Missing That Spark...

I dont know if my advice will make any sense but I'll try...

If you can think of why you fell in love with him in the first place. What attrached you to him? How you/he felt when you were first together? If you didnt live in a crampled housing, and you had a roomy place, would your feelings really change?

When my husband and I first starting dating, we went out to dinner all the time. He randomly sent me flowers. We would just sit and laugh for hours. All these things I remember and value in the past dont happen to often now. I still love him. He is still the man for me its just times change. We have bills, a child, he works 50+ a week, and I go to school. If we didnt have all these life changing, stressful things going on, I am 100% sure that things would be the same way they were when I met him. Life changes!

Love is unconditional. Love is not a feeling, its an ACTION!! So you have to make those sparks fly, they dont just happen.You might not always be IN LOVE when you LOVE someone.

Good luck!

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Whooooooa, Missy!

Know this: Good men ARE hard to find. But you need to find one you love in addition to being a "good guy."

You wrote: "We don't have any significant problems between us. He's responsible, loving, dependable, helps around the house, inside, and does just about everything outside, with the cars, etc., he is generally pretty affectionate, tells me he loves me, tells me I'm beautiful (which is definitely a stretch on some days! :) pays his share, we're generally pretty compatible, enjoy doing things together, and he says he wants to have babies and grow old with me. He takes good care of my son, they get along well, and he doesn't overstep with him (that took some discussion, but we're on track there now.) All in all, he's a really good guy."

That says a LOT. He sounds like a keeper.

You write: "I am feeling like I SHOULD be feeling like I can't imagine life without him. And the truth is, I can. "
I think that means you are a strong woman capable of supporting yourself AND your son, should you NEED to. You're strong ad independent. That's a good thing. In my eyes, marrying someone that you cannot imagine living without is not necessarily a good thing.
IMO,we should marry men because we WANT them, not because we NEED them. There's a huge difference between the two.
Could it be you want him in your life, but don't feel that you need him to survive?
Good luck. Of all of the people on this site, you are the most level-headed, introspective, intelligent woman I've met.
Don't sabotage yourself!
Best of luck, and Happy New Year!

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You might try www.makingherhappy.com. Once you read past the sales pitch and sign up for the daily email newsletter, both you and your man might learn some really get philosophies and ideas for keeping the "spark" alive.

The author has worked with hundreds of couples to help them get their marriages back on track. My husband discovered this website years ago when we were struggling, had me start reading it and things really improved. If nothing else, it gives the two of you a common language with which to communicate.

Good luck!

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I know what you are talking about. It is just a phase.... Love is an action too not just a feeling. Sounds like you need some time away to recoup. Sounds like day to day life is getting to be a rut and you need to get out of that rut and find your lovin feeling again.

You guys are on top of each other in your cramped place.... get out and do something. But do something for yourself too.

In a relationship you go through ups and downs and stagnant moments.... not every moment is the tingley oh I love you feeling.....in those moments when you dont FEEL it you have to LIVE it!

If you think it is really a problem get Fire Proof and watch it. There is also the Love Dare that goes with it. Go to Fireproofmymarriage.com and check it out.

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Well put, Denise P.

Happy New Years L.!

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relationships do take work and if you said " you could never imagine living without him" i would call you a liar. You are new to this there is a great deal of adjusting, give and take push and pull. Missing you "old" life is understandable adjusting to your "new" life a little difficult but you need to have a long conversation with yourself.
Are staying because you should, because your kid is attached or are you staying because you want to because you dont want to be without him? He is a "great" guy they are hard to find but dont sell yourself short.
If you dont want to be intimate with him I mean really dont want to he can tell and soon that will just drive a wedge and cause anger and resentment women tend to think they can "fake" that for greater good trust me you cant.
If you love him you owe it to him and yourself to take a good hard look at this before you get knee deep in this thing.

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How would he feel if he read this?

I'd say don't rush to marry this guy.

I felt that "spark" with my now-ex for over 20 years. If I hadn't felt it, I wouldn't have married him. Even though eventually we couldn't live together, I still can't imagine life without him.

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theres no way we can know what you should do. sometimes sparks return, sometimes they dont, some people "fake it till they make it'', some fake it and are never happy again. Its all subjective.

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As you said it could just be one of the phases you both will go through. i remember feeling that way after hubby and I lived together for a year or two. I was so upset, thought that was it, things were over (I was 20, lol) but we stuck it out, re invented romance for that time in our relationship adn will now be celebrating 16 years together.

There have been a few times through out when I thought...I think I may prefer if he would just not be here anymore. I wanted my space, my own time to be me and enjoy things by myself. I got that wish when he was on the road for work for nearly 3 years. It wasn't what I had made it out to be!! The grass is usually greener on the other side. Now he is home and I would never want to be with out him again.

That being said I know that you know you CAN live with out him, question is do you WANT to? I know I can, but dont want to ......Something to think about

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Try not to over think it.

I have been married 13 years. It is never full of "sparks" every day.
But, by then, there is something, hopefully deeper... that is holding the 2 Spouses together...and it not being just because you have children together.
BY then... the marriage matures... both people hopefully mature... and grows up. Mentally and emotionally... and in terms of "expectations" upon the other... and being realistic yourself... and not expecting every day/every year to be a fairy tale or like you see on tv.
And sometimes, once 'reality' is seen... and the everyday drudgery... some people see their Spouse for who they are... warts and all... and then get turned off or disillusioned. So they either accept that because that is life and no one is perfect... or they cannot accept that and only want a certain image of their partner, to exist. Which is not, realistic nor attainable.

Be careful.... and look in yourself... you do not want to cause disillusioned problems...

Sometimes too, the 'needs' of a Man/partner... makes a woman feel 'icky' because... they are more focused on their child. And if a Man appears 'needy' or to have 'needs'.... they get turned off.

Or maybe, you don't know, how you feel, really, at this point? Or have apprehensions, about deepening the relationship or going into a further commitment with this man....

Next, you said you love him. He sounds like a good guy. Maybe you are just fearful of commitment??? Or is he just an old shoe, to you by now????

I have a friend, still unmarried nor with a long relationship... that has had many great guys. BUT... EVERY single time, the relationship deepened... she would break up with the guy. Nothing was ever perfect enough for her. It was HER hang-up and issues. But she would still complain, that it is SO hard to find a nice guy or get swept off her feet. But she did have MANY good guys and good looking guys, as boyfriends. Marriage material type guys. She broke a lot of hearts. She is, still single. Older. Has no kids. And still wonders WHY she cannot find a good guy.... and she still has no kids of her own.

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We built our house before we got married, during which time we lived in my studio apartment... needless to say we nearly killed eachother b/c there wasn't any escaping one another! That could be a factor, but probably not the source.

Is it possible... just thinking "out loud" here... that you rushed through your dating/courting period? You say you've been together for 1.5 and engaged for 7 months... doing the math, that's pretty darn quick. It sounds like you dated for 8 months and immediately turned into a "family". I love my husband very much, but I miss the days when we "dated"... got dressed up (without him standing next to me in his undies and socks), new restaurant, not sure "where" he'd sleep that night... it's all so predictable now. It's good, but it's predictable.

I'm not saying you should break your engagement or anything crazy, but try "dating" him again. Get a sitter and have him meet you somewhere after work. Sitters are expensive, but see if you can swap childcare with a friend... go for a walk, talk on the phone, watch a movie together at night... whatever. Just "date" him once in a while and see if that "spark" comes back.

Have you started planning the wedding? If not, get cracking! This may help too- long engagements without an "end point" get old... several friends were engaged forever before they actually got married and eventually the engagement became more of a "permanent" relationship status rather than an exciting planning period.

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The first two years of our marriage was the worst. We also lived in a teeny cramped apartment, I really think that has something to do with it too. We trudged through it though, reinvented our love, become more involved with each other more giving, spent more quality time together, forgave easier and refused to nitpick... and now, the past almost 6 years have been wonderful! We resolve conflicts quickly and easily, we help each other and our each other's soul mates.

It takes time. It's true, you can live your life without him or anyone... the question is, do you want to? I have felt that feeling you describe, I wished sometimes I could just be on my own with my kids, but I realized I was building a wall and not allowing myself to be happy, and overthinking things. Once I decided to invest more in the relationship and to be myself again, and learned to appreciate the things he does and be less selfish and more giving, things got better.

But, since you do not have children together it's better to figure things out before you bring a child into it.

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I just wanted to share my experience. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years. When we decided to finially live together, I moved into his place (of course this is right after we had the baby). I guess I just didn't realize how much stuff babies accumulate, but we were cramped. Our apartment was 460 sq ft - 1 bedroom, 1 bath. Not only that we had tons of furniture in it. It was even smaller with the furniture, that literaly there was only a walking path around the place.
We did that for a year before we finially closed escrow on our new house. But I will tell you, I wanted to go "home." LOL, I didn't even have a "home" I just wanted to find one, away, out of that place. I was tired of bumping into him, fighting for the bathroom, hearing every little sound each other makes...all over the apartment!
For me, it was being cooped up. We have been in the house for almost a year, and its wonderful. Sure, he still has his clueless days, and I have my moody ones, but it actually feels like a home...and I can't imagine life without him.
See how moving into a bigger place changes your relationship. Basically I try to revive that spark with date nights, being intimate (trying something new) and flirt with him. I like to act like a teenager in love with my SO. ;)

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List your highest stresses on paper. You be amazed how living on top of each other can hinder a relationship.
Consider how your stress can be affecting other areas of your life. I know for the last 10 years of marriage I have had my fair share of 'wth do I care" about our relationship but there was always something getting in the way of that spark. Times like these you need to reflect on what is going on around you. You also have to take steps to renew things. Try going on a date again, or getting some time apart. Testing and trying new ways to rekindle is work but it helps you to understand why your in a dulldrum. You can go through this a lot in a relationship/marriage. The key is working on it and even expressing feelings to your SO. It can be hurtful but it can help you guys grow. Communication is key to a healthy happy relationship. I know my hubby and I have done many "talks" about our down feelings. It wasnt pretty but we worked past them together ;)

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The grass is always greener. Someone said once "choosing one dream means letting go of another" and I think that the closer we get to having to let go the harder it gets. You're letting go of wild times, prince charming, marrying a millionaire, whatever your "impossible dream" is. That's hard.

But those things are dreams, and your fiance is a reality. Don't give up something (a very good something) for nothing. It's a bad trade that you'll kick yourself for.

So how do you get that loving feeling back? Intimacy helps. So does time apart. Go out with friends, have a drink or two, come home a little tipsy and see your fiance as you used to see him. Then you'll have a harder time imagining your life without him.

Good luck.

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