Divorce Due to Drugs and a Three Year Old

I divorced my son's father for the same reason. My dad gave me the best advise he's ever given: never tear down the other parent. Tell him he's working ...

Now many many years later, my son learned the truth about his father (who died due to his addictions), and resolved to never 1) do drugs and 2) do that to his children.

You cannot protect them from the truth, all you can do is help them to understand that it's a choice for them and it doesn't mean that daddy doesn't love them (mega important they know dad still loves them but he's sick).

D., Wow I feel your pain. I am recently divorced but it started when my son was about your son's age. My child didn't understand & I was an emotional wreck. You did the right thing by taking yourself and your son out of the equation. It's not healthy to be in that type of situation.

When I left, I moved in with my sister to get up on my feet. Family & friend support is so important. My son continuously asked for his daddy and wanted to go home. I had to explain it very age appropriately that we were not going home but on an adventure to make a new home. I re-assured him that his daddy loved him and he would still see his daddy. Stay very busy & keep your child active. We joined a very active church and went on play dates, Adventures to the park and so forth. Personally I was struggling and so overwhelmed. I went to my doctor and she put me on Lexapro, which helped tremendously. I don't recommend this to everyone but you might want to talk to your doctor.

Make a list of goals that you want to acheive and keep working to complete them. It's been 2 years since I have been on my own and now I don't feel like I was being punished just challenged. I'm happier now than I was in 15 years and life is grand. Keep focused and you will be ok.

Best of luck to you and hope this helped.

First off I want to say that my heart goes out to you. You are really going through a lot right now but I know you can't see it now, but things will get better. I was surprised at one thing you said though and that was "he tried to get sober and we gave it a week?" No way does it take a week to get off of drugs. I know from experience as I watched my brother go through this and watched what it did to him and his family. It was very stressful and very difficult. I am happy to say that my brother got sober but it took over 10 years. You need to still be supportive of your husband even if you two are divorcing. I would not talk bad about their father and always tells your son how much you love him as well as how much his father loves him. He needs to know that he is loved and is not being "tossed out" as he thinks in his mind. He is to young to fully understand at this point so being positive and not being dpressed around him will help him. You might even talk to your doctor who may be able to assist you in some way or your church. I hope Dad visits him so he knows that Dad is always there but please also be very careful in this area. I know at one point we thought my brother was doing well and he was an outstanding father in so many ways, but then one day we found out that when he had the kids, he was taking the kids with him to buy drugs. This was stopped immediately so be careful on his visitations. In a divorce he does get visitation so you need to make sure your attorney knows the problems and that way maybe at first his visitation will be supervised. You have to continue doing what you are doing - working, saving up money etc. as you are trying to make a life for you and your son and trust me, he will understand that one day. I am sure once he gets into a routine he will start to improve and not ask as many questions. Right now he has no place that is his own and he just knows he has been uprooted. Once you settle in to your own apartment he will have his own room and feel more secure. It will take time, but I know you can do it. It is tough but you have to do what is best for you and your child. Child are smart little things and they sense when you are upset or things are happening and they just react in the way they know how. Keep him happy, show him lots of love and just tell him how much you and his father love him. Please never bad mouth the father as this can come back and bite you in the future. Let your son figure that out on his own. Good Luck to you, hold you head up high and know that you have made the right decision. When he enters school you can also explain to them the situation and they should know how to handle it. He will be fine and so will you.

D.,
Congratulations for making the hard, but right, choice. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. Keep reminding yourself that you did the adult, difficult thing for yourself, your son and your husband. Continuing to expose a child to drugs was not in anyone's best interest.

The important thing is to listen to your son's pain. Is he worried that this is his fault? That would be so typical. He needs to know that this isn't his fault, that Daddy wants to see him and that he loves him, but that he can't right now. You might want to arrange some visits with daddy if you think he can get himself together for an hour or two in a public place, just to reassure your son that he is OK.
Have Daddy tell him (if you think he can) that he is sorry that he isn't living with him, but he has to work and has to get better because he has been sick. Don't hold out false hope, but see if Dad can reassure him that this is not the boy's fault. If Daddy is going to use this as an opportunity to go off on you and tell him it is all Momma's fault, then don't even consider it. Try written messages or phone message that you can control.
You also might want to join others who are or who have been where you are. Al Anon is for families of alcoholics. Call them, they are free and in the phone book. Narcotics anonymous may have a similar support group.
If your family is supportive, you might want to cut back on your work so you have some physical reserves to deal with the pain and disappointment you are going through. Best of luck. I admire you.

Hi D.,
Bless you for taking a stand to protect your child and your future.
Kids adjust- even tho it seems like it will take a long time. Try just telling him that whild Daddy loves him very, very much itis not possible to be with Daddy right now- Just keep re assuring him that you and he will be just fine until Daddy gets better.
Try and do as many fun things with him as possible....free things like the park, swimming, playing outdoors etc. climbing trees etc...... Daddy will always be in his mind but he will eventually not dwell on him all the time.
If you begin to see behavior changes because of the seperation get him some professional help.....but I can tell you from past experience that children adjust and learn to depend on the parent who is with them all the time.
Bless you

Best thing you can do is let your son know that daddy is sick and needs time to heal but that maybe he can call daddy and talk to him. I definitely wouldn't let them be alone for a while unless you know that he's not under the influence. You can even try having dad visit yall every now and then or if yall are going to the park let daddy come. You don't want to cut him off completely unless it's dad's choice but either way dad doesn't need to be around if he's under the influence of anything. If dad won't be coming around at all anymore then you need to tell him that you don't know when daddy will be around again and try to refocus his attention on something else. Even if yall don't end up back together hopefully he'll get clean.

Think about letting him call his father, if that goes well in a very public place, say a park, meet up with him. I would not tell your son that there is a possiblity that the dad would be there just incase he is a no show. At that age its really hard to dissapoint the little one. He dosent know that dad is a "bad guy" he is just dad to him. May i suggest sending him to a three month rehab. My prayers are with you at this difficult time.

Hang in there. I have been in your shoes. My ex is an alcoholic. I gave him an intervention and after giving it two more years, I had to get out of the marriage. Our relationship was effecting my daughter negatively. She was 4 when I left. Your son will continue to ask about his dad. Remember to reassure him that both you and his dad love him. I gave my daughter the most honest answers for her age. She is smart and remembers and saw a lot. She asked me some tough questions. I answered honestly without throwing her dad under the bus. We also put her in counseling for about 6 months. This helped her very much. Try to have the best relationship possible with your ex. Keep communication open. If your ex is not sober, arrange for supervised visitation. You are not the supervisor. It has almost been 2.5 years and we are all happy. I would rather my child come from a broken home than live in a broken home. Take care of yourself and you are in my prayers.

D., I'm really sorry what you're going thru, but you have taken the first step for you and your son to start leaving a normal life. It is not good for your son to be in that kind of enviroment. It's normal for your son to ask for his father, you need to tell him that he is not the problem why you guys had to move out, tell your son that his daddy is sick and that he is going to need alot of help, you and your son should get some kind of consuling, your son will be alright, have faith and pray and everything will be alright. Good luck and God Bless You, it's the right decision.

Keep in mind that your son's world is upsidedown right now so talk to him EVERYDAY about what's going on. Since he is so young don't give details just help him understand that his Dad is sick and needs to get healthy. Also, be sure to constantly remind him that nothing is his fault and his Dad loves him no matter what. If the Dad can't or doesn't want to be involved with his son then explain to your son that he just isn't healthy enough to visit him right now. The most important thing is to keep talking. It may be annoying to hear his questions everyday, but the reason he's asking them is because he's confused and trying to understand what has happened. He's going to need a lot of reassurance and some extra attention from you too.
You are doing the right thing. Good luck with the future.

I understand completely how you feel. I have a 1 year old son and am dreading when he asks me why we dont live with daddy. I got with mine knowing he was into drugs but it only continued to get worse. My son was conceived the day he got out of his first rehab. The sobriety lasted about 90 days and then when my son was about a month old he went back into another program, was sober about 90 some odd days again then went back into a rehab and then to a halfway house and was kicked out. So i do get where you are coming from. I dont really know what to tell you about your son asking questions I havent had to come to that yet, but I do feel your pain and I am here to talk if you ever want to.

First cry if you need to. Then you need to decide to move on. So this doesn't affect you or son to the max. If you meet up with your ex and try to work things out for your sons sake it is going to always be messed up because you can't fix your ex.

A lot of of rehab and counceling services can help set up times for your ex to visit with your child. That way you know he is doing what he is suppose to. This is something your ex needs to do. If your getting a divorce apparently things haven't been that great for you and most importantly the environment hasn't been that great to raise a child. Kids tend to know and feel more than you think. You must have seen yourself this is a bad cyle. Don't let it fool you. This visitation set up should go on for a good year or more.

Stay strong and keep going for you and your son. Exposure to bad things isn't good for any kids. If your ex can't get into rehab to see his own son your child will understand. Not now but as an adult. You don't have to tell your son exactly what his daddy is up to because he won't understand. The best thing to do is only say what positive things you can about his dad. Just say his daddy loves him.

Everybody has their own story. It makes you apprecciate life, happiness, and all the little moments. Good luck.

D.,
I'm so sorry to hear your story. The only advice I have for you is to get some therapy, church counseling and a good support group. I have been going through something for over two years now also.
I feel bad for asking this, but I am trying to find answers for my own questions with my situation. Did you know that he was on drugs during those two years? Did he act differently? My husband did a total 180 on morals, values, life style - you name it, he flipped it over! He became emotionally detatched, but still hangs on. Won't live with me and says he doesn't know if we could work it out, but he won't get a divorce (even though he originally asked for one) and he is with another woman. Several people have suggested that they think he's got to be on drugs. His friends and family are questioning it. We had a nice 5 bdr home with a 6 figure income and he let the house forclose and stopped working for a while. He blames everyone and everything else for what's going on, and that's not like him either.
Excuse my rammbling - I just wanted to give you some examples so that you can see if you relate to these things and can compair them to your husband.
Drugs are such a hard problem - I know that praying will help you ~ but he has to be willing to make a change for himself before he can. I hope and pray that you and your son are well through this - and I also pray for a miracle that your husband turns this around...soon!
God bless and good luck,
Deborah

girl i have been down that road with the drugs keep your head up and good luck if you have already left him that is the hardest step i think, i am trying to get to that first step just am having a hard time getting there.