Mom-in-law Is Trying to Ruin My Marriage

My MIL hated me for 5 years. No kidding. Regardless of what I tried to do to endear myself to her, she was never happy. My husband finally confronted her and his father. She threw herself in the floor. NO KIDDING!! Wailing and blaming me for everything. We went through 6 months of silence where she did not even see the children for Christmas. It was terrible... but we all survived. What changed? First, we prayed a lot! "God if you do not want to change here, then change me." And, we had friends praying too. Then, we read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Great book. Learned lots, especially my husband. His eyes were really opened. (Another great book is The Mom Factor.) Last, I wrote Dr. Phil, never expecting to be invited to the show but when we were invited, the producer said that my inlaws had to come too. My husband called them. (We had not spoken in 6 months.) They refused but two weeks later, I felt like God wanted us to invite them over for dinner. We did and they both apologized to me for everything unprompted. Our relationship is completely changed now. I am not sure what it was that made the difference but I think it was probably the combination of everything. There is hope for you too. {{{Hugs}}}

2 moms found this helpful

I don't think she is trying to ruin your marriage; it is hard for her to let go because she has been the mother of these children. However, the confusion is not good for your young marriage or the children. And even with this, how you handle this adversity should be an example for the children to follow in the future when dealing with theirs. Your husband is the one that needs to handle this, it is his mother and he should maintain the peace in his household. She is striving for a place in this new relationship; work with her in love (change is difficult for the best of us). It is clear that you have issues as well because your being left out is your choice - you don't have to be in her conversations to be involved. Your anger will lead to wrong choices if you guys don't deal with this. What is there to fear? Are you doing something wrong? If you stand up for right, though someone's feelings may be hurt, things will work out for the best in the long term. Right isn't always easy, but it is always best. You and your husband need to get on one accord and make your decision out of love,not anger. Then call you immediate family, your children, together and discuss it. Then talk to his mother, one-on-one to avoid embarassment or distraction. Let her know all her love, time and work has been deeply appreciated. Tell her what decision the two of you have made and stand together on that decision. If it is made out of love, it will work out. If you and your husband are not on one accord, just pray, because you have bigger problems than this.

1 mom found this helpful

well to stop all the business in your household i would let go of baby sitting an just focus on all the children who need all of your husbands an your attention. as for mother i would take full control of the situation the children would only come an go with her when its good for you an your husband you must set guidelines in your household so you an your hubby always have the upper hand in everything an what you 2 deside never ever waver stand your ground for all of the children an let the older ones no what is going on it will work. i hope this helps somewhat everything has to change for the better. go for it. wwjd kindly, D.M.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi B., I know exactly what you are going through because I too have a controlling and manipulative mother-in-law. What helped my family is telling my husband how I felt and what I would not allow anymore. He in turn told his Mom that what she was doing was upsetting me and not what we, as a family wanted. He told her that if she wouldn't comply and stop making a mess of things, that she would not be able to see the children at all. It took a while, but she started to come around the bit.Also, you may have to tell her what you will not allow her to do with the children, and what it's doing to your family. My mother-in-law was good for lots of things, and clearly loves the children. When she overstepped her bounds I told her, and distanced us from her. She realized that I would stand up to her, and didn't need my husband to fight for our wishes all the time. I really doubt his family will call DHS on you guys, because I'm thinking that would be the last straw for your husband. Don't let those empty threats bother you, they first have to have proof. I would still go to family functions, although it's hard when you're being ignored. Going to the functions is good for the children, especially the 3 that are not his, to continually feel included and bond with other family members. Try to smile through it all, and keep giving your best. Maybe you and your husband can use little cues that can let him know when you've had enough and it may be time for him to show his face, or for you all to just leave. Sometimes just the sight of my husband, or him givng some family banter would keep her on her best behavior. And if you guys stay at the function for just a short time, there's no harm in that. I know this is rather lengthy, but I know what you're going through. I hope I've been helpful. With all that you have going on, the last thing you need is mess from your mother-in-law. Take care.

You are definitely in a tough situation. Your mil was the "parent" as you said for a long time and now she should realize that someone else has taken that role. I think that it is up to your husband to put his foot down. When you get married, you cleave to your wife and not your parents anymore. He needs to be firm, but loving. Maybe all 3 of you could come to some sort of agreement with the visiting and such. I really wish you luck and hope that you get this resolved soon. Kudos to you for being a mom to your stepkids as well.

I think it is important for your husband to take a stand. You should talk to them together and express to them that we think it is important and what's best for the children, their adjustment to the new marriage and each other, to develop a routine and a familiarity with their new family life which includes ALL the family.

I can see why gma thinks she rules the rooste given the control it appears she had before the marriage, and it would certainly be tough for anyone to have limited exposure to the darling children they've spent so much time with. I wonder if maybe the kids feel a void also? You might consider whether it would help gma's attitude and also be good for the kids to schedule a weekly (or whatever you're comfortable with) time to have special gma time. I.e., every Friday after school or Sunday after church for a specified number of hours. You could also let her know that you're not opposed to other times (I'm assuming you're not), but that the world cannot revolve around her and that she will need to have enough respect for you and your husband and the kids to be courteous enough to check in first.

The DHS aspect is particularly concerning. I would disagree w/ the mom who said to make a preemptive call to DHS. Unless there is actually a concern, it is never a good idea to have the government involved in our family life when there is not a good reason like a child who is in danger. (Do you have dealings w/ them anyway b/c of the inhome child care? You may want to consider whether you should for that reason, I'm not sure how many children you must care for before DHS requires licensing, but if I were you I would read up and take care of anything of that nature now, b4 your mil introduces DHS.) Unless you are worried about the safety of the children when they're with mil (in which case you should ban all access), DHS is not the way to go. I would take some basic precautions like removing mil from list of authorized persons to pick kids up from school, get medical information etc., and this may sound silly, but if you come to an agreement about regular gma time, put it in writing. Not to commit or obligate you to provide her with time, but to set out the paramaters. It sounds like there is ample justification based on her behavior, and there is no shame in stating it, and having her agree to abide by your terms when spending time with the kids. i.e. I will bring the children home by 5pm, will not give them ___ food, or whatever your major issues of concern are. Good Luck!

Oh B. I do so feel your pain my dear...

I married a wonderful man 8 years ago this June... unfortunately I also married his Mother and Father... both of them think that they should STILL be able to tell their children what to do and how to raise their kids... they have absolutely no regard what so ever for our wishes... both myself and my nephew have food allergies... and neither one of them pay any attention to the fact that consuming these certain food cause serious problems for both of us... they have even gone as far to say, "It's your problem why should we suffer for it?" We have asked them not to bring chocolate or other "sweets" to our children but they do not listen and bring them anyway and tell us that they should be able to give THEIR grand kids what ever they want... needless to say it has caused many many many, arguments... the mother in law tried successfully for 2 years to keep myself and my sister-in-law separated... we were lied to over and over again and both me and Jen, though the other hated each other... we soon figured out that our mother-in-law had been lying to us... because of her actions my husband and I missed out on the first two years of our beautiful niece's life... we are quite involved with her and her baby brother now...

now what can you do? honestly? not much... if she does call DHS be prepared for an inquiry... and if she is making threats, call the police... have a VPO placed against her... she does NOT have the right to just come and pick up your kids... it's called kidnapping... and if she goes to school and picks them up without your permission, have her arrested... I know that sounds harsh, but she is not their parent... she is their grandparent... she has no rights to the children... unless her son passes away and they are the only part of him left, then she would have a few rights but since this isn't the case, she needs to back off...

She is treating you this way so you will back down and give in to her... DO NOT DO IT! Stand up to her... it sounds like no one has ever done this to her and she is just acting like a 2 year old to get her way... in the end she may respect you for standing up to her and being a good parent...

tell her that you are trying to establish a routine with the kids and that her just showing up when ever unannounced is just unacceptable and it disrupts the routine you have with the kids... it also interferes with your home daycare and that in itself is unsafe... if she still continues to do this, make it perfectly clear to her that she will be completely cut off from the kids until she can get her act straightened up...

it boils down to you standing your ground and being the best parent you can be and not letting her run your life... Tell her, "You raised your kids, let me raise mine. If I need your help I will ask for it."

Don't be rude, but be firm! You can do it! I have faith in you!

Hopefully your husband has told her the same things and she knows that BOTH of you feel this way... if he hasn't said anything to her then she may feel this is completely one sided and doesn't have to listen to you since HE is HER son and you are just someone he married... Sucks that they think like this but that is how it is... specially with my in-laws... of course since we had a girl, we aren't harassed as much as his brother is... his brother had the "male heir" and little Will is the only child that matters when everyone gets together... they have three grandchildren and they ignore the girls... my sister-in-law and I both absolutely LOATHE our in-laws... they are the biggest bigots on the planet and we don't want them rubbing off on our kids... so, once again, I feel your pain... and I hope I have been able to help you a little... feel free to email me if you'd like...

ok with that said, my little one has left me some "presents"... the aroma has drifted over here and I must go "exchange" the gifts she left me for something more pleasant lol...

Good luck!

H. K
Yukon
Mamma to JDBug, 6 month old baby girl

maybe you should call her and call a truce ask her to lunch and tell her that you aren't trying to tep on her toes that you inderstand that this is all new but you feel out of control and ask her is there a happy medium for all of you instead of you and her reacting seperately act together to get one decision... i have had to swallow my pride more than once about my child... sometimes you just have to realize that there is more at stake than just your pride

This is a sticky situation. I think your husband needs to let her know how much he appreciates everything she did for him and the kids prior to your marriage and that he still wants her to be included in your lives. She needs to still feel valued and needed, but also needs to respect you and your marriage. But, he needs to be the one to let her know. Also, it would really help if he shows how much he respects you in front of her, so she sees how much he values you. But the bottom line is, This is yours and your husbands family and she needs to respect that. Possibly a few counseling sessions on how best for everyone to adapt to the new situation (include her) would well serve everyone. And, if she ever did call DHS, the positive efforts made by you and your husband would be seen as very credible. No one can take your kids away if they are well taken care of and they are happy well adjusted kids. A little counseling can go a long way to prevent future problems and clear up misunderstandings and lousy communication. It also can help establish boundaries in a positive way. Best of luck.

B.,

My father-in-law was trying to ruin my marriage, and after 10 yrs of me putting up with his uglyness and my husband staying out of it because of his childhood fears of a controlling father, my father-in-law finally snapped, hit me, denied it, threatened my husband with a gun if he believed me, and they haven't spoken for 7 yrs. It has been wonderful for me and my husband to be rid of him, but we lost a relationship with his mother who is wonderful. We are able to see her once a yr. and talk to her on the phone several times a year.

My advice to you is that your husband must put his foot down NOW before things get worst, and tell his mom "if you love me and the kids, then you MUST treat my wife with respect or you will lose us all".

If my husband had done that, the hitting sceniro would not have occurred and his Dad would have had to comply with his wishes or lose his son and 4 grandchildren.

Good luck. H. M.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are going to get a lot of different opinions and you and God are going to have to sort through them all. The only thing you can do is to treat her nicely and keep the boundaries. It really is up to your husband to decided how to handle his mom when considering the entire family. He married you though and hopefully he will chose to stand up for the family and you. It really is unfair also if she only wants to spend time with her biological grandkids and not all five that belong to you and your husband. As a child I was in a situation very much like that. My step grandparents wanted nothing to do with me I felt sooo left out. Good luck with it stand strong but don't expect it to get better over night.

I've heard people make the foolish remark that you don't marry your spouse's family...but the unfortunate truth is that YOU DO.

Before you were a "GOD SEND". (but that only lasts as long as you play by your mother-in-laws rules). Now, you are perceived as a threat and should be "BANISHED". LOL

Rewind almost 20 years...I played a simular game with my mother-in-law too! After my overwhelming WELCOME to the family, I "displeased" her by not "falling in line" or "knowing my place". I constantly tryed to make amends or gain her favor back...but the harder I tryed, the more hurtful she became.

It took my husband to sit her down and make her face some truths. This also meant that our visits and socialization (even the kids interaction) with his family became VERY limited.

OK...fast forward today...we are still married and my inlaws come over to my house. My mother in law is polite to me and does not attempt to "rule the roost". In return, we visit them and offer the same politeness.

Unfortunately, "closeness" in some situations only breeds contempt and jealousy. I wish that my inlaws were inclined to be more involved grandparents and that I were inclined to be a "better" daughter in law. However, honestly, our lives are simpler without the drama.

Your husband has to step up here. He needs to explain to her that he cannot allow her to create a situation (and believe me it will)of disrespect between his children from the prior marriage and yourself. He also needs to point out that he appreciates all of the time and love she has given to his children and reassert that noone is trying to replace her, BUT, she has to respect the "family unit" and as of this time, you are the "woman of the house" AND his wife.

I recommend that you read the book "EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL" and that your husband gets a gander as well so that he can be better equipt to deal with his mother. Also there is one called TOXIC PEOPLE that you might find interesting.

It's complicated, but it's simple...your husband is the one who has to fix this. He MUST stand up to his mother, kindly and with love but firm, each and every time. She has to know the boundaries and has to know that she absolutely cannot treat you disrespectfully and that if she does, he will side with you EACH AND EVERY TIME. (Of course, you have to give the respect back...)

I got sideways with my brother-in-law once and my husband supported me unconditionally. At first I got it from my mother and father in law, too, but the family eventually came around. When his brother was in my face, cussing me out, he defended me and told his brother to get out and stay out. It was close to a year later before my brother-in-law would even sit in the same room with me and they even skipped my birthday dinner completely! But when I stayed home from an event, so did my hubby and kids. When I got up to leave, so did my hubby and kids.

You have to let it be her problem and if the other women of the family gather around her and you are ostricized, then your WHOLE FAMILY (you, your husband and kids) skips the event...not just you. If just you stay home and he goes with the kids (or God forbid, just his kids), then your husband is sending the message that it's your problem and that he doesn't necessarily support your decision.

Without your husband's FULL, UNCONDITIONAL AND CONSISTENT support, this will never get better. She will only stop this when she sees that he supports you completely, that he will not let her interfere with his marriage or the raising of his kids, and that he will not tolerate her treating you badly.

Your husband is probably a sweet, kind man, and he probably needed and appreciated his mom's help when he was alone with his kids, and that makes it hard to stand up to his mom now. But he can't be torn on this issue. Unless he wants to be married to his mother instead of his wife, he needs to straighten his spine, thank his mother for her loving support, and tell her to BUTT OUT and treat his wife with the respect she deserves.

She'll eventually come around if she truly loves her son and grandchildren, which obviously she does. She is just threatened by being replaced.

Once things even out, find ways to include her ON YOUR TERMS. Let her help with something that will truly help you out and will also give her some time with the kids. She will still feel needed, which is where this whole thing started, and it will be on your terms, which will make it easier and more convenient for you and lets you live your life, be married and raise your kids with your husband as it should be.

B. i have a mother in law just like urs sweetie. She likes to give orders and tries to come between me and my husband at all times. She tries anything to come between us at times i have to speak my peace and tell her to butt out of our lives we live 21 miles away from her and we still get everything throw at us and things. As i put it she lays her trash in our household and i am getting tire of it.

If she keeps up with the kids and things. There is not much that i don't thinks she can do as long as u and ur hubby is not abusing the kiddos there is not much she can do and things. So i would let her blow her top as so to speak. Ur husband and u have custody of the kids and things. I would not put up with her doing me that way. I don't hardly speak to my mother in law at all and i sure let her know what is on my mind also mostly when she ticks me off and things.

I will be praying for u and things. I would not let my mother in law ruin my marriage at all i would tell my hubby it has to be me or her which one do u pick and let it go at that and things.

Well we all know what our flesh would want to do, but I agree with praying about the situation and totally letting God be in control of change. We serve a very AWESOME God and He is definitely able to change this relationship. However you and your husband need to be in agreement about the whole issue otherwise there is a door left open for strife, which can totally create an even bigger mess.
On the otherside... Grandma may be having a bit of withdrawl going on. If you and your hubby just got married in November... she is maybe used to doing everthing for the kids. Not doing everything will take major adjustment. I'm not siding with her, but I am saying to be patient in the readjustment.
Keep praying and trust that God has it in His hands.

I too am a mom of 5 that is a blended family. I would pose some questions to you. What do you want out of this relationship with your mother in law? What must be true for her about why she acts the way she does? Put yourself in her shoes. If you had been given the responsiblity or been allowed to have the responsibility of being the "parent" and then all of the sudden you weren't and there were all these restrictions and boundries on what you could and couldn't do with these kids now....how would you feel? maybe a little threatened, maybe a little insecure? What if your needs for creating cohesiveness in your newly blended family were equal to the needs that she has to be involved in the kids lives? What would that look like? When change happens, renegotiating relationships and boundreies are necessary...yes? Chances are she is not out to sabatoge your new marriage...she more than likely just doesn't understand where she fits in the new picture. She is uncertain of herself and her relationship with you and how it works.
Does it really matter what others think or say about her in regard to you? Do you have control over how you think about her? Can you choose to love her in spite of her behavoiur? Can you choose to show up in the relationship with the intention of doing your part...in a positive way...that would have positive impact on the relationship regardless of her response? My only advise here...you can only control your actions, behaviours, attitudes and responses in any situation, you can not now or ever control someone elses. What you bring to a relationship matters! So by changing your thoughts and actions towards this situation...the equation changes thus will change the outcome. It may take time...but be willing to do your part. Proverbs 23:6 "as a man thinketh in his heart...so is he" James 1 is a great passge to help put things in perspective too.
Prayers to you. your life coach.

The one who is going to have to put his foot down is her son (your husband). He is the only one she will listen to. My husband also had to do with his parents as he is an only child. They listened, but I will say this, only recently have they started to believe that he actually knows what he is talking about. We will have been married 20 years this spring. It is still rough sometimes but overall it is much better.

Wow - you sure have your hands full. First and foremost, you and your husband need to get into counseling to help you both learn how to deal with this situation in a positive way. I'm guessing it is maybe too late for your m-i-l to change (and doesn't sound like others care enough to care), so it is, unfortunately up to you two. M-i-l sounds like Godzilla, bless her heart, and apparently a life long manipulator. Your mental health and marriage are at stake here honey. It is a shame she is that way. Does she treat all 5 children equally? I'm pretty sure the counselor will tell you she needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Have you tried to speak with family members about making changes (away from her hearing)? Good luck with this - I care. God bless you.

Your husband is the head of your family and YOU come first before children and all others. Your husband should explain to his mother that you are now his wife and the parent to all of the children. Consideration of you, your feelings are paramount to the relationship. Grandparents should realize their place and allow you two to be parents and when help with the children is requested of grandma and grandpa then if they are able and willing, is the only time and place when they should.

Dear B....i'm so proud of you two for not just giving in...and like someone else said, your husband is the one that's going to have to lay down the law.....his Mom is going to have to BELIEVE that she can't continue to push and eventually get her way....since she always has she will continue to turn up the heat until her son or you breaks...because it's just too hard and causes too much hassle....if you and your husband will unite, make a firm decision to stand eventually she will get the message or she will go away....you hate to pull the kids away from her or ban her from your home but it may take that for her to finally realize that you two are united and are NOT going to roll over and give in....Stand firm, in unity(the unity is so important)....let her pull the "girls" together...remember that your family may have to be just you, your husband and your 5 kids...be okay with that if you must....but continue to stand...good luck...i know this stuff is hard.....R.

B., many people don't want to hear this, but prayer is what I recommend you do. Matthew 19:5-6 is the place I would start. Your husband may be trying, but until he tells his mother how things are going to be, things will not change. You two must be on the same page in order for this to resolve between you. Don't let this come between you. Maybe you could seek guidance from your pastor (if you have one).
Good luck and Godspeed!

I, too, agree that this is something your husband is going to have to take responsibility for nipping in the bud. It sounds as thought he does support you, but that he needs to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with his mom.

I had a lot of problems with MIL, FIL, *and* SIL that my husband, unfortunately, wouldn't stand up to. Finally I decided that the only person I could control was myself, and to that end I was going to make sure that I didn't do anything that gave them any ammunition for taking situations and twisting them to their advantage (as they had been doing).

That took a lot of control, because what I ended up doing was being very quiet and making sure that when I did speak or act that it was in a gentle and kind way (and believe me, I did not feel like that sometimes after how they treated me!). But that was also the right thing to do, and my conscience was/is clear because I know that I was trying my best.

It ended up biting them all in the rear one day that they told my husband this story of something I had allegedly done to my SIL's son, when none of us had even seen the little booger in months!!!!! After that, they have straightened out.

Sometime in there I invited my MIL to go to the local farmer's market with DD and me, and we spent the whole day just messing around. Although I really did it just as part of my "nice gestures" practice we ended up having fun. Now my SIL, truly we don't have much in common anyway, and the last time we were at my in-laws she was yelling at her oldest son and practically cursing him out (fun, fun) -- that isn't the kind of person I want to be around, regardless of who it is. I still play the Nice Game with her, though.

As far as the "puppet" family members...will any of those girls speak to you?? If so, maybe you can start up a conversation with them and while not ignoring her or being ugly, just being friendly. If you can get one of them to see that you aren't someone with whom to be combative, that will help the others' viewpoint as well.

Bottom line, though, it's going to be up to your hubby. It will probably not be fun, but he is going to have to do some serious tough love with your MIL.

Well I honestly feel you must stick to your guns with this situation. You are the mother of those children now and she must respect that. Also, you should let you know that your appreciate her for all she has done and let her know as a team you two could do so much more.

Hi B.,
Well, it was bound to happen. A new wife enters and things change. It's normal. It may have been better to discuss it beforehand, break it gently that you would be there now to take over, and this will be your daily routine. Suddenly she feels useless, not needed. It's devastating. Try other strategies as going shopping, lunch, etc. together. Stick with it B.. Your husband understands but I doubt how much help he will be, so you have to ignore the MIL attitude if she won't cooperate. The less she intrudes, the better you will BOTH be. You have your family, friends, a life, etc. Include her in family gatherings. Be cordial and polite and that's it. You have a cozy family, but I wonder how you manage the day care. Have a good life, and God bless.

You need to give up the daycare for friends and help out in case of emergency only. Other people's children don't need to be around all this drama anyway. Your's unfortunately have no choice. If your husband is really trying , make sure he reads this, you don't have time for secrets and these are my words not yours. He needs to man up, and choose his wife and children over his mother or any other extended family, You are his family now.

If he is not really trying you are going to have to learn to be a very wise woman. I Strongly suggest seeking out an older Christian woman who has been married for many years and still loves her husband and has raised great children. She will help you to pick and choose your battles, but one thing is for sure Controlling and munipulative people should not have access to your children. you all have a mess. Thank God for mercy, It doesn't have to get any worse, although it may seem like it, and it can get much better. It always takes longer to clean up the spill than it does to make it. Stay married and raise these children together in a peaceful home even if it means grandma and other relatives are out .