How Do I Get My Daughter to Sleep in Her Own Bed?

Does she have her own room? Maybe she could help you decorate it to her liking. Make it her OWN special place to go. My daugther slept with me for five years, so I know all about it! I made her room the way she wanted it. Lots of books to read in a bookshelf, dolls, etc. I also let her pick out bedding and made clouds on the ceiling. May sound like a little much huh?! Anyway, she loved it and the way I got her in her own bed was this:
I started out reading to her in her bed
I would lay with her each night until she got used to this new idea and fell asleep.
I used a chart for incentive to sleep on her own. If she slept in her bed seven times (one full week) we'd go to the bookstore to pick out a book.
-I still read to her and stayed a few minutes, each night you lessen the minutes however...and tell her what a big girl she is and how if she wakes up scared she can come join you in bed...or have one set day where she can sleep with you still. It worked for me, it just takes laying down some ground rules and time:)
Good luck!

Hi there, my son is 9 and will not sleep in his own room I have tried every thing from a t.v. in his room to putting on a chart happy faces and if he gets so many he will get a re ward nothing is working. I am having a real problem so I can only give you the ideas that I tried. Good luck I hope you have better luck than I did.

K.

I had a friend with this problem, and she made a deal with her daughter that they would redo her room with a "princess bed" if she would sleep there...they got pink sheets and a fancy pink quilt and even hung those over-the-bed drapes like mosquito netting. So far it is working.

Good luck!

L.

If it were me, I would propose a compromise. You both have needs/expectations and I think you can meet in the middle here. She still wants you at night, but you don't want her in your bed/bedroom. Would you consider going to her, to her room and stay if she needed you?

I co-slept with my now 8 yr old son in our marital bed till he was 2. DH kicked him out. Fine, but I * knew * he still needed "nighttime parenting." So I nursed him to sleep and when he woke up at 2-3am, I always went to him and just lay with him until he fell asleep and I just stayed. Everyone got sleep. He never begged/whined to come to our room and never felt rejected. We have a strict rule of no kid in the bed at night (DH can't sleep otherwise) but I have a firm policy of "I'll meet your nighttime need for comfort and reassurance."

My 3.5 yr old daughter sleep on a mattress in her brothers room (since age 1). I weaned her at age 3. I still lie with her until she sleeps. Sometimes she wakes up at 3am, sometimes at 5 or 6. She quietly knocks on my door and I quietly walk her back (no crying, begging whining) and lie in her bed and we peacefully fall back asleep.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA is a great book
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/
She talks about the "red zone" and "green zone." If children and parents are in the "red zone" (tense, upset, angry, crying) then the body goes into "fight or flight" and there is NO WAY anyone can get sleep. Adult/child is on HIGH alert mode. You have go help the child get back in the green zone. And if they feel it coming from you, they pick up on it and they can relax.

My son stopped asking for/needing "co-sleeping at age 5-6. WOW. Now I give him a kiss goodnight, a hug and he's fine. My daughter (yours is still young too) still needs nighttime reassurance.

I agree you should get her out if you feel this is out of hand and you should do it now while you can, but be gentle with it. I did hear of a couple who had an 8/9 yr old, still in their bed and it was a real problem. I LOVE co-sleeping and am a big proponent of it (bonding, no sleep wars at night, helps BFing etc....) but there needs to be a point where everyone is happy, not just one person. Good luck! PS I 2nd the NO CRY SLEEP SOLUTION suggestion
http://www.pantley.com/index.html

My response isn't really advice; more along the line of solidarity (for whom, I'm not sure -- maybe from my daughter to yours ;-). We began co-sleeping almost right away, and have only had a few nights during which our daughter slept in her own room. She's 8 now and I did wonder how to go about transitioning her, thought I'd do it when she was 4. We tried, but she wasn't ready then. I gave some thought to it, asked myself some questions and realized it wasn't a problem for me personally. My husband & I discussed it and it wasn't bothering him either. Certainly our daughter was happier. She's a very confident and independent kid who has no prob going to sleepovers, so no negative issues. It's very sweet having her with us.

My point is, if it's not a problem having your daughter, consider just letting it be. In other countries, it's very common for kids to sleep with their parents. In our country we worry about it because it's not done so much and those of us who do it catch a bit of criticism. But there are quite a lot of us -- a friend with a 10 year old son confessed recently that he still slept with them. I know this kid and there is nothing about him that sets him apart. I read a Dear Amy column recently with a parent writing in about it. The parent was wondering if they were doing something wrong. Amy was gratifyingly relaxed about the issue and said that in her experience most co-sleeping kids sort of transition themselves on their own at around 10. If parents and kid are enjoying it and no one has any issues, no harm and much comfort. I was over being concerned for our purposes when I read the column, but it was nice to have the validation.

Just some thoughts. I wish you & your family all the best,
Colleen

WE also coslept but when the time came for a new baby we knew we had to figure something out. What worked best for us was to put her toddler matress on the floor in our room, start out right next to your bed and then when she gets used to that move the matress into a corner. Make sure to take baby steps. What we eventually did was to put her down for naps on the matress on the floor in her room but I realize that your 4 year old may not be taking naps any longer. The next step might then be to put her in the room with her brother even if the eventual goal is her own room. We thought we would never get her out of our bed but we are amazed at the change. She still wakes up some nights and wants to be near us, but we consider that a positive thing. Best of Luck!!!

Hi R.,

My daughter slept with us, too. It may help if you let her know you like her in your bed. If she's feeling rejected she may cling all the more. Make sure her room is special, with comforter or something she has chosen, and that there's a special stuffed toy or something on her bed. Work with her for a solution -- my daughter said she wanted to go to sleep with me on the bed and then, when she was asleep we could carry her to her room. She would then come back in our room when she woke up in the morning. This lasted until my husband couldn't easily carry her, at which time she had to walk into her room after initally falling asleep. She finally decided to just go to sleep in her room. My daughter is now 24 and living in her own place. One night she had occasion to spend with us (Christmas Eve) and she started out up in bed with me watching TV. It's wonderful to have that closeness. Don't undo what you have begun.

V.

I just received the book Sleep Easy from the sleepyplanet.com web site. It addresses sleep issues from birth to 5 years old. Our son who is 3 was having trouble sleeping in his own bed - I used to cuddle with him in his bed until he fell asleep and then during the night when he awoke, he would crawl into our bed (his sleep comfort - me - was no longer there). We started a "sleepy fairy" chart - he would get a star for every night that he fell asleep on his own and then stayed in his bed until "the sun woke up". Once he did 7 nights, the "sleepy fairy" would come and leave something special for him under his pillow. He had a hard time the first 3 nights with the falling asleep on his own, but we stuck to it and told him we would come to his room and check on him every 5 minutes, which we did. By the third night, he was asleep the second time we went to check on him, and he has slept in his own room, going to sleep on his own for 10 nights now. We also have a 2 month old, so it was very important to us to accomplish the sleep issue with our 3 year old.

Hope any of this helps!

Have you tried putting the two kids in the same room? That did the trick for 2 of my friends.

Hi R.,
My son slept with us the first year or two and I loved it. It made nursing easy, I didn't have to wonder if he was okay on his own, he was happy, and hey, one less set of sheets to change! Then daddy finally spoke up and informed me he was hardly sleeping at night. As time went on I paid more attention and realized my son and I woke up several times a night as well. So what we did was a long and annoying process but worked for us. I explained to him he could no longer sleep in our bed because he was getting so big and using so much of the bed space. He could however sleep in our room until things became easier. Every few nights he would have a new rule. He could sleep in our room but only by the door, he couldn't sleep in our room but could sleep right next to our door, until he was sleeping in his room by his door. Eventually he took the plunge and got into his own bed. We rearanged his room to his liking so he could still see into the hall and that helped too. Plus I always reminded him that once the sun was shining he was more than welcome to come into our bed for some cuddle time. There were nights of many tears but it worked out as long as we stayed patient. I hope your solution is right around the corner. Good luck and happy sleeping.

You por thing... I still go to sleep with my Daughter and she is turning 6 next week... You will do much better with you 2nd child... Don't worry... they all grow up.

Hi R., you must be frustrated and exhausted. My friend had almost the identical problem with her 3 1/2 year old. This may sound kind of silly, but she followed the procedure that is suggested on the tv show "Super Nanny" for getting children to stay in their own bed.......it took 4 very difficult and long nights of wordlessly leading her son back to his bed over and over again, but it did work. I know it's hard. I don't know if you watch the show, but it worked for her. I wish you the best, hang in there!

When my oldest had that same problem at the same age, we did a few things to help him. First he got to pick out any beding set that he wanted. Then I let him pick a few new posters and a new night light. He picked all Spiderman stuff. He would actually get very excited to sleep in his new Spiderman bed and look at his posters with the little bit of light that the night light emitted. Then if he stayed in his bed all night, I would give him a ton of praise all the next day. There were times that he would come into my room, but I would take him back to his room instead of letting him sleep in my room. I would usually have to lay with him in his bed until he fell asleep (maybe 5 minutes). Eventually he stopped coming in.

Try the supernanny way of just keep putting her back in bed. We had a similar issue with my four-year-old son, and we just got firm (loving, but serious) with him. Soon he got the hang of it and lost any fears that came with sleeping on his own. We realize now that all the hard work spent to get him in his own room has paid off; we sleep better & he is more independent. We also told him that he was getting older and that as a big boy, he has more responsibilities. Sleeping in his own room was a "responsibility" he had. Each night he successfully stayed in his bed until the morning, we would reward him with a sticker to place on a chart that was on his wall above his bed. Each night he would count the stickers before going to bed and tell us that he was excited to get the next one so that he could count more. Good luck... stick with it!

We had the same problem with our daughter. I started going to her room with her and laying with her until she fell asleep. Later we moved onto 3 stories, then 2, then 1 and over time she began to feel comfortable. I know this is very hard. Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

Have you tried a reward system? For example, you can put her to bed in her room with the promise that if she stays in bed there and wakes up there in the morning you'll take her to the toy store for 1 new toy (you can go to the Dollar Tree so it doesn't break the wallet). This kind of system worked really well with my sons. In fact, I designed a treasure chest packed with Dollar Tree goodies that they got to visit and choose from whenever it was reward time.

Although I don't have your exact problem, I have been reading a great book that might help you. It's called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I've been using it to help transition my 4 month old son to his big crib and to extend his sleeping throughout the night (he's been waking every 2 hours). I think you'll find it helpful because she used co-sleeping with all her children, so she offers specific ways to help transition your child to their own bed. Good luck.

Hi R.,
I struggled through this exact problem with my youngest (19 mo. old). I also have a 4 yr. old. My husband travels for good lengths of time and in order to get the most out of my nights i would have my girls sleep with me. This started becoming a problem when my husband came home because he would end up sleeping in the girls' room or in the day bed we have in our study. I started out by allowing the girls to fall asleep in our bed. Once asleep I would move them both to their respective beds. If they came to our bed in the middle of the night, I would begin the cycle again. About a month after that I started a new bedtime routine with the girls where we would read our bedtime story in their room and then say prayers. Once prayers were done I would turn out the lights and sit next to the youngest ones bed without saying a word. At first they both cried but after reassuring them that I would stay in their room until they fell asleep it seemed to work. At times the younger one still wants to go into mommy and daddy's bed but I sit next to her bed and hold her hand. It has been a blessing that they picked up on this routine and are sticking to it. It took a lot of work and some patience but we have been successful. Good luck to you and don't lose your cool.

My son slept with me for a long time he is now 4 and has been in his own bed for 2 years, he goes in spurts for weeks he crawls in my bed at around 3 am and for weeks he doesn't at all. He likes to have something of mine we started by trading pillows every night so he had one that smelled like me and I had one that smelled like him. Then we did it with small stuffed animals and now he wants to sleep with my shirt I wore that day. It's a little weird but when were on vacation we didn't have a pillow or animal that smelled like mommy so I offered my sweater and it stuck. I don't really mind I Just have to go through his bed on laundry day. :)
So I guess my advice would be try tradding pillows so she feel like you want to have a reminder of her and she has a reminder of you.

I'm more concerned that your husband works 80 hours a week. How can he possibly be any kind of dad working so many hours?? I think it's very sad. About the sleeping thing, you have to get tough - real tough. That's the only way it's going to work. You have to keep bringing her back into her room until she falls asleep from exhaustion. You will be tired for a week or two, but in the long run, it will be worth it.

Hi R.,

Did you read the e-mail a couple weeks ago? Someone suggested putting the child to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor next to the parent's bed. Then night after night you just move the sleeping bag with child a few inches further away from your bed; then out your door; then inch by inch down the hall; then finally into her own room. Apparently it takes weeks/months, but they said it was well worth the effort. Don't forget to give her a soothing warm bath to make her sleepy; read her a nice bedtime story; say your prayers; and let her drift off to sleep. Good Luck!

M.

I know you think you have a big fight on your hand. But, you need to take control of this situtation. YOU are the adult , you are not the child. Please remember that simple and basic rule. It will make your whole life easier. Stand your ground and tell your daughter she needs to sleep in her own room. If she sleeps on your florr then let her. If you wake up then put her back into the bed. It not the end of the world, and your are doing a great job.
N.

If she has her own room, you could start with the other ideas of decorating it especially the way she would like it. Including her in the decisions of the decor. Then start slowly, putting a floor type bedding on the floor by your bed. Then gradually move the bed away from your bed and toward the door. Give her a few night with each move until she's in her own room and in her own bed. I have suggested this for several of my friends and they have said this works. You do have to be firm and not let her in your bed for a while until she understands that your bed is for you and daddy and her bed is for her. Good Luck.

I also had this problem with my daughter except I was a working mom(no breastfeeding) and it was easier to get sleep during the night. What finally worked for us is putting both kids in the same room. We moved into a smaller house so it was necessary but I was amazed that it worked. My son and daughter were about the same ages as yours are. We got a trundle bed and they shared a room up until this past Dec. She is 8 now and my son just turned 6. We thought maybe she was just used to the noise of someone else sleeping next to her. Good luck!

Just begin putting her in her own bed evry time she comes into your room. She will probably cry, and you may not get too much sleep at first, but if you're consistant, she will get the point and be fine.

there is only one effective way to stop this and it to stop rewarding her behavior by letting her stay in your room. What began as convenience is now a problem. You can end it by taking a week of concerted effort on your part. Every single time (this is the key) she comes into your room at night, gently take her by the hand and lead her back to her own bed, do not talk to her, or kiss her or reward her in any way (this is all done the first time she goes to bed for the night). This may take all night the first two or three nights. But if you are consistent with this, she will know she will have to go back to her own bed and she will stay there.

Elizabeth Pantley also has a toddler/preschooler version of the No-Cry book, and I'd recommend that for a four-year old. You'll have to find an approach that works for you, and you and your husband alone will know what's best in your situation. It may take a little creativity to find the right routine, but once you find something that seems to work, the key will be doing it consistently until your daughter learns that her bed is where she sleeps, and your bed is where you and your husband sleep. (BTW, my daughter is 3 1/2, and we're working to get her to stay in her bed. It's been a long haul for us but we've made a lot of progress. Every child is different.) I've written about this extensively, as have other moms, on another site, Mothers Click. Feel free to check it out: http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum

For us, putting her toddler bed in our room got her sleeping in her own bed soundly, and then we waited until she was 6 to move her to her own room. When she came in then, I'd get up and walk her nicely back to bed, even if she was throwing a fit (not to often at 6), and give her kisses and tuck her in and say goodnight. If she did it too often, I'd remind her that her dad got up early for work and he needed his sleep and if she woke him, NOBODY was going to be happy! He never had to "get woken up" to prove my point, she understood clearly. Anyway, just what we did, and after a few days, maybe a week or two, she stopped coming in. Some kids just need more time I guess.

We are also co sleeping with our 5 year old. I figure eventually she'll want to sleep alone! I'll be curious to read the responses here.

I had just about the same problem with my son. Very clingy. He was 4 yrs old and ended up in our bed every night. This was not a problem for me (I enjoyed co sleeping, but for my husband it was a big issue because it was hard to be intimate.) Finally my husband came up with the idea to take him to the store and let him pick out some things for his room. He ended up picking out everything "cars" A Mater night light, some posters, bedding, pillows, a shelf for his wall. Anyway, point being, he made his room "his room" a place where he wanted to go. We also put some of those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. We made it so that he wanted to be in there instead of in with us. For a few nights I would sit withi him untill he was almost asleep, but gradually it became jammies, into bed, story, and lights out. And I was out of the room. I know it is hard to hear them crying for you, but you have to be strong, and strict with it. He's now turning 5 next month, and rarely comes into our room. I sleep, and my hubby is happier. Good luck!