Mean Girls - Pasadena,CA

Maybe this just isn't the school for her. People always instantly jump to the conclusion that kids need to work their way into a nitch to be "socialized" and "healthy". Parents never think about the possibility the entire cast of characters are "all" jerks...even the teachers. But it is possible. Depending on the culture and climate of the school, maybe it's just a bad fit for your child, and you need to start thinking about another situation for next year.

IMO, contrary to popular belief, I do not think switching schools or changing your game plan is setting her up for problems with learning to cope with different people and personalities in the future. As adults, if something doesn't work, we have a lot more flexibility to change our circumstances than our children do. Most kids are stuck going to the same school for 4 or more years, with no say in the matter, regardless if the teachers stink, the curriculum isn't challenging, or the kids are too clickish. And often this is to their detriment.

Keep in mind she may not have friends for many reasons. And those reasons could be rather noble and wise. People always imagine no friends means she has a problem. Perhaps for her, this is a well-thought out choice. If the girls are into fooling around with boys, stealing, or whatever is the popular form of hazing today is, or simply because she doesn't wear make-up, text-message friends during class, or have a face-book page, your daughter might not want friends enough to jeopardize her sense of morality or what's generally good conduct, or how you raised her to be.

Perhaps the girls are shunning her because of your economic status, race, ethnicity, or something that she can't change about herself. Should she be forced to deal with this if there are other opportunities for friends and education elsewhere?

Maybe she is very spiritual, and the others are not. Just as you say, catholic schools sadly don't guarantee producing faith-filled kids and teachers. Maybe she's academically advanced and is being ostracized because of it. Should she be punished because she has a brain, or hide her gift just for some friends?

IF she hasn't already done so, ask her to tell you why she thinks these girls are so unfriendly. Ask her if she's choosing not to make friends on purpose and why. Ask her if the teachers are unsupportive, or even contributing to the problem. Many teachers pick favorites, or even encourage clickish behavior. If you're not the pet, life can be pretty hellish at school.

Depending on her answers, consider allowing her to help you find a different school next year. Switching to a different private school or even homeschooling (along with joining a co-op through your parish or neighboring parish with a strong homeschooling community) might be the answer. If a change of schools isn't the answer, you can encourage her to feel good about her choices not to choose friends for the sake of having them. This can be noble, if the choice is for the right reasons. Reassure her by letting her know you're there for her, and spend more time with her after class doing fun things together.

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I would suggest finding an outside activity away from school that she would enjoy. Sometimes getting away from the "clique" is helpful. A church group, a camp, starting her own bookclub. Is there something she has a special interest in? Even learning a musical instrument like guitar. She won't make friends that way but it will help her self-esteem........plus other kids think anyone who can play a guitar is cool.

Also, you said she has joined clubs. Would she be comfortable having girls from one of those clubs over for a slumber party or community project? Make your house open. That can really help.

one more thing......it may not help, but there was a movie called "Mean Girls"......that tells ya something about the teen years, but to answer your quesiton, NO, it's not too late for the school year. Keep plugging away to help her find another girl more like her.

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Does her homeroom teacher have an idea of another very soft spoken, quiet girl who need a friend?
When is her birthday? Maybe have a birthday party at a rollerrink for her.
CAn she volunteer somewhere? OUr hs has kids volunteer for a scholarship, so one of mine works at the library. She could go to the animal shelter, the kennel, library, soup litchen, etc.
Have her invite one of the girls from her lunch group or one of her after school clubs to your house to do homework.
Good luck. I feel for your daughter.

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All she really needs is 1 good friend. There has to be at least 1 other girl at school who feels the same way as your daughter...left out. I would encourage her to branch out and talk to someone maybe she thought she normally wouldn't ever talk with. If she can make a connection with just 1 girl, the rest of HS will be a breeze.....you really need friends ...but 1 good one is way better than trying to fit in with a whole group of so-so ones's.

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I can totally empathize with your daughter.I was totally alone in junior high, and somehow things just came together later in high school. If she wants to take active steps to make friends, I would say she should look around and decide who is really worth her while, then find a way to reach out. That might just be something like switching where she sits in a class or striking up a conversation at lunch. If she's willing to get a teacher involved, she or you could ask a teacher to make sure she gets matched up with a particular person or group for a group project. I used to teach high school, and I could easily find ways to bring together or separate certain people while making it look totally random and not calling attention to anybody. Sometimes teachers will let groups of kids use their rooms at lunch for whatever. She could start a discussion or interest group and they could meet in Ms SoandSo's room, or maybe just at a certain table. But no matter what, I hope she can understand that many people are miserable during the teen years. It shouldn't have to be that way, but sometimes you just don't fit into a certain community, and have to wait until the next stage of life to find kindred spirits. I HOPE that's not the case, but if it is, try to help her look ahead -- the world usually gets a lot bigger after high school.

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Please, please, please read the book "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons.

I went through this in high school and there are still scars to this day, and I'm 38 years old. Girl bullying has gotten out of control with the cell phones, computers, texting, etc. It was bad 20 years ago, but now it's a whole new and crueler ballgame. It doesn't sound like she is getting bullied horribly at this point, but the way girls think and why they act the way they do is all explained in the book. If you understand the mind of a teen girl(as best we can), it may help your daughter to be able to find the way in to a group or the right group, for that matter. I applaud you for listening to your daughter and not blowing off her struggles. Many parents really don't know what to do, so they don't do anything. Or, they don't believe that it's really that bad. It is. So, get a copy of "Odd Girl Out". Get two copies. One for you and one for your daughter. Then, when you are done, you can lend them out to your friends. I have purchased 3 copies over the past several years and I have no problem giving them away to mothers of girls.
Good luck to you and your daughter - I hope and pray you two get through this together with as little drama as possible. :)
*Have I mentioned getting the book "Odd Girl Out'????????? LOL!!!!

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Let her have friends outside of school. Find her a special "clique" that she can have a camaraderie with outside of campus. Let her join a group, sport, some sort of team?..choir? cheerleading, dance? (again...not affiliated with school)

Let her know that school is just a place for learning and getting along with people around you (don't get involve with drama and don't make enemies..but not necessarily have to be BEST FRIENDS anyone)...

She doesn't have to REVOLVE her whole teenage life around campus....'cause she already has friends and better things going on OUTSIDE of campus! :)

And sometimes a quiet, nice girl who may not be the 'popular, center-of-attention" kind, may still be respected by others from afar and is treated nicely towards is okay. As long as she's not being bullied.

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Welcome to teenage girls! I was miserable in high school... It helped shape my character though. Don't give up on her- ever! PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! Pray without ceasing! She can find friends. It might just take a lot of prayer... Yes, teenage girls are VERY mean.

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