.
Also stop doing the family pictures. Since she gets to choose how she'll fit into your life you get to do the same. Stop giving her the illusion of the perfect extended family.
