My Daughter Hates Me

R. I can just feel your heartbreak. Have no fear Mom (this can be temporary if YOU let it). When I became pregnant with twins my husband and I had different 6 month military schools. My husband drove me to my service school and left me there and they drove back to our home. Within 2 months I found out I was pregnant, my husband was assigned to his service school and had taken our 16 month old with him to another state. Every 2 or 3 weeks he would fly in to see me and bring our daughter with him. She did not want to have anything to do with me. He would bring her inside my apartment in his arms. He would kiss me with her in his arms and she would cry and push me away. Our daughter would stay glued to her father and didn't want me to touch her nor him. She didn't want me play games or feed her. When my husband would go back out to the car to get the luggage this child would crumble to the floor and cry like she had been abandoned to a painful life with a wicked old step mother. When we would lie in bed, our daughter would turn so that her head was on her father's chest and her feet were pushing me away. It was both hilarious and painful as they had to leave on Sundays so he could get back to his duty station. My husband consoled me with the fact that every time she saw me I looked very different as I was gaining weight so fast. Also, I was in a different place. I left them in our home to go to a military school first. about 2 months later my husband moved from our home across country to an apartment but they were together the whole time. Once I finished my service school and moved to the new apartment with the both of them things became normal again. However, I must warn you, she has always been a Daddy's girl. She perfers talking with her father and sharing her ideas with him. When she gets in trouble she will talk with him rather than me. She thinks her father wrote the 'Daddy handbook'. Her opinion of me is; can you tell me where my father is? She looks like her father, is smart like her father, and thinks that her father's opinion is the only one that really counts. I made a deal with my husband when the girls were born. I said, I will be the primary care giver from zero to age 12. From age 13 until they get where they are going in life, he had the primary responsibility to insure they arrive mature and functioning in society so as to better humanity. So, I just warn her about her choices in life. I tell her, "Your Daddy is counting on you to make good decisions don't break his heart". Then I say, by the way, if you want to run that by me before you have to explain it to him, let me know. But, I am so glad she has that relationship with her father. It is really helping her feel like she has solid footing to stand up to life. You will be glad that your daughter has that relationship with her father also. You are so correct, it is the change. I pray for you guys that you can stay a well connected family. It is really worth it to work things out and live as one family. You didn't ask but love really is a choice two people make.You can help who you fall in love with and you can help who you fall out of love with. The more I work on me the easier it is to recognize that I am choosing the better parts of me rather than giving in to my husband. I pray more and am slower to speak my emotions. I Peter 3:4. "A woman with a meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the sight of God." God is making us wives a promise here. Check it out. I choose not to take Daddy from my children when he needs to make sure they are safe at night and have breakfast in the morning. I don't want their father to have to share himself with another family and between two homes when the girls need him to help them face the rough stuff life offers. Separation is better than death. If there is not gentliness and forgiveness, and change and restoration. But if you all can get some help, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to work through the difficulties that threaten the breakup of your family. There is a miracle in working through one HUGE or one tiny problem at a time. Your daughter is not capable of judging you. She is scared and it hurts her everybody is not together. She knows something is wrong that she can't fix. She also knows that she is counting on you and her father to soothe what hurts her which is that her family is not together. The two of you are the only two people in this whole world that can save her family from the attack that has separated her parents. How scary that must be for a child. I will be praying for your daughter to find peace and security. I pray for the love that brought you two to become her parents to blossom into
the miracle you all are meant to be. I love being married and am a hopeless romantic for Families to develop true love against ALL ODDS. I am telling you, that verse haunted me until I let the Spirit teach me that this was the one verse I needed in life to be the family I wanted to be. It was God letting me know he would deal with my husband when I would allow the Spirit to minister to me. Later in our marriage I became ill and couldn't work. That man I thought I wanted to trade in is now the person I pray for that I am 1/10th the wife that he is husband and father. The enemy tried to destroy my family but God saved us. That little screaming girl is now 20 yrs old. She still looks and acts like her father. I have to tell her she can't spend all of his money, I want some, too! smile. Much love and prayers

I have been in your position, but my son was younger. He was a year old and it broke my heart. He couldn't talk yet, but his actions made me think he hated me. Every time we would spend time together he was very distant and during pick-up he would cry for his Dad and during drop-off he would gladly go back to his Dad. So, I know how you are feeling. I left the home and got a place of my own as well and my ex stayed in the home we were in. When I would visit at the home, though, my son would play with me and was totally comfortable. So, it might just be that your daughter is unfamiliar with the new situation and it makes her uncomfortable so she talks about what makes her comfortable - her Dad. I wouldn't take it too personal, though I know how heart breaking it is. Now that my son is older (he is 3 now) he knows the difference between time with Mommy and time with Dad and he uses our time for us. It took him almost 2 years to realize it though and your daughter may just need the same - a little time to get used to the different lifestyle. I hope this helps you feel a little better - knowing that another child has done the same.

Good luck.

Oh WOW....don't say that!
I haven't been in your shoes but i tell ya i do have my daughter that is 3 years old and she is someone to tell you what she thinks and if you aren't doing something she is used to or what she wants it's over boy....she is BOSSY....LOL
for real though, like last night she wanted to go home cause we had been out quite awhile and here i go pulling into WENDY's fast food and she was in the back seat telling me, "I didn't tell you to come here and i am not Hungry" i was like ok you don't have to eat but i want a frosty...and then we leave and she goes on about did i tell you to do that MOM?
lol omg this child, another thing we was walking out of the house and she said mom wait right i have to get something i said ok well she was taking along time so i sat down on the couch and she comes in ready to go now and she says mom i told you to stay right there by the door, why are you sitting on the couch? alrighty then but so sassy and truly expresses herself to the fullest believe me!
BUT back to you and your daughter i know that my daughter gets mad at her dad and says to me that she hates him because he is never home to spend time with her, he is always working or at college so i tell her he'll be around and he'll spend time with you as soon as he has time, for you i want to know are you sleeping in different rooms? or in 1? if sleeping in different try and bring her closer to you and let her sleep with you and feel comfortable also try and play and listen to her as much as possible this is very important! keep her busy and not enough time to think about daddy as often like when she sees a little kid with their daddy she is going to react for sure and you have to be ready for this! i don't know if you 2 have set up times or visits she is able to see daddy but that might be good and let him have that time with her because it is not her fault and she will continue to feel that it is her fault and that way if you don't but i wish you guys the best and hopfully you can find a solution to this scary situation for her! she has been UPROOTED....~ M.

I find that the best way to handle this is to let her talk about him all she wants. The ONLY way to get thru a divorce and have your kids still like you is to be friends (as much as possible) with your ex or soon to be ex. You can't put them in the middle. YOu can't tell her that her dad is a jerk. YOu can't get mad at her becuase she talks about or favors him. Does she live with you? She misses him. YOu have to let her know that you are not divorces or separating from her! That is a biggie....my ex and I went out of our way to make sure the kids knew that we wer divorcing each other and not them. And just because I don't want to be with daddy anymore doesnt mean they don't! She will thank you for this one day..and it will be worht all the heartache you have now. No matter what, daddy is still her hero, and you have to act accordingly....you will thank goodness you did! voice of experience, and my kids have thanked me over and over, thru the years...for not putting htem in the middle....and making them choose...

Let me say, I have never met a child, especially that young, that hated their parents. Children are expressive and sometimes can't quite say how they feel. She may be feeling uncomfortable because she is in a new surrounding, but she has some stability because you are there. And she probably doesn't understand what is happening.

As for her always talking about daddy, children idolize their parents and I can pretty much guess that the reason she is talking about him, is because he is not there.

I can bet that at home, with daddy, she talks about you, because you are not there.

It's normal. However, counseling doesn't hurt, or maybe join a support group for you. Sometimes being around others that have gone through the same thing can make you feel better, and she can meet some new friends.

Good luck

she does not hate you.she is to little to even know what hate is she just wants her daddy, like ever little girl. let her talk about him. always be possitive. hid your bad emotions from her. . hold on tight and dont let go.
good luck

I haven't been in your position before but I'll do my best as I have a 3 yr old stepdaughter. The bottom line is that 3 yr olds are very expressive especially when it comes to Mommy and Daddy. She's probably feeling a little out of her element because she's in an unfamiliar place. Even though you and her Daddy are separating...that's still her Daddy! She might be a little angry at you because she doesn't know how else to deal with her feelings. Have you made the apartment as comfortable and "home-like" as possible? At least giving her a special space to get used to. Also, does she talk to her Daddy often? I think that although you are going through some serious emotions right now it's important to stay strong and keep the lifestyle as close to what it was as possible between you and your husband. Just remember, it's not her fault that things aren't working out with you and your husband. And make sure you do whatever you can to prevent her from thinking that it is.

I wish you lots of luck! Just keep giving her lots of love...

My little one is younger so I don't know what you are facing to offer a personal opinion. But I do work for a FL attorney and during divorce proceedings you are required to go to "A Positive Divorce Resolution" and I believe children from maybe 3-12 go to a class for kids of divorcing parents...I may be wrong on the age maybe its from 4/5 to 12. But anyway they offer the class online if you want to do it. I believe it breaks down a lot of the legal and personal expectations and things you may go through. Hopefully this helps. www.divorce-resolution.com
It is a requirement in St. Johns County to do after the divorce is filed so if your only separated you may want to wait...but I have heard from clients that the adult and child class are very informative.

(as a psy major grad i would like to say that art therapy is usually very good for her age if its offered in your area) :)

Okay, so I was not going to respond, but it seems that everyone else has not been in your position and I have. Actually I went through quite a mess. We moved and get back together 3 times. Actually, the easiest times were when we left the home. Somehow, when we stayed in the same place and he moved, everytime the door opened she would go down the hall to see if it was Daddy. I would like to tell you it gets easier. But well, it's hard to say. In my case, my daugther loved her Daddy very much and everytime she saw him it was all play time. No discipline. So ofcourse I was the bad guy. Although, she got over the initial anger, over the years I felt it. She always put him on a pedistal. But let me tell you, My daughter is now 14 and her Daddy is out of the picture for now. He showed her who he really was and she now knows I am the one who always had her back. Be patient. Show her all of your love. I kept a journal of my pain. Each time something happened I wrote it down. My Daughter has now read some of those pages and she really does understand. Remember, don't stop being the mom just to get that extra hug. He is her father, do not try to alienate him. Although the two of you are not husband and wife, you still are parents. I fought very hard to keep a close relationship with my daughter and her father, once I stopped. their relationship dwindled.

I promise, that your child will adjust. They can amaze you at times. But also don't forget that she has a right to have feelings and sometime even anger. Make sure you allow her to express her feelings about her Daddy good and bad. When she is mad, encourage her to feel it, but don't hold onto it. Tell her that daddy and mommy both love her. I know at times that will be hard, but trust me it will make life easier.

Make sure you do not allow temper tantrums or anything like that. just be strong...

good luck!!
If you need to talk, please feel free to email me...

T. B