S.L. asks from Gilbert, AZ on October 02, 2008
What to Do When a Stepfather Is Inappropriate to His Stepdaughter
My sixteen year old babysitter recently confided in me that her stepfather was making inappropriate comments to her. He text messages her constantly with innuendos and advances. She hates to be alone with him because she doesn't know how to react to the things he says. She believes that he would act on his words if she ever gave him the chance. I advised her to tell her mom what was going on. It's taken her a long time, but last night she finally told her mom. Her mom sat them both down and confronted him in front of her. He didn't deny his actions, but blamed his behavior on the mom's lack of attention to him. She told him he needed counseling and left it at that. Now the situation at home is extremely awkward, and I'm concerned about the possible repercussions. I really thought that when her mom found out that she would leave her husband or ask him to move out until she figured out what to do. I worry what else this man is capable of. Does anyone have any experience or advice on the situation? Should I tell her to inform her school counselor about this? Do they have to report it to the police, even if there's been no contact? I should mention that he has two daughters of his own with this woman, but my sitter doesn't think he would ever do anything to his own kids. I would appreciate any advice from someone who deals with this sort of thing. I'd like to be able to give her some references and information about her situation, so that she'll know what to do if things get worse. Thank you in advance for your help!
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I suggested she come stay with me for a while, and give her mom some time to think about what to do. She left her house upset, and her mom ended up calling the police. Since she told her mom where she was going and gave her my number so that she could reach me, the police told her that she wasn't a runaway. They did speak with my sitter, and she told them about her stepfather. Coincidentally, the cop was in the child abuse division (or something like that) and apparently he gave her mom an earful because the next thing I knew she was apartment hunting! I guess she asked my sitter if it was ok if the SF got an apt in the same complex, so that he could see his daughters! She plans on moving back in with him when my sitter starts college (she's graduating early) next semester! I'm appalled that this lady doesn't see the damage she is doing, and even more sickened by the repeated excuses she's making for the SF's behavior. I'm just glad my sitter will be away from him. So, that's where we're at now. I hope this lady comes to her senses, and learns to put her children first. I'm grateful for all your helpful advice, and that ya'll didn't think I was merely being meddlesome.
Featured Answers
D.H. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
I think that this definitely needs to be reported to the authorities - to the school, a minister, anyone they would allow to be contacted. That man should not be around her. If he readily admitted it and is blaming someone else, then he is sick. You could go on-line to RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) to see what can be done - it is free.
More Answers
K.G. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
My stepfather was inappropriate with me. I told my best friend and her mom worked at the school, her mom was required by law to tell the authorities. We did state mandated counseling and when it was over my mother moved him back into our home. Eventually he made her choose between him and me, she chose him.
I don't know the people involved or what the next/best step is to take, but I can tell you that she chose you and she is going to need you. Listen to her, believe her, be there for her. Let her know that you and your home are a safe place for her.
2 moms found this helpful
B.M. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
Hi S.,
What a sad situtation. She should tell her school counselor immediately and he or she should know the proper steps to take to ensure her safety. I just want to say you are her point of adult trust right now. Mom is obviously not a person she can trust!!! Children should always seek help in such a situtation, until someone listens. The fact she confided in you, says a lot. She's lucky to have you in her life, and I'm glad you're following through and not letting her down.
God bless you!
Barb
C.W. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
HI S.,
I would like to point out a small thing noone else has mentioned. When the SF was confronted he put the blame on the mother... That is a very typical dysfunctional response. I would also talk with her about her options, can she go live with her dad? are her grandparents around? Too bad the mom does not seem to recognize the story but there may be alot more to it.
The SF has now learned though that he can carry it this far and not lose too much, so he may be thinking he can take it further with her.
IT really isn't fair for a 16 yo to not feel safe and protected in her own home.
Good Luck,
C. Willis
www.MyHomeCottageBiz.com
Supplemental Income Ideas for Families.
D.E. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
I know you are concerned but it is up to the Mother if she wants to involve the Police or anyone else for that matter.
You can be there to help listen to the girl or the Mother but the Parents need to work out the situation and figure out what they are going to do.
I think that both Parents of this situation should go to Counseling together and just not him. It sounds like there are problems in their marriage that needs worked on and worked out.
Also, you don't know what the full situation is at home and what is really going on.
Be supportive but I would not get involved with the Police or School Counseler's. If things don't get worked out between the 2 parents then the Mother needs to leave the situation.
By bring it to his attention that the Mother knows what is going on, the Father won't try anything again but should seek help. Both Parents needs counseling.
J.W. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
Have her tell the school they will call the police. I am surprised the mother did not kick him out she is not protecting her daughter. This man will eventually try to do something to this girl. The police or cps need to be notified and jolt this mother. Someone needs to talk with the mother and make her realize she is choosing him over her daughter
C.P. answers from Providence on October 03, 2008
this should absolutely be reported!!! how lucky this girl is to have you.
E.J. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
Hi there, what a horrible situation! And the fact that he admitted what he did and the mother only said get counseling is absurd! Just because he hasn't physically done anything doesn't mean anything, he is still emotionally abusing her and no one is to say if or when he will actually act on it. This type of stuff is what potentially ruins young girls lives, and I can't even comprehend the actions of the mother. She needs to report this to someone because the man is sick and obviously abusive. My prayers are with her, how brave or her to tell you and then also confront him with her mother. I also pray the mother will see the light and look into her daughters eyes and realize that nothing in the world is worth her daughters saftey and future!
I wish the best for your sitter, her sisters, and you through this horrible situation!
D.H. answers from Phoenix on October 03, 2008
I think that this definitely needs to be reported to the authorities - to the school, a minister, anyone they would allow to be contacted. That man should not be around her. If he readily admitted it and is blaming someone else, then he is sick. You could go on-line to RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) to see what can be done - it is free.
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