Mom Seeking Help with Six Year Old Girl in Covington Area

Hi C.,

I know this is probably hard for all of you, not just your daughter. Please...for all your sakes, do a search for a EFT practitioner in your area by going here: http://www.emofree.com/Practitioners/referralMain.aspx

Not sure if you are in OK or KS (I live near Covington, OK) so I didn't know who to suggest.

EFT is an emotional therapy technique that can quickly and significantly help your whole family cope with the loss of your baby.

Whereas traditional therapy methods can take months or years to be effective, EFT has been proven time & time again to work in a matter of weeks (or less) to work through emotional issues.

I'm a big proponent of EFT, especially where the emotional suffering of children is involved!

For more information on EFT, please visit http://www.emofree.com or my website at http://www.sudsywudsysoap.com/eft

Thanks. I hope everything works out.

M.

C., my deepest sympathies to you and your family. My sister lost her son, Connor, at 37 weeks as well and I know the hurt is deep and lasts a long time. It's been over 5 years and he is still always on our minds.

My sister tried to do many things to help her other children through the darkest time. They had a little "ceremony" where they placed copies of her ultrasound pictures and a few pictures of Connor alone in the hospital after he was born (not sure if that was how things went for you, but they spent a day or two with him) in a little area in their backyard. They planted a lilac tree and placed a nice bench there and the kids buried pictures they drew for Connor, etc. I was not there (I had delivered my third daughter 850 miles away just days before Connor died), but my mom said they stood out there for over an hour and just shared and cried and prayed. The kids were given ample time to voice their frustrations, sadness, anger, whatever. It was a very healing time, but not the end of the road.

From there on out, my sister was very open about her own sadness and loss and encouraged the kids to be as well. I would just give your daughter some time to grieve this in her way, but you can also set healthy boundaries for her being in your home. You could even tell her that "I lost a baby, but I feel like I'm losing you as well because you are not here and I miss you."

Is there a reason she doesn't want to be home? Are there too many things to remind her of the loss. Or maybe there aren't enough things? Does your sister have any insight into what she is feeling?

In the end, after given a few weeks to grieve and be sad, she may need to see a counselor. You, also, may want to consider seeing a counselor.

Again I am so sorry for your loss - I can only pray that Connor and Matthew are now good friends in heaven. Blessings.

Dear C.,
First of all let me say how VERY sorry I am for you and your family's loss. I cannot even imagine and my prayers go out to you. I am about to start my student teaching in Early Childhood Ed and I just happened to take a class this summer over Guidance and Counseling. I really researched what is called play therapy and I feel that it is something that you might want to look into. It is really hard for children to open up about things like this sometimes. Play is a natural way for them to express their feelings and a play therapist is extensively trained to help her through this. I don't know if there is anyone near you who does this, but I seriously encourage you to look into it. I feel it is one of the best ways that children can deal with their feelings. Good luck and may God bless you all.

C.

C.,

I am so sorry for the loss to you and your family. Even though she is only 6, she is grieving the loss of a sibling. It is natural for her to be angry. But, she needs help to work through it. Counseling is a very good idea. Also, have you had the funeral yet? She needs ways to express herself and her anger and pain. Not sure how long it has been, but do you have pictures? Can she have one of them? Also, let her know that you are hurting too. You can help each other through this. There are so many things you guys can do together, put flowers on the grave, make a photo album of when you were pregnant with him, make ornaments for the christmas tree, have a special day each year on his birthday, etc. But mainly, ask her what she wants to do. Again, I highly recommend therapy so she can talk to someone that is not hurting from the loss too. Focus on spending time with her doing simple things like reading, playing games, going to the park and just giving her an opening to talk to you. But, dont forget your other one, the 3 year old may suprise you and show signs of grieving also.

Good luck and God Bless. You are in my prayers.

C.,
I am so sorry that you lost your son Matthew. I lost my daughter Emma when she was 7 months old. My oldest daughter was 3 at the time, so not as old as yours. It has never been too hard for her to grieve the death of her sister, but perhaps it was because she was younger. I never pushed her to talk to me about it though. I would wait until I felt like she was expressing feelings over the loss and then prompt her with gentle questions. In those first few months, it was sometimes just in the stories she'd play that I would see her feelings expressed.
Do you think that you daughter is scared of dying too? I know that now that my daughter is older (she is 5 1/2 now) she has dealt with more issues of fear, and that was hard for me to know how to comfort her in that. She is doing better now, but we would often talk through some of her fears. I think that if your daughter is not wanting to talk though, that I'm not sure what to do about that. I have heard of grief groups for children, but I do not know if there are any in the area, but you might check into that. Does your husband have any better luck talking with her? Perhaps she is scared to talk to you because she doesn't want to upset you. My daughter often expresses feelings of not wanting to do something that she knows might make me cry.
I'm not sure that I have any good advice in this situation, but I did want to share with you since I have gone through the loss of a child too. There are some books out there about how to help children deal with loss, I can't think of the names off the top of my head, but if you need some ideas, email me and I will see if I can find them. I am sending prayers as well. I pray that she will be able to process her grief, and I also pray for comfort for you and your husband (and your 3 year old).
M.

Please do not tell your child that God needed Matthew. First of all that is a flat out lie and will make your child upset at God. This untruth doesn't make sense to an adult much less to a child. Let her know that as sad as it is to lose someone you both loved you still love her and time will heal her. That doesn't mean she has to forget him in her heart. Spend as much time with her keeping her mind off of it and when she is ready to talk she will turn to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your family's loss. My 4th daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks on 4/23/2008. My kids are 10,6,and 5. Feel free to email me anytime. I have so many resources that have helped us, I don't even know where to begin. I live in AR so, I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I would love to talk with you.
A.
____@____.com

I am so sorry you had to go through this. If this had ever happened to me I know my 5 year old would be just as devistated (she loves babies especially her brother and sisters). This is probably her way of greiving. Maybe have your sister talk with her about it since she feels the best at her house. She will eventually come back to talk to you. I woul djust give her a little space this is probably as difficult for her to understand as it was for you.

Hello C.,

Please, please, please get your daughter some professional counseling! My husband in a mental health counselor and his advice is to get her into counseling ASAP if not sooner. She needs to work through her grief and fear and if she is not talking to you or your husband then she is most likely repressing. She needs to get it out and work through it so she can lead a healthy life.

Tell her the truth! Do not lie to her at all. Do not tell her he is sleeping, that will only scare her. My daughter is 8 now, when she was four we lost my son who was 4 months and 2 days due to a bassinet collasping at a home daycare.

I am so sorry i have lost my whole family in the last 3 years and I can only say keep talking hold her be patient with her and yourself find a support group I had a friend who had the same thing happen I was there for the delivery I feel for you very much You must take care of yourself and find a good counselor I know of one if you are in the tulsa area

Sorry about your loss, some times it helps to tell her that God needed the baby to be with him more than you folks needed the baby and the baby is in a better place with God also if you belong to a church I sure your Pastor can help you Good luck and God bless your whole family

Yes, if you are of a faith, please do get your child to speak with a pastor. Or perhaps a close family friend..?
My best friend's son was going through some stuff and woudln't open up to her but would to me, and then with us both, eventually. And a Chrsitian counselor might be great.
(If you are Christian--I am, so that's my first thought.)
<<<Others: Let us not scold and finger wag when someone is hurting. I believe compassion is in order.>>>
C., I know I am joined by the others in saying how deeply sorry we are for your loss. I know the hardest part is trying to help your daughter grieve when you yourself need to grieve, as well. What about you guys seeing a counselor both together and separate?? (She could be thinking she might die, too...?? You just never know what is going through their precious little minds...)
Praying for you and yours,
Hs

I pray for your strength, dear; for even though your daughter (bless her little heart) is grieving, you are, too. I didn't write to give any advice; I simply wrote to say I'm so sorry for your loss, and you be encouraged. I know that is easier said than done, but with God all things are possible. Press on, love.

So sorry about the loss of your baby. I hope you are doing OK and have lots of support. As for your six year old daughter, I would consult her pediatrician first, and then seek counseling. She sounds very upset and may need professional help dealing with the loss.

C.,
God bless you and your family. Last year when wemissed carried my daughter was almost 5. We were not that far along but she had seen the ultrsound and heard the heart beat. We let her know that sometimes little babies are not ready to come into this big world and left it at that. About a week later she told us that Jesus just needed a new baby to be with him in heaven, Mind you we never put this thought into her head. We then took the time to explain to her that her aunt also a a baby in heaven. Each child is diffenrent on how they deal with grief. MY child had already learned young about death when one of my husbands good friends was killed overseas. If your daughter right now needs to be with your sister take the time for yourself to find a renewing energy to help your daughter through this. God speed-J.

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby. As a Child Dev. Specialist and Licensed Professional Counselor, I've worked with many children over the years that have had this kind of tragedy happen in their families. Your 6-year-old is at the age where she is personalizing death and realizing that mom, dad and she too will die someday. She is probably quite fearful that if you couldn't prevent this with the baby, how could you keep her safe? This is how many children her age think. So, first, I'd reassure her that you plan to live a long, long, long, long time and she likely will to. Repeat "long, long, long time" or "live to be very, very, very old" to give her a sense of it being far off in the future. Use the word "Plan" because you can't promise. Tell her what happened to Matthew, only happens to babies inside their mommy's, so she is safe. Also, as sad as you likely are right now, try to have fun with your living children. They need it and you will benefit from it too. It is likely just a lot happier at your sister's home and she is gravitating toward that. Don't try to force her to talk about it. Just let her know that any feelings she is having about it are normal and you are there for her if she does want to talk about it. You could get a book about death written for this age. They are available at all of the major book stores. Just pick one that you think will fit your situation best. Give yourself some time to grieve this very significant loss. God bless all of you.

Ask your peditrician for the name of a good "child" psychologist. Your child has come face to face with death, and is not so sure how to handle it -- I'm not so sure I would be able to either.

How are you doing? Is some of your sorrow being addressed?

I'm sorry for your loss. I believe people think childbirth, etc is so easy and every baby is born alive, well, cute, and wonderful -- I work in a hospital and it's just not so! I grieve for the parents too....

God Bless You and your family,
M.