Love and Logic Followers

I am just starting to look into this parenting style because it has worked WONDERFULLY for a friend of mine with a very active 3 year old boy :) What she told me is that you have to just be very consistent on things. Even if you think they don't "get it" now, it will eventually sink in.

Another option that I think I learned at a L and L conference is to completely ignore the child. First tell them that you can't hear a whiney voice and then completely ignore what they're saying. I found this too difficult to do and so I send/take them to their room when it continues and I'm unable to stop what I'm doing. A note here. Sometimes when I'm also tired and feeling cranky I choose to not stop what I'm doing..

An insight that I gained with my grandchildren is that I whine when I'm tired and/or hungry. Since then I ask if they're hungry before I try to deal with the whine. They usually say no, accept a snack, or get worse because I won't give them a piece of candy. :):)

So my method is to take them to their room, put on some quieting music or even turn on the TV, putting in a quiet CD, hand them what ever is their current stuffed animal with which they sleep and leave. I see this as a literal time out from life and not as a punishment.

Sometimes I check back and they've been sound asleep. If it's late in the afternoon I wake them up so that they can sleep at night. Or I might give them dinner and put them back to bed. When that happens they usually sleep thru the night.

My thinking about turning on the TV is that watching TV is a way to escape and relax.(zone out). It reduces active stimulation. If they're not overly; tired they usually start playing or just come back out once they've rested enough. If they're still whining and I'm able I pick them up and try the rocking or cuddling again. If that still doesn't work I take them back to their room.

When I'm able, I just pick them up and hold them for awhile. Then I try out another way if that doesn't work. When they're overly tired they often don't want to be held.

I also noticed that when I've been whining or am just tired and not paying attention to them and they start whining that holding them and focusing on relating to them works best. It also gives me a break. I think kids pick up on a negative change in our mood and not knowing what else to do start misbehaving to test the situation. Now that my granddaughter is older (she's 9) she is checking in with me more by asking if I'm mad at her. What a relief that is for me.

I never read the book, but we stopped the whining with," please use your regular voice. I do not understand whining" and as a last resort, "I need you to go to your room and find your regular voice". We also never gave our child anything that she whined for .. EVER...

When she would ask for things with her regular voice and we knew she was tired, frustrated or angry, we would thank her. "I know you are tired (insert emotion). Thank you for using your regular voice."

I have read L&L alittle bit and have been to a seminar on it, I do like it. It just make sense in life. But anyways, what I wanted to point out and what I did with my son, and that is "show" him what whining is! Actually talk to him in a whiney tone and then in a regular tone. Explain that he will get your attention much quicker in a nice normal tone.
Just that in itself stopped the whining in our house, its like he didn't know what whining was and as soon as I pointed it out, he undestood and stopped. He is 15 now and not a whiner. I also have a 5 year old too and not a whiner either. Thankfully! I know it can really grate on the nerves.
Good Luck, Chris

It has been two years since I have read the book but for the most part we follow the "Love and Logic" parenting. I honestly can not remember everything because we took from it what worked well with our daughter.

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old now this is what we do for whining... at first sign of whining I make sure to enforce whatever is being done (doing or not to do something, give some choice of do you want to do this or that first), I also mention that "I can not understand whining and that whining does not get you anything," if the whining does not stop we say "We do not listen to whining, please go whine in your room till you are ready to clean up (or stop whining) and talk to mommy/daddy." At 3 she can go to her room herself, I know at 2ish I would but her on her bed and tell her she can come out or call for me when she is done whining. Now the whining/crying/complaining/being defiant last less then 5 mins and she comes out of her room ready to clean up or whatever the case may be. We do it for all whining that does not stop after a minute, it kind of is like a timeout but she only has to sit in her bed till she is done whining.

When frustrated we tell your daughter to stop what she is doing and we actually sit next to her and then go "Lets take five big breaths together" we take big breaths in and out to help calm down. Some times we have to do this a few times before she is ready to return to what she is doing or if she just is not calming down I say "It is ok to put this away for awhile and do something different, that is what mommy does when I can not figure something out." Now at 3 she will breath on her own even before I figure out that she is frustrated or clean up and switch to a different thing. Sometimes she still gets so worked up that I still breath with her so she knows if she needs me I am there but want her to learn how to do this on her own.

For us this has worked really well, but every child will respond differently to different styles of parenting.

HI L & L is one great tool. one thing to remember is children want to get your attention part of having a fit is to get attentin. So one way is to acknowlegde OH R U up set and then just ingnor the behavior. making sure he is safe. dont punish him for being frustrated he just needs some love and empathy. I think the hardest part of parenting is to nicley ignoring some of their behavior. if he is throwing the cup he wants some attention or to just see how u will react. another good parenting tool is Beck baily check her out on the web. hope this helps

ES

I've also read the Love and Logic book (the one for preschoolers) and have found that it is working wonders with my daughter. She's 3 and she has autism so there are many things that won't work with her because she takes things very literally (part of autism). Her teacher uses in the classroom and has been a huge help for us to integrate it with our children. The things I have found work the best for us are the "uh-oh" like you're doing and then taking her to her room. I'm like you where I'm not sure if I should use it for everything, but I definitely use it for the big things where I know that I will get worked up if she continues (allows me to calm down too). We also use enforceable statements like, "Big girls who blank, get blank" like "Big girls who eat their sandwhich, get to watch a movie." These are great because it makes them think about their actions and YES you can use these on your 2 year old. For whining we also (like another mom said) ask our daughter to use her big girl words. I tell her "I can't understand whining" or I'll say in a whining voice "Ohhhhhhhhh, it makes me soooooooo saaaaaad when you whiiiiiine" and let her make the decision to stop. She usually ends up giggling when I do that. :) You've gotten some great advice from the mommies here already, hope one of these methods work well for you! I would suggest looking into taking a Love and Logic course too. That really helps to get the basics down. Blessings!!

I haven't read the Love and Logic series, but I have heard some great things about them... but I'm still going to leave you the info for the program that works for me so you can check it out if you're interested. :) www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. This is directed at preadolescent kids, but the discipline technique is brilliant and has changed my outlook. They recommend timing out in the bathroom because it's neutral territory. Of course you have to make sure the bathroom is child proofed :) But that way it's not "their" area, and it's not the main part of the house where they can still see you and try to get your attention. The other part I like is that they use positive reinforcement to encourage the behavior you want, and extinction (ignoring) negative behavior to get it to decrease. It has worked wonders with my children, so I thought I would recommend it. Good luck!

Our brains and ability to put speaking and thinking together develop at different rates. Girls and boys develop differently. Whining at two is pretty much an expression of frustration when words just won't come. Love and patience yields the most for development of the happy and eventually able child. Children learn what they live and for a mother who must spend hours away from her child must use alot of guesswork with the love and patience. Whining is less difficult to cope with when having a positive distracting activity for the two year old at hand.

We love the way it works. It makes so much sense. We say in a firm voice that whn they want to talk to us where we can understand then come back,then we ignore the whinning. I listen to what she's doing but don't respond. I want to make sure she isn't telling me something important.... Anyway, with a 2 year old I don't think that would work. They are still developing trust in adults and need that affirmation you are listening. My friend that told us about Love and Logic would do the whinning thing they talked about below when her son was younger. They would get to laughing and all would be better. Just ham it up and redirect him.

I don't know anything about it but in May there is a workshop called Challenge of the Children in Holland at Hope College. They usually have a section available about this. Check out their website and good luck . I have wanted to try it but not sure if it would work with my sp needs kids.