My Brother Shouts at His Kids Constantly

A.,
Maybe you should just let him read what you just wrote for all of us to respond to. It is obvious you love him and his family, and sometimes reading what someone has to say sinks in better than you nervously trying to talk to him in person. Best wishes for you and those sweet kids.

As much as you may not want to do it you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel and what you think and try to offer some advice to him. Tell him the yelling causes stress on both him and the children and his wife and it is not healthy for anybody. You may suggest for him to read a book on disciplining children. That is about all you can do. Whether or not he likes it someone needs to let him know what is up and it sounds like it is going to have to be you.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

I wish I knew the answer for you, but at least let me offer you some encouragement, you are so right for caring. Your brothers behavior will have a lasting and most likely negative impact on those innocent children that have no other choice than to take it, At the very least they will learn no other way to interact with their own children when they are adults. I can only think to offer you this advice, contact a professional or clergy that your brother may respond to, and if that is not an option maybe put your thoughts into a letter so it is not so confrontational? Above all, make your thoughts out of love, both for your brother and the children. Tell him you know how important they are to him and you know he wants the best for them, and the best for them is growing up in a loving home where they are taught with love and kindness not shouting. I will pray for you in this delicate situation. Don't give up, those precious little boys will be men someday, and they need to learn how to be good men.

I think the video is a great idea. Take a video of a family get together and make sure you get the explosions on tape. Replay it later and make sure that he is watching. Not in an attacking way, but a fun "lets watch the video we made" way. Maybe he will see it, maybe he won't.

I know that it would be great (a perfect world) if you could sit down and talk to him. My brother has a terrible temper. When you sit down and talk with him about anything, it can be hit or miss. Sometimes he is very responsive to critisism, but most of the time he just gets mad a feels like he is being attacked. Sometimes it is like walking on eggshells and sometimes it is happy and great. Though, my brother has no kids, so I am not quite in your situation.

But, my husband also HAD some anger management issues. We had lots of long talks and he started to come around. It all boils down to how you were raised and how you know how to communicate and maturity. His family yelled at each other all of the time and they attacked each other to get attention. Dysfunctional, Dysfunctional, Dysfunctional. That was the way he learned to communicate. Now, he will give himself a time out and come back, or laugh it off. It was the diffence between spilled milk being the end of the world or being a kodak moment. I have pushed him to understand that the glass is half full and a nap solves almost everything. We now have a lot more fun. It is not perfect. Sometimes the old hubby comes out and I step in and send him to cool off.

I sympathize with your situation and I hope you find a solution that works for your family. I wouldn't get involved between your bro and your SIL, unless you feel the situation is bad enough that you would sacrafice your relationship with your brother. Only you know that.

Does your brother drink? We stopped the "having a beer to relax" and that also helped with the yelling. The Wellbutrin doesn't hurt either ;-)

Now when my husband spends time with his family and they are acting crazy, we talk about it on the way home and have a good laugh about how he used to join in with them. We love them very much and accept them for how they are, but sometimes I would love to have a volume dial, mute button, and a power button. A family remote.

My non-educated, non-diploma analysis of your situation suggests that he doesn't know how to be loving to his children and how to accept love back. I would venture to guess that there were some relationship issues with a parent while he was growing up. Unless he wants to change, I am not sure if he will be willing to be changed. Although I don't believe it would be fair to him to assume that he cannot be changed and that he needs to be given the opportunity.

Only you know what you need to do, but I wish you luck. I know that you will handle the situation with love and thoughtfullness. My overall (after my long winded rambling) suggestion - tread lightly.

Hi A.! My suggestion... bust out the video camera and let him see how he acts. That might strike a cord with him and let him see just how much he is yelling at the kids and how they are reacting to his yelling. It's easy to just yell, but it's hard to control it. When people see themselves on film or in pictures, they usually get a different perception of themselves. Good luck!

Just because someone isn't physically abusive doesn't mean that they aren't indeed abusive. Maybe you could talk to someone at a domestic violence shelter. Sounds ominous, I know, but domestic violence isn't just between Mom & Dad and the people at shelters know their stuff. Maybe they can give you some advice at least.

I've spent my share of time dealing with this issue and here is some information I received while at the shelter:

Examples of Abuse of Children:

Intimidation--Instilling fear through looks, actions, gestures, property destruction. Using adult size. Yelling. Being violent to other parent, pets, etc. . .

Using Institutions--Threatening punishment with/by God, courts, police, school, juvenile detention, foster homes, relatives, psych wards

Isolation--Controlling access to peers/adults, siblings, other parent, grandparents

Emotional Abuse--Put downs, name calling. Using children as confidants. Using children to get or give information to other parent. Being inconsistent. Shaming children.

Economic Abuse--Withholding basic needs, using money to control behavior. Squandering family money. Withholding child support. Using children as an economic bargaining chip in divorce.

Threats--Threatening abandonment, suicide, physical harm, confinement, or harm to other loved ones.

Using Adult Privelege--Treating children as servants. Punishing, bossing, always winning. Denying input in visitation and custody decisions. Interrupting.

Other examples: pinching, hitting, kicking, pushing, twisting arms, choking, committing incest, sexual touching/kissing, sexualizing children's behavior

**Now I know no parent is perfect. I am reminded of some changes that I need to make after reading this again. The problem is when the actions listed above are excessive and continuous. My mother was abusive. When I was first shown this paper, they told me to circle the ways my mom had been abusive toward me and I have 16+ things circled

If you are concerned about how he acts in front of your daughter, remember its your house, not his. Tell him he may not act that way in your home, and explain why. Not in a mean way, just kindly explain that you use your inside voices while at your home and hurtful jokes about his kids are not appropriate in your home, that there are other ways to make people around him laugh.

Maybe by spending a bit of time practicing at your home, he might start doing it at his home as well.

I think it's time you sat down with him and told him what you have told us. You fear for their mental well-being (this is abusive behavior, even if he doesn't get physical) and that you don't want your own children around him if he isn't going to get help. Tell him his kids are welcome to visit, but that yours won't be going to his house until his attitude changes.

A., Hello. Your brother does not love his children dearly if he is making fun of them, telling jokes about them or showing rage towards them. He is obviously insecure about himself and the way he copes with it is through acting out on others rather than getting help. The problem is, people like him often fail to even see that they need help, so someone (like you in this case) has to point it out to him. You have to not worry about him not trusting you if you talk to him, you have to worry about what will happen if someone (like you) doesn't intervene now. If he is truly has a great heart and is as generous as you say, it may take some time, but eventually he may admit (even if only to himself) that he has a problem, which is now being dumped on his family, and he needs to fix it or he and his family will continue to be miserable and have a very unhealthy, unhappy life. It is obvious that he cannot fix it himself because he would have done that by now. I don't think any parent would honestly want to inflict such pain on their family in such a purposeful way. If someone doesn't confront him, and eventually something bad happens to anyone involved, you will always say "I should have". He needs help because he doesn't
know how to properly discipline or treat his children. He needs help because although you say he'd give you the shirt off his back and that he's been one of the most generous people in the world, that just helps him to cover up or lessen what he does when he is treating (abusing)his children and family the way he does. He is probably hoping that the good he does will wash away the bad. As we all know, that is never true. Children (and people in general) can heal from the signs of physical pain, but mental pain is something that can never be erased. Do your brother's family a favor and get him help. His wife needs to be part of the intervention by telling him exactly how it makes her feel and how she would leave him if it weren't for the children. Staying for the children's sake is the biggest mistake when one of the parent's is abusive and won't get help. Give your brother a chance to make things right and help him understand that he needs someone professional to help him because you can only do so much and he cannot get well on his own. Good luck and God Bless all of you.

You really need to be careful how you approach this because you know, he could stop bring th ekids around you whcih would be terrible. How about when he makes jokes about thekids don;t laugh and say you know that is not true Johnny is a really good boy and stand up for those kids. Also, have the kids over iwht out their father as much as possible and be a positive influence on them. Your allowed to give positive praise to them in front of hteir father too. I'd do it all the time betheir champion infront of him and others and if he down grades them in front of p[eople pick them up adn encourage those around yout o chim in how good thhey think his kids are he might get the hint that people don;t like his humor and stop...

The book "Scream Fee Parenting" is really good, and I would strongly recommend that.

My sister can be a bit much with her kids sometimes too. On the converse, her husband is a bit leniant too. There have been times when she'll yell at my nephews, and I'll teasingly say, "Geez, that was kinda harsh, don'tcha think?!" and my brother-in-law will usually snicker a little. "They say" you can get away with anything as long as you're smiling or joking. It might help him open up some...or at least just enough to pull out that book and say, "here....read this...."

Wish I could offer more - good luck!

We all know that being a parent is a hard job. Like you said, you have to be careful how you approach him, otherwise he'll oust you.

We've had to work really hard with our oldest because she'll get upset and it's so easy to just bark an order to her like "Will you JUST get IN the CAR?!" Not realizing that we forgot to go potty first, or that she wants/needs something to drink or bring with her before getting in the car or something. It takes us trying to be the adult and be calm and try to say, "Okay - okay - okay....calm down....I'm listening....what is it that you need?" Then reminding her to calm down enough to explain what she wants, reminding her that it's harder to understand what she wants when she's upset. 99.9% of the time the "request" (need/want) is not unreasonable enough to warrant denying it. She wants to take her buddy (a teddy bear) with us or something.

It could be just telling him, "you know, I understand it's tough to be a parent, and I could be misreading this, but it seems like (whatever the event was) wasn't that big of a deal to warrant that kind of a response...did I miss something?" Or even telling him, "You know, I've discovered that when my kid does 'x', things usually work out better if I do 'y'." Or even 3rd party it - "I saw someone in the park the other day and something like this happened, here's what they did...do you think that would work here?"

We've noticed that with our 4 year old - things do go better when she realizes that we really are trying to listen and understand what's going on.

Wow that'll be a tough one to deal with. Are you willing to
maybe push him out of your life maybe for good if you do say
something to him. On the other hand someone sure needs to
stick up for the boys, does his wife ever say anything, or
does she just stand by and do nothing. Good luck in whatever
you do.

K.

A., I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound as though you love your brother very much and want to help him. If this situation is bothering you this much you need to do something otherwise you will feel like you failed your brother's children by not doing anything. I feel that you do need to get him aside and have a heart to heart talk with him. Letting him know how much you love him and how much it hurts you to see him yelling at the kids or making fun of them. But, be prepared for the backlash - you may ruin the relationship you have with your brother if he thinks you are out to get him. You will know in your heart you are not and eventually he will see that but it may take years and years for that to happen. Then, if he puts a stop to you or your kids having a relationship with your nephews you will have an option if your sister-in-law is strong enough to tell your brother that she will not allow him to stop the kids from seeing their cousins. If she is not strong enough you will not see the kids for some time. Unless, you have parents that are willing to get involved and try to help. They will take the same risk but sometimes parents can help a situation. Especially mothers talking to sons.

I have been through a somewhat similar situation wherein I was not able to have a relationship with a niece and nephew until they were older (they are 12 and 16 now). My 16 year old neice asked me why I hadn't been in her life and I was able to tell her with out guilt that it wasn't me, that our family wasn't invited her family's special occasions and that I've always loved her. There was no need to re=hash old hurts - just start and build a relationship with her now and show her how much I have always loved her.

So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Do what you feel is best for your brother's children and always pray for them and love them regardless of any barrier your brother may build up. Prayer works wonders. Before you speak to him.... pray and ask God to give you the right words and strength.

There is a book called Scream Free Parenting...maybe you can read it and try to help..I say you b/c usually men are not into books haha!

I doubt there is anything you can say that will change the way your brother behaves. I don't mean to sound snide but if your sister-in-law is such a great mom she would lay down the law and if he didn't change then she needs to leave this man to protect her children from the treatment they are being subjected to. How can she mom continue to let this go on? When it comes down to it she is as responsible for what he is doing by doing nothing to stop it. The way he is treating them will affect them for the rest of their lives.
On the other hand your brother doesn't have to be physical to be abusive and your sister-in-law may be emotionally unable to fight for herself let alone her children. You need to have a serious talk with her and see what you can do to help. There are agencies that will assist her if you can't do it yourself. She may just need you to give her a push in the right direction. You have to act NOW to make sure that these boys don't live with this any longer than they have. You are also correct in not subjecting your own family to this behavior anymore.
One thing you have to be prepared for is everyone being mad at you. Your brother, his wife, and the kids as well as other family members. You just have to remember you are doing the right thing for the kids. This will probably not be easy but
someone has to stand up for those who cannot. Why not you?
T.

Pray, Pray, Pray...

Think about how it would make you feel? Really think about it...Do you actually listen to others advice on your kids?

I would try talking to him. Maybe he's not aware of what he souinds like. Maybe even tape some of it on camera and have him watch it. Or have his yellign on tape and tape his children's reaction. If it's something that's bothering you, his wife ,and children someone needs to intervene and let hime know he needs to stop before he destroys everything he cares about.
Goodluck!

I'm in the middle of checking out a book, "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. It outlines the use of "nonviolent communication" in discipline. I'm not through it yet, but it seems like it may help in your situation. Also, it may be a softer sell than a book called "Scream-free"--your brother may take offense to the implication of that title.