Marital Problems

I'm so sorry to hear that. That is the last thing anyone wants to hear from their spouse. It isn't over til it's over and even then, it isn't over. Fight for him. Remember how it was when you were dating and totally in love with each other. When you get up each morning, think of one thing that you can do for him to make him feel loved and appreciated. Don't force him to have feelings for you or expect anything from him, just love him, adore him, admire him and respect him. Do it without any strings. There is not much else you can do. You can love him and give him space too. I wish you the best!! HUGS!

Hello L.,
I understand exactly how you feel. I am going through thisvright now! This past July I had a similar conversation with my husband of 12 years. It us heart breaking. I have stayed home for 10 years with my children. My pain is still constant but a few things that I have learned/ helped are counseling is good. If he won't go you STILL go. We are all broken and if you find s counselor that takes that approach it would be beneficial. My husband who says he is unhappy and doesn't know why- he started individual counseling to figure it out. I was in so much pain and so angry I started individual counseling too. We have had just two sessions together and while we are opening up to one another like never before, things are said that are very painful. A book I read which I found to be very insightful is called Getting the Love You Want. Of course I read this immediately and my husband still has not. Another book recommended to my husband by our counselor was His Needs Her Needs. My husband doesn't really know what his needs are so I surely can't fill them when I don't know what they are. Your husband owes it to you, himself, and your kids to do everything possible to make it work. Your kids will end up broken and will have dysfunctional relationships likely from this split. They need to be shown what a happy family looks like, so they can imitate it later. I wish invalid say the pain gets better but it doesn't. YOU have to decide if you want to make it work..dont let him decide for you! I take it day by day. The holidays have been extremely difficult but I am trying to make the best of a horrible situation! You may find that deep beneath the surface you are unhappy too.. Do things that make you happy irregardless if your husband does them or not. I have applied to over 50 jobs and have had two calls and I was overqualified because I had my college degree. As mothers we want to protect our kids but you'll be okay. You have to come to accept that. I do believe you need to tell your family if that is all you have because you will crave love since you have none now. I could go on forever...hang in there. Good or bad you will survive. Just focus on one day at a time!! I would love to help or be an ear for you.

Your post makes me so sad for you too, what horrible news to hear right now. But what's really important is continuing on with what you need to take care of every day, being there for the kids, taking care of yourself.

I've had 2 close friends who went through the exact same thing with their spouses. And for some reason, once the guy broke the news, the girl became like super clingy to the guy and behaving in a very submissive manner that's really unattractive...basically they became people that I didn't recognize because they were really strong, wonderful, funny women. But it was like they became almost desperate to keep the guy.

So that being said, you can't control what he's feeling. What you CAN do is hold your head up high, know that you're doing your best for your family, and maybe join some kind of exercise class to make you feel great. Basically keep forging ahead and show him that while you really want him to stay, you can't force him, and if that's his choice, then you're still going to be fine.

After 18 years I bet he's going to realize that he's got it pretty darn good with you and that there's not anything better out there. Better than the mother of his children? Not happening. So stay strong and true to yourself. Turn on some music. Dance, cook, whatever makes you happy and control the things you can control. He'll figure it out if you give the space to do so and stay patient.

Let us know what happens!!

Tell him to do what he needs to do but
to know one thing, and that is that you love him and want to be with him and you are willing to hear any suggestions he may have to help you guys in getting those old feelings back but do not beg him to stay. Work on you! Get healthy and sexy! Go on a girls night out. I did when my husband left and I lost 23lbs and changed my hair color and style and next thing I knew he was looking at me in a whole different way! I reinvented myself and started liking myself again and that is a very powerful thing! Love yourself first before anyone can love you back. Some times we get so stuck in a rut when it comes to marriage and raising a family that we forget WE are individual beings. We are women first then wives then mothers.
Good luck and God IS listening! Like Garth Brooks song: "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers", well HE will give you an answer but it may not always be the one you are asking for so be prepared for anything and always remember to give thanks to Him.
God bless sweetie!

He said: he still loves you, is attracted to you... but there just isn't any "magic?"
Sorry, but what does he expect... that it is like a TV romance show every day???
That is not what marriage or couple-dome is.

It is in HIS head. He is expecting 'magic'... to just happen. But that is not life. He ain't no Brad Pitt. Even he ain't no love magician. Sorry.

"Magic" does not happen.. nor everyday... nor just happens. It takes WORK.

Now... well he said he felt like this for YEARS. Now he drops the bomb on you.

Maybe... and this does happen to LOTS of men... MAYBE he has just been having an identity crises, and age crises, is having a hard time aging... can't let go of his youth.... or his ideas about maturity.

Once, my husband told me something similar. We have been married 13 years. Still are. I told my Husband... life and marriage AIN'T no fairy-tale.... and he is SUPERFICIAL to think... that "I" have to be his everyday "magic" all the time... and that "I" have to be RESPONSIBLE for keeping the 'magic' in our lives... when he is NOT even... doing anything himself... to make it happen.
I pretty much... told my husband off. I know him... better than he knows himself. I told him... I am NOT a tv show... I am NOT Angelina Jolie.... I am NOT... the sole responsible party... for making ALL the so called "magic" happen... in OUR marriage. And that I am TIRED of being his scape-goat for his personal hang-ups. Because it is HIM... that HE needs to work on. Instead of making it 'me' that is at fault... or the reason he has for not handling his getting older... very well. Because I... have always.... been so darn flexible and accommodating to him... and although I am not perfect either.... it has not always been fair. Nor has he been very thoughtful of me. In ALL these years.

My Husband, I know him well. When he told me something similar to what your Husband said... I told him... he can leave. But, he will not be happy... either. Because the BOTTOM line is... HE is not happy... with... HIMSELF. So, sure he can leave. I know, that he is just blaming me... for his.... own.... self-issues. And to make everything so superficial... that the "magic" is not there in our marriage... is so insulting... to me... and as his Wife. Because... unless he is a Fairy who can make magic instantly like in fairy-tales... that is life. And he better... grow up.

We have had our issues. Still do. But... I know, when it is my husband not being happy with HIMSELF... or if it is a "couple" problem and a me, problem.

Anyway... YOUR Husband himself... has to dig deep. He has to figure himself out. As you said, HE said he still loves you, is attracted to you.... but there just isn't any 'magic.'

tell your Husband... to grow up.
He ain't a child. He IS getting older... it is about time, he OWN his own issues with himself.

all the best,
Susan

L.,
You are not alone. Millions of couples survive times such as this and if their commitment is strong enough to see them through the tough times, they often will find they grew closer because of times like these and look back and find they are much happier than ever before! His withdrawal is a symptom that it is time for your relationship to grow and become stronger, kind of like a growing pain! You have many needs and since you felt relatively secure in your relationship, most of your needs have probably been getting met. When men withdrawal, that is their way of saying, "my needs aren't getting met." So here begins the growth...first you need to figure out what his needs are that aren't being met. (This by no means will be hard work. If done properly it can be a fun and VERY rewarding exploration because as he sees his needs being met, he will automatically be returning the love to you!) BIG WARNING HERE: GUYS DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF SO DON'T TRY AND SIT HIM DOWN TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEEDS. That doesn't work but rather makes men isolate themselves even more. Instead, I recommend you read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that once you learn what it is that makes him feel loved, it will be easy to do. I've seen this technique used to enhance many couple's relationships including my own!
Before you get into reading the book, here is some other helpful advice about what men need. Most men aspire to being the provider and protector of the family and need to hear the appreciation for doing a good job! Noticing their contributions no matter how big or small and being thanked for them goes a long way. After being together for so long, most women get into the bad habit of not showing their appreciation on a daily basis and actually begin pointing out their husband's short comings which is then seen as nagging. Try not to criticize anything he does for 1 month but rather make an effort to praise him for at least one thing every day during that month. You will notice a huge change in him!
Bring back the fun! Plan a special evening just for him without the kids around. Let him pick the activity and try not to talk about the kids or your "troubles" during this date. Reassure him that you you have so much fun when you are with him...he is after all, your best friend. I even recommend play wrestling. Guys love it and let him chase you around the room or the house. This one activity is like a light switch in a man's brain that reminds him that you are so much fun to be with! Then once he catches you, wrap up the evening with some uninterrupted intimate time. If you are having an urge to talk about your relationship that night, simply say "I love you and I want you to show me how to love you better." Let him do the rest of the talking. But for the most part, keep this evening all about FUN and help him remember why you are so easy and fun to be with.
Finally, he may not be into counseling but you both may enjoy a marriage education class which is totally different than counseling. There are classes in every state that have been federally funded that provide couples with the tools to reconnect, like the Love Languages, conflict resolution skills, communication techniques, the 5 bonding dynamics and much more! Go to www.smartmarriages.com for a course near you. These classes are fun and rewarding in many ways! I happen to work for an organization called Marriage Works! Ohio and I have attended many workshops myself! Good luck and don't give up loving him! This may seem like you have to do "all the work" but you won't be for long. He will return the favors and then some! It shouldn't be "hard work" to express how much you appreciate them being in your life!
Let me know how it goes.

So sorry you are going through this. I think the women who have told you to take care of yourself are on the right track. I went through a rough patch with my husband once when he did something similar. He could be kind of addicted to drama when he was younger - okay, we both could be. I played the omg, I'm so scared you're going to leave me role for 6 of the most painful months of my life. Then I got some self confidence somewhere and left while he was on a trip. Moved right out. He was on the phone to me before the movers set my things down. Now, I didn't have any kids left at home and I was working so I'm not suggesting you try it. I just mean that living with this hanging over your head is so difficult that I think you should just go on, life as normal. Do some things that make you feel good about you - take a class, lose some weight, get a new hairstyle. Be fun to be around but don't play into the omg, don't leave me. If he comes back later and says he wants a divorce, well, I guess it could happen, but he's going to have to be a little more forthright than obscure statements about the magic. Stay strong, so sorry again that he is being so hurtful.

I would talk to him about finding a cheap place to rent for himself, while he is also paying the bills towards the family's house/electric/cable/etc as before. Give him time to realize life without you there. Try to seek counseling for yourself at this point, you need to realize that this isn't your fault. Try to have couple's therapy - - and do NOT have sex with him until he passes 3 STD/HIV tests done every 3 months.

You have your children to think of - put them first, yourself second and your wayward husband LAST.

Honestly, I think he is sounding a little flaky. He's attracted to you and still loves you but there's no "magic"? Really?
Sounds like 1 of 2 things to me: a mid-life crisis or another "magical" woman.
I would see if he is willing to try counseling--you can use your "fun" money for that for now.
Counseling could really help. I'd give it a try! He just doesn't sound like he knows what he's talking about--he's describing a marriage of 12 years--no every day does not include Tinkerbell, but once in awhile the magic surprises you--if you let it!

Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. No spouse in a marriage walks around in a magical feeling of bliss everyday; some days (months...) are hard and some are easy, but you choose to love your spouse and put in the work. Please try counselling-religious or otherwise. God bless you and your marriage!!

I am so sorry that you're going through this. First of all, please don't blame yourself.

Second of all, I agree with the poster below - it seems as though your marriage is worth fighting for. Even if he doesn't think that counseling can help, get some, and now. And I mean a professional trained marital therapist.

I think that men are really very simple. I think that they get unhappy sometimes, can't exactly figure out why and think "it must be my wife (or my job)." They want to have come up with the reason and solution. But it's not really you, it's him, and that's something that can be pointed out and worked on. I think that's the love/in love line of BS. I mean, he really believes it, but if some "spark" is missing from his life, it's not because _you're_ missing, it's because he can't figure out how to light it himself.

I wish you all the best.

I am so sorry to hear your situation. My husband did something similar to me the afternoon of Halloween. At that time I was 27 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby -- he was our very last embryo in our IVF treatments with only like a 20% chance to survive. My husband's complaint was a little more specific. He doesn't think I support him enough with his diabetes. During the long discussion he pulled out other things too. What it really boils down to is that this baby (we also have a 4 yr old daughter) must have made him think about his own mortality and what/when he would be leaving this baby. He is only 38. Anyway, I didn't sleep or eat for days. I offered to sit down with him and make a meal plan for the whole family, go to the nutritionist, etc. He still told me he wasn't sure and he might just have to leave. He had a business trip for the 3 days that followed so he had a little time "to himself" to think about stuff. He also talked to 2 female co-workers about what he should do next. They told him to work on it and that he had a good thing. Well great I was sooo happy that my marriage of 12 years hinged on 2 women that he has know casually for like 2 years. Him talking to those women was probably what hurt me most. Both of those women are single divorced Mom's. Any way that is more complicated than I can type here. BTW, I don't think he is cheating with either one of them, but that was a thought that ran through my mind constantly. I had been in couselling for infertility before but it had been a couple of years. I contacted my old consellor and since she had moved she recommended a place. I knew that even if everyting was going to be fine, I was going to need professional help and fast since I am due at the end of January and can't stand the fact that my husband would be any less of a good Dad with this baby, than he was with our girl. He really was wonderful with our baby girl and still is pretty good now with her. I also knew for the health of the baby I needed to get myself settled down fast. I was lucky to have a co-worker that I has gone through a divorce herself and was a very good friend. However, even a great friend is no subsitute for a professional when the situation is this serious. If I were you, I would google family counselling in your area. If you happen to live near Cincinnati, I can recommend the place I go. Even if he doesn't go with you, you should go. I also read a book, "Fight Less, Love More". It is an easy read and is very helpful about changing the way you interact with each other in a mature relationship. My husband has promised to read it, but hasn't yet. However, it just takes one of you to start back on the road to healing. I know that is a little hard to swallow, when you are not the one that rocked the boat int he first place. but like you said, if you do a little soul searching, you are not totally innocent either, which is what I found out about myself too. I wasn't supporting him enough with his diabetes. I was focused for more than 10 years on infertility and my own food issues. Well now that we will have 2 kids, the infertility problem is over and I will have more emotional energy to devote some to him too. I went to couselling on my own first, then we went together, and I will go 2 times by myself and then maybe together again. The hurt doesn't go away totally, but it does get better. He has said that he hopes to work through this and maybe build a stronger marriage. What a great thing to hear. I know it may seem that you are far away from that right now, but with a little work, you can get it back. Being pregnant, I was highly motivated to get this turned around very quickly. And it has been quite a bit of extra work for me to try to change our lifestyle when all I want to do is sit on the couch when I get home from work being now 32 weeks pregnant. And believe me I require him to help me some with making dinner and other chores.

I am by no means over this, but I think we are on the right track. Like one of the other responses, he owes it to you and your kids to try everything before he just gives up. As long as there is no other woman involved, his life would be pretty misserable living in a little appartment having to fend for himself and paying you allomony and child support (which you should be entilited too). I know it is hard to be the storng one, and I am a little ressentful that I changed for the better first (however I didn't beg). I would be more than happy to talk with you further if you would like. I know where you are emotionally for the most part. It will be a hard road. But it will be worth it, if he will cooperate and recommit. I am also going to use this conselling to help with some of the issues I have with him that are from before this incident. So maybe some of my problems that I have had with him throughout the years can get more resolved for me. Hang in there. The timing of stuff like this would never be good if you think about it, but I know this time of year is the worst. Stay as strong as you can for your kids.

I love what Jaimee said and just want to add that if he will try counseling....ask him to go with the understanding that even if he doesn't feel differently it may give you some closure and open a door for you to have a different type of relationship for the kiddos.

I have not read the other responses, so I apologize if I say something similar. But I thought I had to post to try to give you some hope. Please believe me when I say that his "feeling" can come back! It seems impossible, but I know from personal experience that you both can work at it and it will return. Especially because you haven't given up!!! This is part of the "in good times and in bad." You have to carry your marriage right now. You can do it!! Try not to focus on figuring out your financial situation right now. Put all of your energy into marriage counseling & telling your husband that you are committed to your marriage & to helping him. Get to counseling -- find a good counselor that can help revive that spark that he lost. It's easy to do -- marriages are hard work. And especially when kids are involved, it's hard to make the proper time for your marriage. But it can be done!!! Please, please don't give up. Feel free to email me personally if you need to talk more. I know you're shocked. Please put all of your energy into saving your marriage. And make sure your kids are okay, too. I hope they aren't involved at this point!

Fireproof is the movie I think she is referring to. I can't imagine what you are going through. A good counselor preferably a Christian counselor is what you both need. Someone to talk things through and help you both through the feelings you are dealing with. I book I recommend the The FIve Love Languages from Dr Gary Chapman. It's excellent for all relationships. The hard part is today people think love is only a feeling. If that were true then every one would be divorced. Marriage is something you have to work at. It's respecting each other, it's sharing, it's so much more. You mentioned God so I don't know if you are a devout Christian. I would take this to God and just ask him for help. He doesn't always answer immediately so you have to be patient. If you know of a good Christian woman who can encourage you , teach you, guide you and pray for you that would be the best road. But maybe God is trying to do something good here to help both of you get on the right track. There are always bumps valleys they we might have to go through to come to the other side a better person. But please know that God loves you very much. That will never change.

well, you CAN fix it... if you BOTH work at it :D

He says he wants to give it time... he has and is still willing! That doesn't sound like divorce to me.. well it is always possible. This is your RED FLAG to get to work... DATE each other again! Yes... learn what is his favorite___ and back and forth. We just did that and it is really nice! Our pastor asks couples who come in for counseling, "when was the last time you got away for more than a day?" (I haven't heard him say it personally... we have talked about counseling here and there and at the point we are at, I don't feel like we need it)

You asked him to shop and go out of town... you two need to TALK and see what ideas you each have of things you WANT to do together! Maybe that used to work and other things will work better now. (we used to go park and now we don't! lol)

YOU can make that magic happen again! One thing I read in "Love and Respect" (an EXCELLENT book!!! It helped us when we were thinking divorce) is that Men need to feel respected and appreciated for who they are and for what they do, especially providing! When was the last time he felt that?

Yesssss you need to find a counselor... I have heard that the first visit really helps most times!!! You can ask any pastor... he may even meet with you free of charge. (Ours does that and will counsel you unless he thinks he can't help your situation then he has a list of professional counselors who he can recommend)

You weren't rambling :) I love to help and am here if you want to talk. Message me if you would like another friend ;)

Don't agree to split up or divorce until one of you takes the 40-day "Love Dare" ALSO... get the movie FIREPROOF and watch it together :D

Just said a prayer for you and your hubby and your marriage,
R.

I don't think the relationship is doomed. Can you sit with him and talk? Ask him if he would like to get the spark back. Ask him how long he has felt this way and what made him feel this way. There are so many things that you two need to talk about.

A relationship really does take work. When you get too comfortable the spark dies. There are so many things that you both can do to bring it back. I know you always hear about date nights. They really do work! I would start there. If you have a firepit, or fireplace, sit by it with a glass of wine and talk. Try to take baths together, play games together, cook something together, watch sexy movies together.... there are so many things that you can still do.

Please don't think that you have to give up, or that you can't get it back. You can if you are both willing. You sound like you still love each other. You can get magic back. I promise. You just have to plan and work at it. I wish you both the best of luck.

P.S. The holiday season is magical in itself. If you have a tree turn on the lights....shut everything else off and sit together... that is a start...

There is a movie based on a book called the Love Dare. I watched it with my husband and even though we haven't gone thru this it made us aware of things we may not have thought of.

I saw it at the Christian Book Store.

Also, talk to your pastor/priest (if you are involved int he church) for some counseling. They provide that.

God bless and best of luck. I know it isn't easy.