Bickering Between Step Siblings

One of the most important things we should be teaching kids is CONFLICT RESOLUTION! It's a LIFE SKILL. NO ONE seems to get that anymore.

You talk CONSTANTLY about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior AND how it should/could have been handled differently. If you see something on TV that was handled inappropriately....TALK about it and how it could have been solved rather than create more chaos and tension.

Talk about the importance of talking (NOT yelling) about things rather than take things out on people as a result of something that's bothering you.

When he yells, DO NOT RESPOND other than telling him that when he makes the decision to speak in an acceptable tone of voice, you'll be glad to talk. Same goes for the girls.

When this stuff happens, you need to have a FAMILY MEETING and talk about the RIGHT way to handle situations. Talk about respect and why that is important. Talk about how it makes you feel when you're yelled at. TEACH RESPECT......another thing that seems to be lost. RESPECT FOR GOD, OTHERS AND SELF.

You cause people to disrespect you by the way you handle things many times. HOW things are handled are EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT as handling them. Teach kids to do what is RIGHT, NOT what's EASY!

Life will be better for EVERYONE and everyone around you! You might even enjoy your kids more and so will everyone else!

Recently I read an article in the newpaper about bickering and it basically said to make clear that fighting hurts the other person (their feelings). The best remedy for hurting someone is to do something nice for them. So the author had a jar of sticks with X number of jobs/things you could do for the other person if you are the one who started the hurtfulness. Examples were pick up 10 of their toys, set the table for them, make them something for their room, play a game with them, but they choose the game, make their bed for 2 days etc. My husband and I chuckled at the ideas, as our children 7, 6 and 2 would only need to have to choose once and they would be nice for a long time. Just a thought, I know things sometimes can get more complicated with non-biological siblings in the equation.

another idea would be to give 50 cents of their allowance to the other person or donate it to their college funds. With Halloween coming, you could adjust it to include letting the other person choose 1 candy of their choice from their pile.

Have a great day, D.. L.

D.,
I would have a family meeting.Inform all the children you are tired of the bickering and yelling.They need to redirect thier angers to each other and learn to get along.Tell them if they are upset with someone to take that person aside to another room quietly and discuss the problem and any bickering and yelling will be time out away from whatever you choose for so many days. And follow through with it.Brothers and Sisters will disagree but if it is to the point you indicate you have to NIP IT IN THE BUTT NOW, or next they may become physical to each other.It sounds as if they are old enough to understand.Good luck and I'll ask Creator to bless your home with love and peaceful days.

I often respond to posts about bickering siblings, so you may have heard this one before. My favorite "punishment" for fighting children is to make them stand in the corner and hold hands. If they bicker while in the corner, the longer they are there. It has worked numerous times for me. I am one of 6 kids, and there are 15 under the age of 13 between all of ours. Family gatherings often produce bickering kids at some point. My lecture, of course, involves the fact they should love each other not fight each other, we are all family! Good luck! My brother was the only boy with all of those sisters, and he can attest that it is a challenge!

They all want your attention and most importantly to feel special. I am a stepchild and hated being called that. I just wanted to be their daughter. But I too have a son that is bipolar and ADHD. They do need stimulation and to burn fuel. Sometimes if my son who is now 12 seems aggressive, I will have the kids go outside and do wheelbarrow races or potatoe bag races (this is better for three kids!) This helps my son to chill out! It gets his blood pumping and increases endorphin release which levels his mood. Plus it shows all of them that they can laugh and have fun together without arguements. (Pogo sticks, hoola hoops and bubbles work too!!) Something that is not competetive. Sometimes boys need a space that is their very own where they can be emotional where no one can see. We have a boxing bag and gloves (a garage is best) where our son can go a let off some steam. Hope one of these works. I know how frustrating it can be!!!

Having raise one ADHD child all ready and having one in the house who is ADHD and Aspberger now I understand the yelling issue. It is simply not an acceptable way to communicate in my household period.
I will state the following practices were put into effect in my household.
The first sign of a raised voice gets the following comment:
"Excuse me, are you yelling at someone?"
The second time it is:
"Okay, and now you can go into the silent area (a room where there are no toys, televisions, etc.) for 5 minutes until you can speak to us in a civil tone." And this is enforced immediately.
The third time it is:
"You will go to your room for 1/2 an hour." It is understood that the child will apologize for yelling when they come out and explain why they thought it was acceptable to yell at someone. If there is no apology then no one in the household speaks to that person for the rest of the evening unless they are being given direct instruction by an adult such as: Time to take your bath, time to go to bed.
It is also understood there will be no television, video games, computers, etc. until they have apologized and explained their action and if it doesn't happen when they go to bed an adult goes in and discusses the unacceptable behavior with the child explaining why they are being punished.
ADHD is an excuse for easily angered, it is not an excuse for unacceptable behavior.
Sibling rivalry (I can't spell today, sorry) is more likely the cause and is normal. When there are two of one sex and one of another the children naturally gang up and cause a problem. How much fun it is to see someone else get in trouble. Listen to what he is saying, it may be the girls are doing things to push his buttons so he will get negative attention.

Did you know one great thing for children with adhd is playing games or having a goal that is achievable!! Here is my suggestion instead of a constant punishement for yelling have all the siblings and parents that are old enough get together 2 or 3 times a week and play uno or something. Maybe a puzzle or some type of craft they work on as team. When you hear a encouraging word put something in a jar(marbles, coins, anything.) When the jar is full tell them they get to do something fun like go play putt putt or go bowling. Showing a child and rewarding a child that has adhd for good behavior is far more effective in the long run. One of the things that a child with adhd has to overcome is impulsiveness just tell him commly what his punishment will be each time he has an outbreak with his sisters and be consistant. Be patient it is hard. just an FYI: Fish oil can help cut down on impulsiveness and it is very healthy for your child. I am almost 99% positive that it will not interfere with the medicine but if you decide to try it you can double check with doc.

Good luck

That is awesome you can be a stay at home mom....and that you have taken on the great responsibility of raising two step kids...I have often wondered how it would be to have two children of my own after taking on my husband's two children as well - respect goes out to you for handling it - ESPECIALLY with ADHD and other issues....all of the other responses are good about conflict resolution, etc, but hopefully the medication will continue helping and the older he gets the more mature he will get and with your constant love and guidance he will grow up to be someone capable of making good choices; but in the meantime, please don't let him make you feel guilty for loving your step-children either - he can see your stress over this and can use it as a ploy to get what he wants. All kids are frustrated about something, but that does not make it right to act out. I would reiterate that you chose him and you love him, but don't compare him to the other children (I love you AS MUCH as them, etc) because then he will feel as if there IS a difference. As moms, we all feel as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders and we should be able to make everything right! And we sometimes try to imagine what they are feeling or why they are acting a certain way, etc. There's no telling....sometimes we just have to do our best and leave the rest up to God and the individuals to make good decisions....and keep being consistent! Also - maybe have Dad give you a day off! You can go get a facial and a smoothie and give yourself a much needed break to rejuvenate and come back refreshed and ready to handle things calmly. One more idea - structure helps ward off disagreements....try giving them more chores and more activities to burn off the energy and allow for productivity and constructive behavior. The more work they have to do, the less time they have for fighting. Every time my kids fight, they get separated to their own rooms, then I give them something constructive to do afterwards and they forget what they had been fighting about...

We also have an ADHD son and two daughters, they are 17,15,12. The son is the 15 year old. He is easier to anger than the girls however, sometimes the girls seem to push his buttons so that he will start the arguement and he will be the one spoken too. I try to watch for this behavior and then encourage him before the arguement begins. They also take turns getting along better with each other. Try and find things that each of the girls can relate with the son and encourage them with that to help build their relationships.
Hope this Helps
T.

Hello D.. I have a 9 yo and 5 yo girls who share a room. The oldest girl is my *step* daughter and the 5 yo is my *real* daughter. They like to fight constantly. My 9 yo will tell the 5 yo things that are horrible that she learns from other people. (Such as 'you aren't really my sister', 'you ruined my life', and so on) I use to scoled my 9 yo for saying such things and punish her when she got really bad, now my 5 yo is 'punishing' her b/c she is repeating the things to the 9yo when she gets mad. (I don't tolerate it coming from the 9 or 5 yo though) My favorite punishment when they are bickering and being mean to each other is to make them sit next to each other on the couch until they start speaking nicely to each other. They must hug and apologize before they can get up. Now sometimes it takes 10 min and other times they will sit there and glare at each other for hours (and of course blame the other one).
I don't know how old the girls are, but your son is about the same age as my girl and it is a hard time in adolescents. I also wonder if the 'bickering' is something he is learning from other places (not necessarily you) like my 9yo. You see, Someone (and I won't post who) told my 9 yo that her *half* sisters aren't really her sisters, but her *half* brother and mother's b/f son are her real brothers. A good explanation to all four of your children that you love them all the same and that they are all an important part of your family might help.
Also, my 5 yo has signs of ADHD, new glasses, significant hearing loss, & a heart murmor; so I have to explain to my 9yo that her sister doesn't do things intentionally, that she can't help alot of what she does (like when you think she is ignoring you, she might not really be hearing you). If the girls understand why their brother does certain things (depending on their age) they might be able to handle the situation better. Best of Luck!

My brother and I hated each other growing up and don't really relate to each other now. When I started having kids I wanted to make sure they had a different relationship with each other.
There is a book called "Siblings Without Rivalery" that I highly recommend.

Also, two things that when reading your message that came to mind... one on one time with him... both you and your husband. If he feels your showing favortism explain to him why you feel your being fair. But it's also a sign that he wants your attention and praise. I know ADHD kids want a lot of parent time and have feelings on "I'm not being treated fair." So this needs to be balanced and explained so your other don't feel short changed.

The second thing that came to mind is team building games... your kids need to feel that they are on the same team. That they are there to support and cheer each other on. If you can't count on your family members you feel really alone in the world. Board games that require them to team up in groups of two on family meeting night. Camping together and make them do things together where they have to count on the other to be there. On the nanny programs they find those obsticle courses and Be-laying each other to high places. I know there is an indoor rock climbing place in the Mason/Sharonville area called Rock Quest. The idea is to make them talk, make them relate to each other to get a common goal of success. I always tell my girls we're on the same team. We should be cheering each other on, wanteing them to have success and happiness. If you know your upsetting the other then you're venting your bad feelings on a team mate and that is not cool or accepted.

And finally I believe in family meetings once every two weeks to vent feelings (not yelling), talk schedules, and discuss rules of the house. Afterward games together and and ice cream. No TV, no computer, and when they get cell phones... no phones (that only applies to my husband right now).

Deb

When I was a kid, if we had a fight, whoever was in the fight was punished, because it takes 2 to fight. So unless he is hitting or hurting anything, I would just put them all in timeout. They learn to deal with their differences better and in a calmer manner so they won't get punished.

I am sorry I can't help with the question re bickering among step siblings, but I would really like to know what is that medication that is working for your son and what is the name of the book that you are going to look for. My son is also 8y.o. and has been diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. Thanks

In reply to your later post where you talk about how much improvement your son has made:

CONGRATULATIONS!! Keep up the good work.

I am not so ignorant as to think just a little positive reinforcement can cure all problems (especially not ADHD)
but it never hurt anyone either.

Tell your children that another reader mom is sending best wishes.

H.

I know how late this is, but I just found your post.
I just finished reading the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" and I cannot recommend it highly enough. It helps those who grew up as a sibling understand why things happened the way they did, and how not to put kids in roles, etc.
It is amazing. =) (and free @ the library)