I have to say that the previous ladies have had a lot of great advice. I don't think you are being to judgemental. Here are somethings that I did to a friend of mine that didn't discipline their child even though the child was two it might help you.
My friend would could come over and the child would act up. Hit and bully my kids. The mom would never make him pick up his toys when it was time to go. He would take toys away. Then when it was time to leave he would throw a fit and sometimes it took two hours for her to get him ready to leave. It was worse if we went to their house.
I love my friend of 15 years. We tried to talk about the difference in parenting. She thought I was to tough and I thought she was to easy. So I informed her that when they were at mom house they had to follow my rules. She told me she didn't feel comfortable taking charge in my house. So I spoke up when he did something wrong. And if we were at her house and he did something that I didn't like I would tell my kids it was time to leave. Her child would stand if front of the door crying and telling me not to leave. I would just explain that we would come back another day when he was feeling in a better mood.
I honestly didn't know if this was going to work, but I didn't want to lose our friendship. I will admit at first I din't think I could handle being her friend anymore. When I first started standing up for what I believe in he rebeled. I stuck with what I had started. Now the funny thing is he begs to come here and he still fights to leave. But I always hug him tell him I love him and he can come back again.
As for getting her to pick up after herself, you may have to take her by the hand and have her do it. Eventually she will do it on her own if she knows you mean business. Most kids won't want to do what they don't have to. But please remember to praise her when she does it even if you have to hold her hand while doing it. As for the gift that she always wants give her a hug and tell her you love her. If she gets mad with that gift tell her love is the best gift in the world.
Another suggetion that might teach her to be a little more greatful about the gifts she gives, Ask your friend and her child to do something and your child together for some one less fortunate. I had my 3 & 2years old kids pick out food for the food pantry and explained why we were buying it. I also told them that every time they did something nice for someone else I would give them money for that week only, then we went and put in the bucket with the people ringing the bells.
I do want to tell you that my friend will now say something to her child when they come over. Sometimes she will ask me to say something to her child while at her house. I have to admit that I am glad that I stood up for what I believe in.
I think you have to make a decision before you can decide how to handle this situation. First is do you want to keep your friendship. Second is if you want to take charge. I know you have a long road in front of you, but maybe if you can show your friend and her daughter that you love them it might be easier. Good Luck!