Limits on Video Games

Boy can I relate to this one! I have an 8 year old son and his dad and I are divorced. I hear about a lot of things he gets to watch and do over there and it makes my blood boil! I, too, have told the ex my feelings, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Those 2 are as thick as thieves.

Anyhow my hubby and I have rules about what movies and games he can have here. You really have to screen everything yourself - some games that are E10+ are not good, but then every once in awhile I will find a teen game I think is OK. My hubby is a big gamer, too, and I like to play, so I am not under the umbrella of "video games are evil" mentality. Everything with moderation.

I tell my son why we cannot play certain games or watch certain movies at my house, even though his dad lets him. My son will tell me, "Well, I didn't get scared or grossed out." I tell him that is not the point, that there are some things that kids should just not see until they are older. At this age they still do not really understand special effects - especially in movies when things look so real. He really wanted to see the last Star Wars movie (where Aniken turns into Darth Vader). I held out for a year on this one and finally let him watch parts that I thought were OK and then told him about what happened in the other parts.

You cannot control your ex and what happens there. But you can sleep at night knowing you are doing the right thing by making rules and sticking to them. I tell my son why he can't have a game or watch a movie now and he just accepts it - doesn't bug me nearly as bad as he used to. Plus I tell him that even though his dad is a great guy, he should not be watching those things at Daddy's either and that Daddy's rules don't always match mine and I have to do what I think is best for him. My husband says it is a guy thing and I have to watch him sometimes, too, with letting him see things he shouldn't, but I have control over him! :)

Good luck - I know it is hard. Stick to your guns and do the right thing.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm not sure how you should go about it, but something should be done. I would not back down on my standards. If you back down who will he learn from? Whatever you do should be diplomatic, but I have no experience in this as my hubby and extended family are on the same page with me on this stuff. I have however seen the flip side with my neighbor. She's a single mom with two kids. Her ex lets them have free reign of cable, computer, and video games. Her reaction is to yell at dad in front of the kids. This gets everyone no where. Otherwise she's given up. Her kids are disrespectful and fight her at every turn. You've got to do something now while he's little even if the rules are different at each house. That's just what happens in split families sometimes. You have to communicate with him and explain why you believe the rules should be different. That's my neighbor's biggest mistake. She doesn't want her kids to repeat her mistakes in life, but she won't explain to them why she believes what she believes. Even though he's little you can still find a way to tell him without all the gory details. Now my neighbor's newest battle is that dad told the 13 year old boy that he can have a girl overnight anytime. That's ok with dad. Well, I hope it never goes that far, but you need to be instilling your values simply and clearly in your son before the house rules diverge that far.

I would look for other things to do with your son. Even if you don't have the "fun" video games at your house, you can start traditions that you do with your son. Maybe if he's good at school all week you pick a night that you do pizza and a movie of his choice. Maybe you pick a park to be yours and have a picnic. Maybe you get a mom and me video game. Maybe you read a good book together. Be creative, find what works for you. You can be fun without the violent video games and PG-13 movies.

I think the biggest problem here potentially is the discord between you ex husband and yourself. While you can't control what he does in his home - you need to have a baseline agreement on how best to raise your son. It sets up the fun parent/mean parent dynamic in the eyes of your 6 year old.

That being said - We were hold outs on the gaming system - my kids got a hand-me-down gamecube when their cousins got a Wii. In the summer the kids have to earn tokens for TV/video game priveledges - but they were so busy - they rarely played. We don't have games that are violent, bloody or sexy. You have to know why a game has a particular rating.

During the school year - games and t.v. are off limits during the week. On weekends we are usually busy with sports, chores, family time, Church activites and having friends over - so games take a back seat.

I know when my son goes to some friends houses they allow way more game time then we do - but that is what makes it a "treat" to go over. I won't change the standard in my home and I don't mind being the "stuck in the mud" mom - I know someday my kids will thank me for it! Plus I try to make our house fun in other ways - we have a pool and the kids love to come over and swim in our backyard - play in the fort, play basketball, ride bikes etc.

We also seriously limit computer time - the kids like to do Webkinz and Club Penguin - and my 12 year old loves to download music - but they do it in the kitchen with me present and not more than 1 hour per week!

I wish you the best - and know that you are not alone!!

After years of saying that we'll "never" have a game system in our house, my husband bought a playstation. We watch the content of the games. Most of the time one of will play with the kids. And video time is a privilege to be earned, not a right ti be given. Chores, schoolwork, etc. must be finished and even then no more than 1 hour at a time. We use www.handipoints.com to track chores done. They use that system to earn points to play.
As for being the clueless-stick-in-the-mud mom, take time to play and interact with your son. You can be firm and set limits and still be the cool mom. Even if you do not seem to be your son's favorite person, that's OK. Stick to your guns, in the end it will pay off. My husband tells me that he couldn't stand his mother during his teen years, but she never waivered on her expectations or backed down from the limits she set. He appreciates that now and says that did him more good in the long run.

I understand your concerns. I have them myself! I have a very mature 13 year old and a very immature 10 year old. The rating system will rate a game T because of violence, but I have learned that sometimes these really aren't too bad. We have developed our own limits in that no game is allowed if you shoot actual people. There is even a Mario game for Game Cube that is T! These I will allow. You will have to be a little more diligent when looking, but you will find many "ones with action" that are appropriate. As for PG-13 movies, that is a little tougher to limit when your son is with his father. I think PG-13 movies are what we considered R just a few years back, so our rule is that I/my husband has to see them first, but then it is usually a NO. I suggest (and I am sure you already do) you simple talk with your son about the type of violence you want him exposed to. Don't ask for his desires, just tell him in your house these are the rules. I also wouldn't worry about being a "stick in the mud" mom.

I now have teens and a strong opinion on this subject. If I could change one thing I did as a parent it is the video game time in my home. My son is brilliant but so attached to gaming he forgets homework, life, friends, activity, etc. His grades, ambition, attention span, family/friend involvement is nonexistent because of this. Start young, stay stong. There is great pressure from kids, ads, etc. to buy the latest, let them play in spare time and it easily gets out of hand. Looking back, it was always our fault--we could have stopped it. I would say --no gaming on school nights, 1-2 hours weekends each day -and truly--that is enough. Get them into a sport and some volunteer work and you will be so very happy you did when they are teens!

I have no idea re. the games, as my little guy is only 17 mos. old, but I think the real issue is why dad's doing what he's doing? I may be wrong, but I wonder if he's having the same TYPE of reaction as you, but overcompensating in the opposite direction - trying to be the "SUPER FUN" dad since he only sees him for limited times (I'm assuming). I'd say get together with bio-dad and have a non-confrontational talk about how you can BOTH be the fun parents AND give him boundaries too. I'm sure it'll be tough, and maybe you can secretly plan "big boy" stuff they can do together - that you've approved of, but that can feel a little "grown up stuff with dad" to your son. I hope this helps! :)

My oldest two (13 and 9) have a PS2. During the school year, they don't watch TV or play video games during the week. We used to let them play however long they wanted on weekends. This year, we implemented "earning" video game time based on behavior at school and study habits (for my 8th grader). My little two mostly play the Vsmile game they have.

They also only play E rated games for the most part. This year, I think we bought two games that are rated T but no violence is in them.

Each day, they have an opportunity to earn 15 minutes of PS2 / Computer /Vsmile time. The most they can earn is 75 minutes for Saturday play. Sunday is totally up to us if they can play or not and it's based on overall behavior, grades and following instructions for the previous week. So far, it's been going good. Also, if they mess up during the week in any way, we reserve the right to deduct as many minutes as we wish pending the severity of the mess up.

When my 5 and 6 year old do play the PS2, we are usually playing as a family and our fav game is PacMan World. There are also a lot of kid friendly games for your son's age.

It may be harsh to some but it's working for us.

HTH

We have a 12 year old son that loves to play video & computer games, but, from the beginning we have set limits. He is only allowed to play the "E" for everyone rated games and we limit his play time to an hour during the week and not more than 2 hours a day on weekends if playing with a buddy. School nights that have sport practice or homework are "no electronic game" nights. So, he usually only ends up playing those type of games on the weekends during the school year. He recently received two "T" rated games as presents and he has been told that when he turns 13 this year he can play those but we have the right to preview the content and material first.

He may give you grief for a period of time just to try and make you break down to what you have decided but once you make your decision as to what type of games and what amount of time he will be allowed to play sick with it. Even though he will give you that grief children of all ages desire and thrive for rules and structure and we as the parents are responsible to give that.

Explain to him that you understand that he's father purchased them for him to play but that they are not approriate for his age. Explain that as he becomes older that he will be allowed to play with those games but they are not good for him right now. He WILL get mad tell you he hates you, that he wants to live with his dad. I went through it all not only with my own son but with many foster children as well. But once you have set the rules after a few hours or days they come around and all is good once again.

My son now 21 has told me on several occation now that he is glad that I was so tough on not allowing certain things and it is a great thing to hear your child say. I know that in time your son will be the same. Hang in there it's not easy to raise a child, much less when the parents don't agree on diffent matters of what is appropriate and what is not.

Good Luck <><

Limiting the video game good. If you do not kids will be on there all day. You can make them do something outside.

Just remember that you're the mom and he's only 6. Setting rules and boundaries doesn't mean you have to be the "stick in the mud mom" or not know what your child's interests are! I have very strict rules about movies and cartoons for my daughter and just explain to her that even though so-and-so watches them or she gets to watch them at her grandparents' house, etc, that *I* don't think they're appropriate and that I'm the one responsible for making sure she grows up to be a nice, well-adjusted, responsible adult. I also make sure that we talk about everything. Everything... I ask her questions constantly about her day and what she liked about it, her favorite things, etc. Especially when she has been away at school or at the grandparents', whatever.
Just my .02, but I hope it helps...

I know this is radical, but we took the computor away from our boys the entire summer. We haven't set it up yet, and when we do we will limit the types of games they play. If and when they complain, I'll tell them they always have the option to do other things. My 7 year old has been asking for a DS for 2 years. I've told him no because I know that when we're in the car it will be as if he's not with the family at all. Again, this is really hard for some as my boys are 6 and 7. My kids have lots of friends but only one mommy and daddy. You just need more support. B.

let me just add to the "stick to your guns" camp! i have a 11 yr old who just got his first game system (a DS) and i limit those games to E rating even though he is over 10. maybe in a year or two i'll reconsider, but i highly doubt it. he doesn't touch it until he finishes his homework and chores, plus no more than an hour a day during the school year. these rules have worked out so well that i am considering getting a Wii for the entire family for xmas.

It scares me that these days PG-13 is more like our R movies from 10 years ago. I've only let my 8 year old watch Transformers and Iron Man after previewing them to make sure they were ok for him - and I stress - for him. I don't just let him go crazy in the rental section. He has wanted several E10+ games that I've said no on, but I do allow him to get Ben 10 which has the same rating and a couple of others.. It just depends on the game. My husband has some T games that are skate boarding and bikes and they have adult lyrics to the music so he's allowed to play them with the sound off. As a rule we go more for the comic/cartoon heroes and not realistic violence. I think you really have to examine each game on an individual basis. I also watch my son's behavoir after he plays. Does he become more agitated? agressive? angry?? He is also limited to an hour on electronics. I will say that a rental program is a great way to try out games and determine which are ok. Our local Blockbuster has a program that for 23 bucks a month you can rent as many games/movies as you want one at a time. We've gotten a game before that wasn't favorable to us and turned right back around and exchanged it less than 30 minutes later. This way, too, your son sees that you're trying to give some allowances, but Mommy has the final say. Take today for example.. my son just played the Wii.. turned it off himself and turned on playhouse disney. He does get a balance of video games (some with mild violence) and then wholesome kiddie cartoons. Moderation... and certainly Monitoring!! Good Luck!

Your child is only 6 years old and doesn't know what is best for him, but you do. You need to have a more serious talk with his father, and it is your business what happens when he is at his fathers, Your son is Your business. He may not like it when you take away his games, but there are tons of things in this world that I want to protect my daughter from, but one day I wont be able to protect her, but that day is not today. Violent games now will turn into violence later. There are tons of non-violent games out there that a 6yr old would enjoy. This is a critical time in his life as he is learning about the world and you need to give him 100%. I think that a boy at his age should spend more time out doors and play team sports then sit by himself and play video games.

I have a video game addicted husband who sees no problem with doing the same thing. We are a little more careful about PG 13 films - we take him to some but not all. Our kids are 7 & 5. After a lot of arguments with my husband we limit their video game play to the weekend during school. I try to limit it to 30 minutes a day but its not always what happens if I go run errands. During holidays they get the same rules as weekends. 30 minutes per day sometimes a little longer if I need to get something accomplished without them under foot.

We have Wii, 360 & PS3 and the boys both have Gameboys and PSP's. Its a fine line. I've tried to draw the line with combat or shooting games. Good luck! Its a constant battle in our house,.

R.,
I am so sorry that you are caught is such a terrible spot. I am the mother of 5 children from ages 25 to 9. I do not allow my children to have any video games that are over E10 and those are very carefully screened. Instead of fighting with my children about the games we have discussed the reason they have the ratings that they do. We have talked about what it feels like when we watch movies and watch acts of violence. We talk about how easy it is to forget that these bad things really happen to people because we see it on the tv screen. We also talk about how with video games we listen to the violent or vulgar music over and over and soon we don't even think about it. We also see the violent images over and over and pretty soon we forget that a real gun with a real trigger causes real harm and we have grown accustomed to it because of playing the games. Because of this discussion, my kids can answer for themselves pretty easily if we should have a certain game or not. They do have 2 E10 games but we discussed them well and have decided they are acceptable. Stand your ground mamma! Talking it over with your child is the best thing you can do, if you learn to do it now life will be easier all the way to adulthood! blessings to you
W.

Wow...where to begin. First off...I don't feel you should put up with this. You obviously have your son's best interest and regard at hand and his father does not. Six years old is way too young to be exposed to those things. There is a reason they have been rated for older kids. Is there not an attorney that you have been working with that can help you with this matter. I understand you can't monitor every little move when he is with his father but the father needs to realize that your sons' best interest should come first. He needs to stop trying to be the "cool" dad. Children look for and need authority. I know I didn't really help any but my heart goes out to you and I hope you get it figured out. I have a ten year old that has friends that are allowed to play the older games and we have gotten into arguments but I explained to him that there is a reason they have been rated older and "it is, what it is". Accept the things we CAN'T change, and CHANGE the things we can. You've got to protect your son obviously that's not his fathers goal. Just be careful to the emotion that your son sees. It's not his fault his father is being a jerk. Just my opinion!

The violence in movies is worse than in some video games rated +E10. Take Lego Star Wars for instance, the first one is rated E for everyone, but the 2nd one is rated +E10. You kinda have to play the game yourself, judge how you think your child reacts from the game, and is your child mature enough. Yes, definitly put a limit on what your child is allowed to play, too many parents are desensitizing children to violence. One child I have watched before, said that his dad let him watch Child's Play and third Spiderman movie I think it is (the one with the dark spiderman). I was to say the least appaled. He by the way is just now 6 years old or close to it. I do put a limit on what my kids watch and play. Although my son has his own tv in his room, he cannot just watch tv, it is not hooked up for that, he has his own movies and games set aside for just him. My son by the way is 7 years old.

Soudns like you guys need a sit down and compromise- b/c as long as the rules are different- you will be the stick in the mud- the pg-13 movies may not be too bad- but there are def. video games that a 6 yr old does NOT need to be viewing- hookers pulled into cars, sex and drug and violence beyond belief......if he does all this now- what will there be to look forward to in the next few years. Maybe dad can teach him some outdoor stuff- fishing- sports- etc. I would def limit it and pop it in a family room- not in his room- that's only a recipe for trouble. kudos to you for nipping it in the bud. I think dad needs to allow his son time to be a kid and not be exposed to the violence and sexual events that he is in an odd way- in control of with the games ocntroller. Good luck-
- D. S

I am not in this situation, but I do have a 6 year old son. Does his dad play those video games with him? Maybe it's not the game itself, but having someone to play with. My son and I will play video games together and he likes them much better for the company. Plus, it gives us a better chance to talk about stuff as he's more distracted with the game, so I can bring up topics he wouldn't normally want to talk about. Basically, I can get more information out of him about stuff than if I just asked. Does that make sense? We really enjoy playing the Cars game with the races and Brunswick Bowling. The bowling one makes for better conversation. ANyway, my point is, maybe it's the comraderie with dad he enjoys and not so much the violent game? You can try that on your end with the non-violent games and make those just as fun.

Wow. You have got some great responses here. I have two boys and we do have a psp at home but mostly my husband plays it when kids are in bed. we have extremely kiddy games...curious george or some sleddign games that are for young kids. The last time they played was probably 6 months ago. My kids don;t really ask to play much. My older son has aspergers and is least interested...prefers to read and watches nature documentaries over any kid tv show. My younger son is media driven but we are such a non media family that he has few opportunities to watch during the week. At most its noggin! WE go for bike rides, kids play outside, we read a lot of books as a family and we do craft/science projects on the weekends. Tv is used when I don;t have time to supervise/need downtime/we are truly out of options! We stay so busy we have no time to play v-games or watch tv.

You have to set the example you want your son to follow. Tv or computer games are really only an option for a child if there are no other alternatives and its so accessible. I have no interest in being my child's best friend and being a cool mom. I would rather that my child got real play time that is age appopriate, was reading quality books and learning a life skill like a musical instrument or sport vs hours spent playing violent games at the age of 6. My kids are less culturally aware about some tv characters and shows than other kids their age...its not easy...BUT both my kids are intellectually curious, reading by age 5 and act like kids in play and talk. I want them shielded from a lot of what passes as popular culture bc I think it has limited substance. If this is something you value than you need to fight to remove bad media in your son's life including dealing with you ex's lack of parenting. Bc this ultimately comes down to parenting choices and is not abotu your son's choices. Trust me as a mother of a special needs child this is HARD but the long term effects of taking the path of least resistance is going to be harder still. Good luck.

Hi R., I have a 14 yr old daughter and a 9 yr old son. We too have a major problem with family members buying games rated for older players. I have a box in my closet that holds them all. I've made it clear to my kids that T means TEEN and you must be over 13 to play it and M means MATURE which they can play when they're 18 or over. No exceptions, the ratings are given for a reason... if they don't like the rating they can take it up with the video game company. I've also made it clear to family members that the games they buy don't get played and that it's their choice if they continue to buy presents for my box.

I know there are places that you can trade games in for others. I think you need to seek professional help to deal with the B.F. and find a way to get him to understand that those game do harm to kids that may take years to see. I had to deal with my 15 year old about rated R games and movies. He through a fit, but I don't give in. I tell him what he can do and then I walk away. I don't engage him and it works for me.

Just my opinion, but I'm with you. A 6 year old doesn't need those older things, plus I think explaining to him why you don't like real violent things my help him know even if he still wants them, as I think people start to callous about bador violet stuff, and then nothing seems out of line to them, & he is a tender age fornothing seeming too bad. I also think a limit on sitting and watching TV or viedo games is appropriate, and they have to go play with a toy, or outside. When I let my daughter watch tv all Saturday morning she was a grouch the rest of the day, and when I let her watch some, but not all morning she was a normal little girl that I had the rest of the week, is how I found out first hand and not just something I read about sitting too long. We are mom's first in protecting and raising our children, and although it is tempting to just be popular, I wouldn't worry too much about being a stick in the mud.

R.,
Looks like you have gotten some good advise. It's okay to be the bad mom, it hurts but it's better in the end. I have a 16 year old son and I did not allow him to play violet video games nor watch certain movies. His video game collection contained all sports and learning tools when he was younger. Now had received Cum Laude in school and is crazy about sports and not just playing sports he's all into marking the business side. At the age of 6, they do not know what they want. It's up to you to mold them the correct way and in the right direction. And yes bann the ones you do not want him to have from your home. It will be better for him later in life...

Be a stick in the mud mom. The reward will be beneficial later. If you oppose the dad having whatever video games, etc. Then you do not have anything remotely close to these in your home. Try doing board/card games with your son. Do activities outside the home; biking, hiking, kite flying, visit museums...

Don't, DON'T roll over and play dead. Do you know how video games came about??? During WW1, most soldiers died w/o firing their guns, so unaccustomed to shooting people, so when WW2 was looming, they created the similator for the soldiers to learn to REACT and shoot. Now we have the same "games" in stores and in our homes and wonder why kids are killing people. DUH! It's a no-brainer. Buy your son thinking games, strategy games, and teach him to THINK rather than to react.

I would be really uspet with my husband if I had talked to him about this concern and he basically blew me off. You are so much smarter to realize the long term effects these violent games will have on your son. They've already had some effect in that "he only like the violent ones". My personal belief is that if your husband truly loved you he wouldn't keep doing this and taking him to inappropriate movies knowing full well that it upsets you. Have you considered getting rid of the game system and all the games when they are at the movies one time? Or possibly packing them all up and storing them in the garage or at a family/friends house and telling them that you feel that strongly about it. Also, before you do this (if you do this) I would get articles off the internet about the ill effects violent games have on young children. I hope this helps! Good luck and God Bless!

Hi R.:

Boy do I know where you are coming from!!!

Stick to your guns! Why would you give in? You have your beliefs and they are true and honest!

He will soon realize, or maybe he already does, that the rules are TOTALLY different at Daddys house.

You are basically his sole provider, hence, giving him more consistent rules. There are reasons those video games are rated 10+ and T for teen. It's amazing at how violent they are. Children today are forced in so many other ways to view or listen to violence that they are becoming so undeterred by it. It makes me very sad. I don't even allow toy guns in my home and my older son has just grown used to it. He argued with me for a while about the video game issues as well, but I stuck my ground and now it's just as basic as him having to brush his teeth!

Who cares if he thinks you are a stick in the mud! You are his mom --- sometimes that's your job! You are only doing it because you love him and are trying to raise him in a respectable way!

I went through the same thing. It is not your job to be cool, or to be "friends" with your children. It's your job to establish and enforce boundaries. While you cannot control what your ex-husband allows, your child will grow up seeing that you stuck to what you thought was right, and that will influence him more than you or he will ever know. Just do what you know is right. It all works out in the end! :)

We have the same difficulties with my step-kids' mother. She doesn't want to be the bad guy on anything and also wants the kids to grow up way too fast. We will not allow our 10 year old to play teen games or see PG-13 movies with some exceptions. We are the same way with out 7 years olds. They get bummed when we say no but we tell them that we have these rules because we love them and want what is best for them. Yeah they may think at times their mom is cooler, but they know who to come to as a parent when they need us. Our kids have told their grandmother on numerous occasions that if they want something important their dad and I are the ones they come to. I know these things are going to continue and it is going to be difficult with the teen years around the corner and that I know she will be more lenient than their dad or I will, but we can't risk sending them the wrong messages and miss our opportunity to share with them our values just so we can keep up with her coolness. If you are against the games don't allow hem in the house. But also know that it can be on a case by case basis. Our 10 year old read all the harry Potter books so we took him to see the pg-13 harry potter. He was ready to watch Indiana Jones and the younger ones weren't. Good luck, this is such a hard situation.

R.,
You've gotten some excellent advice. I have a saying that my kids came to know well..." Garbage in-garbage out ". In other words if they fill their brains with filth, sex, and violence, they become numb to it and they begin to act it, speak it, and emulate it. I was the mean mom who stayed on top of what CD's they listened to, videos they watched, and games they played. While their friends were watching R rated movies and playing video games where the spine got ripped out and bled all over the ground, my kids were limited to age appropriate things. They lived and they are better kids for it. I am now doing the same thing with my new stepchildren. It isn't winning me any extra points with them now, but it may eventually. It's for their own good, and they may realize someday how much I loved them. Good luck! B.

I had to respond to this one, I may be the only one that is going to say this also. My son will be 8 in three weeks. He has had an xbox since he was 4, he has a Nintendo DS & 64 and a playstation. I let him play games that are rated E to the ones rated M. I beleive I am raising my son to know the difference in right and wrong. I do not for any reason think a video game is going to influence my child! Nor do I blame video games or anything else for the choices people make. A parent is responsible for instilling values and morals in their children! He knows what a gun is for, what it can do and how to shoot one. I don't know how many other parents have actually looked into the games but there are very, I do mean VERY few that actually contain sexual content. Those are the ones that we do not allow. If you feel strongly about his games, stand your ground you are the parent. I would suggest playing the games yourself so that you will know what he is playing. Just because it is rated E doesn't mean it is for everyone. My son has some rated E and they have bad language in them. He has some rated T with nothing bad in them. You can't judge something based on it's ratings.