Meeting Ex's New Wife

I think it's always the best case scenario for the mom and stepmom of the kids to be friends. If not *friends* then at least very open communication and mutual respect. What could be better for the kids? Kids will only benefit by more loving people in their lives.
I'd say, after you meet her initially, invite her to lunch or something like that sometime in the near future! It will make it so much less awkward for everyone involved for many years and events to come!

It's best for the kids if things are not contentious at all. You are the mom and you need to be confident in that. It's great that you are not jealous of her and I'm sure that will come across to her. She's probably nervous as well. I would take the position that you are so happy for them (even if you couldn't care less!) and that you feel that a happy home situation on both ends is essential for the girls. If you welcome her into their lives, there hopefully won't be a competition.

My husband's ex was always so jealous and really mean about visitation. Constantly interfering, reinterpreting the agreement, and so on. We even had to reschedule our wedding (planned for "our" weekend) because she decided to mess with the agreement. So it caused a lot of problems. If you and your ex can get along, be flexible when necessary, and accommodate the kids' schedules, that will be great. If you can manage to invite both your ex and his wife to the kids' events (games, concerts, etc.), that's a good start.

If you can let her know that it takes a village to raise a child, and you welcome her involvement, great. You and your ex are still "the village elders" and call the shots - let her know that you appreciate your ex's willingness to work together with you up to this point, and you welcome her to join in on that system already working. I don't think you need to consult with her on things, but you do need to be prepared for the fact that the kids may ask her stuff or go to her first on some occasions. For example, my stepdaughter was with us when she got her first period - so I had to deal with it and unfortunately the mom wasn't the one who had that "privilege" - irked her to no end, but what could I do?

If the new wife is secure in the fact that you and your ex have a sort of shorthand between you after being married 22 years, great. If she knows that you are secure in the divorce and in your new life, even better. If you can let her know that you think the more positive role models of the same gender in the life of 2 girls, the better - outstanding. I'm not sure how old the girls are, but the more you can be allied when they go through the teen rebellion and hormone thing, the better off everyone will be.

If it's been 10 months, this new wife probably hasn't known your husband all that long. You might start by gentling inquiring about HER life and interests, and any nerves she might have about "instant family" and offer to be of help there. That's a good starting point, and then you can offer some of your own opinions/values.

Have drinks together, maybe? So that you guys aren't all on edge. I bet if she's normal, she's nervous about the meeting too. I agree that you need to know what kind of lady will be at home with your girls. But like GrandmaT says, make it less interviewish.

Wow, 10 mos and he's already remarried?
I'd say a casual lunch with the both of them would probably be a good ice breaker. Hopefully she understands your concerns as a mother and will be somewhat candid in conversation allowing you to get to know her personality.
Try to keep less "interviewish" and more of just a meet and greet type of thing. I'm sure the meeting will be uncomfortable for her to some extent.
I hope you like her. If you trust your husbands judgement, and I suppose you should since he loved you at one time, she's probably a good person.

Umm first wow I hope you were separated for a while! I was before my divorce- by the time of the actual divorce both of us were living with someone else. and had at least been introduced to the new adult in our children's lives. Really I don't think you need to spend more time than a few minutes with her unless you ex is going to move all the communication and child reaering to her- as some dad's tend to do. I don't do any communicating with my ex's new GF nor does he talk to MY SO. I do listen to my kids when they talk abut their time at their dad's and other than one time when my son called me to fuss about the new GF (she told my son & my ex to stop bickering...) ..
Good luck!

Well I have been there several times. I divorced my ex in 1997 and since then he's remarried a total of 4 additional times. So I've had plenty of experience meeting the new wife (flavor of the year/month is what I've called them due to the number). First one didn't go so well but that was because he cheated on me with her so I didn't have a good taste of her to begin with. But as time went on, it got better. Didn't much care for them all for how they treated our daughter. The only one that actually treated her with kindness was actually the first one but there was so many raw emotions involved that at the time I didn't see it. Later I did. My advice to you is to keep the line of communication open. Feel her out to see where she stands. See if you can tell if she is going to be hands on with your children or if she is just going to assist your ex. Depending on her attitude and behavior will determine how you need to handle her. If she causes nothing but issues or overstep her boundaries you may have to focus all your communication concerning your children strictly with your ex and hope that he enforces what ya'll agree on. Hopefully this new wife will be supportive and not be a hinderance. Be cordial but be sure to let her know what you expect. Put it in a way that it is a team effort, which it is, and that you all need to be on the same page. You need to try to have the same type of discipline at both homes if possible. I can tell you from experience how hard it is to deal with a child after they return home from being with the other parent if things are not consistent. One last thing, just remember to pick your battles and not to sweat the small stuff.

First off, good luck! Just be polite and courteous like you normally would be.

On a side note, I apparently TOTALLY forgot to tell my ex BF (father of my daughter) that I was getting married this weekend. When he asked when he was picking up the girls, I said 'oh no, I need them Saturday for the wedding'... he was like 'whose wedding?'... um.. MINE... Oops ;)

I have also never met his long term live in girlfriend (the dumb dumb who put DermaBond on my daughters scratch). I've offered many times to arrange a meeting, but she says she's 'scared of me'... whatever. It kind of bugs me I don't know who's around my kids (because I've heard a lot about her, but I don't judge until I've seen it first hand), but there's really nothing I can do. As long as my kids are happy on their visits over there, then I'm happy.

I agree, it's important for you to meet her. Like I said, just be polite like normal; be yourself. My MIL and step MIL are BEST friends... it freaks a lot of people out, but they truly do love each other to pieces. My MIL and FIL just weren't meant to be together... they're each with their soul mates now, and everyone gets along just fine with the exes!! :)

Go into the meeting with a clear head, remember to never talk bad about the parent(s), you can't control what happens at the other's home. Your girls now have two mommy figures even though you will always be the mommy. It will be so much easier if you all can co-parent and stay on the same page. My ex isn't always honest about what happens at his house with my daughter, now that she is old enough it is much easier, but when she was little it was much harder. Best of luck it is tough road ahead.

Wow, she's going to need all the help she can get... Three teen-age girls and she's not been a mom before...

I would recommned doing whatever you can do to keep the communication open between you, your girls, your ex, and his new wife.

I am neither old enough nor wise enough to give you advice on this, but I think you are doing correct in wanting to meet her and in thinking about working together for your girls. Good mama! :)
I hope your meeting goes well, and that your ex's new wife turns out to be a good person, both to you and your girls!

I am the step mother to twin step daugthers age 19, older step daugther of 28, and step son age 16. When my husband and I got together I had no children, now I have a 8yr old son. There are ups and downs in all relationships be honest and clear and all will be well.

My advice ~Pray before you go and bring her a gift to break the ice. Make sure you let her know that you will communicate with both of them concerning your girls. That's all God will truly work everything out.

wow. you are so right! you should have met this woman a long time ago. the fact that he waited until after the wedding and you had to ask says a lot about him. he's nonconfrontational to say the least. that means, she is more than likely going to be running the show at his house. This type of woman will be guarded and a little insecure. Therefore, I would make it as comfortable and nonconfrontational as possible. Don't make a big involved plan to meet in an akward manner at some quiet fancy restaraunt. Your opportunity to have an opinion went out the window when he and married her. You two don't need to set up a meeting to size each other up. You need to find a way to make it ok for your daughter. Throw a 4th of July bbq and if you are seeing anyone, have him there. It's important she not see you as a rival. That informal, relaxed, party setting will be a good ice brekaer. Have her bring a dessert.

I am going to give you a point of view from a daughter that suffered all her life for having divorced parents that could never, ever see eye to eye.

I think it is wonderful that you want to meet the person that is already in someway part of your daughters' lives. Wanting to get to know her and get all in the same page is sooo good. Being able to communicate and have in common the well being of your girls will make it good and easy for all of you involved.

I can not tell you how many very very sad moments and conflicts I had in my life due to the innability of my parents to be in peaceful terms. Even now, that my father is gone I love dearly his wife and that causes a big problem with my mom... can you belive it? after 37 years? and he is gone!!!

Being able to pass the ackward phase, getting over it as fast as possible, putting a side all that and just concentrating that you want to know this woman because she is going to spend time with your girls and is in your interest that the girls are treated right and have a supporting parenting style and a respectful peaceful stress free relationship where is possible to get along.

I know is possible, I have seen it with other families. The most important ingredient is the willingness and the maturity how the situation is handled.

I have seen a lot of divorced parents hang out without problem at the same parties, exwifes calling an even having a coffee (if needed) with the new wife. I have seen mothers calling the step moms to see if they could pick up the kids from...school - class or party.... you get the idea. Well managed this could be a person that can be your ally and not an enemy.

I hope to have been of help. I really admire your willingness to do the right thing for the wellbeing of your kids.

Good luck and tons of blessings!