Mommy Doesn't Always Know Best.

My dad gave me the best piece of advice when my kids were little. He said "You can spend money on your kids or time with them. If given the choice always choose to spend time with them."

Your daughter won't remember the 50 pieces of dress up clothing or the 20 bottles of nail polish. She'll remember mommy taking her to the park and sitting together reading a book. Donate 75% of the stuff and replace it with spending time with your child.

I think you can definitely give too much to a kid.
The more they have the less they appreciate it.
When she whines about her brothers not playing with her, read to her.
In our house - we established 'Drop Everything And Read (DEAR) time long before we even knew we were doing it.
Anytime you have 10 minutes to spare you can read a story to your 3 yr old.
It's great for their comprehension, they get special time with you - and that's WAY BETTER than an entire toy store in her room.

Children don't need stuff, they need love. They need time. ALL of them. Not just your daughter. If you keep up the attitude that she's your friend and your heart and the child you've been waiting for, you will create a bratty girl child and boy children who feel that they are 2nd rate, which will set up resentment all around.

At 46 years old, I remember maybe 3 toys from my childhood, and they were toys that were super special. Nothing else sticks. But the time spent with family, trips, being together, etc. THAT stuff stays with you. You and your husband need to have special time with each child individually, and with everyone as a family.

Donate toys - contact your local children's services and see if you can donate to homeless or abused kids or to your church or something like that.

What you are telling us is that she is your best friend. That's not a great idea. If you really want to do right by her and raise her to be a smart, caring, intelligent, independent person then you have to stop messing up. YOU are treating her like a peer not a child that needs you to put boundaries on her and make her mind.

She needs a mom, not a friend. You can't be both. You are not her playmate. You are her mom and you don't get to play with her all the time. You have to be her mom and stop trying to be something different.

What is confusing, A.? I'm not trying to be smart aleck. I'm asking a real question here. I have never met anyone who wonders is there such a thing as spoiling a child too much. I've certainly met people who don't realize that they are spoiling their own children, but are perfectly happy to grouse about other kids who have more than everything and act like it too. Chances are that you know some teens who think the world owes them and you think that their parents should be ashamed of themselves for allowing it. If you don't realize that this kind of teen is MADE by spoiling, open your eyes.

I'm not saying to get rid of all her toys. You don't even have to get rid of them. She IS only 3 years old. She is not supposed to be very good at cleaning her room. If your sons REALLY did this at 3, they are the exception rather than the rule. Playing a clean-up game is what a lot of parents do to help. Keeping it light helps, but you also let her know that she can't do "such and such" until her room is clean. That's not bribing her. A bribe is when you say "If you'll clean your room, I'll let you do x."

Make sure that all toys that she has grown out of are taken out (Goodwill is a nice charity to give to), and then box up a good amount of her toys and put them away. Every couple of weeks, bring out some of them and put the others away. That way she isn't overwhelmed with toys, she doesn't tire of what she has so quickly, and it's easier for her to clean them up.

It sounds to me like you think you have to keep her entertained all of the time because the boys don't want to play with her. So you play games you want to play - tea party, dress up, nail painting, what her brothers never do. She knows that. She wants to play with them because she looks up to them. They are her sibs.

Stop trying to make her play what she doesn't like. Get her a mother's morning out program so that she can play with kids her own age. She needs socialization with other kids. Stop doing everything with her. Let her work on an art project in the kitchen while you cook or clean. Don't sit with her all the time. EXPECT your sons to spend a small amount of time with her doing that they can all do together. Building blocks? Train tracks? Lincoln log building? What do your boys enjoy the most? TV shows, gameboy? Tell them that they can do that once they've spent x amount of time playing with their sister. Set a timer so that she knows when playtime with them ends too.

About the whining? You look straight at her ONCE and say "No whining. If you want to talk to me, use your big girl voice. Not a whiny baby voice." Then you ignore her until she straightens up. If you pretend she isn't talking, the only way she can get your attention is to change the way she talks to you. It may take many times for her to finally get that you mean business. The only way it will happen, though, is for YOU to be the consistent one. Every single time, do the same thing. When she asks nicely, tell her that when the clock hand goes to the 6, you two will sit down and read a book together.

You can show love without jumping when she says "how high?" You can show love by being firm with her. You had better learn to be firm with her.

I really think you need to read something about child development and parenting. Just the idea that you don't know if you can spoil a child too much tells me that you will be in over your head with this little girl if you don't figure it out. Just because you have easy boys doesn't mean that you don't need to learn more.

I love Diane's and B's responses.

Yes, there's such a thing as spoiling a child. So read and spend time with her instead of buying her "stuff", as Diane and B say.

Also, please be sure to spend equal amounts of time with your sons as well. Even if you have a preference for your daughter in your heart, you MUST pay equal attention to your kids. If you spoil your daughter with too much stuff and too much indulgence, she will become a brat, and you don't want that.

But she's only 3, don't overthink it. Just stop buying her stuff.

Dealing with public behavior is hard, but not complicated. When she acts out in public, you leave.

Sometimes it stinks for you, because it might mean leaving the grocery store with the cart half full (which means you have to go back later). Or it might mean that you just wasted that money you spend on the Science Center entrance fee, because you are leaving after an hour and you didn't even see half of it. Or it might means that you are eating your dinner cold, because you have to get your nice meal at the restaurant boxed to go instead of eating there.

But, in my experience, it only takes a few times for your child to know you are serious. And that when you say "start behaving now or we are leaving", you mean it.

It sounds like you've got lots of "girl" toys, so of course her brothers don't want to play with her. It definitely sounds like you need to downsize, look at keeping things that are more gender neutral. My 3 year old SON has a tea set (it's red and yellow, but he wouldn't care if it were pink), and likes to play tea party, at 3 they don't really care or know the difference between boy and girl toys or play, but if your sons are 5, I'd imagine they've picked up the difference at school and aren't going to be happy playing with all the stuff you've provided her. Kids need imaginative outlets, and to explore. Google for fun art projects for young kids, and do them with ALL your kiddos, make play-doh, fingerpaint, or anything that gets them together having fun with you. If your sons see her being treated the same, they just might want to include her more in their play time.

Why wouldn't you be able to donate most of it? It's your life! You can do whatever you want.

I have two kids. All toys stay in the living room. They have two sets of blocks (wooden and plastic), two baby dolls, some plastic cows and ponies, toy cars, and a big ball. Plus crayons and play doh. We read library books. We take walks around the neighborhood and ride bikes. We play at the park. We dance around the living room in our under wear. We cuddle and watch movies.

As someone else mentioned, your kids won't remember those toys years from now. But they'll remember how you treated them. They'll remember how stressed you were over "stuff".

It is time for you to get some serious parenting support. It is good that you are on here asking questions, however, it is not sufficient for what you are needing right now.

A parenting class will teach you a lot about child development, how to discipline rather than punish, how to separate your emotions from discipline, and many other extremely useful tools. Parenting with Love and Logic is a really great program and you should be able to easily find a class near you. Also, read 1-2-3 Magic. It is a fabulous book for giving you the tools you need for your little ones.

Counseling could be a really big help for you right now also. It is clear that you have some unresolved issues from your own childhood that are affecting your ability to be an effective parent. You are making your children your whole world and especially your daughter and this is not healthy for either of you. A counselor can support you in identifying the issues that you are not even aware of that are interfering with your role as mom. For example, if you didn't have a lot of toys when you were little and you associate that with a lack of love you may simply be overcompensating with your children now because you are really trying to heal your own pain.

It also sounds like you are terrified of being a "bad mom." A good counselor can support you in understanding that we are all bad moms and we are all good moms and that being gentle and kind with yourself, rather than judging yourself, will be much more effective. A counselor can also support you in defining your role more clearly and give you the tools you need to heal yourself and therefore create a space for raising healthy children as well.

Hi A.,

It seems like you have a world of love to give to your kids. And that's wonderful. That's the most important thing. And I don't get the impression you've done anything really wrong or have done any harm. But, on the basis of the posts I've read, I did want to suggest a couple of principles.

1. Three-year-olds can't clean their rooms. Every once in a while, you'll find a 3-year-old who can, but those kids are rare cleaning prodigies. This is the age when she can start LEARNING to clean her room, but you can't expect real results for years.

2. I actually wouldn't worry about how many toys she has now. How many toys she HAS won't make her spoiled. The issue is how OFTEN she gets NEW things. And that should be very infrequently. Birthdays. Major holidays. And that's it. Show your love for your daughter by playing with her. Attentively. Creatively. Make the toys she already has magic.

3. Be sure to be tuned into her interests, even if they don't fit with the girlhood you imagined for her. It could be, especially if she has older brothers, that she may go through a tomboy phase. It's fine and wonderful to be thrilled that you have a girl. But she's not just any girl. She's YOUR girl, and that makes her one in a billion. Focus on what makes her special and unique, not just girly this, girly that.

4. Children need structure. They thrive on patterns and predictability. Having the same routine, day to day, makes them feel secure. When they get out of line, they need simple, unspectacular rewards and clear, predictable consequences. Offer a piece of fruit as a reward for being good. If she acts up, put her toys on the fridge. As soon as she shapes it up, she gets her toys back. That way, she derives power and control from being GOOD. It makes being good incredibly appealing.

5. Preschoolers act out in public. They all do. When my son (who's always been well-behaved) was 3, he once lay on the floor of the supermarket cereal aisle, threw cereal boxes into the aisle, and screamed because he thought a cereal had Buzz Lightyear on the box, only it turned out it didn't. BUT, the only way they can learn to behave is to go out in public. If you don't take her places, she won't learn the norms for being in those places. And when she acts less then perfect, every mom with an older kid will catch your eye, smile, and say "I've been there." Because we all have.

6. Your daughter might benefit from a preschool program, even if it's very part-time. Her big brothers can't always be expected to play with her (though they should do so sometimes, and they should tell her no nicely). She might benefit from making friends her own age. And you'll get to be part of a whole community of "preschool moms." None of whose children are perfect ;).