Sorry this is so long but...
My husband and I have had a long distance marriage for a years due to our jobs but the plan was always that we ultimately would live in Texas. Well I lost my job in Texas so I moved to where he was with the intention of in 9 months we would all move back to Texas together. Well 6 months in I got a call for a job offer from a previous co-worker that is now a CEO and wants me! My husband is upset that this is not as we planned. I am trying to explain to him that with the economy I cannot logically pass up any job offers let alone a great one like this. My questions are, am I wrong for wanting this job and to move back? How can I explain to my husband how much I want this without making him feel like he is not good enough or the lifestyle he provided is not good enough? OR Am I just wrong and need to stay for another 3 months to satisfy him? At the point the plan would be again, I move by myself and once I have a job he will come but he must stay put to support our family until I have gainful employment so our family will be apart then too but it was just as we planned...
Please help me to see all sides and not just my own...
Yes weekend visits are possible and we can afford for me not to work but that will mean a few things -1) My husband will work more and not be at home, ever. He already works 12 hours days 6 days a week and a few hours on the 7th day to keep us afloat. -2) We will not get ahead, will not save anymoney and cannot buy a house which is what we want to do. -3) If I work my salary is going to be the same as his is with all his working and I will be only working a 9-5 m-f
Yes he does miss me and I miss him lots too but how am I able to put my emotions aside and focus on the big picture and he cannot?
Thanks everyone! I was able to read your responses and go talk to my husband with an open mind. We decided that I would take the job, bring the kids with me and he will stay behind. He will join us in a few months. He is a Barber and owns his barber shops so that will give him time to sell or find good General Managers while he is away. He will not have a problem finding work in Texas and if he does at least I will be able to keep our family afloat just like he did while I was out of work. I was so thankful for April's response because I felt this was God's doing as well but some other people had me questioning my beliefs so thanks for reassuring me. I start work May 9th!!
Take the job! I work as a consultant for an Outplacement company, helping people who have been laid off to find new jobs. In 2010 it took unemployed people an average of 5-7 months to find a job and I know several well-qualified people who were unemployed for two years before landing a new job. Take the job.
Plans change. That would be ridiculous to pass it up just to live there for 3 more months, and then what? Give him a hanky and tell him you need this job.
If the plan is to return to Texas in three months regardless of your present situation and you have a current job offer in Texas then I think the logical thing is for you to accept the job (why refuse a job in Texas only to find yourself searching for a job in Texas in three months) and for your husband to join you in three months or presently. I don't think there is any right or wrong in this...just what you collectively decide is best for your family.
Take the job!!! If you have a job offer lined up, take the job. Do not wait. In 3 months you will be moving to TX anyway (right?) so why wait and have to search when that time does come.
I'm going to add also- you have a very interesting situation. I imagine it is hard to live the way you have been living so I am awe of your strength. Far too many people take handouts from the government instead of doing what it takes to support their families, so kudos to hard-working you and your hard-working husband.
God opens many doors which may not be in "our" timing, Everything happens for a reason and marriage is forever. You will miss each other in this 3 months time that's fair to say, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to set yourselves up for the better. Three months will go by in no time...Congratuations & Good Luck!
Is the extra 3 months for school to be out and he would handling kids by himself? That i get, but at the same time neither of you should expect that there will be a job in 3 months, this one or any other one with the economy (in my opinion) not getting better for anyone. I think he needs to understand that you (as a family) need to be willing to compromise. Maybe he thought that your family would never really go back to TX? It could be he agreed because he thought it wouldn't actually happen. Don't know he reasons, but I do think that with the information provided, you should probably take the job because really 3 months is nothing compared to letting your finances go.
It's a little unclear - were you going to move back together in 9 months whether or not both of you had jobs? What is so magic about the 9 month mark? Is it that he didn't plan to leave his current job? Is it unclear whether you will really like this new job and that it will be secure? If you've been apart for so long, that has put strains on the marriage. Are there children involved who will be uprooted? Can your colleague (the new CEO) hold the job for 6 weeks for you, and your husband compromise on the other six weeks, and you split the difference? If there are children involved, you might want to finish the school year before moving them. Otherwise, you two need to deal with issues of being "good enough" and the lifestyle you want/expect/deserve - those are at the root of the issue. I don't think this level of distress is from a 3 month window.
He probably just misses you a lot and for the last 6 months has had the pleasure of you being home with him.
If you can take the job and not sacrifice your marriage, then go for it. If you don't need the money, hold off. If you are that good, there will be other opportunities with that company and others!
can't help you there, hon. cuz i'm totally with you.
khairete
S.
I would not say you are wrong. It is a huge decision. I see you say you will work 9-5 m-f. Have you considered having your kids with you, so he can work without worry. Then he may be able to come to TX sooner. Maybe that is why he is upset. Not to mention the fact he will miss you. As you said, the economy is playing a big part in family decisions these days. If I were you, and since you have done this before, I would take the job. I would also bring the kids with me since you will have more time to spend with them.
EDIT: I agree with April. God opens doors, but we may not feel it is the right time, but if you trust Him, then you need to listen to Him. A friend once told me when one door opens it is your choice to walk through it. :)
Wish you all the best with your decision!
I'm assuming there is more to the story...
Logically, the faster you go back, the faster he can follow you... BUT maybe he has realized that he likes having you around and will miss you...
Both of you seperately sit down, write out the pros and cons... Lay it all out... How will you be ahead by going or staying. How will you be behind by going staying...
Don't talk emotionally about it till you have the facts. Pay, vacation, benefits, etc. Compare apples to apples ON PAPER. Then both of you sit down, do your presentations, discuss. Discuss the facts AND emotions...
But eventually you are going to have to let him have the ruling vote... Or come to an agreement based on your discussion...
We're talking a 3 month difference in the actual 'plan' that you two agreed upon? I'm sorry but that doesn't seem logical that he would be making a fuss over such a small amount of time.... and it sounds like there may be something else going on.
Who in this economy would turn down a great job? One that is int he area that you've agreed upon as your 'place to be'?? He should be doing back flips that you found a job so quickly (congrats BTW).
Are you sure that he really wants to move back? I ask b/c if that was your plan, that he move back and it's only being advanced 3 months, then it seems really strange that he would react this way.
I would take the job AND get into a deeper discussion (even w/ a professional) to find out if there is more to this story which is what it seems form this far away view. Good luck.
If it is short term then do it....However, if you and your husband care about eachother and family you will need to work it out long term.
Hi.I didn't read all of the responses, but let me say I don't think you are wrong. I think we take opportunities as they come. Something could happen with his job, and then where would you be. But I don't recommend saying that to him. What I would say is that plans change when life throws curve balls... you guys didn't PLAN on you losing your job, You didn't Plan on moving there sooner... So why not deal with this "change of plans" as you have in the past. One option that came to mind...could you do your job from your current location full or parttime for 3 months, Telecommute? With highspeed internet, video conferencing etc., a lot of companies are set up like this. Google work from home, telecommuting and get some statistic's to present to your potential new boss as a temporary solution.
3 months is not very long. Why is your husband upset unless he was not planning on moving back. You'd think he would be happy you got a great job where you will be living in no time. Does he really have a job lined up in TX in 3 months? Maybe he really likes his job where you live now.Maybe he wants you to be a stay at home mom. Maybe he just really wants you with him. This is hard. If you all REALLY are moving back in 3 months then take the job! But it sounds like it's more complicated than that.
If the original plan was to move back in three more months (together) anyway, I really do think I'm with you. I've been there, seperated due to work (both my husband and my's multiple deployments with the military), and I don't think that three months in the scheme of things is a big deal.
That said, if this co-worker turned CEO really wants you, can you talk him/her into waiting three months? Or, job aside, is there a different reason your husband is taking issue with this? Maybe he really doesn't want to move back? Or maybe just not move back to where your job would be located?
It seems to me like there is more to this than meets the eye. Does your husband want to move to Texas or was that just your passion? What about the children and their well being (school, friends and the like)? The economy is turning around for the better which is why you have gotten an offer of possible employment in only 6 months.
Would it be possible for you to do this "job" via telecommuting? Perhaps that may be an option you can look into and present to your potential employer. Crunch the number and realistically look at the workload and see if it is feesible.
I think you husband has missed you and the family more than you think. I suspect he doesn't want to change things now because he loves having his family close.
How willing are you to press this with him? Are you willing to risk ruining your marriage for a job or are you willing to wait for the sake of your marriage? I'm not saying your marriage is that fragile but it could be on a very slippery slope. Listen and respect your husband but try to get to his heart in this. Why is it so important to him that you stay for another 3 months?
post erased because there is nothing nice I can say here.
Hi, you didn't explain his job situation. He is going to have to leave his job to move back to Texas? Is he skilled? Will he be able to find a job in Texas very easily? Was that originally the plan in the first place? If it was... my opinion is take the job if you want it. Good Luck on your decision!
This is bound to cause a huge strain on your marriage - is your marriage strong enough to get through it? What's the long term goal? For him to get a job back in Texas? How likely is that to happen? You don't say how far apart your husband's job is - is it a 10 hour drive or a 2 hour drive? How confident are you that the new/old job that you'd return to Tx for is going to last? I've seen companies on their way down promote internal people to CEO for continuity purposes and close their doors only a few months later - is that a possibility? There is no easy answer for this. There's nothing to say that staying put and being with your family won't pay off in the long run - for all you know things may change at your husband's job in a positive way. Yo.u need to make a list of pros and cons - it's not just about you but it's about what's best for your family. How old are your kids? Don't they need their mom around if dad is working such long hours? Families generally do better when they're together - even if finances are tight and they don't live in a house that they own. There's nothing magically wonderful about owning a home.
Can you afford to not work? If you can, I would hold off... Would you guys be close enough for weekend visits?
You're planning on moving back in 3 months anyway? And you've got the job offer already? So basically you're fast forwarding your "plan" by 3 months...out of your entire lives. Does your husband know how fast 3 months go?
Or is there a different issue? Maybe the whole "move back to TX in 9 months" promise was just a way for your husband to get you to move to HIM and he really didn't think it would actually happen. Now that moving to TX is becoming a reality, he's backing out of your deal. I think you need to address this with him Logical people don't freak out over a mere 3 months, *especially* if there's a fantastic job offer on the table in a location you were going to move to anyway. I really think he doesn't want to move AT ALL and that's why he's *really* upset.
