My Husband Wants to Move Across the Country for Work Opportunities. I Do Not.

It would really depend on the opportunity and what it would do for him and us. I have moved all over the world in support of my husband's job, and would do so again tomorrow if need be. Yes it was hard to leave my family, especially for a whole new country (he was living in Japan at the time) but I would do it again. That said, if the new job would not either create a lot of advancement, or if it was not at least a step towards achieving his dreams, I would need to understand why he would want to uproot us then?

I think you have to listen to what he has to say. I mean really listen and not speak at all. Then walk away and really think about what he said. Finally, I think you need to demonstrate to him that you did listen and you do empathize with what he is saying and feeling. He needs to know that his thoughts and feelings are being heard. If you do all that and still think moving is not a good idea, then tell him. But he needs to know that he has been heard.

I realize you might have already done this and just didn't mention it. I'm just saying it because it is so human for all of us to be very much in favor of one position and not really listen to what someone else's heart is saying.

Does he have a job lined up or does he want to move and just wing it somewhere else. There is a big difference there financially. It is expensive to move. The key would be to have a job lined up where the company paid your moving expenses which could be thousands.

When we moved to TX from NC in 1989 it was over $4000 and the company my husband was with at the time paid all of those expenses. We did not have our daughter at the time so that part was not an issue but we did select an area with top notch schools because we knew we were planning to have a child later on. We moved did a plane ticket away from all family but that was our choice. We were not as tight with our families and even in NC we were still a minimum of a 4 hour drive from any family. We moved based on a decision made that this was a great area for us to grow and we never regretted the move. I'll never leave this area.

You say he is stubborn and he probably says you are.

The only way to come to terms with this is to sit down and communicate without attacking each other. Find out why he wants to move, why he feels it is so important for your family. Look within yourself... if you are close with your family then you probably have your heels dug in a little deeper because you see it as leaving your family.

Your family is your husband and children. You have to weigh all of the options, get all of the information so you can make an informed decision.

Could this move potentially afford you a better lifestyle? Retirement? College for your children? These are all questions you have to ask yourself.

There are some areas of the country and I am from one such rural area where there is no such thing as growth and those who move back there after college go no where because there is no where to go as far as advancing employment, etc. It is a very poor area. My life goal was to get the he$$ out so I had a chance to do something with my life.

This is a critical part of your partnership... communication and working together.

We just moved last month from NC to WA. We have two kids, 2 and 8 months. We were not looking to move at all; just fine where we were. But, an opportunity fell out of the blue and my husband and I discussed it. A LOT. At first it was just an application, then an interview, then he flew out there, then the offer came, etc. We rehashed everything after each thing happened. Then came decision time, we ran all the numbers, and for us, we went for it..because you never know if it was meant to be unless you try, right? If we hated it we could move back.

The move was scary and fun and wonderful and crazy. It was hard too. A huge adventure with us and the kids, and we made ourselves open to it. BUT, we love it here. We are not leaving, lol. It's been the most awesome experience. Not for everyone, but you and your husband have to decide together. Entertain all ideas, even the ones you don't like. There's so many things that have to happen before decision time..has anything actually happened or are you just talking about it now?

My advice: cheese and wine night, talk and talk, see where it takes you. Doesn't mean it won't happen, doesn't mean it will. Good luck!

What should you do? STOP!!! Get your kids out of this immediately. This is a grown up decision made by the grown ups. That would be you and hubby. STOP pitting them against their father on your behalf. That is WRONG!

What is the job opportunity? Is it a promotion? Is he getting laid off if he doesn't move? Or does he just want to move with nothing on the other end? Have you asked him any of these questions? All I hear from you is "I, I, I". What about what your husband wants? Of course, your kids don't want to move, change is scary and they see how you are reacting and they are feeding on that. Your kids are going to have to change schools soon anyway. Middle and High School. Yes, it is hard living away from family but I will tell you, you become a stronger family unit when you only have each other to depend on. Honestly, if my husband and I hadn't moved away when we did, our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it is now.

We moved a lot growing up. We even moved overseas. I wouldn't trade any of that for the world. I had so many opportunities that others didn't. We moved some with our kids but not near as much. We moved back to Houston when our daughter was starting her Junior year in HS. Why? Because if we didn't, we were afraid hubby wouldn't have a job! Sometimes you have to put on your big girl pants.

I suggest a date night and listen to him. Talk about your concerns but be open minded. Do some research in the proposed area. Knowledge is power. You might be surprised.

I can't answer this question without knowing why your husband wants to move.

Does he have a job lined up with better pay?
Does he think his current job is unstable and there is more opportunity elsewhere?
Does he want to change fields, and he has to move to do that?

There is another side to this story. The fact that you don't even mention it makes me wonder if you are even considering his point of view.

I grew up in the military, so it's almost hard for me to have my roots planted in the same place for 16 years now. I have lived in my current house for 8 years and I'm itching to get a new one! I never lived in one house longer than 3 years before the one my husband and I built.

He lost his job October 2014 and didn't get a new one until the end of June 2015. We would have gladly moved if it meant being able to provide for our family. I worked full-time still, but without his income also we were screwed. I live 10 minutes from my parents, one brother, and one sister. My other brother is 3 hours away and my other sister is 8. I still see everyone at least 4-5 times per year.

The kids will NOT want to move. But it's not their decision or place. You and your husband need to sit and talk...figure out what is best for your family. It's not a kid decision at all...and you need to be open to the pros of moving and him to the cons.

welcome to mamapedia.

Marriage is about compromise. Why is YOUR family more important than HIS? If that's how you feel - that your family is more important than HIS - then yes. You are being selfish. If you haven't bothered to do ANY research on the new place? Yes. You are being selfish.

WHY does he want to move?? Have you REALLY listened to his reasons and desires??
Is this his dream job?? If it is?? You are being TOTALLY selfish.
Does he have a job where you are now?
Is he going to lose his job where he is now?
Is the job that he is being offered better paying and better for the family?

Your kids are 10 and 13 - that means 5th and 8th grades - so your kids will changing schools next year anyway - right ?? 6th and Freshman? Have you bothered to check out the community where your husband wants to relocate to??

I'd be upset if you are putting your children against their dad. That's wrong. SO WRONG. You need to keep them out of this. Yes, they have an opinion, but NOT YOURS. If you whined to your kids about moving away and made this a pity party and basically turned them on their dad?? That's EXTREMELY bad parenting and poor form.

Stop making this about YOU and YOUR family. Listen to HIM and what HE wants. If you aren't working and he is the sole provider for the family - and this is his dream job - wouldn't you WANT him to be happy at what he does???

Yes. You are being selfish. Take your blinders off and LISTEN to him. Take your heels out of the ground and LISTEN to him and HIS desires. Life isn't just about YOU and what YOU want.

First of all you need to take your kids out of this and stop discussing it with them and in front of them until a decision has been made. That is totally unfair to your kids and your husband. Of course they don't want to move, that is scary. You are the adults, you make these types of decisions because they involve looking at things that kids don't and can't fully understand yet.

We were faced with a very similar situation just last month. It was heart wrenching and I balled every time we discussed moving...but we DISCUSSED it because I love my husband and I respect him and his desire to further his career.

It's maybe not that you're selfish, but maybe that you aren't being realistic. You need to figure out if this job is worth the move. Maybe it is...and maybe it isn't, but you have to have real discussions with your husband on why he wants it, how it will help your family and if it's the best choice. You won't know any of those things if you are close minded and focussed only on the negatives of moving. I know it's hard, I truly do get it. My entire family lives around us and I would be devastated to move from them, we're very involved in school, community, etc....BUT, you are in marriage and you simply must look at this objectively and see if moving involves enough positives for your family of four.

What should you do?
I think you should really listen to him and hear him out. Listen without talking at all.

Why do you think he's 'stubborn' about this? (I'm not asking for you to reply to me, but to ask yourself.) What is it about the move that feels important for him? You say this would be for work opportunities. So, does this mean he has had job offers or that he just wants to move there to test the waters?

I understand the allure of Oregon. We live in a beautiful place. That said, if my husband felt that he would be 'stuck' career-wise here and that a move would be able to offer us a better future and him some peace of mind, I would be willing to do it. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE where I live. Would I want to do it? No. But would I be willing to do it if I knew that it meant a better quality of life/ better job stability. Yes. Starting over is hard, but it can also be liberating. So sit down, have a good listen to the factors he is considering. Talk to a couples counselor if you still have conflict about this. It's not an easy decision, but you've already seen that trying to talk him out of it isn't working, so it's time to move to a more progressive stance by trying to find some common ground in what you are both wanting for your future as a couple.

This is an adult decision. You two discuss the pros and cons of the move and then let the kids know.

In a few years the kids will be gone and it will be the two of you living in this area. Extended family is nice but there are not with you for the daily routine of life in your home. If they are, there is a problem in your household.

Is the area hubby wants to move to lucrative with jobs in his field? Is there a chance for you to get a job? What is the cost of living there compared to where you are? How are the schools? All these questions need to be answered before you tell your children of the move. Yes, they will be upset but they will adjust to it. If you are happy about the move, they will be happy about the move.

I am retired military and many times we did not get a choice in the move. We made the best of it. Each move is a chapter in your life book and you explore and learn about the area. I have a couple of places I would love to go back to to live unfortunately they are not stateside.

So be the adults in this move. Discuss with hubby what and is there a job available now before you pack up. I go along with Gamma about renting out your home before you move away. Get a property management team to manage the home so that there are no hard feelings with family watching your home and not your best interests.

Good luck to you and your family about the move. Sometimes moving is the best thing as you learn about yourselves and what you can do as a unit without leaning on family for help.

the other S.

"Convincing" someone one always makes them dig their heels in. It means the conversation is one way. Sometimes that's good (parenting, safety) but most of the time it cuts off the conversation.

As the other posters have mentioned, this is an objective conversation that needs to happen looking at the pro's and con's of both scenarios.

At least you have relatives in your current location so that maybe you and your kids could stay with them temporarily while your and your husband find out about the new area.

Also, an unhappy, unproductive husband can put a lot of strain on a family.

I know this is a hard decision, but I also think you and your husband should be more on the same page before you open up the conversation to the kids. I think they should get a say and be listened to, and I think the academic and community opportunities they now have should be a part of the decision, but this is between you and your husband.

Nowadays woman seem to stop thinking like we used to. We went where the work was. If husband got a job in California we packed up and moved. Then if we needed to move to another place that's what we did.

I still have friends that move every few years due to job changes.

I understand your not wanting to move. I do. If your husband has a good job with major benefits then perhaps he needs to stay where he is but if he can find a job where he has better job security and better benefits you might need to buck up and go for it.

If you don't think it will work out then don't sell your house. Rent it on a 6 month lease, maybe you can find someone coming in to your town for business and they only need a short term lease...I know people who rent out their city apartment on a month to month lease for people coming in for vacations too. Maybe you can find out of you have a market for VRBO places.

But you can pick up and put things in storage and take clothing and some basics with you. Rent a furnished apartment for a few months to see how it goes. Give it a chance. If you find it's going well and the move is a good one then you can take a trip back home and take a month or so this summer and get the house ready to sell.

That is a tough situation. My good friends had the same situation where both sides of the family lived within 20 minutes of each other, but my girlfriend said that her hubby deserves his dream job and they are a family unit now which he supports. So she couldn't deny him of that and they are so happy in Chicago. They come home (she comes more than he does) but they have kept in touch with friends and family and everyone visits them too. Although it is easier to have all the family support in one area, they have adapted to the climate, social life and he has done great at his job. One happy family after many years moving away. Good luck.

This is a hard decision to make and really it's so hard to know the right answer. We moved to Alaska and lived there many years (15). My husband was tired of the "small town politics" of teaching at a smaller university and really wanted to move for a better job with better pay. We made the pro and con lists over the summer and the list leaned solidly towards staying....we both had great jobs, great friends, an amazing community, the nature of Alaska, and other amazing opportunities. But when they finally did offer him the job he wanted it so badly I decided it was better for him to be happy and although I didn't want to leave I thought it will be a good adventure and if my husband is happy I will be happy. After the stress of moving (2 months after having our 2nd child!) we settled in and 6 months later he decided it was a huge mistake and we belonged in Alaska. He apologized to me and applied back to his old job. And did NOT get it! They decided he just would be happier elsewhere. These were our good friends on the hiring committee. It sucked big time. It took me a long time to stop feeling depressed about this. I am just making it work where we are but I miss so many things about where we used to live. I had to get over being angry at him. I have stopped living in the past though and have moved on...it just took a while. My husband is also very stubborn and when we were trying to decide I met a nurse in the hospital who said I should just say NO to the move. I was too nice though. I should have taken her advice. I'm not advising you to say no because I do not know your whole situation...but I will say that we woman are often brought up to please others before ourselves and sometimes that is a bad thing.

I see both sides.
If he's lost his job and can't find another without moving away - then you all go where the jobs are.
Where my husband and I grew up - almost everybody our age we knew moved away for jobs - it's still a very depressed area.
If he wants to move without having a job lined up on just the hope of finding one - that's not a secure enough situation for which to move.
Does he want to move because his job is offering him a promotion to relocate?
That's often a very good reason to move - use to be the company paid to move you - but they don't pay for relocation much anymore.

In 8 or so years the kids will be in college - and that might be a better time to make a big change.
On the other hand - moving can be a very good thing for the kids - they are not in high school yet - and kids are (or should be) fairly flexible.
Moving away from your folks.
It's tough, I know - but we didn't have a choice to stay near our parents.
After college we had to go where the jobs were - and they weren't anywhere near our home town.
Plus living with lots of snow every winter was exhausting (we grew up in Western New York near Buffalo) - we're so HAPPY we live further south now! - we seldom have to shovel and the cars don't rust out from all the road salt.
This could be a grand adventure!
List out all the pros and cons - and really (and calmly) talk this out with your Hubby.

I think you have to decide as a couple what your top quality of life values are.

It's not just income. There's so much more to quality of life.

And you have to consider all kinds of factors such as cost of living, pace of life, opportunities for the rest of you, etc.

Then you research the area.

When my parents made a huge move for my father's career, my father moved and lived away for a year. He found the home, schools, all that - and when my mother was sure that he liked it, liked his job and had growth opportunities, the rest of the family moved. She said she never would have otherwise because it was a huge move, away from her family and career.

ETA: I should add, the agreement was, if he didn't like it or it wasn't suitable for the family, then he'd move back. They were both on the same page. Back then of course there was no internet and airfare was more expensive so she couldn't easily check out things. You have all that at your disposal. Good luck :)

Questions to consider:

1. Why does your husband want to leave his current job? Is it a tangible reason, like the company is probably going under, he's underpaid, there's no chance for promotions or growth and as your kids grow older his current salary won't be enough? Or is he simply bored with his job? Does he hate the commute? Does he dislike his boss?

2. Why does he want to move? Is there a guaranteed opportunity, or is it more like "I heard that California is a great place to work" or "I think I could find work in Florida"?

3. You know your kids can't stay in their present schools forever, right? I'm thinking the 10 year old is in middle school, and that kid will have to change schools and go to high school? And why are you allowing kids that young to try to influence their dad on such a momentous decision? If you're at Disneyland, let them beg their dad to take them on the scary roller coaster. But they should NOT be begging him to stay with his present job if he believes that a different job in a different location is better for the family. They don't understand seniority, pension plans, the workplace environment, professional qualifications, promotions, chain of command, etc. To even discuss this with them, and to allow them to beg him not to move, has seriously undermined your husband's responsibilities to his family.

If your husband has found a good job in another part of the country, where he knows he will be hired, where he will find satisfaction, please support him. If he's thinking of leaving his job as a teacher or IT consultant or plumber or a factory worker or surgeon, and hoping to become a tattoo artist on a boardwalk, or dreaming about opening a snow cone machine kiosk near a beach somewhere, when he has no artistic inclinations and has never operated a food establishment, then please encourage him to talk to someone about how to resolve his dissatisfaction with his current employment and living situation. Maybe his parents' moving away stirred something in him. Maybe he was only living there in hopes of helping them out. Now they've moved, and he's free to do something he sincerely wants to do.

We've moved a lot, to different countries, continents, states and even an island, due to my dh's job. We told the kids they would have different friends, different houses, different rooms, different foods, etc, but they would have the same family, the same traditions, the same things that are important to us as a family. When my son graduated from high school, he had attended 10 different school systems. Some he loved, some he tolerated, but it created in him a sense of independence, resourcefulness, creativity, and adaptability.

Anchor your family with love and security, not with a particular zip code or street address.

Take an emotional step away from the issue. List out the pros and cons of the move. Take turns talking and listening with an open mind. Then make the decision together.
You accept the while moving away from family and 'home' is hard, but it can be a wonderful opportunity. And it is easier than ever to stay in touch through skype, email, texting etc.
He needs to accept that a raise may mean more money but cost him more in long run.

Well...typically the one that does NOT want to move is the ones that wins.
I don't think it's selfish. I've put my foot down in a similar capacity in my house.

Unless there's some golden, lifestyle changing (for the better for all of you) job waiting for him in a new location, there's really no reason to entertain this from my perspective.

Tough situation. I love moving. I consider it an adventure BUT your life does seem pretty nice like it is. Think we need more info about your husband's point of view to adequately answer this.

Is it a good opportunity for him? If it is take it! You have to take those chances with a opportunity that come once your kids will be just fine it happens all the time and the survive. You will be fine most people don't live close to family. You have to spread your wings and fly enjoy the experience it could be the best thing for you all. Good luck