Mil - Mechanicsburg,PA

I grew up with family that just dropped in on people. WE HATED IT!!! They would always choose the worst times to come over unannounced. Now that I am grown, my mom and I made an agreement to ALWAYS call first. My husband has told his family the same thing, and it seems to work out.

As for the MIL making you crazy....I can empathize. She did everything she could do to make me feel inadequate. Luckily, she ended up moving across country. That was a great day!!!

Oh this would drive me insane!!!! This doesn't happen to me because my in-laws do not live locally. However, I have a MIL that thinks that the rules and boundaries that we have established apply to everyone else BUT her. I don't think that you did anything wrong here. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and just tell her...again.

I guess my perspective is completely different when it comes to "unannounced" visitors. We have four kids (three grown) and one teenager. We have family dinners every Sunday night and I always send out a text telling them "family ____@____.com requests" and I usually hear from them. BUT, who I don't hear from (and love) is when someone's friend/brother/neighbor is in town and they just simply show up too. I do indeed love this. My perspective is this...when someone shows up at my house they either want to see me, need my advice, need a hug, want some family time, want a meal or simply want to be here. When I don't send out texts, people still show up. I love every minute of it and every one of them. They also know that if you show up and we are cleaning house/doing yardwork, that we don't stop and if you stay, you need to pitch in.

Our lives are SO short on this earth...love one another. Do for one another. Spend time with one another. Make your house the "fun" one to go to. You will never be sorry.

p.s....let the "clean house" comments slide off your back or the next time she mentions it, tell her you would love to have help and if she is volunteering to clean your stove/house, you would welcome it with open arms (and mean it!) It's all about LOVE!

i think that this could have been avoided if you had just answered the phone.
now you guys look like the bad guys to her.
yes she should be respecting boundaries, but you showed her the same respect by ignoring her calls.

Well, she did call - 4 times. You knew it was her, but you and your husband decided not to call her back.

I think you were the rude ones.

I assume she knew about the downed trees in the back yard and wanted to see if everyone was okay. Really, you could have avoided this situation by taking 5 minutes to call her and tell her it wasn't a good time to a) talk or b) come over.

When your MIL showed up, I would have finished up what I was doing, explained the situation, and left. I would have pointed her towards her son on my way out the door.
She showed up and you let her take your time. You need to just be firm and explain that you have other plans -- and then go do them.
If she comments on the state of your house, tell her she is more than welcome to clean it. Hand her a dust cloth, a trash bag, or a sponge and walk away.
I always call before I go anywhere.
LBC

I really dont think its that big of a deal. I cant believe your husband would be seething over it. Personally, if my mom knew I was home and she called 4 times in an hour, on two different phones, her butt would be in the car asap just to make sure we were alive. Why didnt you call her back? If you would have simply took the time to call her back after 4 phone calls, you could have told her it wasnt a good time. It only takes a minute to make a phone call, I cant see how you could be THAT busy.

This is the person that brought your husband into the world, try to be more understanding of her feelings as well. Im sure even your own mother says things that bothers you sometimes.

Honestly, I don't think moms dropping round is a big deal. We have a fairly open-house policy to family, and if they happen to turn up just as we're about to leave, then we tell them, and get on our way. Nobody gets upset or thinks we're rude. Your MIL probably thought it was a nice thing to do, and instead her son's fuming at her her for daring to visit her own son.

I think it is common courtesy but I know so families get offended when you ask that they call first. Maybe you can explain it to her like this "We love having you over and you are always welcome but sometimes it just isn't a good time and we hate to have you waste a trip because we have something going on. We don't want to be rude but if we have somewhere to be, we need to leave and would hate to rush you out the door. Please check with us so we are all sure we have time to visit without rushing. And BTW, we don't like being startled so please knock even if we are expecting you." You could help that last part by keeping your doors locked so they HAVE to knock. We have an alarm system so everyone is scared they will set it off and have started knocking.

So, I had a boss/friend who really informed my philosophy about phones. They are there for *my* convenience, not the convenience of the caller. If I am in the middle of something (like up to my elbows in dirty dishes, or sitting across the room from the phone nursing my twins) and the phone rings, I do not feel there is a necessity to stop what I am doing and rush to answer the phone. First of all, I don't know that I'll get there before the machine gets it anyway, and I don't relish the thought of disturbing something like my daughters nursing for just anyone. It could be a telephone solicitation, which gets my blood boiling and who needs that? It could be a wrong number, again, is that worth the disruption? Or it could be a family member. My family members have the courtesy to leave a message. Better yet, they text and say "I know you're busy. Give me a call when you get a chance." The world has changed, let's use technology to alleviate issues where we can, shall we?

I'm sorry, but I got really hot under the collar at the notion that you are rude for not answering the phone. It's not like you were dodging her calls for days. You were busy and it's likely your husband didn't even hear his phone ring if he was doing yard work. (And I don't feel my phone on vibrate either when I am in the middle of manual labor.)

As for the drop-bys, non of my family lives locally, so it's not really an issue. But I would not abide it. I would, invariably, be on my way out the door to a very important appointment with no time to talk EVERY time it was done until a lesson was learned.

I would also have my husband talk to her about the emotional blackmail BS. He could say something lighthearted like "I gave you nine months notice I was coming, I just ask for a couple of hours." Or, "You raised me to be a capable and independent adult, and I thank you. Part and parcel of that independence is that I have times I am not available to you. It doesn't mean I love you any less, it is just my life, and I would ask you to respect that." Those are the nice versions I can come up with. If she didn't respond to those, I would.... cease to be nice. But then, that's just me.

I wish you luck.

Your actions will send her the message to call first before coming over. When she showed up at your door unannounced, you should have left for your volunteer shift as planned. You had your food ready and were about to head out the door - a perfect time to show her why you are not available for visitors. By changing your plans for her drop in visit, you gave her the message that you really do have time for her and that makes her wonder why you didn't take her call.

You've already asked your MIL to call first before coming over but she won't do it. If you want her to honor your request you will have to give her consequences, not words. If you have plans, do them. If you have to be somewhere, GO. If you are home and she drops by unannounced to hang out with you, give her some cleaning supplies and let her scrub the stove burners!

I completely understand the "unannounced drop in" irritation.
She obviously WAS trying to call & tell you she was coming.
And truthfully, I think you didn't return the calls on purpose--you were screening your calls!?
I kind of feel sorry for her.
Maybe she would have kept an eye on the "sick O." while you went to your picnic.
Your response by staying is interesting b/c you felt it would be rude to leave "company" yet you have compared her to a phone solicitor-type interruption.
O. day you will not like the restrictions placed on you by your grown children, I think.

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I have one very cold and distant daughter that doesn't invite me over. I don't just drop in on her. She was born this way and puts off a cold vibe to a lot of people. She lets very few people into her inner circle. I love her and I respect her for who she is. We get a long when together and my other daughters assure me she has nothing against me and doesn't mean to put out the vibes she does. I've also told her that if she ever wants me to be there for her just pick up the phone and that I don't want her to interpret my distance as my not wanting to come around because I just want to respect her.

Just to be clear... I don't think it should be that way. I have absolutely NO intentions of letting any of my other daughters put me on a call first status. My grandchildren are going to be a huge part of my life if at all possible. One of my kids is in San Diego...ugh. But the others are right here and when the grandkids start to come I will NOT have someone telling me that I have to call first. I likely would just to save myself gas money. But if I was out and about, no way.

Bottom line is you are both adults and made your wishes very clear. I'm not the type that appreciates drop ins either. Hubby just needs to tell her there is no need for tears, just a simple phone call and the problem will be solved. Don't let her turn it into a dramatic thing or use the tears to get what she wants. She's not 3.

I hate it when family says you have to call first. Everyone is busy these days, not just a mom with 2 kids. Sometimes people are just in the area and want to pop in and say hello. I think you have a control issue about this. You are mad at your MIL for thinking you are not a good enough cleaner, that is why you don't want her around. There are plenty of people in this world who would die to have their parents pop in. Me included. My dad died 5 years ago, and he popped in all the time, sometimes not at a great moment, but we knew he loved us and our kids, and just wanted to visit. I think you need to change your attitude about this. One of my SIL is the one that you have to call to visit. She and my brother have put a wedge between everyone in our family, puts up a fight for everything, etc. It is ridiculous, and has turned into that we never call or visit them anymore. We get the picture. I'm sure she is the lonely one now. How sad to be that way.

I had this very same issue with my inlaws. Talking to them fell on deaf ears. They would come by all the time because they were in the neighborhood-bs they live allmost an hour away, and as if just coming over wasnt enough, they would just use their emergancy key and let themselves in. So we changed the locks & now they are forced to knock and sometimes I pretend not to be home and dont open the door. I love them but sometimes I want some time alone with my kids.
Dont stress about the housekeeping. I am a housekeeping freak and I cant even always manage to keep my own house as clean & neat as I want. It sounds like your mil just needs to learn to mind her own buisness and find something else to do with her time. She probably means well but I think sometimes people come on way too strong & dont realize they are becoming overbearing. Good luck!!!!!

Even when MY parents come out to visit in their motor home - they CALL BEFORE THEY COME OVER!!! They don't just show up - yeah - I know they are close by the RV campground - but they still CALL FIRST!!!

If she doesn't like the way your house looks - by all means - come on over and clean it so i can be with your grandchildren!!!! :)

I think it's GREAT that your husband has set boundaries with his parents!! that's is WONDERFUL!!!! Go give him a HUGE hug and a kiss for me and say WAY TO GO!!!! :)

I'm not sure what practical solutions to offer you - you've already requested the obvious - call before you come over....urgh...sorry I can't be of more help!

Both sides of our family use to just drop in unannounced. They never just WALKED IN, but they'd show up and ring the bell.

Moving to a gated community has its advantages. No guests can get in unless we call in a pass. LOVE!

I feel the same way. My in laws just drop in all the time and its always at a bad time. My husband gets mad but doesn't say anything. He doesn't want to hurt their feelings. Which I understand but I get tired of them just stopping by without calling first.
As for your situation just have another talk with her. Tell her that when she calls to leave a message. Even if it's "hi just calling to see how you are" thing. Remind her that you are both very busy and you will call back when you can unless it's an emergency.
As for the cleaning, been there done that too. I just ignore her and move on. But it has gotten to the point where when I know that she is coming I try to clean up alittle bit more then usual just to keep her mouth shut. I don't get along with my MIL so it makes it that much harder and more stressful for me. I wish you luck and once again you and your husband have another talk with her.

Do you drop around her house unnanounced? possibly sometimes? If you couldn't get them on the phone maybe and you lived close by, maybe you would just pop around to see what was going on?
I really think, just let it go, if your house is untidy so be it, if you are walking out the door, say "We are just walking out the door" If you are tired and relaxing, say "I am just about to jump in the shower, can I see you later"
My MIL lives next door, she calls most days, mostly unnanounced. She is a nice lady and doesn't stay very long usually, we have an honest open relationship and I can say I don't feel like visiting, and she will go home again.
Be honest, be open, I don't think people should drop in and stay all day every day, but now and again is fine.

If she called all of those times I would have called her back regardless of whether or not she left a message. It's rude that you knew she had called and you didn't call her back. You could have then told her that it wasn't a good time to visit before she left to come over. Ignoring her clearly isn't working.

She's being a bit intrusive, but she's only half at fault here. You and your husband aren't handling this the right way at all. You're not validating her in any way, you're not compromising, and you're simply ignoring her. I think you need to change how you're responding to her and treat her like someone you actually care about.

the next time your mil just lets herself into your home without so much as knocking, and then starts crying when she is asked nicely to leave, look her in the face and tell her, get out now, because i am calling the police, you have 5 seconds to close the door behind you. then, turn away from her and pick up the phone. she will stand there looking very stunned, but she will leave.immediately after she leaves, go to a home depot or wherever door locks are sold, and change all the locks on all the doors, even the windows, because if she cant get in through the doors, she will try one of the windows, then change your phone number, and put motion detectors outside the house, lot of work, yeah, but she wont let herself into your house again. if you really want to give a feel of what she is really like, invite yourself over to her house, then , while she is standing there looking stunned, go through every room in her house, commenting on every dust bunny you see, real or imagined. honestly, she is textbook passive aggressive, and she needs help, but its not your problem, change the locks today.
K. h.

I totally get it. I would not like anyone dropping in unannounced especially on a day with one sick kid and somewhere to be by a certain time. However, if your husband can cool the seething for a while, maybe you both can think through how another generation sees these things.

I'd ask your husband --when he was growing up, were there relatives or close family friends who just dropped in on his parents like they drop in on him? When his parents were kids, did folks just drop in on each other (I'd bet they did, back then)? That could explain why they think it's OK -- if it was normal for them. I am not saying it's an excuse; of course they should call and not ever drop by unannounced; but it may help you both understand why they do something that is rude to you but apparently not to them.

Also, her four calls in one hour probably mean she was thinking, "I DID call in advance" and she probably was upset that no one picked up, especially when she got there and found you all going about your business; she likely thought, "They were right here and never picked up and I called and called; they were avoiding me, etc." Yes, she did not get the "If we don't answer it's a bad time" rule, but to her, she may have been worried that no one picked up -- "Is something wrong over there? I thought they were home..." This is how many of my late mom's generation would see it. Again, not an excuse, but depending on her age and background, she may feel that the phone is something one ALWAYS answers "in case something's wrong." Some people of our parents' generation, depending on their backgrounds and how they were raised, often do think every call must be answered and they answer every call they get, so they don't really understand why someone would not pick up the phone if they're home.

Also, is she just lonely and bored? You said "they" so I assume his FIL is around but she may be lacking anything of her own to do, if she drops in on you when she likes. Steer her toward some kind of activities or make a proactive effort to take her with you somewhere with the kids along; she may be feeliing that as the kids have gotten older, she sees less and less of them, hence her wandering over. Again, not an excuse, but if she's not getting the "please do not drop in" message, she may be using your family to fill a void, and/or she may be wanting contact with your family because she knows the grandkids won't be there much longer.

I don't know her so I can't say if she's toxic, obnoxious in other ways, etc. But if she's otherwise OK, other than the dropping in, why not work gently with her on it? Why not tell her, "We know you got upset and we don't want to upset you. We do want to see you! But it was a really tough day (sick kid, place to be, etc.)" Then maybe set up a regular time you get together with her and FIL, a standing appointment to DO some activity everyone can like together (do they bowl, like to eat out, go for walks? Do they want to go to the kids' school or sports activities, and do you ever invite them specifically to come to those? etc.). If you already do all this and see them like this, well, this is all moot. But if not, then more invitations from your family to do specific things together, coupled with firm but kind "not dropping by" policy could help alleviate things.

And if your husband's, your own and your kids' relationships with your MIL and FIL are really otherwise OK, work on this ,but please don't let it force you cross-country. Having in-laws who are nearby could be a good thing in many circumstances if you need them. I wish my own mom could drop in (though yes, she would call!).

P., you absolutely don't need to answer your phone every time it rings, and the boundaries that you have set are healthy ones. Your MIL is the one in the wrong.

I am horrified at how people think that your MIL should control the shots and have license to drop by whenever she pleases. People who think that they can show up at their will and won't be told differently are control freaks.

I am so thankful for my parents and inlaws that RESPECT our privacy and don't have the arrogance to think that our home is a revolving door for them.

Keep reiterating the boundary! Some people don't think rules are for THEM. Your husband should tell your mom how he feels like your family should move as a result of her behavior. Mabey that will wake her up.

I just think it is better to call someone first. Think about it even though there are kids at home the parents might be spending some Mom and Dad time. My MIL never calls anymore and always shows up right when we are having dinner or just started watching a movie etc. my husband lets her know he isn't happy but she still does it. I am a MIL and a Grandma I never, never, never drop in on any of our kids without calling first they have their own lives. I just think it is rude to do that, now if it was an emergency or for a really good reason I wouldn't mind but doing it on a regular basis then NO call first. I guess some MIL's think the world revolves around them.

I wouldn't get in the middle of things between him and his mother. I tried to do that when my husband got so annoyed at his mother and wouldn't take her calls, but it just made me the bad guy, you know? She meant well, but her worrying and needing to be comforted and validated always got in the way. I was taken to the hospital once by ambulance, and she kept calling the ER to tell them to get me on the phone, so she could tell me how upset my HUSBAND was and I needed to call him and comfort him! I had to take a taxi home from the hospital (my husband was stuck in the city waiting for a train) and she called the taxi company and was patched through to the driver. Then she was ticked off that I didn't entertain her when I was home (I was in pain, thank you).

So I think you should have gone to the event with all kinds of apologies - "Oh I'm so sorry, Mom - I absolutely have to rush this food to the picnic. I SO wish I could stay and visit with you but I know you understand that I have to do the right thing." And then say, "Oh my goodness, I had no idea that you called - I SO wish that you had left a message!" Don't emphasize that you have caller ID and checked it. It will make her feel more rejected. You could say you heard the phone ringing and ringing, and you figured it was a wrong number or a telemarketer since no one left a message.

I might also have jumped up when she opened the door and said "Oh my, you startled me!! I was ready to call for help because I thought someone was breaking in."

For the cleaning advice, just say, "Thank you for sharing your opinion and letting me know." Then change the subject.

You could also comment now and then about how much you miss your husband when he is away and how much you two share when he is home - yard work, home maintenance, etc., and how busy he is having to cram it all in to the few days he is home. Say it like you worry about his stress, and how you worry about your own stress trying to carry the ball when you are home alone without him. Take her into your confidence that way - like of course she would share your concerns for him as well as for you.

But don't speak for him - if she calls crying and you don't know what was said, then stay out of it, with some diplomacy. Say that you know she has a special relationship with her son and you wouldn't dream of interfering.

She doesn't realize that she is driving him farther away - my MIL did that with my husband and it wasn't pretty. See if you can get him to make one call to her a week at a set time more or less - he can cram all his news into one 15 minute call that she can depend on. If he can make her feel important with that, then maybe she won't keep calling and coming by - she may just need to feel wanted.