My 20 Month Old... - Huntersville,NC

A.,

In regards to others' advice, please remember a few things:

Discipline means teaching and learning to alter behavior. Discipline does NOT mean punishment. They are not interchangeable. "Discipline" via spanking or hitting does not equal respect for or the acquirement of new, positive behaviors or the elimination of negative behaviors; it teaches fear of being hit. It typically also teaches the thinking of,
"my parents did it to me and I turned out ok".

Talk to your pediatrician. They are there to assist with physical and behavioral issues. Do some of your own research at the library or on-line. One book I recommend is "Touchpoints" by Dr. Brazelton.

my daughter is almost 22 months and she just started the bitting thing too. I think all kids go thur it. It going to be hard to get her out of a bully stage at her age. Usally children this young are watching older kids or others kids. try to find out where she is getting it from or why. it might just be for attention. children can pick up on our stress maybe with you and your husband sitution she might be pick up the stress. you could try to get her to see she hurting others and that not nice. time out is supose to be one min for their age. so she should only have to sit for one min. I put my daughter in her crib.( we haven't made it to big girl bed) if not a crib try differnt things and you'll find what works for you. with time out also make sure she knows why she there

Some parents do not understand the purpose of spanking. It's not to hurt your child. In my family, it was the noise of a good pop on the hand and when I got older, the embarassment of being scolded in public. My mom only had to get me one good time in a store and I never acted up again. Her famous phrase was, "Don't make me embarass you in front of all these people."
Some children just don't respond to anything else. I never had the issue of biting because I was always a germaphobe when I was little. But I did hit....once. My mom popped me on the hand and the sound of it made me think twice before I did it again. My father always threatened to "get his belt". He never had to use it but those words struck a certain fear in me.
I know, in today's society, people think spanking is wrong but it worked for my parents and they knew enough not to take it too far.

A.,
I sympathize with you on this one! I am a teacher in a daycare toddler class where my own daughter is a student (she is the same age as your daughter). We see this all the time! So you are not alone! One of the things that we do at the day care is help the kids learn to say "No thank you, I dont like that" it does take time but eventually they learn to say the words and it helps. Another thing you have to is be consistant with her. Consistancy is the key to learning good behavior. When we put a child in time out, we stay very close to them so that if they do get up, we can place them streight back in the chair. We teach them how to use their hands for "nice touches" by taking their hands and showing them how to gently touch someone else (usually I will take their hand and rub my cheek with it while telling them "nice (or gentle) touches).

It can be difficult because the children have not aquired the words to say how they feel. When we put them in time out and they start kicking and hitting, I tell them "I'm sorry that you are mad, but you have to use nice touches and use your words". I know how hard this is for you and how helpless you feel with it, but you have to be consistant with whatever form of discipline you use. EVERY TIME, she hits she has to be put in time out. You have to play different with these children also, no rough houseing with them because they think that that is the way to react to other children.

Some of the reasons that toddlers act out in this way:
1. they do not know how to tell you how they feel.
2. they have older siblings that show them it is ok to be rough.
3. they are acting on things that they may have seen somewhere.

This is just to name a few. A child at this age can benefit from anger management for kids if the person helping them is experienced with toddlers.

Good luck! If I can help in any way, just send me a message.

hi berni here, it looks like your oldest needs alot of attention .with the baby and all esp. you should reward her for good behavior. mabey take time out when you put the baby down or let her stay up with you a little later than the baby to spend time with just you and her alone without the baby might help .good luck and GOD BLESS you.

True, every child is different and will respond differently, one thing not addressed in the post is that your daughter may be hitting the other child to get attention. Not sure of how much time you have for the kids, but typically a toddler/baby requires more attention than an older child.

I to am an ex-pre-school Teacher and hopefully the time-out thing will work. However, if not you may have to discipline w/a swat on the behind. Another thing that may work is allowing her to be the BIG Sister and asking her to do something for her little Sister that the younger cannot do. It makes for a great sense of accomplishment because she is a BIG Girl unlike the Baby. Good luck.

hi autum i was preschool teacher for 6 years and we have faced many children like this and your youngest is just showing out b/c of everything going on. anyway you have to stick to your guns no matter what your husband does just disregard his discipline w/ her and show her you mean buisness and when she keeps getting up keep putting her back no matter how long it takes don't give in she keeps getting up b/c she knows eventually you will give up so don't!!! children know how to work their parents and it seems to me she is working you also reward them both for good behavior. i've had alot of training and one thing that parents and teachers always do is look over the good behavior and notice only the bad but show your daughter that good behavior gets your attention too like when she plays nicely w/ her sister tell her you notice and you like what you see like saying "it makes me so happy to see you playing w/ your sister so nicely." and always use short sentences with them we tend to over explain to our children s/times and they can't comprehend all those word so next time she if fighting just say " your going to time out b/c you hit your sister and that hurts her." that is all you need to say. but like i said stick to your guns w/ time out pick a special chair or place and always put her in the same place every time that will make it work easier for her to understand and if you have to keep putting her back for 2 hours stick to it show her you are not going to give up and she will eventually stay there on her own and when it is time for her to get up tell her why she was there and tell her you need an apology and thats it it will work if you stick to it and don't give up trust me i have worked w/ many children like her and they can be disciplined w/out being spanked. okay good luck!!!! stick to it your the mom!!!!

If this is a new problem (sence the separation) she may be having a difficult time dealing with that. As adults we some times forget that things like separaton and divorce affect children more than we give them credit for. If your 20 month old can talk ask her why she is behaving in such a manor. as far as biteing when my kids started that i just stuck their own finger in their mouth and had them bite down on it and added a little pressure by pushing up on their chin, they quit bitting very quickly. kids teeth are sharper than adults and when they found out how much it hurt they quit. i also asked them if that hurt and then told them that was how it felt when thay did that to someone else. for hair pulling you can try the samt thing just don't pull as hard as she dies. ask her if she liked that when she says no then tell her that no one else does either. then of course follow with hugs and love when she has calmed down and tell her that you are sorry but you wanted her to know how what she was doing to others felt and ask her if she thinks she understands and not to do thoe thing again. as for getting the time out thing to work you may have to hold her in the time out chair untill she quits fighting you and gets the message that you are serious. and there is a difference between spanking a child and beating a child. a spaniking consists of a few swats on the backside. if all else fails you may have to try it. also let the kids know that what happens a dads has no effect or changes the rules at moms. i went through a seperation when my youngest was 3 and my oldest 5. they learned the rules at moms house are different than at dads and that they were ecpected to follow the rule no matter where they were. they are now 21 and 18 and no worse for the ware. being presistant is the key.
hope this helps. P.

A., i dont mean to sound hard or anything. but have you giving it any thought that maybe your husband maybe telling his daughter to do this to the other one? my neice and he soon to be exhusband is going thro the same thing. he is telling his 3 year old son to hit and kick and pull his little sisters hair and she is only 6 months. maybe you need to ask her has anyone told her to do this.

Unfortunately I do believe in discipline even if that means spanking. I was not sure what my limits were with my young son but after reading “Don’t’ make me count to three” I was more confident in what I was doing. I have disciplined my son since he was 16 months old. If anyone should be against discipline it should be me since I was from an abusive home so that’s why I needed to know what boundaries I had. I was also never hugged or told I was loved.

My son is so sweet but as any child they will start trying to discover their limitations. He had a problem with throwing things (not breakable items) when he disapproved of a "NO" so I would gently take the hand he did it with, get on his level and tell him he has to obey mommy and give him a gentle pop. It hurt his feelings, not his hand. He would actually feel sorry and want me to hug him. I would hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. He stopped throwing within less than two weeks. If he was misbehaving in any other way or I had to repeat myself more than twice I would pop him on his diaper which he could not feel, he merely acted emotionally upon the sound or the fact mommy was upset. He would again want a hug. I usually only have to tell my son once at the most twice and he obeys. It has made him more aware of what he is doing or about to do and any discipline I give him is just another opportunity to direct him in the proper way he should act and also to show him how proud I am of him for minding and how much I love him. If children do not know their boundaries it leaves them feeling confused, angry, and insecure. If they know what is expected of them not only does it keep them from getting in trouble so much but it keeps you from having to repeat yourself and them seeing you angry and exasperated. After a while they just do what is expected and it’s so much more peaceful.