Mom Seeking Help with Potty Training

What worked for me was to just put big boy underwear on my son. I knew he knew how to use the potty, he just thought he had better things to do at times than use it. I took a weekend and had him wear underwear. He had a couple of accidents, but he couldn't stand having pee run down his legs and soak his pants. By Monday he stopped having accidents.

I'm in a similar situation with my daughter who will be 4 in April. She will wear panties on days she goes to school and stays dry for the half day she is there (a couple of accidents after the 3 weeks we had off over the holidays).

I would love to not have any more poopy diapers to change. My daughter needs diapers at night and when (if) she naps, so I can't just get rid of them. She has decided of late to wear panties a couple of times when it wasn't a school day, yeah!!!

I have no advice, but be patient. My 16 month old son is starting to mimic potty behavior. He loves to sit on the little potty while I'm on the big potty. He asks for tissue and gets one square and wipes himself, even though he is fully clothed. I have sat him on the potty one time without pants/diaper and he didn't really know what to do with it.

Who know, he may be trained before my daughter.... Time will tell. It is very frustrating and I too am at a loss.

Good luck and if you find out what works, let me know.
D.

Unless there is an issue that you aren't mentioning like he has trouble knowing when he needs to go...I say time to put some boundries down. We had to with our son. Time to tell him you won't deal with it anymore.

He needs to use the potty and if he doesn't he needs to suffer the consequences of not using the potty. (I would do this only for daytime. ) If he makes it all day perhaps he gets a small reward (like an extra story at bedtime or maybe gets to watch a dvd he likes or something.) But he has to learn to do this habitually so nothing major. Also if he doesn't there should be consequences. With our kids it was "No stories"..which is a big deal to them. Going to bed right after supper like a smaller kid is not my kids idea of fun..so when they get incorrigible we go back to that. Behavior usually dissapates quickly. Barring any health issues he needs to do this and you need to tell him he has too. Tell him you are proud when he stays dry, and sad when he doesn't..use words he will understand the meaning of and make it clear that you find this unacceptable and gross. Also make him change his own pants...if you can. Don't give him that attention. Simply help him find clean gear to put on...if he won't do it and you can, leave him where he is (preferably safe in his room ) And tell him when he is ready to act like the big boy he is..he can come out and if he needs help dressing, you can offer to help after he has his underwear on or something. But he needs to do this and do it himself. Make sure no liquids at least an hour and a half before bed..also take all soda and even juice away. Give him water and milk..and tell him when he starts going potty like a big boy he can have the other again. Its simply a control issue with kids this age..and an attention issue..as his little brother gets more attention because of diaper changes. SO, put your foot down, and this will stop I think.

A.-

My daughter decided she was done one day, too. She has one of those stubborn personalities that paints her into corners all the time and NO AMOUNT OF BRIBERY or EMBARRASSMENT will change her mind once it is set.How can such small people have such big opinions?!?!

Here's what we did and it took less than a day and a half:

(Please note that we were absolutly certain she was totally capable. I would never have been so strict if I had had any doubts.)

First we talked to her about how we knew she was capable and that big girls made big girl choices and that was how things would work. We told her she was limited to 2 underwear a day. Once she had 'used up' her two that was it. And, if she used up her 'daily supply' then she obviously couldn't leave the house or have friends over. She said, "okay," and on day one went through 2 underwear fairly quickly. She was fine having nothing else on until we were scheduled to go out with friends to the zoo. Not so happy when I had to call and cancel our playdate. And then when we couldn't go to kindermusik in the afternoon... The next morning she went through one pair and I gently reminded her that we only had one more pair and that her best friend was scheduled to come for a playdate. Amazingly she made it through that day and every day after completely, and happily potty trained.

There was no need to use an angry/frustrated voice; natural consequences did all the talking for me.

Make certain that you have many fun and exciting things planned, that you can blow off, if you decide to do this. The more immediate the consequences the faster the results.
AND make certain you won't 'need' to leave the house. Once you make an exception to the rule they know there's always room for exceptions.

Good luck.

My kids didn't have this issue, but my niece did. It was a conscience decision on her part not to use the toilet. And it was an attention getter. You have a 2 yr old and this could be your elder son's attempt for your attention to him.
But first, have you discussed this with your pediatrician? Could he have a problem with nerve development in this region? Where he doesn't feel a full bladder or the need for a bowel movement? Check this out, just to be sure.

With that said, consequences need to happen. With Sarah (my niece), she wasn't able to go her friends' homes to play or to spend the night. (She kept this up until she was 6 yrs old.) She had to go to school in pull-ups because she couldn't be trusted. Shopping trips were short ones. She also had a night time issue. It was so much easier just to wet herself than to take the time to go to the bathroom. She had to help with the laundry, stripping her bed, etc. Her parents tried all sorts of rewards when she had dry days, but it wasn't until there were negative consequences and she had to tell her friends why she couldn't go somewhere that she decided it wasn't worth it any longer.
4 is old enough to know right from wrong when it comes to this issue. The consequences should be punitive. It will also reinforce what good behaviors will allow one to do, expecially for your 2 yr old. When your son acts like a baby he can only do baby things. Big boys get to do big boy things.

Hi Ammy,

Nothing is wrong with you - or your son. Some kids just take longer than others. My son showed interest at 3, then out of the blue refused to use the potty chair or toilet. Just as suddenly, he started to use the big toilet. I think the turning point for him was starting pre-K and being around all the other kids.

Pushing too hard will just cause you headache. My husband is a pusher and to rebel and show his anger at Daddy, my son pees on the bathroom floor.

Reward stickers did help to get the ball rolling. At the end of the month, if every day had at least 2 stickers, he got to choose a fast food place for lunch on the last Saturday of the month.

Remember that you won't be sending your son to college in diapers. He'll eventually get it.

There is a book called "Toilet Training IN Less Than A Day", by Nathan Azrin. He is a psychologist who worked with institutionalized severely developmentally delayed patients. His methods were successful. When he learned how much difficulty people have toilet training their young children, he adjusted his method, and tested it. I used his book with both of my children (now 21 and 18) and it worked. My son was 2 1/2, and my daughter slightly younger. It took about 6-8 dedicated hours, and they were trained. No trauma. There were occasional accidents, but quite infrequent. Night-time dryness came later, when they were ready. An early chapter helps you gauge whether your child is developmentally ready. I hope this helps. M.

Hi A.: My son was 4 1/2 before he was potty trained! I too tried all the tricks & felt like a failure. I especially got a lot of grief from his grandparents. My son is a very strong-willed kid and is very independent. One day, he just decided he was done with diapers...we had 1 accident (with a babysitter) & then NEVER AGAIN! He still wears "Underjams" at night for the occasional accident, but he basically trained himself. I truly believe that some kids need to do it on their own terms, at their own time. Do not let anyone make you feel bad! You sound like a great Mom who is doing the very best for her kids! I wish you luck!

E.

Hi A.,

I also had this problem with my son. He was almost 4 when he finally decided he was ready to be a "big boy". For him, it seemed to be a competition-type thing with his "best friend" in daycare. Plus, he seemed to inherit stubbornness genes from both sides of the family, and seemed to get a double dose! Fortunately, he also got an extra helping of goofy genes, so they seem to balance each other out.So here's what we did. We finally decided that since pushing him wasn't working, we put the onus on him to make the CHOICE since there's no "making" this kid do anything he's not ready to do. He just digs his heels in deeper and becomes more determined if we attempt to force him into something he doesn't want to do. Not that I don't try, mind you. I've got the stubborn gene too.

We made a clear distinction between being a "big boy" and being a "baby" explaining that along with making the choice to be a big boy (which was up to him) came some pretty cool perks. We explained that babies aren't able to play with certain types of toys, participate in certain types of activities, etc. Conversely, big boys get some extra privileges that babies do not get such as helping dad in the garage, helping both mom and dad to cook, eating at the table without a baby seat, etc. We tried not to pressure him too much, but attempted to instill in him a desire to make this grand leap into big boyhood. We got him a really cool toy but told him that since it was a big boy toy, he had to earn it by becoming a big boy. We also got him some really cool big boy underwear with his favorite characters and asked him daily if he was ready to make the choice, showing him his cool new underwear. If he chose not to, that was OK, no big deal. We just asked again the next day. It took a short while for him to make the choice, but once he realized the benefits of doing so, he was done with his Pullups and hasn't looked back. By the way, Grandma was actually the one who got him to wear the underwear in the first place. If you've got one of those handy, they're a tremendous resource!

Good luck and hang in there. You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you or your kid. He'll get it. I understand the frustration entirely, but you're almost there.

~ S. M.

First of all, nothing is wrong with you. your family and friends need to mind their own business. All kids train at different times and in their own way. You can not force your child to train. It has to be his decision. My son just turned 4 at the end of December and he is just now fully out of pull ups. He still has accidents at school because he won't stop playing to go, but he will get there. If you can have your son hang around other potty trained boys his age that might help. Talk about using the potty and encourage them to do it together. What helped a friend of mine with her 4 1/2 year old son was to spend a weekend with some friends who have a couple older sons. He saw them going to the potty and not wearing pull ups and all of a sudden he was done with the pull ups. Every kid is different and this is not something you can make them do. They have to want to do it. Just remember that their aren't college students running around in pull ups or diapers so he will get in his own time. Be patient and don't push too much or he may just rebel. Good Luck!~

I really do not have much advice. except to say if I was in your shoes I would be frusterated as well. Just know that you are not alone and that it is ok to be frusterated. Just a thought though does he wear underwear or pull-ups because I heard from working in day care and such that those feel so much like a diaper they just go and don't care. If he does a thought is to try underwear and if you want I am pretty sure you can buy the good old rubber pants in the store if you do not want him just being wet everywhere. After he sits in that he might decide to go on the potty like a big boy. Just a thought. Does he seem like he is having trouble holding it or just not caring. I would say if it seems like he cannot hold it to talk to you the doc. If he is just busy playing then he just does'nt care. Well anyway good luck!

for whatever reason your son has decided he doesn't want to go potty. how is does that reflect on you? it doesn't! you did what you could, but it has been his decision to turn pottying into a power struggle. the only thing you can do is figure out why. does he see the extra attention his brother gets from diaper changes? has there been a change in his schedule? was it his choice to potty train in the first place? preschoolers are funny creatures and react in weird ways to things. the only thing we can do is help them adjust, lead by example, and hope for the best. thus, my advice is not to turn this into a battle, that could make the situation worse. just breathe, and realize that you aren't doing anything wrong at all! give him a break and some space and try again later.
honestly, ignore any looks you get from your friends and family. is there is a chance you're projecting what you're feeling onto them? if they're giving you judgemental looks, that's their problem for judging someone in the first place, not yours. if they talk to you about it, kindly point out to them that you appreciate their concern but you are handling it in the way you feel is best (regardless of what way you decide to handle it).
best of luck!

My son who was dry through the night until after breakfast when he was 12 month but showed no interest in potty training, even though his little sister who was 2 years younger was interested, wore a diaper until he was 4.

The 4 year old preschool teacher said she wouldn't take children who weren't potty trained within his hearing, not singling him out, but loud enough for him to hear.

He was potty trained in a day. Amazing. It was effortless for me.

His sister did the same thing when she trained herself in 3 days during a vacation trip. Awkward for us, in the sense we were always visiting restrooms, but she didn't care.

My point being, when your son wants to be trained it will take one day. Otherwise, it sounds like you will be swimming upstream (pun not intended).

He sounds like a wonderfully independent individual-think of the places he will go.

My experience is they are ready when they are ready. You can't force it.

We trained my son (now 3 1/2) by letting him go pants-less in the house. I know this seems weird, but it worked for us. He wouldn't poop/pee just anywhere, so if he needed to pee, he would go into the bathroom (we did have a couple of pee accidents, but not many). If he needed to poop, he would ask for a diaper. I would help him sit on the potty and he would get a small inexpensive gift after he went. The gift thing lasted about 2 weeks and we moved to a sticker chart.

I told my friend about it and she let her son train naked and it worked for her too. We did this last summer, so the weather was a little better for training naked.

One last thing. If your son likes yogurt or keifer, try giving it to him at the same time each day. We always give my son a container of yogurt as a snack before bed. Make sure it has good cultures in it (we like Brown Cow Organic). I think it helps him be regular and he seems to poop at the same time each day, which helps with training.

Good luck,
K.

This might not be the most popular advise but it's how I did it. My son was almost three and showed no signs of wanting to train. We had a little chair and put him on it at the obvious times, sometimes he'd go sometimes he wouldn't but he'd scream in the process, prompting me to buy a reducer (the little seat that fits on the big seat). Every once in a while he'd get a diaper rash and I'd let him run around naked for some air and if I didn't potty him regularly he'd just let it go wherever. One day while he was thusly naked he asked for a diaper, I put one on him and he went potty. I realized that he was finally aware of his need to potty and just kept him naked for a few days and he's had two or three accidents in the last
1 1/2 years but those are associated with his seizures.

My daughter started showing an interest in training at
1 1/2 so I casually introduced her but we didn't push her (I'm of the philosophy that they will learn in time and I didn't want it to become a horrible experience for either of us). She turns three in April and got to a point where some days she would not have any accidents and some days she would. We just had a baby in October and know that a lot of children regress when a baby comes so I didn't stress on teaching while I was pregnant. After the baby came she did regress, basically gave up and started treating her pull ups like diapers. So her dad and I, knowing that she has the ability to know when to go, just stopped putting her in pull ups, and started asking if she needs to go and/ or putting her on the potty every couple hours. This is how long it's taken. Probably a week ago we stopped the daytime pull ups. She had a couple days of naked (wearing shirt and socks) with pull ups at night then we started putting cloth undies on for a day or two with maybe one or two pee accidents, then cloth undies and easy to pull on and off pants with a few" I tried to make it to the potty but didn't" accidents now she is going without reminder and sleeping with undies on. She hasn't had any accidents for the last two days.

Good luck Mama,
R.

Please don't feel like a failure!! My son was 4 before he decided to even try to potty train. I felt like a failure too, but pushing them to do it just makes things worse. We tried to potty train him when he turned 3 and he never did it! I lost a lot of sleep over this and had a lot of tears and frustration! My son will be 5 in March and I still have him in a Pull Up at night (he probably doesn't need them, but I'm not brave enough to try without yet). I also have a 2 year old girl that is not showing interest quite yet. Every now then she will want to sit on the potty. She doesn't do anything though. I figured one of these days she will. So far, I think potty training has been the worst part of parenting!! Keep your chin up, it will happen. Good luck! Also, pray for patience.

Sometimes we make life too hard for ourselves, dear heart. Take the pressure off yourself --- be sure that Brett knows ''' oh, dear I WOULD have liked to ( you fill in the blank--- some little luxery that he really likes --- going for ice cream or a movie or -- that new lego set he craves) --- but I need to buy another big box of pampers --they're SO expensive -- -when you feel like using your big boy pants again- we can do that ( whatever that desired thing is)-- you be sure and tell me when you're ready, ok?""" --- that worked 23 years ago like a CHARM --- and the real key is '''make it easy on yourself''' and ''keep the consequences in HIS life - not yours''' --- I promise- he will not go to 2nd grade in pull-ups--- promise. Sometimes the more WE care the less little children do.

Blessings,
J.
aka - old Mom

There is nothing wrong with you! You need to let go of your anger and frustration. Your child has made a decision that has nothing to do with you.

My daughter did the same thing. It drove me nuts. I tried so hard and got so frustrated that I became a mom I didn't want to be. Sometimes I didn't even like my daughter, and there was definitely something wrong with that. When I finally realized I had to let it go, things improved - with me. She didn't magically become potty trained. But it ceased to be an issue between us. She did eventually decide to use the potty, and it didn't require any effort from me. She was old enough, that when she decided to do it, it was done.

Good luck, and please don't let other people put you down. Every child is different and none of them have been Brett's mom.

There is nothing wrong with you. It is known in the mothering community at large that boys are especially touchy about potty training. Try to not give him any attention about it unless he is going to the potty successfully. Try to back away from it for a little bit and he should come around again. Praise the younger sibling for trying and hope that the older one wants the positive attention for doing good too. But try try not to ever scold him about it.
A mom once gave me advice when my oldest boy was your sons age that she let it go of the battle when it got too difficult emotionally for the child (defiance and the like), but she put her foot down when he turned 4. I did that very thing and it was hard for 2-3 months after he turned 4, but then all is good ever since. Maybe try telling him you can't have any daytime diapers after a certain age. That way it's out of your control and you'll just have to try and support him when that time comes. He has some "freedom" until then.
You'll get through this. It is hard, and you're not the only mom having this problem with potty training... it's more common than you'd think. Nobody wants to talk about it because it's really difficult on the parents.
Tell family that bug you about it that you're doing the best you can and that things are going to improve soon.
Good luck!!!