Is it possible to get a 48 year old never married man who is still living with his 90 year old mother to get out and live independently? No job. Does almost no chores. But he does shop for her and drive her places. But she is beside herself with frustration. Can you imagine? - lots of posts on here about teens and twenty somethings living at home, but sometimes it lasts forever. She is still struggling with the questions - do I kick him out? Then what? Any suggestions?
Yes that is the problem - she feels guilty that he wont be able to cope when she is gone and the current situation is not helping him prepare. She pays for his gas, his food, of course housing, and all living expenses. She can't have house guests because of his dog . She pays a landscaper and a cleaning service because he does not do those chores. She can't sell her house and go to a smaller one because he needs room for his dog. No she doesnt want to live alone but he spends all day either in another room on the computer or goes out to the gym, so she is alone a lot anyway. Its just not much of an existence. The lesson is that it is really important not to let your adult children stay dependent - it doesnt serve anyone. Very sad.
90 seems pretty old to be expecting an almost 50 year old "child" to change. And besides, does she really want to live alone? Does she have anyone else willing to shop for her and drive her around?
I don't feel sorry for her but I do feel sorry for HIM, because what will happen to him when she is gone? Sounds like he will have nothing and no one :-(
I have a female relative who is 40 and is dating a man that is 60 living with his 80 year old mother. He has a part time job which pays very little. He is an active alcoholic and this life suits him perfectly. He never plans to leave or marry. He has a perfect life and the mother doesn't have to be alone. She will die and he will remain in the house drinking his inheritance. I also know a woman down the block who is 70 with her 50ish year old son living with her but he has mental health issues. There is always a reason so this sort of situation and its one you want absolutely no part of.
She is 90 and just asking about kicking him out? Im not sure if this question is for real now. She must need help at her age. I mean its past the point of no return now. Why bother?
Very sad. They are both locked into this situation which they have mutually allowed to continue for 25+ years. They are both getting benefit out of it even though they are both frustrated as well.
I don't think there's anything that can be done at this point, frankly. If she couldn't kick him out when he was 20 or 30 or 40, what's different now? She's more dependent on him now than she was then as she is so much older. If she didn't teach him the skills he needed way back when, just demanding that he leave is going to take too much out of her at this point.
He may feel that the house will eventually be his. Or, if there are other siblings who co-inherit, they will have to decide about selling the house out from under him (at which point he will have to find subsidized housing for someone who is emotionally disabled or whatever his problem is), or allowing him to continue living there as he always has (for as long as he can pay the upkeep and taxes).
I honestly think it's a little late for family counseling and all that. They are so set in their ways and, on some level, this situation has benefited them both for 48 years. I don't think there's some miracle that will make him get a job.
What a shame. I wonder why she's frustrated now, this long after she didn't put her foot down and make him grow up.
I think that at this point, she might as well just expect him to take care of her until she dies and not worry about what happens after she's gone. If she leaves him the house in her will, he can sell it and maybe live off the proceeds for a time.
I think I'd demand that the dog go in his computer room so she can have company. If the dog stinks up the house, that's a different problem.
I'm sure she has lots of regrets. Having made him a mama's boy is a very selfish thing for a mother to do. At least she understands she has made a mistake, though at this point, it's a little late...
most 90 year olds actually need someone around to carry the groceries in and the trash out, so it may well be either a codependency or a mutually beneficial arrangement, depending on how it's viewed.
seems kinda late now to kick him out. if she wanted to cut apron springs, she's a few decades too late. at this point she might as well let him stay and do what little he does to help. how he copes once she passes will be his to solve.
khairete
S.
I have a hunch that he has some sort of condition (possibly undiagnosed) that has prevented him from living a normal life and while she may be perturbed by it she is comfortable being uncomfortable. She has obviously never been in enough pain herself with this to push him into getting help or changing the lifestyle. (Is he possibly a bully who throws tantrums to get his own way?) It appears it actually works for them and if she is ninety I'm assuming she's at the point where she doesn't think there is much to do about it. Much like a person who marries an abusive spouse and then keeps having children instead of leaving. Oftentimes it is so much easier to stay despite the pain. Facing our fears of being alone comes in all ages.
Wait -- she's 90 and she doesn't need someone to help her? At this point in her life, she might need to keep him around, because if she doesn't need help yet, she will soon.
She has let him stay for a reason. It's symbiotic. He fills a need she has to not be alone and she keeps him from progressing to fulfill his life. When she's gone he might come out of his shell but it's not likely it will be to any great extent.
If she is aged and needs more care what she can do to push him from the nest is get the doc to say she needs to live in a senior place where a nurse is on call but not in nursing care. Like a senior apartment building where they have pulls in the shower and bathroom but it's not a nursing home, just a senior residence. They don't allow non married people to live in the home with them.
Perhaps you can find a few fliers or brochures and give them to her on the sly. If she truly wants him out of the house the house has to go away for a valid reason.
It's not looking good. My kids know that when they leave at 18, they are on their own to take care of themselves. That should have been established long ago. It is a sad situation. I'm sorry, wish I could have offered something positive...
She allowed all of it to happen. Now she needs to make some serious changes. She needs to stop paying his bills. And make other changes as well. And tell hmi to keep his dog in his room when she has guests. Stop cooking meals for him. He can cook his own. Basically, she needs to stop enabling him!
Oh do I feel ya on this one! If he has siblings this will be their problem when she passes. If he is on his own well it is his problem. She may feel bad about it now but nothing short of her death will make any changes. She's 90 and he does no chores? Girlfriend made that bed years ago, she can't fix it easily now! Maybe if she is trying to get things right by him now she can start by cutting him off.
But here is the real question: what is this to you? Unless you have a financial connection that has real impact on you, this is not your problem. As hard as it is to recognize, this is nothing you can change. You have to let go. Unless you think you will become responsible for this man - which again you do not have to - don't worry about it. Grab some popcorn when the woman dies though! Should be a great story.
Yes very sad. I don't see the point either at 90 for her to kick him out. My grandfather is 91 and moves around great so she might be another Betty White too, I just can't believe a grown man is doing this to his mother. I guess another reason not to enable our children.
