Losing Things

Hi L.-

One of the ways my son's AD/HD manifests is VERY similar to what you've described. I would certainly speak to your pediatrician about it. It's really frustrating because kids with ADD or AD/HD are able to focus on certain things, and not others. It may not be her fault, and you are right to hold her accountable, but maybe you can find some ways to be proactive.

If I could make a few suggestions, I would start with Dad keeping his own set of clothes for her. It didn't work for me, but my sister's ex does, so you might try it. After dealing with missing clothes for too long, I always wrote out an index card with what I was sending over and stapled it to the bag. That put Dad on notice that I was keeping track, and it made it very easy for him to say "do you have your striped shirt?" or check the bag himself. And don't send her in stuff you will miss if it doesn't come home (been through THAT).

I know she's 11 but label the heck out of EVERYTHING, like you would if you were sending her to kindergarten or summer camp. That way you are enlisting the help of teachers, bus drivers, etc. without singling her out that she's losing stuff. They'll find it and just naturally return it to her. You can run off a set of computer labels very easily and just start sticking them.

Also, make sure to help her keep REALLY organized. I keep a bin by the front door with only ONE set of hats & mittens per kid, that way you know quickly if they are there or lost. Chances are good you'll have a stash of spares, but keep them someplace else, or she will rely on you to just replace them all the time without looking around first. I would scale her room down, too and again label EVERYTHING. It will help her to keep herself organized if she knows exactly where everything goes and where to look if she can't find it. Also, too much stuff is really chaotic for kids in general, I think.

Also, every night, together check her backpack and make sure it is REALLY organized and keep the extra stuff down to the bare minimum.

With this kind of problem, and you being a single mom (again...been there!), you really have to choose your battles, so if it means that she doesn't get a cool lunchbox anymore and has to use brown bags, so be it. I used to have my son color on and decorate his bags while I made dinner, it kept him busy and made the bags a little more fun.

Also, I know it really matters to girls her age, but take an inventory of how much stuff she really has, like shoes and bags and hair stuff. If you took a Saturday and together picked out say 3 sets of each to keep out and put the rest in a bin in YOUR closet (or whatever, just not where she has access to it), then she can use those for a while and when she wants a change you can "go shopping" in what she has and make a one-for-one trade.

I hope this helps! Again, I would check with the pediatrician just to be sure there isn't something else going on. If it's causing upset in your household and you've done everything humanly possible on your end, ask your Doc.

Best of luck-
Jen

1 mom found this helpful

Honestly, it seems like a pretty trivial issue in the grand scheme of things. As frustrating as it might be, because my husband is the same way, it's just who she is. She's not doing it on purpose or to upset you and it's not that she really doesn't care. She seems more like a go-with-the-flow kind of girl, which is exactly how my husband is. He never thinks anything is a big deal, he always says it will all work out - and guess what? It really isn't a big deal and it WILL all work out. I wouldn't go so far as to buy new things that you think she NEEDS, if you stop buying new stuff, she may realize to remember those things because there won't be another one. No kid ever died from not having a scarf or gloves. Stop being mad and punishing her over something that's not the end of the world. Maybe with less stress on her, she will remember her things.

make her go without she'll learn

L.,

If she is willing to pay for replacements out of her own allowance, then you can try taking her up on that, and see if the reality of that makes a difference. Of course, it can't be done with essentials like a scarf or gloves, but take away things she isn't responsible enough to take care of. Cell phones are expensive. If she can't take proper care of it, then maybe she's not mature enough to have one.

You can also let her go without, occasionally. If she leaves her homework at home, let her get a zero for not handing it in. If she forgets her lunch, then let her be hungry that afternoon. Sometimes we need the consequences of our actions to remind us that we have responsibilities.

Jess

She is pretty old to be so irresponsible. I know this may sound harsh but if it is things that she needs like a hat or gloves you should make her go without for a little wild to try to teach her a lesson. I would not keep buying those things I would make her find them. And if you have to treat her like a 4 year old and tell her to put those things in her jacket sleeve when she takes her jacket off then do it. If she loses or forgets a cell phone maybe she needs to go without it for a while until she learns resonsibility.

I don't suggest taking Tv. for cell... It doesn't have to dso with the issue. Set a boundary where she can't take the cellphone to school for a couple of days and it has to be used on the the spot it belongs. She can't walk around with it. She has to use it with the outlet charger connected to the wall. That would be a real punishment and constantly remind her why she is having to talk on the cellphone that way!!!

Don't purchase anymore!!! SHe needs to use the same hat and scarf for the week and have her tell you where she is going to keep it outside of home and where she will return it when she arrives at home. It seems as if she doesn't have aroutine or place for things. Consistant routine is an organized and well thinking person. Practice memory exercises. Give her a checklist of things she takes away from home and make her check them in and out. SHe will never lose or forget things!!!!!!!! Let me know if any of these suggestions work. HArsh but will work.

I had a similar problem with my daughter, she would loose things the same way when she was about 9 or 10 she is now 12 and I don't have that problem anymore, well it's not as bad she's become more responsible...the technique i used was to not replace the items, one year i ended up buying 5 school uniform sweaters one year, when the new school year came in i refused to buy her a new one, the same thing with hats, scarfs, gloves, jewlery etc.. it was painful to watch her suffer thru it and listen to the complaints but it taught a lesson and she got alot better a keeping up with her things. i know it's a bit harsh but it worked!

well here's a theory, don't give an 11 year old a cell phone. Also, aren't they not allowed to have cell phones in school anyway? Especially if she is that irresponsible why would you reward her with something that she is obviously to young to deal with the resposibility of?

when I was 11 I lost things heck I still do on a daily basis I lose my cell about 4 times a day. Have you thought about Making a check list like different ones for different places she goes like to her fathers or aunts and for school? also try having her put her cell on a pull string I have one and it really helps they make some nice ones. and for what you said about bein judged I agree if u think your daughter is mature enough to have a cell then that is your decision no one else is payin the bill lol. And also mybe she is just disorgenized and maybe like me she has ADHD or ADD these factor in trust me it takes alot for me to remember things i gotta do or things i gotta remember to bring with me so i have lists for everything i do

You can try sending her out with a checklist of all the things she leaves the house with and make her check them off that she has them before she returns home. Maybe give her a reward for a full week of not losing or forgetting anything.

And also...most kids do have cell phones now - its reassuring to be able to call them and check on them whenever you feel the need. Its not like the old days when it was safe for the kids to go out and play and you just expect them home at a certain time. Cell phones have helped many missing kids find help to return home.

So no one should be too quick to judge.
And L....you know whats right and if you feel that she should have a cell phone then she should. Other people shouldn't judge you.

Is it possible she really cant help it and you need to talk to a Dr. I know is sounds funny but there are many illnesses out there that have strang side affects. Its sound as if she realizes the outcome of forgetting or lossing things (your getting upset.) It could even be stress. (yes in an 11 year old.) I cant imagine the stress kids live with today, added in the fact of living with parents in seperate household.

I have a sister of your daughter's age and she is always forgetting things just like your daughter. I myself have forgotten things everywhere, even until now. What you can do is ask her what interests her the most. What is it that catches her attention so much that makes her forget other things such as her personnal items. I remember I lost a brand new gold chain and pair of earrings that my mom bought me. Also, my glasses,etc. So as you can see I have lost plenty of things. Even my greencard and social security card. Yelling will do no good. Maybe taking her allowance away will do. However, I believe that talking and discovering what she really focuses on is the key. Maybe she wont tell you what she is so distracted about because she might not know it. Perhaps you will have to find it out on your own. Follow her, be attentive to what she seems to be more likely to enjoy doing.

Anyhow, I tried to help you because I have been in the same situation too and I would have liked that someone gave my mother this same advice.

Sincerely.

Yuriniko

Wow, I have the same problem with my ten year old son. He has ADHD and I think his forgetfulness might be related to that. Losing the cellphone is the biggy since my coping tactics depend on it. I make him lists to put in his pocket or backpack. There is the afterschool list, which I call right after school and we go over together via the phone and make sure he's not leaving school without anything important. Gradually, it has improved what he automatically remembers. Also, we have gotten him a special watch (link below) that I programmed all the times he needs to call home, go to an appointment, remember after school chess, or to make sure he's copied his homework 10 minutes before school lets out. I think the other thing that was helpful for me to remember is that this forgetfulness is actually pretty common and age-appropriate. Realizing that helped me to stop blaming my son so much and to start helping him learn coping skills to strengthen something he was not naturally good at. http://www.adhdproducts.com/site/1319838/product/591-###-...#

My friends daughter had the same problem (she also had a hard time consentraiting on things too and I dont know if your daughter does too or not) but it was simply just a memory thing and a lot of people have this problem no matter their age. Believe it or not the doctor recommend that she try St John's Wart before anything else and it actually worked for her! Bonus is that it is a real cheap vitamin avaiable at walmart! Best of luck! I'm sure this is just as frustrating for her. I'm going through it with my "pregnancy brain" right now and I know it's frustrating to me when I forget stuff all the time too. Also maybe buy one of those little pocket sized notebooks or something. Then you can put a check list in it for things for her to remember to bring home. I know my mom made me carry one and even told my teachers about it so they were nice enough to remind me about putting my homework assignment in it. Know its just another thing to remember but just a thought. :)

My son is like this and he is now approaching 16. I think that at least with the cell phone area, she is a little young to have one and so i would give her an inexpensive one if she needs to have it. Each of my boys had a prepaid one so that if they did lose it, it wasn't soo bad. I think you need to just look at the fact that she is 11, and sometimes we tend to forget that they are kids. I was a single mom of two boys ages 3 and 6 for almost 8yrs. They were home alone so I could work and would always forget things at their dads, or ruin them at their dads. I would just keep extra stuff at their dads so they did not bring things there that they needed with me, I bought them the 99 cent mittens for school, and we had a bunch of them. Hopefully she will grow out of it, but recently my 16 yr. wore my purple 99 cent mittens to school because he could not find his. What can you do. I think you need to save the punishments for something more important and she will start caring.