My Four Kids Make Me Crazy Sometimes...

Dear K.:

First let me commend you for asking for help. That is sometimes the hardest step. I use 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Thomas Phelan. There are books and videos along with a website, that offers helpful hints. www.parentmagic.com

I also belong to a free parenting group, with Parents Anonymous. I have been going for 7 years and love it. They offer free children's group, where the children learn problem solving and how to talk about their feelings.
www.parentsanonymous.org go to "For Parents" and then "Find a Group".

I would also look into counceling. My daughter and I go and she is only 7. It is working wonders for us. If you want a referral, let me know.

K.,

I only have 2 kids and was on the brink of insanity. Recently I got the book "Siblings without Rivalry". It has been incredibly insightful and helpful. It gives you insight to why sibs fight, how they might view each other, how they communicate (or don't), and how we as parents actually make the fighting worse by how we treat them, compare them, label them, talk to them.
The book is awesome. My kids still argue, but they are really improving in how they talk through problems.

I also think consitancy is key. do not tolerate disrepectful talking, name calling, hitting, etc. Get them to use calm words, express their feelings and needs, etc.

Good luck

I have a few thoughts for you. The first is to talk with your prescribing doctor about the ADHD medications. Some kids need a second does in the afternoon, other need a different type, that is long lasted with controlled release thorughout the day. There are options to help with that. As for the sibling issues, I would suggest sibling (and possible family?) therapy. Does your daughter see a psychiatrist? It sounds like she might need a psychiatric assessment to consider alternate diagnoses. ADHD might not be correct. If she doesn't have ADHD the medications will most likely need to be changed. We see kids with similar issues in the County MH Clinic where I work. There is hope.

I am also wondering if you have received any therapy, take time for self-care, etc. I know that with kids, especially kids with special needs, this can be tough to fit in, but is essential...especially when you are recovering from a trauma yourself.

Good luck and please feel free to email if there is anything I can do to help you. J..

Hi, Wow you poor thing. I would recommend that you have a counselor come into your home and observe their interactions and day routine and go from there. Perhaps some assistance in developing boundries and enforcement could help you a lot. Good luck :)

May I suggest an ADD ADHD councelor. The children may be getting frustrated with their feelings as the medication wears of at the end of the day. They may not know how to handle everyday events.

I am a sufferer of ADD not diagnosed till I was 57. I know that even as an adult I couldn't figure me out. With my councilor Debbie ( who diagnosed me) I have found ways around handling my every day life. If it took help for me, just think how it must be for your children.
Good luck and keep searching for help. It is there.
God bless you and your family.

Hi K.,
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Reading your post makes my heart ache for you. Please seek help from someone who can help you with the big picture instead of bandaids here and there. Indeed diet changes, help books and perhaps even medication may be helpful but you need some assistance with the big picture and some concrete help in moving in a positive direction for you and your children for your future. Please check out the website family.org which is Focus on the Family. There is an 800 number there where you can call. They have specialists available to talk to and help you and make referrals for specialists in your own area. They specialize in the health of families and can direct you to the help you need at no charge to you. They also have many printed resources and books in addition to periodicals that are very helpful for supplemental assistance and suggestions.

I ditto Johanna C and K. R. My oldest has ADHD and we have been through some medication challenges too. An afternoon booster may help with homework/mealtime drama.

One thing that has really helped me cope (besides addressing my own anxiety issues) is to try to take my emotions out of it. Remembering that it is the ADHD (pre-meds in the am) that leads to impulse/respect issues and not to take it personally.
I also have started seeing a counselor. A counselor will be your alli. Lots of ideas, resources.... I can't say enough.

Then, especially because of their ages, I would "super-nanny it" with simple household rules and consequences. Let them know that things will be changing and to be ready to work as a team (at least that is the way we talk about it at home). Let them know the effect that their behavior is having on you and the family as a whole. The older ones should understand even if they don't really get it, if that makes any sense at all.

And last, BREATHE. Often and Deep.

I agree with Johanna C!

My nephew has aspergers and I know how difficult it can be, and then ADHD on top of it! Your are understandably busy and sounds like at your wits end.

I don't have much advice other than a book: 1,2,3 Magic. It actually works on my three. And its an easy read, simple instructions, and tells you how to introduce the new system to the kids. I will warn you--it means a lot of time in thier rooms at first.

Good luck to you! And I hope you can get a break once in awhile.

Sibling fighting is a pain. It is also a given especially in a family of 6.
But it sounds to me as if your family has a few more stress points than most-- starting with the fact you're recoverying from brain cancer!! You kind of slipped that one in at the end there :). There are many ideas I have swimming around in my head but the best one is to get some family counceling. With all the challenges facing you and your family a good family councelour can help ease that sense of being overwhelmed and move everyone toward more positive interactions. Beware anyone who tells you they can eliminate sibling squabbling-- they're selling snake oil ;)

I also reccommend any and all Love and Logic books and Siblings without Rivalry-- wow!!!

Good luck!

Is it possible that she also has opositional defiyence disorder? What I would do is get your kids scheduled. Find them activities which brings them together. Find things that they like to do and work on getting them to use their energy in possitive ways. This is hard to do, believe me, I know. It takes time and energy that we as moms sometimes do not have. But I know that my sister in laws uses charts for activities and chores and this helps them out a ton. She has three boys all with adhd and two with the odd. It helps to keep them from being idle. Best of luck to you mom. I know how hard it is for you. I too have challanges with autism and my daughter gets really mean at times to my little one.
B.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate,to say the least! Also, you are trying to recover from an illness, which is not easy when you are having to deal with all of this. You are a very strong woman to have survived brain cancer and to have to cope with some of your kids having ADHD and other problems. I don't know if this has any bearing on the situation, but it is possible that your 10 yr.old is screaming,etc. in response to the turmoil in the home, you know picking up on the constant tension and fighting and then sort-of "stressing out" as a result. I was a very sensitive kid, and my mom is bi-polar and my brother has problems similar to Asperger's (fits the criteria,but refuses to go to a doctor to be diagnosed),so we also had some similar emotional tension,to which I would react in much the same manner that she is,crying and acting out for attention. Not so much as a result of ADHD or other medical condition. This would be,as I have read and heard, a pretty normal kid response to such a situation. I, like her, was also very calm outside the home & whenever the home environment was calm. Although I know that you probably have little to no spare time, you may want to try to spend some time with her one on one, away from the rest of the kids, to talk about how she feels, or just do something that you both enjoy together one day a week. I know that this would have made a world of difference to me as a child, but i do understand as my mom was already very busy with dealing with my brother and exhausted from her own physical and mental issues. At any rate, you are, from the sound of things a very caring & loving mom who just wants some peace in her home. I hope and pray for you that you are able to find a solution & that your family can have that peace, because you certainly deserve it.

-G.:)

Yep, I am right there with you. I have three (10 -boy, 6 -girl & 4 -boy).
The oldest has ADHD. It seems he adds A LOT of tension to the mix when they are all three together. He fights, hits, pinches, anything. He knows what he is doing is wrong (or at least that he'll get in trouble for it), so he is very sneaky about it. That's part of the impulse-control issue of ADHD. I deal with him differently in that consequences are immediate. Go to your room for 10 minutes!

I find the best thing is to find lots of things for them to do. Keep them busy. When they are bored, they pick fights with each other.
The two younger ones still fight at times when they are alone. They pinch & slap. I have realized that I really need to spend time sitting down and playing with them. They need a guide to show them how to resolve conflicts. I can't just look at them playing together and think, oh nice, I will do the laundry now. I DO have to do that a lot of times, but I know the importance of sitting down and playing. It might seem like the most boring thing in the world, but after a minute I start to enjoy myself.
The hardest thing for me to do is not get angry in those instances when they are hurting eachother. Sometimes I still do and yell, but I have learned that they need a good example from me on controlling your voice, your temper, using your words.
They have learned some really bad habits from their older brother. I have had to keep them seperated from him a lot. I plan lots of summer activities for the oldest to do away from home. I can handle the two smallers just fine most of the time.
This sounds harsh, I guess, but I decided awhile ago that I have to do what is best for everyone as a group. My ADHD son doesn't have MORE rights than my other children, just because he has this condition. I am sensitive to it, but if he wants to be part of our family, he needs to watch his behavior. If he can't control himself (with my help) then he can't be around us. Period. He is doing damage and it's my job to protect the younger kids.
Start relegating your children to their rooms when they are fighting. When things have calmed down, bring them back and calmly explain the new way we communicate. Have them practice expressing how they are feeling. They need words to identify how they feel. They get frustrated with eachother and hit because it's easy.
It's a lot of work, I know, but these are lessons that will help them far into adulthood.

I would try to meet up with other Mom's with ADHD kids to connect with. I would also suggest signing the kids up for activitites through the parks and rec. Keep them busy!
Good luck,
D.

Hi K.,

My four kids drive me crazy sometimes (2,4,6, and 8) but I am not dealing with the issues you are!

OMG lots of great suggestions for stopping the kids from fighting (thanks ladies, I will be checking those books out for myself!) but wow K., you have recovered from brain cancer?!

Gasp! What an overwhelming condition that would have been for you and your family. Obviously, I don't know the details, but the word cancer itself raises a whole bunch of fears and concerns and insecurities - for me, so I can only imagine what you and your family have beem through. How much do you think this has impacted on your kids? I would think they would be feeling overwhelemed themselves, fearful, angry and obviously are very reactive.

K., I really wonder that this isn't the primary source of the dynamic in your family, not necessarily ADHD etc (although they would definitely be factors). Your kids seeing you unwell, having treatment, worrying about losing you and wondering what will happen to them.

Do you have any family support around you? Anyone that can allow you time to yourself, have a little break for an hour even? You can only eat a hippo one bite at a time, so you need to work out where to start.

I would really suggest counselling, to explore the dynamics, and work out an action plan. No wonder you feel overwhelmed: you have had a lot on your plate! And you don't need to try and do it by yourself.

Who is diagnosing your kids and treating them? Who is helping your child with Aspergers and encopresis (a common indicator for emotional issues) as well as the ADHD. Medication alone won't help: there's all sorts of techniqeus and behavioural management strategies for ADHD that will help work in conjunction with the medication.

Please keep me posted on how you go. And please K., call someone today to give you the support you deserve.

All the very best.

C.

I second the "siblings without rivalry" book suggestion. You can find it cheap on Amazon. Good luck...I know it's hard when they fight with each other.

S.
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Have you tried taking wheat gluten and processed sugars out of their diets. It is amazing the difference that taking the wheat gluten out does. I have seen differences in children with autism even.
It is worth a try.Good Luck

You poor thing! I don't know how you do it! You've had a lot of good suggestions here. My two cents would be to read John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. He's my favorite parenting author and you won't hear his sort of common sense ideas any where else. He addresses many of your children's issues. You can find it cheap on amazon. My heart goes out to you!

Talk to your doc about medication wearing off in the afternoon. Maybee he can adjust to twice a day @ lower dose or something. For your young one could she be sensory sensitive?

Hey there! Just reading your entry stressed me out a little! I don't know how you are doing it! Maybe try to keep them busy...each with thier own projects, or maybe you can have a different place where they can each be sent for some "quiet time/time out" when they begin fighting. If you don't tolerate it at all, they may stop. It just means that whenever a fight begins...no matter whose fault it is...they are both sent to their time out places. Do you have a backyard they can play in? Maybe get a basketball hoop. Siblings fight...there were 4 of us when I grew up and I remember the constant fighting. My mom would send one of us to our room every time we fought(we shared a room). Another thought would be to set up a very structured day, moving from activity to activity, so they don't have time to fight with each other as much. You could have them do art, learning games on the computer, watching T.V./movies, reading, cleaning/chores, playtime outside, etc. Hope this all helps some! Good luck!

Get Dr. Frank Lawless' book "The ADD Answer" as seen on Dr. Phil. It tells you how to rule out food & dye allegies first (naturally) - a source of many kids ADD & ADHD symptoms. Things will calm down greatly when they start feeling better.

I'd suggest finding and going to a good family therapist. It sounds like you could use some good professional help - without it, things could get much worse as the children get older.