MIL Being Disrespectful

Being a grandmother is a right of passage. Someday you will be a grandmother and will be able to spoil your grandchildren and be irreverent and not have to suffer the consequence as you would as a dad or a mother. Allow her to the the type of grandmother she has to be with your children. This is a special time for them and for her. Believe me when I say that it really is best to allow your children and your mother-in-law to have this special time together. She will die someday and do you really want to deny your children these special irreverent memories with their grandmother. Please don't let the specialness of their relationship dwindle because of your own need to control. There are just sometimes that you just have to let it go and let it be. This is one of them.

10 moms found this helpful

hmmm, I think you are probably hurting her feelings as much as she is hurting yours, my mother in law brings gifts for my kids all the time - even if they are not something I would choose, I was taught it is polite to say thank you.
the example you are setting for your children is to be ungrateful for things that people give you - sorry!
I would just let her give the gifts be gracious, then donate them if you don't like them.
where I come from in the uk malarky is a very low key way of saying "stuff and nonsense", it is really not very offensive.
telling her she can't come over anymore?, why?, because she is bbeing too kind? I don't think you should do that, you sound very controlling!

10 moms found this helpful

She is doing what grandmas do. They bring presents and spoil their grandchildren, that's their "job".

You should probably loosen up a bit, it's not like she's bringing them candy and junk food all of the time. And so what if that's what she was doing, it's only once a week.

You need to pick your battles and this seems like a silly battle to pick.

Let her enjoy her role as a grandma. This is how she gets her gratification. Put yourself in her shoes. If your grandkids face lit up, so big and brightly every time you brought a very small present over, wouldn't you want to keep doing it?! Give her a break.

EDIT*** OK, so you actually took the time to look up the meaning of the word malarkey, because you weren't sure of the exact meaning?! You found out it means a little differently than how most of us use it, and you are freaking out about it? I think, since you actually took the time out to look this up, is a bit weird (ok, more than a bit-just trying to be nice) and you probably have some issues with being in control and perhaps some overly sensitivity issues as well.

9 moms found this helpful

Sorry--she's a typical grandparent. She "tries to come and watch the boys once a week"? Why? You're going out & about? I guess cut out that luxury and the frequent gifts will stop too. Would this bother you as much if it was your mom?
Also, I think most people use "malarkey" to mean "nonsense" in the sense of "don't worry about it" etc. Can't believe you actually went and looked up a word to use against her in your argument!

There seems to be two camps of debate going on here:
1. Grandparents spoil--that's the norm. They won't be around forever, so let her enjoy her gift giving (It's GIFT giving! Rude to reject!)
2. Stand your ground. Make her abide by your rules. It's your house. Deny her visits if she won't comply!

C'mon people! I'm guessing that the people in the 2nd camp do not like their MILs very much and are unwilling to look at the bigger picture for the sake of a "me, MY, MEEEE!" issue.

8 moms found this helpful

I'm a 33 year old, mother of 4 ~ I'm not a grandma.

I am sorry but please relax. She is a grandma and she is just trying to make the children happy.
I hardly dought that she is ignoring what you and your husband are saying.

There are so many women on this site that have to deal with MIL's or their own mothers that will not even have anything to do with their grandchildren or even mistreat them.

So please try to understand that your MIL is just trying to please her grandchildren, I am sure she really means no harm.

This is with all do respect to you and I am not trying to upset you, these are just my thoughts.

Take care.

7 moms found this helpful

My mother would buy so much stuff for my daughter we were all stuffed out. We got into a huge fight about it because she wants to keep buying things and I've asked her to wait for special occasions. I tried to explain that if the kids get gifts all the time, it won't be special when it really needs to be special. Plus I was running out of room to store all the stuff. She ignored me so I had to be the one to change.

We made a rule in the house that when we bring a new thing into the house, an old thing has to go out. We have a big bag in the garage and when it fills up to the top with things, we take it to good will and drop it off.

Let grandma keep bringing things over but teach your kids about how other kids aren't as lucky and have no grandma who likes to bring them things. Teach them to be empathetic. Then every time your bag o stuff fills up, make a family trip to the local goodwill and donate it.

Grandma won't even remember half the stuff she's brought over so it won't be missed. It's much easier to change your own behavior rather than your mother in laws. She's already shown that she wants to do things her way, so work around her inflexibility.

7 moms found this helpful

Oh, just let her spoil them!! Are you serious? She's the grandmother, and that's her relationship with them. She should get to pick that relationship, and her role. Let her be the grandma she wants to be, she's probably been dreaming of that just the same way you've always pictured the kind of mother you'd be before having kids.

When I read this title, I was ready to do some MIL bashing, but honestly in this case I'm going to have to side with the MIL. I'd tell you malarkey too, and I say that with love. When I'm a grandma, if I want to spoil my grand babies, I'm not going to let my kids tell me I'm not allowed. I think you two need to remember that she's still the mother, the one that gave your husband life, and someone who your children couldn't exist without.

Respect your elders. You're going to want the same respect one day. It's not like she's passing out ciggs and booze. Lighten up!!

7 moms found this helpful

This seems to be a little picky to me. I can being strict with your children. Making sure your respected in your home, I totally agree here. BUT as far as her treating and gift giving......this should not be a battle worth fighting over. It seems to you that she is out of hand with this, so maybe you can start a collection of the gifts and donate them. Nothing will rub off on your children unless you let it.

I can see the comment Marlarky up set you, my dad used that like crazy. I really think that she loves your kids and they are lucky to have her. She is the special person in their lives, dont ruin that because of gifts she brings. Its kind of her job to spoil. I would suggest that you teach your children to be gracious and thank her , but make sure they do not ask for things.

Maybe lighten up a bit and see where she is coming from. You have no idea how lucky you really are that she is here and around to see her grandbabies!

good luck!

7 moms found this helpful

That's a grandparents 'job'. She is not being disrespectful!! Be thankful she lives close, is still alive and wants to come over and spend time with the kids. I think this is a pretty silly thing to be upset about. My inlaws just bought my son 3 new video games for his Xbox today. Would I buy theses for him out of the blue for no reason whatsoever - ABSOLUELTY NO WAY IN H-LL!!! Is it OK for the grandparents to want to spoil him and enjoy buying him things they know he enjoys while they are still alive and active enough to do so- YES, YOU BETCHA!!

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It doesn't sound to me that she is intentionally disrespecting you in your home...I think that is a bit over the top. She is just trying to be part of your childrens' lives and it gives her joy to bring them something every time she comes. You are all so lucky to even be able to see eachother as frequently as once a week. My grandchildren live 10 hours away. I would be grateful to see them once a MONTH!! Your fear of this "rubbing off on the kids"...they should not be involved in a conflicting conversation between the three of you. If the gifts are too many and too elaborate put them away for a rainy day or maybe save them to play with only when grandma is coming over...be gracious and let her love on your kids. The only reason to say anything would be if the movie was inappropriate for them, THAT would be easy to refuse, but not just the volume of stuff. Life is way too short to be majoring in the minors or in this case...taking Malarkey seriously! She won't be around forever.

6 moms found this helpful

She probably didn't look up the definition of malarkey before she used it and was just trying to be light hearted with you. I am a grandma and I can tell you that from my grandma perspective you sound like you are being a little over controlling. It was a video, for heavens sake! It's not overdone and it doesn't take up much room in your house. Grandparents are supposed to spoil a little - it's part of the role we play in a child's life and it's a good thing for a child to have an adult who spoils a little. It's not going to hurt your children's overall values - grandparents aren't around enough to undo your child rearing in a few hours one evening a week when the kids are young (once they are 13, grandparents have a lot less interaction with them). My answer might be different if Grandma was your sole day care provider and was overindulging the kids on a daily basis or if Grandma was showing up with large, overdone expensive presents all the time. But really, relax! As long as she keeps it to books, videos, art supplies and other mini- prizes, let her have some fun with her grandkids! Sounds like you have deeper issues going on with your MIL for this to bother you so much.

5 moms found this helpful

You need to develop a dialogue with your MIL!! I have the feeling that your general relationship with her is not a good one.
My daughter has a 32 month old son who is the light of my life....BUT she and her husband are raising their son and living their lives in a LOT different way that we did when we were raising her!! I respect their decisions ( they are a very "crunchy" family...very enviromentally aware, into recycling, natural foods, sort of like the "hippies" of my day!!!) She talked with me about why she did or didn't want her son to have certain things. (No plastic toys please...wood only... no cartoon character items , he simply does NOT watch tv except for sports!). I must admit that sometimes I too find myself thinking "malarky" when she vetoes some of my ideas ( for instance we were at the library the other day and I suggested we pick up either Lady and the Tramp or Dumbo for him to be able to watch a video and she said no because they had "sad scary parts in them"!!!
My point with this long rambling response is that you need to be able to talk with your MIL and calmly and lovingly explain your reasons for the decisions that you and your husband have made for your family. Give her alternatives of things that you would welcome into your home for your child. Don't ask her NOT to do things for her grandchildren but try to give her a little guidance. Tell her that the most important thing she can do right now is build MEMORIES for her grandchildren!!! My own mother and father were such great grandparents....my girls (all adults now) have such marvelous warm memories of time spent with Grandma!!! There were little rituals that seemed so inconsequential at the time but now that they are both gone, the memories are so precious. Root beer floats at night around the kitchen table, playing dominoes together while they enjoyed the floats.Somehow let Grandma see that the most precious thing she can give her grandchildren is her TIME!!!
I don't know how old your children are but start suggesting activities that they can do together to enjoy each other. I just don't know anything better in the entire world than being a Grandma...I wouldnt give it up for the whole world!!!!!

4 moms found this helpful

I understand that you are frustrated. But look at it this way......she won't be around forever. Fighting with her is only going to make your family unhappy. Spare yourself the pain and sadness by just letting it go.
One suggestion, why not ask her (in the nicest way possible) to bring books instead? Or art supplies?
Just keep remembering that this too shall pass.

Added after your update:
I would say something to her once, then just reinforce to your kids that "I can do it when you aren't home" isn't true and grandma doesn't make the rules.

4 moms found this helpful

Hire a baby-sitter so that MIL is only there when you're there. I personally find the "Nana says I can do it as long as you're not home" MUCH more offensive than constantly bringing a gift. That's what grandparents do - at least the good ones! But no one should be disrespecting your rules in your house, and that's a real problem, so it's time to stop relying on MIL for favors and get someone who is your employee and will follow your rules or be terminated.

Then, when Nana brings a gift, inform her (and your children) that every new toy means they have to give away another toy (or two!) to children who don't have enough. Have them pick out the toys before they can receive the gift from grandma. Maybe if Nana sees toys she's brought in the past going into the give-away pile, she'll stop bringing things over every time. Even if she doesn't, you can teach your children about charity and help curb their materialism by having them pick things out to give to needy children.

BTW, I think the accepted meaning of malarkey is "nonsense," at least colloquially. Is it a brush off? Oh yes. Does it mean she thinks your words are meaningless? I doubt it, I think she just disagrees. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

My grandmother does the same exact thing. She visits weekly and she seems to never be able to come to our home empty handed. It doesn't matter how many times we have asked. Her response is that it is her money and she can spend it how she wants. I don't even know how to respond to that! So, every week she still continues. I just make sure my kids use their manners and thank their Nana. I guess I am just grateful that their Nana visits them weekly.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

I don't want to offend you or anything, but I can't understand why you don't like her to bring them toys whenever she sees them. I love my mom and MIL to give things to my son. In Mexico we have a saying "Moms are for disciplining, and Gradmoms are for spoiling" (It doesnt transalate as well in english) but what it means is that We educate and they give them things, basically.
I understand you don't like her not listening to you, and I think that would be pretty rude, but in my opinion I really wouldnt really listen to you on that one either, I just can't see why not. Is she like that with every rule you have in the house, because if that is the case, then you do have a problem and need to put a stop to it.
I am against giving things to children just because they ask for it, but a present now and then, just because you feel like it, since like a wonderful idea to me. I give everybody presents out of the blue, mi kid, my mom, myself.
Advice: Unless she doesnt respect any rules of the house, (In which case a you cant come over anymore would be hostile but necessary) I really wouldnt worry about it.
PS. This is my point of view, I dont mean any offense, ok? Only I'm sure you may not agree. Whatever it is, Good Luck!!! =)

PS: MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT THIS IS A WAY FOR GRANDMA TO MAKE THEM HAPPY AND THAT IN NO WAY STANDS FOR HER LOVE. MY BOY KNOWS THIS, HE DOESNT ASK FOR THINGS, HE DID AT ONE POINT. BUT DOESNT ANYMORE!!! But I have to agree with you the "they can do it as long as she is not home" is blatant disrespectul to your rules, and you have to put a stop to it. I don't think you should stand for spoiling we don't either, I just don't see the gift giving as spoiling, I see it as a demonstration for love. Good Luck!!

4 moms found this helpful

Grandmas love to spoil their grandkids. When I was little, my mom's mom used to always have a "surprise" waiting for me when I went to her house. It was something little, like an activity book or a card game or a slinky. Your MIL obviously feels like she needs to bring a gift when she comes over. I totally get why you don't want her to. But, instead of telling her she can't come over, which it sounds like you don't want to do that, maybe you can reach a compromise. What would you rather her bring? See if she will quit with the toys and videos and instead bring a new book. That way you don't get the clutter of all the toys, and your kids build a library. Good luck, that's a tough one.

3 moms found this helpful

Since your MIL is so wanting to bring the kids presents, maybe suggest that instead of bringing toys that she bring books. That is what my mother does, she brings books or drawing supplies. My kids love it.
Good Luck!!

3 moms found this helpful

I would not say anything else to her. She is obviously going to keep doing it. I think part of the reason grandparents do this is they want the kids to remember them. To know they did nice things for them.
As young parents who are trying to keep a house organized its daunting. I would quietly start putting all things away in the attic. Keep some the cooler toys. They other toys that are just cluttering your house. I would drop them off at a consignment store or a thrift store or join freecycle.
Freecycle is a world group. Instead of throwing our your unwanted items you are giving them to someone who could use them. For example you use words like "Wanted" "Taken" "Offer" "Offer" 3 pairs of toddler boy shoes size 7 . Then you might get tons of responses or you might get only a couple of responses.
This will keep you house organized. My MIL did what she wanted and said want she wanted to me.

3 moms found this helpful

My inlaws spoil my daughter terribly. Everytime they see her, which is multiple times a week they have something for her. Some of the stuff I ask for it to stay at their house, or else mine would be even more cluttered then it already is. Some stuff I graciously accept.
I know my boyfriends background though, he was raised mostly by his grandmother (who also spoiled him rotten). My MIL had to go back to work when he was 6 months old, and during those 6 months she spent recovering from an emergency hysterectomy and other female problems. My FIL worked full time, and was also an alcoholic until my BF was in his late teens.
So now that my FIL has been clean and sober for a number of years, and both of them are retired, with nothing but time on their hands, AND the other grandchild they rarely get to see (they live far away), I understand why they spoil my kid. They never got to do it for him, for various reasons both selfish and unselfish, and they absolutely love her and cherish her. I don't think they ever felt they would be grandparents (my boyfriend is 37 and they are in their 70's).
I also am a little grateful for them because, well, they are my child only grandparents, both of mine passed away the year she was born. My parents will never get to give anything to my child (and my inlaws sympathize with that, and that might be a factor of their spoiling as well). But thats just my situation, and everyone's is different. I have a friend who spoils her grandbaby (she's now 6) rotten, and thats the way its going to stay. And the only reason is that she can. LOL
If it is close to a birthday or christmas, I simply ask them to wrap it up for her. If your children are allowed at her house, maybe suggest keeping the things she buys at her house. I also don't feel she probably intentionally called what you were saying "meaningless." My parents used that word very often, and while yes thats what it means, sometimes they would use "malarky" as the word "whatever," in response to something.
I understand you want rules to be followed in your house, but there could be some compromise. Like instead of buying them a toy, how about school supplies (if they are old enough), how about an outting to a children's museum or educational center, keeping what toys she does buy at her house, saving them for christmas, how about arts and crafts projects she could do with them? Best of Luck! =)

3 moms found this helpful

Unless she's using the bringing of toys as leverage with your kids for some underhanded scheme against you and your husband I really don't see how her bringing gifts is a problem. Should she have honored your request, sure I guess so, but come on, this is what every grandparent dreams of being able to do.....spoil the grandkids and then leave the parents to deal with the fallout!

If the toy is inappropriate for your child or somehow breaks a house rule by even being in the home then of course it's fine for you to either put the gift away until the child is older or decline it all together and talk to your MIL about it since it's unfair for her to bring inappropriate things and make you the bad guy that takes it away. If the toys are acceptable but you just don't want your child to have so much stuff, require that your child donate an existing toy for every new toy that comes in.

As far as her use of the word Malarkey, I doubt she meant to offend you with that word. I think she was saying that it was nonsense for a grandmother to not bring gifts for her grandchild, not that everything you have to say is nonsense.

Lastly, if it's really a problem maybe try to sit down and explain why you feel that way you do and give her an alternative list of options. Maybe instead of bringing a toy each time she can give each child a dollar for the child to save and then once a month (or every other month) she can take them shopping with their money to buy something. This will cut down on the stuff and at least they'll get a lesson in saving.

Good luck,
K.

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Please count your blessings and be thankful that your children have a grandmother who loves them.

3 moms found this helpful

Well you may need to greet her at the door and let her know she can't bring toys/videos/books into the house as per your last discussion. If she does sneak them in, you'll have to take them from your kids and return them to her. Keep doing this until you're blue in the face if you need to. Being a Grandparent is not a right! Parenting needs to be consistent and Grand-parenting needs to fit into the parenting mold. Bottom line, you decide.

Also, you may need to just have your hubby do the communicating. I know it hasn't made a huge impact before, but it is his family and his responsibility.

Best wishes!

2 moms found this helpful

I understand this problem since I've been through the same and my daughter and son are going through the same thing with their MILs too. This may sound like a drastic thing to do but you may want to try it. Try to explain to her one more time and tell her your view and why you've chosen this. You may even want to write this out for yourself just so you can have your thoughts clear and stay on point. And then simply tell her that if she brings another toy, movie, etc. in that is not permitted or not approved by you and your husband it will go directly into the garbage. The kids won't like it, but they will see first hand that you stick to your convictions. She will be shocked and dismayed but she ask for it. She really is being disrespectful although she believes she is doing something harmless. But as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. She really needs to not only give respect to you and the children but start being a true grandmother. Can't she think of anything to talk about with them or to do with them. Just love them and stop playing santa claus. Does she want them to only think of her as the person that is bringing a toy, what toy will she bring when they're asking for a car at 16? Tell her to build a relationship not a heap of meaningless toys.

2 moms found this helpful

My mom pulled stunts like that with us. The worst was when she got my youngest a gameboy when we specifically asked her not to. SHE threw a fit when we declined to agree to her mandate that we not use the toy as leverage for good behavior. We told her that once the toy was in our house it was subject to our rules. She hasn't really talked to my husband since then.

Here's what I would do...whenever the unwanted toy shows up, accept it graciously, and then put it away until such time as you'd like your children to have it. If she fusses at you, politely tell her this isn't the right time for this toy and you'll bring it out when it is. If she REALLY fusses at you, invite her to take the toy to HER house and it can live there (and limit the time your kids spend at her home). If she fusses even more, politely remind her that when in your home, she follows your rules, just as you follow her rules in her home; if she doesn't like the rules, she's welcome to not visit.

Ultimately, your husband needs to man up and get his mother to respect you and your house rules.

It's super tough to do this, but I did it with my mom. We had a huge, explosive fight about respecting me and my rules in my own home. My mom very rudely told me that if it wasn't for my sons, she wouldn't be part of my life. I pretty bluntly told her that it would be just as easy for me to walk away from her and she would not be allowed any contact with her grandsons. That stopped her dead in her tracks, since it never occurred to her that I would even consider such a thing. Ever so slowly, she started to change. The game boy incident was really the last big "disrespect" issue we had.

(BTW, my sons are now 12 and 16 and have caught on to my mom's machinations and manipulations. They're kind enough to love her for who she is, but they don't buy in to her materialistic, "buy your love with toys" mentality. It drives my mom bananas.)

I hope you and your husband come to terms on how to stop your MIL's disrespect. It's only going to get worse, if you don't. Sorry to be so negative, but I really believe that.

Good luck,
Steph :)

2 moms found this helpful

I'm thinking two things: either give her a clear ultimatum, or learn new ways to firm up your boundaries without getting drastic (since I'm guessing that your sons enjoy her visits). She sounds a bit like an honorary "uncle" of my grandson who really, really cannot help bringing toys and treats the parents do not want the child to have. But there's deep, genuine love on both sides, and it would be tragic to cut "Uncle" out of their lives.

To establish better boundaries, you might want to investigate a practical and effective process called Non-Violent Communication, which teaches a simple, 4-step method for listening and speaking compassionately, from the heart, so the discussion doesn't sweep either of you into negative emotions.

It will help you make clear and factual observations that will support your MIL's ability to hear what YOU need, without feeling attacked or overwhelmed and becoming defensive. And you can help her explore her own needs in a way that may give her new understanding about why she insists on doing things her way.

While it does take a bit of learning and practice, Non-Violent Communication is worth the effort, and can be effective even when used by only one person in a relationship. It gives you a mastery of effective communication and emotional "skills" that will serve you well in many relationships, whether personal or professional.

If this interests you, you can google the term for books, classes, summaries and examples. My husband and I have both learned these techniques and find them wonderful for understanding others, and even ourselves, better, and finding peaceful ways to resolve even sticky problems.

By the way, I spend most Fridays with my grandson, and always bring my Granny Bag, which contains materials for making art, educational stuff like maps and science experiments, and yes, the occasional toy that remains MINE (I buy toys that the kid in me still wants to play with!). But I take them home with me each time. They stay special and "new," and I rotate them regularly. Would your MIL accept such an idea?

2 moms found this helpful

I would have another talk with her. Explain that while you want her to reserve the presents for birthday and Christmas you don't mind the occassional little gifts (that's what grandparents do!); however, bringing something everytime is not acceptable to you or your husband and you will no longer allow it. Tell her that you respect her as a person, a parent, and grandparent and you expect the same from her. By disregarding you repeated requests it is clear that you are not receiving the same treatment.

1 mom found this helpful

Sometimes you just have to go there. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I was going to stand my ground to a parent figure, but like I said, sometimes you just have to.

For me it started with my dad and then next it was with my MIL & FIL. I hit that point where I felt I had to stand my ground for what I believe in. I go to work everyday, pay my bills, put food on my table, and don't ask for things from others, so why should I allow someone to walk into my home and have them let me know that I am BS. For a while my MIL would come over and pick fights with me. I would bite my tongue for the longest time and then finally say one thing and she would pounce on me AND follow up by telling my husband her one side. I finally told my husband I would not entertain her any longer. I know yours is a little different, but you have to stand up for what you believe in.

I did think for a minute while reading your post that a toy here and there isn't bad because they grow so quickly and sometimes we miss out on educational items by waiting around for the holiday.

I think you just have to let her know you don't appreciate her coming over and saying malarkey to your statement. I would do it in hubbies presence. Only because my MIL was seriously trying to send me up the river and I really don't know why. Home-wrecker by the in laws?

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I think if you can figure out exactly what about her behavior is bothering you, it will be easier to get her to understand why you want her to stop. Are the gifts she brings not appropriate for your kids? You never said what the video was. My in-laws are bad about letting my 2 year old watch cartoons that are way too mature or violent for his age. Or is she bringing expensive gifts to impress the kids? I think she would understand that you don't like feeling like you have to compete with her. Or is it just that she never shows up without some sort of present? You could just tell her that you don't want your kids to be materialistic and expect a gift every week. I agree that she blew you off, but I get the impression that there are deeper issues here, on her part & yours. I hope you can sort it out!

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You are in a hard position, your kids are lucky to have great parents teaching them the values in life. They are also lucky to have grandparents around, what I would do is the following. Take those small toys and have the kids donate them, take this opportunity to teach them that not everyone has things like this and they should share the joy. Then you don't have to hurt your MIL feelings and cause issues and you can teach your kids a great and valuable lesson. Then when the MIL asks where things are say well we are donating things once a month to charity and if she gets upset then you can just say I appreciate you thinking about them but they really value your time more than your gifts and they wanted to give to others who did not have as much as them. Maybe then she will take a hint, good luck and try and turn this into a learning experience.

1 mom found this helpful

If that's disrespectful I wish you could see what I deal with....toys should be your biggest problem in this life

Its your house your rules!!! I would say...you can't come over until you respect our rules. Consequences for her behavior just like the kids have.

When she comes bearing gifts, accept them and put them away. Eventually you'll have a major donation to some shelter. And then you can tell her that you made the donation in her name.

But really, I would say call off the visits until she does open up the talks. She is the one in violation so if there's something on her mind she needs to talk about let her intitiate it. But it's your home, your rules. And to be totally disregarded and invalidated like that is contemptible. Just tell her you're on your way out the door, every time. Step out the door, and you're free of lying to her. You don't have to stay away. Just make her think you aren't going to be home. Let her stew about it and get thinking.
Another thought would be gather up all the useless toys, sneak over to her house at night, and leave them on her doorstep. Recycled toys, etc.
It's one thing if she disagrees with some of your ideas about kids and raising them, but she should at least have the courtesy of explaining that's why she blows you off. Then it's time for mediation. Where can you find a happy medium?
Could be all the toys are her way to 'insure' the kids will love her.

To Suzhi R's post: The kids will come to expect a gift EVERY single time that she comes over they are going to expect a gift. My mom does this to my niece and nephews but with candy. EVERY time they even hear my mom in the other room, the bolt to her and first thing out of their mouth is "Where's the candy?" "Can I have gum?" and when she runs out and doesn't have time to get some more, they flip out!! They expect to have that candy and are very rude about it. Generally they are decent kids (well decent for me cause they know they can't get away with anything, unlike when my dad watches them or just with their mom).
I do like christina m. post about art supplies or books though.
Talk with your husband and see if he will back you up on this, but threaten to not let her over anymore till she gets the hint. You have to nip this in the butt.

unfortunatly I can relate my mil is the same the pus times to ask her to not do stuff n he refuses to say anything or even tell her that we as a couple is concern so I would feel good that at least your husband backs you up. secondly unfortunatly it probably won't stop and what i would start doing is maybe ask the kids to hand back the stuff when she gives it to them unless its a birthday or christmas ect. that might get her to stop but i think you may have to see around it also when she says its malakary i would ask her not to talk to you like that in front of your kids its disrespectful n your not meaning to be mean when you say to stop buying the kids stuff it just that the kids have too much. good luck!

I completely understand how you feel, but want to bring you some clarity. My mom watches my son M-F while I work and they are closer than my son and I, it breaks my heart. To top all of that she ALWAYS has gifts for him. I've asked her to stop because we have so many toys we can barely walk in our living room and also (and more embarassing to admit) it makes me feel even worse because I can't afford to get those things for him. After some time thinking, I realized that this is much better than the alternative and have just left it alone.

My sons other grandma (my MIL) hasn't seen him in almost 2 years (and only saw him three times in the other year of his life)... and she lives 20 minutes away. She let our conflict and her other grandchildren get in the way of establishing a relationship with him.

So to summarize, I don't think she meant any disrespect, sometimes the definition of words are much stronger than how we mean them. I do think you need to sit down and talk to her and come up with a compromise (keeping some of the gifts at her house, buying smaller gifts, books or clothes instead, etc). While it is annoying to be ignored (especially when it comes to decisions about your kids), sometimes its best to just consider the alternative. Also... I would keep any converstaions about this away from little prying ears. You are right... if your kids hear you ask her not to bring gifts and she does anyway, it WILL undermine you. So, until a compromise is reached its probably best to just make sure they don't know that there is a conflict or even show that it bothers you when they are around (no rolling eyes, sighing, etc. when the gifts come out).

Good luck!!!

I would have to say that I would be upset if my in-laws kept bringing over gifts for my kids after I asked them not too- repeatedly. Luckily, mine don't do that! :)We have a small house and a large family- so space fills up rather quickly. For Christmas and birthday presents, I ask for either clothing or things to do with my children(crafts and experiments). We also go through their toys at least twice a year. We just got rid of a big box yesterday. If Grandma keeps the gifts coming regardless I would let my kids know they have X amount of space for X amount of toys, and if they would rather keep the newer ones, then they have to make room by getting rid of the older ones. Also, if Grandma is bringing over movies and games that you wouldn't buy- make sure you watch them or read about them to see if they are what you want your kids to watch(ie: my in-laws brought over one of the Harry Potter movies to watch but I didn't think it was appropriate for my then 2&3 year olds to watch. They had to be in bed before the movie was turned on.)
Also, if Grandma is letting them do or get away with things that you wouldn't allow- you need to have a talk with your children about your rules and that they are to be abided by no matter who is over- even if they have to tell Grandma "no- we can't do that" sometime. Make them a little more responsible and maybe it might shame Granny into rethinking her "as long as mom's not here" attitude.
But if that keeps up- I would not have her watch my kids without me or hubbie there to make sure she isn't contradicting what we were trying to teach in our home.
Keep up the good work! It is hard to do sometimes!
~C.

WOW! You have a lot more restraint than I do if this has been going on for years! I dont think there is any avoiding telling her that if she doesnt respect you and your husband and your rules in your own house than she shouldnt come over anymore. Take a stand and put her in her place :)

i would tell her exactly what you said, you can't come over until you respect my rules. especially if you and your husband are on the same page! good luck

I completely understand. I do not want my son to have gifts every time he see's people. I too make it be for a holiday or birthday. I would explain that you do not want your kids to be materialistic or expect it. My MIL is very Materialistic and it drives me nuts. She goes to the store once a week for her son (12) (well she did, until money was an issue) she felt guilty about working. I am glad I do not have that, I feel that quality time makes up for quantity. My son is in daycare and that is a good thing. At just 2 he can say full sentences like "bike fall down and go bumpt" This he said on his birthday when we were out and a lady's bike fell over. I was so proud.

I would take the things she brings and tell her to keep them at her house. She should respect you and your husbands feelings as you are the parent.