Mil's House Is Unsanitary -How to Handle Visits??

If you can not afford to hire a professional (which was what I was thinking until I got to the bottom), than I would do it myself. See if any other family members would be willing to help, and spend a day at it. Yes it will be hard, but since the dog is gone, once the worst of it is clean than it would not be so bad. You could do it as a gift, work together to get it all fixed up, and than maybe hire a cleaning service to come twice a month or once a week to keep things up. She may be better about keeping things up once it is really clean any way. Often times people just get so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work it would take to fix something like this they just do not know where to start.

If the family isn't willing to even talk to her you can't just come in and start cleaning. This has to be discussed. If you have a good relationship with her you may just have to bite the bullet and talk to her about how much work the house must be for her. And try to get the conversation moving from that about getting the house cleaned up. You'll have to tread lightly and talk about how you'd like to give her a hand. But until she's ready to face the facts even if you clean it up it will probably be a mess again in short order.

There is no way I'd take my crawling/walking baby into that mess. No way. We had to stop eating at my grandma's because she would do things like work with raw chicken on the counter then slice a tomato! I couldn't take a chance on my little one or us getting sick.

I would suggest getting a babysitter for the day and surprising your MIL with a visit that surrounds cleaning her house! We did this with my husband's grandfather for a similar reason. We got a sitter for the entire day, drove the 40 minutes (with my SIL and one of my nieces who is my age) and showed up with bagels, coffee, clorox and TONS of paper towels!

- Rented a steam cleaner for the rugs and furniture and cleaned them ourselves
- Took ALL linens (bedding, window treatments, slipcovers, and towels) to the laundromat and paid the "per pound" fee to have them washed, dried and folded
- Bleached the kitchen and bathrooms
- Scrubbed the walls and ceiling fans and ALL surfaces
- Left the windows open to let in the fresh air
- Bleached the fridge and threw out everything in there
- Ran countless loads of dishes in the "sanitizing" setting... Worst case scenario buy new dishes and flatware at KMart or Target

We ordered pizzas and he helped us "organize" his junk. We were there ALL freaking day and night, but when we were finished, the house sparkled. As we were leaving, we let him know that if he wanted us to bring the babies over, he needed to keep the house in this condition and let him know that if he couldn't maintain his home and live safely, we would need to either hire help or find another place for him to live.

Honestly, he was able to maintain it with a part-time aide (she was there during the day) for over a year. He was quite elderly and fell last spring, resulting in us having to find a retirement community for him. Because we had the conversation ahead of time and with specific expectations (and help), he was much less resistant.

Bottom line, if there is a real issue the state or county will step in and it will not be up to her (or you).

Would you be willing to clean it yourself?

She is also clearly suffering from depression, and perhaps someone (you? husband?) can talk to her about THAT and not focus on how she can't keep up the cleaning. Instead focus on "we're worried about you and your well-being, you just don't seem like yourself, which is normal after suffering a loss like the dog dying..." and then make solid offers to help her get help -- research therapists or support groups, seek out cleaning services that you could split with her and other family members (but over $1000?! that must be one giant house, or a really expensive cleaning company, look around)

Worst case scenario, if you wanted to shock her into getting help, you could say we won't visit with our daughter until the house is cleaned up.

We have pitched in and cleaned up my mom's house several times now. She was always a hoarder so there was always too much clutter, then as she got older, she really couldn't see the oh my gosh, gross filth in her kitchen and bathroom especially. She is very sensitive to us throwing anything out and actually discourages us from cleaning but you just have to say this is something I want to get done for you, you're not getting any younger, it will be easier for you to keep up with things if I do a deep cleanse, etc. Just be matter of fact and non-judgemental. It is probably something you are going to have to continue to do from time to time so you need to get her used to it. Good luck.

How about for a birthday present you pay a cleaning service for x hours weekly? That would spread out the cost and at least get things cleaner. You should have a talk with them before they go to her house and set priorities. Since your husband is her child, he should also talk to her and let her know that with a baby crawling about, that you can no longer come over unless the house is cleaner. You say she is depressed, perhaps she should move closer into an apartment so she has less work and can visit more easily on a daily/weekly basis? Unfortunately I think some discussions are in order. It sounds like the unsanitary conditions can't be good for her either since a depressed person has a lower resistance to disease. Time to have a heart to hear in a gentle and loving manner.

We had a similar problem with my dad's place. Not to that extreme, just dusty. here was our solution: My husband took dad & my son out to the mall to have him help him look for something. I cleaned out the fridge and mopped the kitchen floor. Next visit, you spill something on the carpet-like formula, pitcher of ice tea, anything that you can think of that would be messy-feeling very bad about it, you leave immediately before she has time to tell you don't bother and come back with a carpet cleaner to take care of the mess. Have your husband and his mom take your daughter out somewhere while you take care of the carpet -because the noise will bother your one year old. Then clean everything you can and when they get back -just tell them you got carried away. Or if you can't do the shampooing-switch roles and have your husband do it. Or you can say that your daughter seems to be allergic to dog hair-vacuuming will not get rid of the dander, but a good shampooing of the carpets will help her when she is crawling around there.
If you can get even one room done, that will give your daughter room to crawl without you cringing. As to the silverware & dishes, have your husband distract his mom , you offer to set the table and you try to rinse off as much yuck as you can before she notices. Pretend you are washing out your daughter's bottles.
Good luck to you. Slow and steady is the only way to win this one. Every time you go, just do a little cleaning and eventually it won't be that bad. : )

I agree with the idea of doing it yourselves.
Just honestly talk to her and tell her you know it's too much for her but it needs to be done...so....here you are!

What's more disturbing is the untreated depression. It's not necessary that she lives her life this way. Can your hubby talk to her?

Hi, Meg:
Have you ever talked with her about how she is dealing with the lost of her husband and her dog?

There are support groups for depression. Look for a resource in your community and see if there is a support group in her community. Contact someone there and tell them about your concerns.
Good luck.
D.

For now maybe offer to help get one room set up as a perfectly babyproof playroom. You could work on it together and, if you're not ready to confront the issue of her mess head on, take ownership as an 'overprotective mom.' I'm not saying you are, but you coulf frame it this way and maybe expresss that you have had to just set up a couple special spaces for your child at home too. I bet she loves having your child visit and would love the idea of an enticing place to play when she visits.

If it were me I would put it in my husbands hands, as she is his mother. I would tell him that it has gotten to the point where it is unhealthy for your daughter to be there as she is now mobile. Until the house is cleaned, you just can't allow your daughter to be in that environment. Feces carries all sorts of bacteria and can really really make you sick, it isn't like we are talking dust bunnies here!

Unfortunately, if you just clean her house one day or pay for someone to come in and do it professionally 2 things are going to happen:
1) MIL is going to be VERY ticked off at you guys for butting into her business. And she is going to be VERY embarrassed and probably not want to communicate with you all for a while
2) The house will go right back to where it was.

She has a sickness which needs to be dealt with. Just cleaning the house is not going to solve the problem, in fact, I think it will cause more problems. I think the only way to really fix this is to get her into therapy and have someone work with her to get everything back in order on her terms.

I don't envy you, this is a very touchy situation. I wish you the best of luck with this.

I'd be depressed, too, if my house were that filthy! I would suggest finding a way to give her house a one-time thorough cleaning to get rid of leftover dog waste and odors, and old mold from the fridge. After that, you will probably have to live with the smaller daily unsanitary issues. But at least the major smelly germy stuff will be gone.

My sis and I drove 1 and 2 hours to clean our grandma's house when she could no longer see or smell well enough to realize how grimey her house had become. We hired sitters so and spent half a day there. She followed us around the whole time insisting that it was too much work and unnecessary. However, when we were done, she was obviously blessed and thanked us. After that, she made lunch and tea for us and we ate off not-so-clean dishes which is hard for a germ-freak like me but we didn't die!

Since there are others in the family who are aware of her housecleaning issues, could you go in as a team to clean, or take turns and tackle one problem at a time? Each family could choose to clean by themselves or hire a professional to do one thing, carpet cleaning for example. Perhaps by getting the big cleaning jobs done, your MIL will be able to manage some of the upkeep on her own.

Is there a local kids place (BounceU, Gymboree, My Gym) where you could meet and let the baby play while you visit? That's a hard one! Hope you figure something out!

Wow. Is that the same type of environment your hubby grew up in? IF it is then he and the other sibs probably don't see anything deeply wrong with it. Obviously they have all lived through it as well.... our immune systems are given to us for a reason. BUT, I'm sure I would not take my kids into that environment either if I knew they would be walking around and touching things... ew.
I think all of you need to get a plan going to clean that up for her... all of you together could make it happen. She is getting older and her health problems will multiply in that environment. A good new year goal would be to get Grandma's house cleaned up for her and hire a maid to come in once a week to keep it up for her.
Gosh.. I know how it must smell. I feel for ya.

Since you seem to have a good relationship with her, I would just ask if you can have the carpets cleaned and put the whole issue of it on yourself. Talk about how you're paranoid about the baby being on the floor and if she would just humor you, you'd appreciate it. Might be possible to laugh the issue off. If paying for a carpet cleaning company is too expensive, you can rent a machine at the grocery and you and your husband can do while she watches the baby. Good luck!

Really, you need to make a decision for her that is in her best interest. You may not be able to afford 1000.00 but I'm sure you can have the house cleaned for less, just not as thoroughly as you like - you would have to clean what you can yourself. Having it cleaned it a necessity at this point and MUST be done - you need to find a way. If keeping her house clean is the only issue she has, then after it gets cleaned someone can come out and clean twice a month. Does she have money to pay someone to come clean?

It's time to not worry about her feelings and be honest. Basically, someone needs to take charge or accept it as it is and just take a blanket to lay on the floor.

Also, help her get treatment for the depression. If she is treated properly, she may start taking care of her house better.

This is your family, not a burden (yes, this will cost money you will need to find in your budget to help her), so please find a way to help her...

Sears cleans carpets super cheap! Call and get an estimate and offer to pay for it. Get the other siblings in on this too! (I bet if you do the talking, they might be willing to chip in the cost.) Tell her that now that your child is crawling,walking, putting things in her mouth, it would really be best to do this. I am sure she will understand and be thankful for your help. It sounds like you really love her. ( I love to hear this, I love my mil too!) As for the cleaning of the rest of the house, get a sitter or a good friend to help you watch your daughter, and you and your husband give it a good scrub down. I agree with you, it must be done! You sound like a great daughter in law. Good luck!

If she is a hoarder, you can clean it yourself until the cows come home... it won't stay that way. She will be very angry and hurt. I grew up in a house like this. My Mom is a 12 hour drive from us, so when we visit, we have to get our own place. You could offer to have her house cleaned/clean it yourself, but I sincerely doubt she would be open to that.

I second the recomendation of Shannon A. You could also get a hotel with a nice pool and have her over for lunch and a swim. These things have worked with my Mom. Visits in the Spring/Summer/Fall are also better as you can spend most of your time outside.

My mom's house was the same way. I would clean house for her occasionally to keep it under control. Fortunately I didn't have a baby to crawl around it at the time.

Maybe you could bring a large blanket from home to spread on the carpet and try to keep your crawler on it as much as possible.

I like what Krista P. suggested. You could make it a b-day, valentine or mother's day gift.

Are you in a position to do some cleaning yourself? Start with one room. Once it's clean, confine your angel to that space and move on to cleaning the next. We've done this at another family member's home (he was, and still is, oblivious). His continues to be a mess every time we go, so it's a never-ending battle each time we visit (which isn't often). Your MIL, on the other hand, no longer has the dog, so that helps.

It also may help to try to adjust your viewpoint. Although it seems so very disgusting, I do wonder how truly dangerous this situation really is for your little one. If the dog's been gone for months, the residue is quite dried and may not be capable of harboring bacteria (I really don't know this, but I do know that most pathogens require a moist environment). She is probably at more risk for sharp corners, choking or fall hazards, or even electrical outlets.

I'm not suggesting "just grin and bear it" but decide where you're willing to compromise and where you ansolutely can't. Then you'll need to have a heart to heart with your husband to see if he agrees. It's a tough situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Good luck~

I would try to get her to move to a smaller apartment closer to you and her grandkid.

Meg:

I so feel your pain. My former MIL was like this - a TOTALLY great W. but a HORRIBLE house keeper. It didn't help that she was a hoarder as well (and she lives in Media, PA). My ex told his mother that we couldn't stay there if our room wasn't cleaned up. I did it myself - bought a vacuum cleaner and such - i needed gloves because it was just SOOOOO bad (think of some of the worst places you have seen on Hoarders and then think WORSE) and I mean BAD - like I don't know how they weren't sick all the time with the dust, feces, cat dander, dog dander, cigarette smoke and such. The house was prime for fires as things were stacked on top of each other so it would've been hard to navigate during an emergency.

I know you live a ways away - but would you be able to go over a couple of times during the week and help her get it under control?

I'm not sure if you can do this - but talk to her Dr and let her doctor know she's going through some depression and her home is becoming (or basically is) unhealthy.....

I will state that when I cleaned my MILs kitchen when she wasn't home - she came UNGLUED as the things I perceived as trash (phonebooks from 1974) and newspapers (with cat feces and mouse droppings on it) from 1980 (this was 1989) was NOT trash. this is when my ex acknowledged that his parents had a problem. I bought sheets and blankets for the bed we slept on - including a mattress pad - and our clothes to a laundry mat and washed them before use and after we used them. That room was spotless while we were there including the bathroom. She was somewhat offended - however, I will give my ex credit - he said - we will stay and do the rest of the house - but YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT UP - she flipped out. To this day - the house is still a horrible mess. My ex's new wife has the same problem and they won't stay at his parents house when they go to visit. Sad, but true.

Since no children are involved that live at the house, you can't call CPS - they would intervene and get her help. I don't know if there is an adult protection services - can't hurt to look into it. But start with her Dr and let them know what's going on!!!

Good luck!! My heart goes out to you!! I know how hard it is to be in this situation!!

She may have a little bit of low-grade "clutter blindness". She genuinely just may not see the mess. Or, she may, but she's embarrassed to address the topic. Had the house always been like that? Or was there a specific point or event where the house started becoming a mess like that?

My husband has a Great Aunt whose husband died of cancer, and she suddenly went from being a meticulous housekeeper to full-on hoarder in just five years. No one can get in there and she won't let anyone clean it. She says she'll get around to it, but she's just so tired all the time.

Has anyone tried telling her what a mess her house is? Does she know how unsanitary it is? She may not realize it, as hard as that is to believe. Offer that the whole family could pitch in together and have a "cleaning weekend" where everyone comes and cleans everything themselves. I would refuse to go there to the house until the situation was fixed, and tell her so, even if it's painful. You can offer to meet away from the house at restaurants, the mall, the park. It might be worth it to get her a "spot cleaner" vacuum. They're cheap, for gods sake. Or, offer to replace the carpet in the house with some other kind of floor. Also a viable option if you really shop around and even cheaper if you know someone in the family who can do it for you for free. Does she have a dishwasher? How about replacing problem furniture gradually? IKEA is great, even my grandmother at 90 loves the simple scandinavian styles.

Identify the individual mess problems and what the cause of that problem might be. Then come up with a reasonable and rational solution to solve it.

Crappy peed on carpet that can't be cleaned = new floor, faux wood, tile or linoleum.

Dirty dishes = dishwasher with scrubbing feature.

Messy furniture = furniture with cleanable fabric or leather-pleather, or washable slipcovers.

(Eg. My moms dog sheds everywhere. It drives me nuts. Solution was = Furminator pet comb to use 1x a week and a pet-grade vacuum, plus a supply of those lint rollers for her and guests to use.)

I hope some of that helps. I've had lots of experience with this mess issue with family. Mainly just paper and clutter mess though.

why dont u offer to go clean her house on a saturday or a weekend? Tell her u and hubby came to help her get her house in order for the new year. Go rent a scrubber and clean her carpet and help her out. i wish i had a mother-in-law that was good to me. mine cant stand me and she only lives 4 streets away but she is NOT a good grandmother either. i would try that.
good luck

Unfortunately you just may have to put your foot down with your husband and flat out say that either the house gets cleaned, or your daughter will NOT being visiting grandma there. Period. There is no excuse to let a child crawl on a floor covered in dried urine and feces. That is appaling.
A cleaning company should be able to come in and give the house a good cleaning WAY under $1000. Call around.
Also check out resources in her community, she may qualify for state funded help to come in and assist her with housework.
I went through this with my parents. Their dogs peed all over the place, and the house smelled like a urinal. I told my mom that I would not bring my baby into her house until the carpet was pulled up and the floors cleaned.....it got done. i know its not easy to bring this up, but its just not optional to take your daughter there otherwise. Good luck!

I agree with the Mamas that said go up there and clean it yourself, or better yet if this is possible, with your husband's family. Depression definitely keeps people from cleaning and doing those daily routines that need to get done, but if you get her all set up, it may be less daunting, and she may be able to maintain things a little better. Plus, the dried feces will be gone, and a little dirt will just boost your child's immunity :)

Other than possible depression, how is her eyesight? Does she go to a doctor regularly? Yes, our senses diminish some as we age, and many people with pets get desensitized to the smells and other pet issues that greatly disgust non-pet owners, but she may need new glasses, or may have undiagnosed cataracts that prevent her from noticing things like dried bits of food on the dishes.

Whatever you end up doing, you are going to run the risk of alienating her, especially if you don't have support from anyone else in the family (support that your MIL can witness - not just verbal support).

Maybe you can just breeze in like a ray of sunshine, tell her how much you love her and that you want to do her Spring Cleaning for her to help her out, that it will be no bother at all, and you refuse to hear any protests. Leave your daughter with a sitter for the cleaning project, but then come back as a family within a few days (at least it will be still clean) and relax and enjoy her company.

Once the house is clean, you could discuss the possibility of having a cleaning service come on a regular basis to help her out. Or, depending on her health and/or age, she may qualify for assistance from something like Meals on Wheels or a home health aid. These are things that will allow her to keep her independence a little while longer, and you will be able to see if she can maintain the home once the initial overwhelming clean is done. Like another mom mentioned, people have different degrees of cleanliness, so it is possible that this is how the home was when your husband grew up, so you may never feel it will be clean enough. Good luck, these situations are always difficult.