Troubles with My Friend's Children

That's a tough one. If she is a close friend, see if you can approach her about the subject. If she is open to advice, give her this book as a gift. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. It is wonderful!

I would remind your daughter how to behave before the playdate, with something like " we arent going to act like ____ because that's not nice" or we dont talk like ______ thats not nice is it. and have a reward ready for if she is nice , like a sticker. Maybe your daughter will tell the other child that she isn't being nice. My daughter is everyones boss and policewoman, if you are doing the wrong thing she will tell you. I don't know if your daughter is outspoken like that or not. You might also announce at the start of the playdate that whom ever is nice gets a sticker at the end of a playdate , and if the other child does something , at sticker time you may say something to the effect of " you didnt get a sticker because you were ugly to your mommy "

Wow J. this is a loaded one. What stands out most is that you apologize to other mothers privately. It sounds that you have a close relationship with the mom and you need to firmly talk to her about her child's behavior and you should be able to lovingly discipline her child. You two are friends because you trust each other right? My friends and I do things the good old fashioned way, we all help to raise our children. We are all aunties and uncles around here. If the mom of the hellyon can't handle that then maybe consider not including them if they continue to be disruptive. Gatherings should be enjoyable.

As far as your daughter is concerned - please address the friends behavior immediately and let her know that what her friend is doing is unacceptable. My son is seven and I want him to enjoy his friends/classmates/cousins etc. However, they all come from different families who have various backgrounds, experiences and values. After a gathering with friends/family, I will talk to my son about some of the behavior he may have witnessed and what the kids talked about while alone. Just casual conversation so that I can re-emphasize our families' values without prying or being judgmental.

Best of luck to you and many blessings as you head back to work. Forgive my candor but your apprehension is totally understandable because there are a lot of terrible things happening out there to our children and it hurts that we cannot protect them all the time. I hope it is reassuring to know that most of the children are safe, do very well and that the horror stories are few and far between. It's the bad stories that are hilighted and receive the most attention. We just don't hear about the good experiences. Hug and kiss them everyday, tell them you love them everyday, send them away with blessings everyday, tell them to have a splendid/wonderful/terrific day everyday and keep instilling your families values everyday. Be hopeful and positive, never fearful and then you will build their self-esteem and trust. Hope this helps. I've raised two already (20 and 18) as a single mom and so far so good.

Hello J., I have two pieces of advice for you since you asked an additional question...your son would do wonderful in a childcare facility with very low employee turnover. I would ask at any daycare how long the providers have been employed with that institution and if you can view the background checks on the providers who will be in the company of your son. Although they can be rather pricey, I would check out Primrose and Kindercare... make sure that they are well established and not just recently opened to the public. My advice on the awful behavior from your friends daughter is to leave well enough alone. There is nothing that says you have to set up playdates with that child and I would recommend no more visits in your home. Try some of the indoor play places so that the children are interacting with more than just each other. Maybe then the mom will see her daughters' behavior in a different light. I hope it all works out well for you. Good Luck and God Bless.

I've been there! My son has a friend whose mother feels that "to discipline him would stifle his inner creativity." Oi. I loathe seeing this kid - and the sad part is that it's not his fault, it's hers. She's teaching him he can't do anything wrong and that it's okay to never apologize and he's going to learn the hard way that people don't like that!

It's easy to say to cut the friend off, but that is easier said than done and, if the friendship is valued, should be a last resort. I think there are ways to broach the subject of the little girl's behavior.

While the direct approach may be difficult, perhaps bring the subject up by asking her advice on disciplining your child in a separate situation (for instance during church, etc.). The conversation can then turn to comparing discipline strategies. This might give her some ideas - if her inaction has been fueled by not knowing what to do . . . She may realize there is a gap and begin to change her, and consequently her daughter's, behavior.

Another approach may be just stepping in and gently explaining to her daughter that something is against the rules in your house. Either the mother will let it slide and note that a behavior change is necessary, or she may take offense and speak to you about it, and if she does, it opens the door to explaining how you feel about her daughter's behavior. Be prepared to offer specific and recent examples of where you feel adult intervention is necessary, or how her daughter's behavior impacts your daughter's behavior.

Lastly, just speak to her directly, but prepare what you'll say in advance - avoid accusations. We mommies can get pretty defensive since our children's behavior reflects our parenting. (Or, at least it seems that way!) If things need clarity then tell her about how your friends were upset at your daughter's party. Explain that they were upset by the little girl's behavior and that you want to include her daughter in parties, etc. but don't want your other friends and their children to cancel because of her daughter. Nor do you want to exclude her daughter. It'll be a last resort, but I've often been of the opinion that there are times when you sacrifice friendship for the greater good. That being your child's good!

Good luck!

-A.

I'd avoid playdates until your children are old enough to view her children's behavior in an objective way and you can use those moments as "learning" for yours on how ugly that behavior can be. If safety is a concern than I would refrain all together

I would not allow my child to play with this girl nor would I invite her to any functions. If the mother asks why - tell her the truth. It sounds like the mother and child need help badly. Disrespect from a 5 year old sure spells big trouble. I can just imagine what the classroom will be like with this child there.

Yes we had a problem with my girlfriends children also. I did teach her girls, when your at my house you have to follow my rules. They usually did but would still act up. To be very truthful with you- I did stay away from my friend because-if I wouldn't let my own children behave like that I sure was Not going to allow someone elses to in my home. Or at Birthday parties. In the end my friend and I would meet for coffee and just gab without the children around.

Daycare for your son. I cryed the whole time I waited outside in mycar for my youngest daughter. He will love it. Once he sees all the toys and other children having fun and playing. The daycare we used let me bring my girls for a few visits before hand so they knew and saw what was going to happen. On the first day- my daughter informed me to leave. She said, "mommie you can go home now". I think we as the Moms are more nerves than the children are. Just make sure your Daycare is good with no complaints. They should allow you to come and visit before you sign you son up. Then you can see first hand how they act with the other children also. Good luck.

Don't dump the friend completely but it might be better to limit your together time. There is no way to address to this mother that you don't like her child's behavior or her parenting style. It's just not something that ever works. Think how you would take it -- is there a delivery that could possibly not make you furious? Eventually, your kids will meet other children and form new friendships.

Painful, I know, but there are no easy answers I know of.

I see this quite often and it just seems like the mom is either scared of her kids or just doesn't understand.
You may risk losing the friendship but the best thing you could ever do for the child is talk to her mother. Let her know children are miserable when they don't have set boundries. Kids have to learn everything, which includes social rights and wrongs. Here are some of the best ideas I ever received from moms with fabulous kids! Maybe it will help your friend. It really helped me.
*Punish (timeout or take toys away) immediately following bad behavior
*Be consistent (that's the hard part)
*REWARD for good behavior. Let them know exactly what they did right. Then hugs and kisses work well
*role play - be the friend and help the child learn how to share, act and play together
*Be loving but firm. If a child doesn't respect the parents, how/why should they ever respect other people
I don't want to sound like a broken record so I'll stop there. Hope that helps a bit. Good luck!!
Melissa

I would explain to your friend that you value your friendship with her and she needs to take "control" of her daughter or simply don't bring her daughter around until her daughter has learn to behave herself. I had to do this with one of my friends and she understood and started to correct her daughter's behavior. We're still friends today. Just be honest with your friend, better to risk losing a friend then having to deal with your daughter's behavior all the time.

my question would be 'why are you apologizing for a child who is not your own?' -- stop inviting them (without explanation) to your home for any reason. and stop going to their home/functions. obviously, this relationship wreaks havoc with your own children/family, and you don't wish to discuss the situation with the mom. i doubt your daughter 'loves' to play with this child - she is probably just like you - she despises it but thinks she is obligated because this wild child is always in her space! give you and your daughter a break - break it off!

J.- I too have had this same problem..what I had to end up doing was scaling off our playdates together and finding other things to do/peple to hang out with...and also when you see obvious bad behavior - step in...gently say to the child- let's be sweet or "take turns" or let's share - or however you would handle your own child...if it doesnt seem to get better I probably would wait until her mother decides to do something about it and wouldn't hang around them anymore...if you are having a playdate at YOUR house- just reinforce the behaviors that are expected at YOUR house - it is your house and your rules...This is the hardest thing about having children I think- everyone parents differntly. And sometimes it's a developemental thing for children - they all go thru thier "difficult times" at different ages and stages- so you may see that 6months from now she is a completely different child. There is one thing I will not tolerate however, and that is disrepect to adults or any authority for that matter. If the parents dont' teach thier children this at an early age- they have big problems ahead...I try not to let mey children hang around other children that do not have any respect for authority and have to constantly reinforce it to my own children..
This is a hard thing I know... good luck with whatever you decide to do. If you are a spritual person, you can always pray for this particular child too, we are instructed to do this...
Good Luck
Nikki

i run an in-home daycare and had a similar situation with a child i cared for. i have a 4 year old son and the little girl i took care of was needless to say a bad influence on him. she was very active and did not have kind words come out of her mouth. she would say "shut up", "you're stupid", stick her tounge out at me and the list goes on. the mother was not cooperative with helping with dicipline. so...i endured it and did the best i could with my son to teach him right from wrong and i am not in any way saying my son is perfect because he has his fair share of moments. he tends to be a follower though which is a big concern for me so when he's around other children who are not necessarily the best behaved he tends to act as they do. the little girl left my care about 2 months ago and i must say my son has done a complete 360. i haven't heard any of those choice words from him or mean behavior toward the other children in my care. he plays with them and sticks up for them, it's rather refreshing. so i guess my advise is that have control of who your children are around for as long as you can and if this other child is not a nice friend then keep visits to a minimum. you cannot tell your friend how to raise her children and she probably wouldn't be receptive anyway. so just control your situation as you see fit. my son has not played with the little girl since she has left and i plan to keep it that way. her mom and i used to get together on ocassion but now i just avoid it. Good luck and i hope your situation gets better.