My Marriage - Oklahoma City,OK

First of all, please be careful. I went through the similar situation with my Ex. I would suggest saving money or having a family member help you out. Call around for attorneys. Find one that is upfront with cost and is very honest with you. I have found the expensive ones are the best. If things get ugly, get an ex parte and go to a shelter. This will help you and you will get custody. The cops will not enforce the ex parte but it is a document that could help in court. You will get full custody of the children during this time. Don't give in. Fight for what you want. Get child support and get the custody that you want. Remember to stay strong and stick to what you want. If you start this, you have to finish it or he will never let you forget it. I know of an attorney in Clay County but he is $250 and hour but he is VERY good. I wish I could afford him. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here. Good luck to you.

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Hello B.,

I am 44 years old and was married for 17 years, now divorce for 4 years. This is the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my boys. Currently, my boys are 21 and 18 years. I understand you are afraid of what he might do if you leave, but my main concern is what he will do if you stay. Especially since you have such a fear of the situation. We as women especially when having children deserve to be happy first and then you can take care of your children the way I know you would like to. I am sure you don't want your girl to grow up thinking this is the way a "man" shows love to me and just settle for anything. If you want to talk in more detail just to have someone to vent to please feel free to email me and we can discuss it from there. This forum is extremely open for some details which I can understand. I am only an email away!
You will be in my prayers for God to give you strength and wisdom and guidence to handle this the BEST way for you and children.

____@____.com

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B.,

I was a Police Officer for 6 years and dealt w/ your situation daily! The great thing for you is that you have taken the hardest step by reaching out to someone.

I'm not sure what "mean" constitues, but if it is violence DVIS is a great resourse and their location is hidden so he couldn't find you- and you need to pack and run now!

A few important things...
#1-DOCUMENTATION!!!! meaning write down times and dates of everything he has done that will help you keep your kids. It probably won't be an issue anyway unless you are harmful to them, but good to have it!!!

#2-Have a plan-tell a trusted friend or family member that you have contact with. If you and your kids are not in physical danger you have the benefit of time to prepare a little. Start saving any money you can. Some people pointed out that it's tax time-perfect. Call around and get an apartment lined up or shelter(sounds bad, but they're great resourses) DVIS can help you find housing, jobs, childcare, ect....

#3-I disagree w/ responses if this is a physically violent situation for you or your children. If it is I would NOT mention divorce, counseling or anything that would tip him off. It sounds like you are scared and there has to be a reason for that. I am PRO-MARRIAGE and believe everyone should take it serious and try to work things out. HOWEVER, if you have been married for 16 years you know if it'll work or not and even if it could you are damaging your children every day you remain in that environment. Plus increasing the chances that your daughters marry someone just like him.

Basically....Pray, contact your resourses, make a plan, let someone TRUSTED know about it and do it!

God Bless

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Brandi, girl, I feel you. Last year after our taxes came back, I took the checks, cashed them and took half the money which I was entitled to. I packed up my kids and I left. There is no easy way to do it. If you are afraid of him, go file an order of protection thru your court house...you could be granted custody of the kids, and perhaps even your home (depending on your state laws of course)....good luck. btdt. ::hugz::

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B.,

If you need help getting out of a dangerous marraige here are some contacts in your area.

Oklahoma Safeline - 1-800-522-SAFE (7233)
Oklahoma Safeline - Oklahoma City Metro Area - 522-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Runaway Hotline - 1-800-621-4000
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Hotline - 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Communication Services for the Deaf 1-866-845-7445 (Voice/TTY)
Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault (M-F/9-5) Referrals ###-###-####

Please contact someone about getting help. If you don't feel safe in your own home it is time to leave. Keep yourself and your girls safe first then figure out what to do next. There is lots of help out there you just need to ask for it!!

J.

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Are you sure you want out or do you just want things to change? Do you think it can change? These are some questions I'd ask before I did anything. If you still come to the conclusion that you want out, I'd have a plan. Is there any family or friends you could stay with? Could you afford housing? I am noy sure what you mean by he is mean. Do you think he would hurt you? If so, I would contact an attorney or even the local police station and see what options you have.
I wish you luck!
D.

Make arrangements before u leave him and sit down and try to talk to him about how u are feeling. If he is still a jerk let him know you're not happy in the marriage anymore and that u want a divorce.

I don't have the answer, but am asking myself the same question. Let me know what you find out.

http://www.communityconnection.org/resource_pages/53276.html

Here is a link to crisis nursery. This might be a good place for you and your children to start. Just so you can get away from him in a safe place to figure out what you want to do.

tried counselling? it is scary to think about leaving your husband. you need to talk to him directly about your issues. even though ultimatums suck, i think you should tell him how you want things to go. ask him how he sees things and don't bring these things up in the midst of a 'fight'. go home and make him dinner and tell him you need to talk. if this doesnot work, and make sure you give it your best shot. you want to be able to walk away confident that you made the right decision and not just a decision you made in the middle of a yelling match. he needs to treat you and your children nicely and you need to do the same for him. don't approach the subject until you have practiced what you will say with out screaming and without deciding how he will react before he even does. if your marriage means alot to you and you want to save it you have to treat it that way.

There is a place for women and their children to go to in fear of stuff like this. It's called SAFEHOME. Their phone number is ###-###-#### (hotline #). They will help you in any way they can. Give them a call. Good luck to you!

There's tons of resources for women in abusive situations in Kansas City. Probably the first place to start would be with Family Services. There's also half-way houses, support groups, legal council and funding available, which family services should be able to help with.

hi i am so sorry that you are in this situation. do you have a casa or shelter you can call or go to? try asking or looking on the internet..go through the phone book..those places will help you and your kids. I had a friend and she was in the same situation and they helped her and her son. now she is doing great...you could also call the local hospital and ask them..just do some research and get out as soon as you can..also you can just pack up and leave when he is gone. do you have a friend or family member who can help...let me know...i might be able to find something if you would like...

At 35 you should know what you want out of a marriage and if you're not happy and he's getting mean seems to mean he's not happy then I would suggest you meet him for lunch without the kids tell him you're not happy and you think it's time for a separation. Give him the choice of moving out this weekend or you will take the girls and leave.

There are a few precautions you need to take right now though. create a checking or savings account in your name and have the cards and statements shipped to a p.o.box in town. At that bank get a safety deposit box and take your birth certificates, social security cards and the title to your car and house and stash them there.

Getting a divorce in Oklahoma is very very time consuming when you have children. Family and Children's Services offers the classes but you have to pay for them and that has to be done before you get your divorce. If he doesn't go then that will delay your divorce. You don't need a lawyer, you can type out the stuff yourself or pay a cheapo divorce service to do it but just be prepared to be asked if you have 3 things, a job, a car and a home of your own. Staying with friends and family won't cut it now a days.

Meanwhile avoid him as much as possible. Make sure supper is done on time, stay in the kitchen cleaning it until it's time for the youngest's bath. If you finish early then get the stuff out of the livingroom as quickly and quietly as possible staying out of his line of fire. At 45 minutes before bed time get your youngest to go clean her room with you. Stay in her room helping her clean, or clean the bathroom while she's bathing. Read to her for the last 20 minutes before bed then do the same with your older daughter, only go clean your bedroom while she's bathing. The 20 minutes is a great time to discuss school, homework and intrests. This should be something you do everynight and it will help with the transition of "daddy" leaving or y'all moving away.

I wish you luck. You've held in there longer than I have ever managed but sometimes you just need to kick his butt out.

With my first divorce we had been separated by 2 states for about 6 months when I told his mother I wanted a divorce. I got it quickly but he took custody of our son and most of the stuff I had mistakenly left behind.

With my 2nd, I was trying to save money on gas by only coming home on the weekends but I came home to find a woman in my house for the night one weekend. I stayed for another week I think he went to stay at her place and I got up early the day I got paid, packed all the stuff I wanted into my truck and took off for work. I never went back. That week I put a deposit down on an apartment, the utilities all off of a credit card my grandmother got for me. He was left without money to pay the utilities at the house we had shared because he didn't work and neither did his new girlfriend.

B.:

I am not sure what you are intending, when you say "mean". If mean=abusive, it is time to get out. When he is at work, pack up your stuff, the kids things and go to a family member, friends or shelter (Safehome is a shelter for domestic violence). You are not helpless, and you need to protect yourself and your daughters. Abusive men are controlling and make you think that you can not live on your own, which is completely untrue. If you need to, contact DFS or SRS (depending upon where you live). Seek support, and get help soon.

A. L

DO NOT RUN. You can get out without running away. If he hurts you call the police and don't feel bad about it! Print out an ad for everyone and say "I am leaving my abusive husband. If something happens to me or my daughters, It was/is him." Men who hurt women are weak cowards who do not want their deeds known. Seek help in your community. I know, unfortunately, if you start running you will never be able to stop. Pray for him. Take him off your hook and put him on God's hook. Trust in God, stay constant in prayer and you WILL come out on top. Go to a church, ask, seek knock. Be quiet about what you are up to and save every dime and dollar you can find and when the time is right slip out with all you have saved. Leave everything behind as well. Start a new life, right down the road ;), with new things. Nothing is impossible through God! Have Faith. Candi