My 4-Year Old Won't Sleep Alone!

I would let him be. He'll eventually decide he wants to sleep on his own. If you're really wanting him to sleep alone, I would give him a few months before trying again. He's only 4 and has gone through a lot of changes -- living with his family then moving in with his grandparents then moving into the new house in addition to adjusting to being a big brother. Give him some time. Pushing the issue will not help, IMO.

I think you're husband is right. Our son used to do this all the time (actually, he just climbed into our bed), but he doesn't any more. At some point he decided that he wanted to sleep in his own bed all night long. So he did. (I think he was about 5 when that happened.)

Why does this bother you? You're taking care of the baby, and your husband is taking care of your older son. This doesn't really affect you, does it?

Right now, your son wants he Daddy. As he gets older, he won't. And I'm willing to bet your husband is really going to miss these days. For some reason, your son needs his Daddy. Don't try to reason this away. Your son needs his Daddy. There's nothing wrong with that. Let them both have this.

Give the kid a break.
When we moved our son was 8 yrs old.
His new room was right next to ours but the new house made strange new noises.
Wind and rain and just the air in the vents all sound different.
He slept on a cot at the foot of our bed for 6 months.
He eventually made friends with his room.
We made it the fun place to be - we read there - made forts there - had night lights and all his stuffed animals there.
It just took time.
Now he never wants to LEAVE his room.
Your son will get over it eventually.
In the mean time - don't sweat the small stuff.
He's 4 - he'll not be going to go off to college and still be looking to sleep with his parents.

My suggestion would not be about your son, or his sleeping habits. It's got to start with your husband, and it's important that you and your husband agree on the plan.

There are a variety of ideas to help a child adjust to sleeping in his own room:

1. White noise (a fan or sound machine) sometimes helps.

2. When the child wakes the parent up, the parent does not interact with the child at all (no soothing words, no eye contact) but simply leads the child back to the child's bed, gives a reassuring loving little rub on the child's back, leaves without saying a word. Repeat until this new pattern is established.

3. Tell the child if he gets out of bed he may lie down on a comforter which is placed on the floor next to your bed. No interaction, no talking. Move the comforter further and further away gradually. Then move it to the child's room.

But all this all depends on your husband's willingness to stop encouraging or enabling or caving in to the child's nighttime demands. Tell your husband that if he stands firm, his son will never want to stop finding him, just not for a sleep buddy. He'll find him for sound advice, for strength, for a guy to throw the football around with, for a fishing partner. But in order to develop a secure, strong young man, you've got to start now. Your husband needs to know that sleeping with a kid who's going to be in kindergarten soon is not providing comfort, it's establishing weakness and reinforcing dependency.

I know - it's hard. You're feeding the new baby, and your husband probably feels really needed at night, by his sweet, precious son. I get that. But try talking this through with your husband. That's where you need to start.

Adjust the bedtime routine.
(For anybody who says, ok it'll work itself out, no need to do anything, etc... that's fine and dandy if the situation is working for you... but it isn't. Or you wouldn't have posted asking how to stop it.)

He will not stop coming into your room until 2 things happen. 1) He falls asleep on his own (meaning without Dad in the room with him then), and 2) when he doesn't get anything out of it. In other words, when there is no reward for getting out of his comfy bed to walk across the house. So, Daddy stops going back to his room with him. Daddy stops comforting needlessly when he comes to your room. And Daddy most DEFINITELY does NOT carry him back to his room. Make him walk. Daddy *can* walk with him. Daddy *can* rest a hand on his shoulder as he guides him back to his room, and give him a quick tuck into bed (pulls the covers up, peck on the cheek goodnight). But that's it. If Daddy carries him, it's a reward. If Daddy stays with him, it's a reward. If Daddy lets him get into your bed, it's a reward.

Take away the rewards. And have Daddy leave his room before he falls asleep at bedtime. Then he'll be accustomed to it when he wakes in the middle of the night, too. Once there is no reward, he will stop getting up.

FWIW, we moved from our home into a townhouse when my daughter had just turned 4 (3 weeks after her birthday). She shared a room with her older brother for 10 months while we built our house. We moved in here before her 5th birthday, and I was aware that something like you describe might be an issue. It really wasn't. She came to our room maybe 3 times in the first few weeks. Each time, I walked her back to her room (the complete opposite end of the house) and tucked her back into bed. That was it. Never a big issue. Stopped after maybe 3 times.

--ETA So I tried to give a flower to Elena B, because she nailed it. But the site won't let me. STILL having issues with that for some reason! Ugh.

Your husband is right and if it's not keeping you awake, let it be. I'd put a mattress at the foot of your bed and he can sleep there. That's not as great as daddy cuddling with him but you're not forcing him away. He's only 4. And kuddos to your husband! So many times it's the mother who has to go. It's awesome your son wants daddy time.

you can't teach a 4 year old to sleep with you and then expect that he'll just take to sleeping alone with no transition or help.

some will, of course. but if you don't luck out to that degree, you have to a) figure out a strategy that accommodates your family philosophy b) stick to it BUT also be prepared to adapt as needed to your kid and family's individual circumstances and c) give it time to work.

i'm sure the 2 months feels like forever, especially with a nursing baby in the house, but it's really not that long after a year of sleeping with you all the time.

i myself never let my kids get into the habit of thinking i would lie with them until they fell asleep. for many parents that falls well within their parenting philosophy (nurture over convenience), but for us sleep training with boundaries was absolutely necessary for my sanity. we were both hardworking parents and we all needed our sleep.

but you can't fix it all at once. decide whether having your son fall asleep solo or if the midnight incursion is your first priority. then tackle that ONE issue and overcome it.

it won't be fixed by simply explaining. your husband will need to establish a good bedtime routine, and after the story or whatever the wind-down snuggle time entails, kiss him goodnight and go.

it will probably require several nights to several weeks for the new routine to take hold. if your son cries, your husband will need to go in and wordlessly pat or soothe him and leave again. if he gets up, he'll need to be led quietly and without drama, anger or apologies back to bed.

be consistent, compassionate and firm.

give it time to work.

ETA of course a family bed or a nest on the floor are also fine options, but i gathered from the OP that it was a priority for the little guy to sleep solo.
khairete
S.

Well, your husband is right in that you can fight this, or you can not fight it. You are also correct in that he's not scared, he's just lonely.

With my first, we were very adamant about kids in their own rooms and we walked our LO back to his room as many times as it took in a night. By my second one, I was TIRED (won't get into why) and didn't have the energy for this. So, we moved him into his brother's room. Problem was immediately solved. It's worth noting that neither of them woke the other at night (crying and amazingly even emergencies like vomit and subsequent cleanup did not wake the other child). They were both happy simply to have another sleeping body in the room.

Talk to him about how he is a big kid now and needs to sleep in his own room and stop getting up in the middle of the night. Remind him daily. Calmly walk him back each time. Tell him to get into bed and time to sleep. Sit and rub his back for a little bit. When I finally had enough of our son wanting to sleep with us I finally did this...being very black and white about it and not giving in. The problem is your husband keeps on giving in. He needs to be kind and loving but stop sleeping with him! After doing this for a long time it will be the new normal for your son. Both our kids stopped coming to get us once they realized no one was going to sleep with them or let them into our bed.

Your husband should calmly walk him back to his own room and tuck him in. Repeat every time, as long as it takes.

Too much light disturbs sleep patterns, btw, so trade whatever light he's using for a dim nightlight.

Im with your husband. If Dad doesnt mind, let it go. Choose your battles