My Sons Biological Father Is Against My Fiance

Little kids pick up cues from their friends about who gets which title - the child doesn't want to feel any more *different* than need be.

Due to some about to have the proverbial cow over what my first dgd would call me (I prefered for her to kinds choose the 'name' herself), I opted for Nana since this was not near their 'names' ... however, since I'm raising this child, you wanna guess at what she calls me most of the time??

She started using it on her own, tho others use Nana, and I told her she could call me whatever she wanted that worked for her (no sense in adding any stress to her).

if he has legal visitation, then you can request court-ordered family counseling....to teach the bio dad NOT to twist the child's mental well-being.

Parents come in all shapes & sizes, & bio dad needs to learn to be thankful that his child is fortunate enough to have other adults loving/caring for him. He was not there for his child 24/7 & someone else stepped up to the plate - it's his loss & he needs to get over it.

Don't try to address this on your own with bio dad....let the legal/DFS help. BUT continue to teach your son to embrace dad#2!

Tell bio dad to grow up! I mean this seriously. I am assuming your son is still very young. Nit picking like this only puts him in a bad place. Kids when they are young don't get what bio is or not or any of the other stuff we adults get. What they get is he treats me like a dad so I call him dad.

A kinda funny story, my exes sister got remarried and her young kids called her new husband dad. Her ex flipped a nut over it and I said the same thing to my ex, kids call people what they feel they are not what they actually are. That he should let it go. My ex agreed, forward to our divorce, he flips a nut every time our kids call Troy dad, go figure! Some men are stoopid!

To answer JB if my ex was to find a woman who is good enough to my kids that they feel like she is also a mom to them I would be happy as a clam. They spend half their time with him, shouldn't every parent be happy that both places are a happy place to be?

I think at 4 years old your son is old enough to understand on some level. Most of the time that he is with his biological father, the fiance is not around. Talk to your son about how there are certain things we need to do in certain situations. Talk to him about how calling fiance daddy around his biological father hurts his feelings. Maybe he could call fiance by his first name when around biological father. This is a concept he needs to know anyway, as he'll need to understand that there are certain rules at your house, different rules and other people's houses, different rules at school, etc.

When you talk to his biological father, just tell him that you will try. Let him know that you are trying to understand this from his perspective, and you can see that it probably would hurt and you would want to be the only "mom" in your son's life. Show him some compassion.

This isn't an easy situation, but this is the situation you're in. Right now it's about who he calls "dad," but it won't be along until you hit other roadblocks. The more you can do to show his biological father that you are compassionate and that you are trying to respect his needs and feelings, the easier everything will be in the long run.

Understand that biological dad is trying to find his place in all this. He's probably very fearful that he has been replaced and it is already too late to be the daddy. Help him to see that his son does and always need him to be a part of his life.

I have two dads as well. My wonderful and loving (bio) and my wonderful and loving (step)....I've known my step since I was four...it's not up to the bio...he will have to live with. Your son has to make the choice. It's natural. My mom said you can call him whatever makes your comfortable...

I'm sure it was/is hard for my bio dad when refer to the other as dad (and that is usually when I'm talking to other ppl or my siblings on that side, just makes it easier)...but that's what he is. I have the best of both worlds, they are different VERY different but with the two I have been so blessed. Your son is lucky and bio dad should realize that...he has someone in his life that loves him and cares about him. He's insecure in his dadhood is what it sounds like.

I bet "dad" is feeling very guilty and insecure right now. I would tell both him and your son that you can never have too many people that love you. He will always know the dad that brought him into this world and he will always know that both men love him dearly. You're right in letting him choose what to call both of them. As far as his bio dad goes, I would tell him to try to put himself in his son's position for a minute. There is nothing wrong with calling another man "dad", it doesn't mean he is replacing him, just helping him by being there when he can't be. Good luck. Some men are so hard-headed, aren't they?

I don't know how you can stop your son from calling your fiance Dad. From what you have written your fiance has been in your son's life longer than his biological Father so he may see him as a Dad. Tell the Bio that you will run your house the way you want too. If he had been there from the beginning things may have been different. You fiance seems to have stepped in the roll of Dad so I would just tell bio to get over it. Good luck!!

I think your son's bio dad has a point. My husband has a daughter from a prior relationship and her mother used to to allow her to call her husband (the child's step-father) "daddy" and my husband had a major issue with it, and rightfully so. How would you feel if your son called some woman his bio dad was with "mommy"? No way in hell, right? There is one mommy and you are it, right? Same thing. Honor his very reasonable wish and come up with something else for him to call your fiancee. It would be a different situation if he were out of the picture, but he's not. He's there, and HE is daddy. Not your fiance.

ETA: It sounds like you haven't done a great job of explaining the situation to your son, and perhaps that's fueling the fire. I remember when DSD would come over totally confused about who was who because it sounded like her mother was trying to re-write history and make it seem like her bio dad was just some guy DSD had to spend time with every weekend, away from her "real" family. Which of course was total BS.

Perhaps you could sit down with you son, his father, and your fiancee and literally draw out a picture of who is who and how you're all related and not related. Like a family tree. That has helped my own kids (blended family) understand why there are different fathers and mothers involved. This way your son's father will be reassured that you are all on the same page regarding the story of your son's life and he will then have no reason to continue to go on and on about ONLY dad, etc.

And I totally DISAGREE that the children get to decide what to call the adults in their lives. Small children will take the lead from their parents. Obviously you either started to refer to your fiance as "daddy" or your son called him that and neither of you corrected him. It's different with older kids - adolescents will call their blended family members what they're comfortable with, but little kids are not deciding, they are puppeting their parents, which can really confuse things unnecessarily.

I agree that it is the child's decision. My wonderful husband has a daughter from his first marriage (his wife left him when his baby was just 6 weeks to move in with another man). This daughter has a stepfather she calls Daddy. It has been difficult at times for my husband because not only does he share the title of Daddy he also does not get to spend the time with his child that stepfather gets to because of the custody arrangements. In the true spirit of a loving father, he never puts pressure on his daughter to choose. He never has once made an issue of it. With all that said though I encourage all mom's who are co-parenting with an ex to try and include them in decisions involving the child. For example, "What do you think about our daughter calling my fiance Daddy?" You will have the final say and will do what is best for your child, but the gesture of asking for the bio dad's input can go along way over time. My husband is never included in any decisions and I just wish his ex had the heart to acknowledge his status as "Dad" behind the scenes.

Dad and "other" Dad, maybe? I've known others that have done it that way.
Tell your ex what the definition of "dad" is, it's babytalk for father. If your ex wants to be worthy tell him to teach his son to call him "father".
This is so horrible that your sons bio is doing this to your son, so immature and mean plus very confusing for your son's psyche since he knows your fiance as dad since he was only a year old.
I also assume this makes your ex mad because you arent married to this guy, so the whole real "commitment" thing is still dangling around in space somewhere.
Most people probably dont have their children call a b/f or g/f mom or dad. I have never known any in my personal experience.

He's not handling it well by bringing your son into the adult drama and it stinks that he wasn't there at first to help raise his son, BUT he is involved now & I kind of understand where the bio dad is coming from... my husband has dealt with the step-dad being called "daddy" since she was very young... it rips his heart every time. He's a down to earth, WONDERFUL father who's as involved as his ex lets him be. He's happy that the step-father is also involved and loves his little girl too, but it still hurts him to have to share that title. We've always discouraged my step-daughter calling me "mommy" - I'd say "that's not my name silly!" (because i've seen how much it hurts my husband to be on the other end). She calls me JoJo. His ex she flipped out when she thought my step-daughter was calling me mommy, so she saw how bad it can hurt.
My stepdaughter and I have an amazing relationship and a name doesn't make or break that. She knows i'm one of her parents and that i consider her a daughter, even though we don't use the "traditional" title.

My personal opinion - I think when the bio parents are in the picture, those names should be reserved for them... maybe come up with some other cute nickname for him to call your fiance?
Children adjust well to change if you don't make it into a big deal, and make it FUN! Its not stressful unless the adults make it stressful. I don't think you should make him chose between his father and stepfather's wishes, he might feel stuck in the middle which is way worse than having to switch how he refers to someone... you're the parent, you can decide these things at his age and teach him what to call people.

My husband never wanted to put my daughter in the center of the drama, so he mentioned it to his ex & then just sucked it up, but it stinks that his ex didn't give a hoot that it hurt him so badly. My husbands feelings have nothing to do with insecurity in his "dadhood". I can't imagine many parents would like to see their children calling another woman "mommy" or another man "daddy". Would you?

When my step-daughter got older we reinforced it was ok to call him what she wanted, but asked her that at our house to please call hiim "stepdad" and not "daddy"... we never made a huge deal about it, just made it a matter of fact statement and she never flinched. We just told her it was too confusing since we never knew what "daddy" she was talking about. We even joked when she "slipped up" and always kept it light, now she just automatically calls him stepdad at our home. Its made it easier for my husband not having to hear it, even though he know she still calls him that at her mom's.

Plus, not that it makes it right for your ex to put your son in the middle of this, but is he going to continue confusing your son by telling him he's wrong to do what you say is ok? wouldn't it be better for your son for you to be the bigger person so that your son doesn't have to get involved with the adult drama?

Good luck, i know things are easier said than done... especially when we're not the ones dealing with the situation. Hope you can find a solution that's right for your son.