Marriage Issue - Los Angeles,CA

I started feeling very similiar after being home wiht my kids for 5 years. My salvation was going back to work. I wasn't planning to go back to work - but a situation just feel into my lap that I was perfect. It changed my total outlook. I realized that I needed to be away from the kids to appreciate them more. When my husband got home, I just wanted him to help out and take the kids -- so anytime we had together was minimal and often resented by me. I am not saying things are perfect now, but they are a lot better.

Somedays I wish I had more time to spend with the kids, but I can always take an extra day off work or come home early - so I don't feel like I am missing too much. My kids seems happier too.

Your situation sounds a little like mine. My boyfriend has good days and bad days. His bad days end up not want to be intimate and usually saying he would rather be by himself. Before I was not working a full time job and going to school, so I was dependent on him for support. I basically had to take it. Now since June I am working a decent job and still going to school so I have the funds from the student loans after disbursement. I finally told him he could leave or I could go. He apologized. But nothing is ever repaired, so don't think it is. The very next week when I brought up an issue with his ex wife, I got criticized and the same old thing came out again. I told him again he could find a new place or vice versa. The issue, no one ever moves fast enough before the good times roll around again. If you think the problem is just you, then seek counseling. Maybe once you find some answers bring him in for couples counseling. Your children are very young and they will think that this is normal behavior in a relationship to be fighting and arguing all the time. The arrangement you have is that way so your children don't have to be in daycare. Do you want to go out and get the job so he can stay home with the kids? It is always frustrating to clean up or do something and feel it is not appreciated. The attitude then becomes public. Get the kids to help out and make a game out of it. Maybe make a list of what you did for the day or send him a message, then ask him how his day is going at work. Come up with a task for him everyday so that he can feel like he is contributing but it is not something that you will get upset with if he doesn't do right. Save the towels and socks for him to fold? Or the salad to make? I leave the george foreman grill for my boyfriend to clean. He pretty much isn't allowed to do much else. LOL. I have modified my negativity a great deal. If he still has anger towards me, then I know that there is something deeper at play here because there is not much else I can do. I am still open to us separating if necessary because I am not going to be in a unhealthy situation. But, you must ask yourself can you support yourself and two kids alone? Do you even want to? Try talking before being intimate let that serve as a sort of foreplay.

Wow, I just posted a question looking for marriage counselor suggestions in my area, but a lot of what you described is similar to my own situation. I am also in school part-time and during the day stay home with my three kids - 5, 2 and 1. Unfortunately, my husband and I didn't communicate well during the time when our relationship was suffering and he thinks he wants a divorce. So much of our behaviors are cyclical - I act this way because he acts one way, which leads me to respond another way and causes him to act in a different fashion - we couldn't pinpoint exactly which one of us was at fault in the relationship because it was clear that we were both contributing to the bad cycles. I knew that I was being overly critical and unaffectionate, but couldn't figure out how to change it. Bear in mind that he isn't completely blameless either. Instead of trying to talk to me about his frustrations with the lack of intimacy in our marriage, he cut off communication and started sleeping on the couch. I honestly thought it was another phase in our marriage that would pass and I was caught completely off guard to find that my husband was so unhappy with our relationship that he felt divorce would be preferable to staying in the marriage.

I feel like our critical mistake was ignoring our relationship and focusing on the kids. My husband is an adoring and involved father, I really couldn't ask for a better dad for our kids. He has told me that he feels the same way about me as a mother and recognizes that I have sacrificed a lot of myself to be home with our kids. Somewhere along the line, we quit talking to each other and spending time together as a couple. I can count on one hand the number of times we have gone somewhere without our kids during the last 5 years.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would have insisted that we spend more time together as both a family and a couple instead of taking the divide-and-conquer approach to raising our children. I think that I also might have sought out counseling for myself earlier. In hindsight, a lot of my behaviors probably stemmed from anxiety and/or depression. I don't feel like I coped very well with the stresses of being a mom and a wife. I can't control the fact that my husband kept his frustrations bottled up inside for so long, but I can control how I act and respond to things that stress me out. My marriage may be irreparably damaged and it kills me that it didn't need to get to this point.

I noticed that a few people have suggested that you give up school - I have also considered the additional stress that school has placed on my marriage, but the mental satisfaction I feel from actually using my brain again is something that I had been missing for a long time as a SAHM. I think I would probably feel very resentful if I quit school at this point. I also think that our problems would still exist even without school as part of the equation. For me, my return to school has actually improved how I feel about my role as a mostly-SAHM. Unfortunately, most of the damage to my relationship was done long before I decided to head back to school.

I wish you the best with your marriage and hope that you and your husband can get through this period with your marriage intact.

Well, I think it's great that you are realizing that your attitude has a lot to do with it! Raising little ones is a very, very, VERY stressful time in a marriage. This is when a lot of people give up. "On your nerves" and bad marriage are NOT synonymous!
It gets easier and less stressful as they grow. It sounds like you love your husband and he does sound like a great guy. Of course when you take the kids places during the day it's "you and the kids"!!! Your husband is at work, right? Providing for the family, yes?
Schedule a sitter and have a few date nights. Utilize the "me time" you have not just cleaning or studying but doing something YOU enjoy--by yourself, or with a girlfriend. I'll bet your attitude improves. Good luck!

Please don't give up on your marriage. Your husband sounds like a great man, father and husband.

That being said, I am in your same shoes. Same feelings. Same issues. I know my husband is a great man and father, yet I feel like nothing he does is good enough. I apologize for my outbursts all the time and cry about my reaction because I know he doesn't deserve it, and quite frankly, I'm scared that one day HE will have enough and leave me.

Yet I can't explain my emotions and I can't control my outbursts.

I realize this is an issue I have. I really feel that throwing children into the mix (especially so close in age) really causes so many changes so fast that our brains don't know how to deal with it all... causing us to feel overwhelmed 24/7.... causing us to be mean and bitchy and unhappy.

I have realized that when I make time for ME time, I feel much more in control of my life. I recently signed up to a women's only gym that offers classes with other women my age AND free childcare while I work out, because it kills 2 birds with one stone: Socializing and working out/feeling better about myself.

Sometimes, just getting out of the four walls that are your house makes all the difference in a person's attitude.

I don't have much advise to offer. Perhaps reading this and knowing that there is other moms like you out there will help in some small way.

I am a mom of 4 children, ages 5, 4, 3 and 2 1/2 months and have been married for 8 years...

It's hard to not have a crappy attitude with little kids and all the demands of life. Why are you in school? Quit school until the kids are in school, is my advice. The mother sets the mood and tone of the home and the kids are little mirrors of her mood. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. You have too much to do, so cut down and simplify. You already know you have a bad attitude. You probably have a bad attitude because you are too tired and don't have a good balance in your life. Move to a smaller house if you have to, get rid of a lot of the extra junk in your house, eat healthy foods, get exercise daily, get relaxation time daily.

If you keep doing things the way you are doing, you are going to start getting sick more often and your kids are going to model your reactions to stress.

The first question is "Do you have to finish school right now?" I found when I went back to school it was really hard to raise a family, be a wife and mom. It had to go in the backseat again. I was no longer a single woman who only had to take care of herself and what she wanted. I was a wife and a mother. I needed to be there for my husband and my children. Which I wasn't. There is a time and a place for education. I needed my children to be older. Even with a very supportive husband, which is how your husband seems. You are just on overload. You need to make them your priority and that is how to get your loving feelings back. You two need date nights, time to spend with just each other. You need to do something special for him each day so that he knows how much you really do love him. Don't expect reciprocation. Do it because it is the right thing to do. Your job is raising your children right now. If you can stay home to do that, then you are blessed. There are some things in life that you have to leave on the back burner for the right time. Think about it and discuss it with your husband. He seems to really love and support you. Include him in all of these feelings that you are having. Solve it TOGETHER!

You have already gotten so many confirmations that this is so normal, but I just want to add another. It actually helped me to read your post and all the responses because I am going through the same thing right now too!! Married 5 years... I work full-time and am in school, plus my husband works nights. My daughter is almost 3 and has pretty much given up naps, therefore our only together time are his 2 nights off (normally, but one of those nights is now taken by me going to school for this semester). So we have ONE night a week together.

My husband is also a wonderful father and very helpful around the house. He isn't always in the best of moods, which is partially my reasoning for being aggravated towards him. But my feelings match yours and I have been so confused on how to handle it. I don't want to live without him because I truly do love him and would miss him so much, so why can't I feel differently?

I know this offers no advice, but is purely for you to know that you are not alone. If you end up getting some really good advice that works for you, please let me know! Thanks and Good Luck!

sounds like you're right and your attitude needs to change. take responsibility for feeling down and work on making it better. take one day at a time and follow those rules you two set up before. stop going to night school to relieve some stress and have more family time. hire a babysitter so you two can go out on dates. take up a hobby so when your kids are sleeping you have something to make you happy personally. find some playdate friends so when you go out during the day you have a woman to hang out with and chat. make your life more rewarding by embracing it WITH your husband and children instead of thinking they are a burden. your life would be very dull and unrewarding without them, so you have to work to keep them. :)

I think we all go through periods where we feel this way-the stress gets to us and we break down. I heard the term "touched out" once it made sense-you get touched all day long by the kids that your need to be touched is gone by the time he gets home and it actually seems annoying. Getting some me time to unwind and relax helps a lot. I'm a homebody so it takes a little while before it happens but sometimes we all get cabin fever. Maybe you can sit down and talk to your husband about it and work through some of it. Get out with a girlfriend for a few hours. Take a break from schol if possible. And be honest with yourself-go see your doctor. Sometimes it's anxiety or depression and we need help or even a hormone imbalance can be to blame. Before I got pregnant with this child I was feeling that way, I was an emotional time bomb and had outbursts all the time, then I cried and apologized and repeated. I ended up on anxiety medicine and my husband said it was like he had his wife back. It's not like all the problems disappeared but I felt like I was back in control of myself and felt better towards my husband. I wish you luck!

Hello, I am 33 and a mother of two girls, ages 3 and 6. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, but are filing for divorce (due to my husbands multiple affairs), and I am torn up about it. My children won't grow up with there mother and father in the same home, experience family vacations, and have to split holidays and weekends between him and I. I know marriage is hard, but in my experience, divorce is harder. It sounds like you have a good man who tries to be helpful and still sees you as an attractive woman. You are lucky. My advise is for you to see a counselor and try to figure out your feelings that he isn't good enough for you. He sounds like someone alot of women, including me, would be thankful to have. Good luck and God bless.

sounds to me like you need a some...YOU time and a LOT of you and him time...away from the house, NOT after the kids go to bed but just GET AWAY.

make it a habit to have date nights at least once a week if you can.......get time alone. if you have to put your kids in day care so you can get time to yourself.

one thing my husband and i practice FAITHFULLY is once a week date nights (usually fridays) and once a month a night out away from eachother...him out with the guys and me out with the girls (we alternate months)

sounds to me like you're depriving yourself, get that alone time that you need and that alone time that your marriage needs and make the hubby take time to take the kids out just him and the kids

if you can get into these habits it'll make stressful times a breeze.

It sounds like.... a big passive aggressive type of thing you have toward him.
Perhaps 'anger' or resentment or just wanting things to be different etc.
So, because he is the closest thing to you (ie: he's your Husband), you are taking it out on him... for whatever frustrations YOU have.

My Husband, is like that.
When HE is stressed or whatever... he takes it out on me. And then yes, we Argue a lot more. Because of him, because of his attitude toward me... and I will not put up with it.
Why should I?
WHENEVER my Husband is stressed/busy/over-worked... he then becomes "Mr. Perfect" and a perfectionist... and then "I" am the one who is so NOT perfect ENOUGH. Ever.
And then he picks on me.
Like you do to your Husband.
It is NOT fun, being the Spouse of someone like that.
Believe me.
That is WHY... you both fight so much. It is because of your attitude.

Whenever my Husband does that to me... I TELL HIM... point blank. Because it is a bad HABIT on his part. And I am NOT a door-mat nor his venting dump.
If he is stressed fine... but don't be passive aggressive about it NOR pick on me as though HE is so perfect and I am not.
Because... NO ONE is perfect. And no one should have to live under a microscope with a Spouse that is that way.

I might add... that my Husband has improved in doing this. But it took TIME. And my repeated telling him and my not putting up with it.
AND it is hard for the other Spouse, because they end up having to walk-on-eggshells around you. And that feat in itself... is very nerve-wracking and frustrating. So then.. the other Spouse gets REAL stressed out and frustrated too... as a result.
If your Husband is "never" good enough... and you constantly has passive-aggressive picking on him... believe me... it will push him away and he will get fed up.
I did.
I told my Husband... I CANNOT LIVE THAT WAY... anymore.
It was unbearable.
Again, my Husband turned into MEGA-PERFECTIONIST... whenever he was stressed/frustrated/over-worked. And I then became... so imperfect.

You both... need time of. Separately for "me" time... and together. Just to appreciate what you have.

all the best,
Susan

I have oh so been here. Still am kind of. I think this could have been written about me. Working full time on a modified schedule to I am nearly a FT SAHM too. Plus taking a full load on college, online so the schedule is modified but the work is more independent. Team mom. One of my biggest sanity savers was signing up for flylady.net She helps you get your house under control. Even if you do not follow her always it will help. I think I found myself resenting my husband. I felt I could find a trail of him and what he did when he got home. Each little mess I found I would hear myself say I hated him. I really didn't but kept hearing it in my head so in a way started to beleive it. Some days I would tidy up and go to work. When I came home it was a disaster. Ugh. Then I was like you want to what??? (intimacy) NO way. Look at this place. My mom listens to dr. laura and she says "DO IT ANYWAY." So i did more often than not and it got better. But one of the best things I learned from flylady was "house work done incorrectly still blesses my family." She also talks about stinkin' thinkin' which is negative thoughts you keep having that you just might start to believe (like I hate my husband). and not becoming a martyr. Hubby and I had a chat about it all. When we feel stressed we make a time to talk. Flylady helped us both to get on small routines. My husband saw my side of the coin. we are not perfect, but we are better. We have more understanding. I am almost done with school so that will be nice. I often wonder what I will do with all my free time. =0) It is hard but you can get through it. Good luck to you.

M.,
You are on the right track being able to admit that it is you that has an attitude toward your husband. If you can admit that, you can start to change this behavior and not lose your husband. You have to look at your life as a blessing and not a burden. There are so many people out there that do not have a loving and supportive husband as you have described. There are women who can't have children or who have lost children. You have to look within yourself to be happy. You are putting it off on your husband and no matter how much he tries to help, he cannot MAKE you happy. Try to really look at what you can do to feel better about yourself. I recently joined a gym as a way of doing something good for myself because I felt that I was going 100 miles an hour for everyone else and I didn't feel good about myself or take any time for myself. It gets me out of the house and I feel so good after exercising. Maybe you need something like that. It is great that you are going to school at night, just make sure it is not stressing you out and you are taking it out on your husband and kids. I think a lot of stay at home moms feel some of these feelings. You can spend every hour of the day on the kids and the house. Make time to do something that makes you feel good so that you can show your family how much you love and appreciate them. This will be a win-win situation for everyone.

Marriage issues are normal. It's times like these that we have to work hard to come together and work it out...then your love for eachother will grow even more than it is now. Do everything you can to bring your love back to where it was. Remember your wedding day and how in love you felt then.

We had a very similar experience in our marriage. It turned out I had post partum depression and needed to go on antidepressants. I finally feel normal again and we instantly started getting along better.
Something to consider...

seek counseling before you throw away all of the good you have. You are struggling, striving, & appear to feel as if you're sinking......time to get help!

I wish you Peace......& asking us for help is your first step towards that peace....so Kudos to you!

Sounds like me when I get cabin fever. Can you take a day or even a couple hours to get out on your own? Not for studying or homework, but to go have some fun? Or a night out with your husband? When I get in a rut, I so need to break it up even if it is just going out with the family to lunch on the weekend. Maybe you need to take the next quarter/semester off school to focus on family and relax, and then get back into it? Do you and your husband have the type of relationship where you can tell him what is going on? Be frank. That you appreciate him and what he does, but are in such a rut right now you are having a hard time being nice and showing him how much you care.

Hi M.,

Marriage is work, as you know, and many of us fall in and out of love with our partners all the time. If you have the time, Wednesday evenings Dr. Pat Allen has group meetings where you can pose questions and she gives little lectures on psychology and relationship issues. It only costs $10 and is well worth the price, you will learn a lot. She's located in Newport beach and I think the lectures start at 7pm. One of the statements she says that I like is, "Act as if, and the feelings will follow."

Good luck on your journey,
Wendy

Maybe you are trying to do to much . Maye you have to see a doctocter so the docter can help you cope with your live the children will grow you and you will get your live back you cnnot do everthing at once relax good luck A. no hills

you sound - understandably - really overwhelmed. Is it possible for your kiddos to do some preschool a couple mornings/week? Maybe even 3? It would give you study time (i'm in school as well - with 3 little kids - so i know how hard it is to get time to study) as well as some time for yourself - even if it's just to go to Target by yourself.
don't give up on yourself or your husband. it sounds like you have great things going on in your life, but that it's a LOT of stuff.
and remember - nothing lasts forever! you will get through school. your kids will grow and eventually go to school themselves.
you can do it!

you are not alone. what you have described is something that other wives go through. you are tired and overwhelmed. but i don't think you should read too much into it. if you can afford a babysitter, maybe once or twice a week, i think that'll make a big difference. that should allow you some "I" time to be alone or with your friends, without your kids. you just need time to "breath." i know that's additional expense on your part, but if it would mean a better relationship with your husband, i think it should be worth it.

it sounds like you guys need to institute a regular date night!
you guys obviously love each other and you want to make this work.
it takes two to get a divorce and it takes two tp stick it out!
marriage is hard! im not going to lie to you and tell you that some people have a fairy take marriage, because if they think they do then they are lying to themselves!
take some time off with your hubby, spend some special time with just him!
remember why you fell in love with him.
maybe get some counseling, nobody is perfect, everyone could benefit from counseling.

Hi Micheele I have been married for 29 years to my husband a wonderful man, but at times I have felt the same way you do, not when my kids were growing up, I lived for them, but after they have been grown, and you know what it is ungreatfulness. do you know how many women would die to have a husband who helps them the way yours does. During the day your husband is at work while you are, and while your husband is at home you are at school. I have no problems with grown woman pursuing their education, but after you have raised your family, just my opinion OK so don't freak out on me. I think the real problem is, is that you and your husband don't have the time together that a husband and wife need to keep things good, we all fill stuck, no mater how good a job, home, school, is we all still feel stuck at some point or another, for me micheel I would rather be stuck at home with a loving family, than stuck inn a situation where I am all alone and trying to raise a family by myself, where ever you are in life, there are many who would give anything to be where you are. enjoy it, love and take care of your husband, if taking on line classes will give you more time for your husband then do it, who says you have to leave home to go to school? things are different now. Hope this helps. If you would like to talk further you can e-mail me at ____@____.com J.

Welcome to the happiness of married with children!!
Marriage is in most cases not happiness and peace
Children most often distance the couple and not unite them.
And so, no matter what one or both partners are tired, stressed and/or simply bored with the life that one days looked like a dream.
Kids meanwhile start noticing the unhappiness that their parents show and most time blame themselves for that behavior; they also sense impending divorce and/or separation. Now all in the family are stressed out and most likely the culprit will be the break up or the family.
Unless...
Both parents want to fix this situation in the best interest of the children and head out to the nearest church for advice. Yes I've found church to be far more effective to unite families and solve family issues than any therapy.
Make yourself and your family a favor and the take above advice and act on it immediately.