"Light Fingered Louie" - How Much Is Enough Punishment?

Yes, that's enough punishment! It's her first crime, you did enough, don't make her feel like the devil. (Like my mom did to me.) Let her go to the party. Please!

p.s. You don't need to feel sick over this. She sounds like a wonderful kid.

Pls don't be sick over it. Every child will try something and at least you caught it in time. I know I did it as a child, my mother marched me back to the store and made me pay. Each of my own children did it and I did the same thing my mother did to me. It embarrasses them more than you can think. You have done the right thing and the punishment should be said and done. You can be guaranteed she will not do this again.
Take care,

Wow! Uncle, already! I was exhausted just reading your list of punishments! LOL

Seriously, I think you definitely made your point.

Your family will probably be peeing your pants over this some Thanksgiving 20 years from now.....

I wish I could send you a "flower" for a job well done.. It sounds like you did a great job.

Whether or not the consequences have been strong enough depends on how your daughter took all this. If she was contrite, shamed, crying, and apologetic after paying the store, that would probably have been plenty for a first offense.

Now that a bit of time has passed, I would have a quiet, non-blaming conversation if this were my daughter. I'd want to ask how things sit with her. What was the impulse that prompted the theft? Does she have a way to deal with a similar impulse the next time around? How does she feel about the incident now? About herself, about the importance of her reputation? Does she think the company she was keeping had anything to do with the decision to steal? Does she recognize that stealing costs everyone, not only in the prices that stores charge to cover losses, but in the quality of the society we all live in?

Finally, I'd want to know what support she needs from her parents to help her stay on the straight and narrow. Would some different rules help her just say no when friends tempt or tease her? Does she know I still believe in her and love her no matter what?

That's the kind of chat that would help me assess the level of risk she is subject to. And too stringent, shaming or punitive a reaction from parents can harmful, too, to your relationship with her and her future ability to talk to you about the inevitable mistakes she'll make growing up.

I think you have done what's right. I swiped some gum from a local store when I was about 7 & the humiliation of having to return it, admit that I had stolen it & then apologize was enough to deter me from a future life of crime! By dealing with this strongly the first time I think you have set the idea in her mind that this is not acceptable & will be dealt with strongly. IMO she has had the consequences & should be allowed to go to the party - good job mom!

Well, you clearly covered every single angle imaginable. You've done supremely well in teaching the natural consequences in your family with regards to lying....

Having raised 5 wonderful children, I personally think you went overboard. But this is entirely normal with the first child.

Two things: make sure to teach younger siblings with such enthusiasm about 'breaking' the law, because she will be watching when it's their turn.

And the most important element: make sure you LOVE on your daughter, the one who stole, so that she knows with out a doubt, you love her completely, unconditionally, without hesitation....it is only the behavior that was wrong. We are all born with a sinful, human nature....we have all fallen short of the mark, but we are still loved and accepted.

Also, this is totally normal developmental behavior for an 8 yr. to try and steal something. It is not the end of the world. You need to move, hope and trust she has learned, and if not, it's OK to repeat the lying lesson.

With regards to the birthday party....YES, allow her to go, she has suffered enough humiliation, shame, embarrassment, etc. Time to move on.

Ahhhh, I had Nicholas, who nicks a lot. Same age as your daughter. He was "nicking" cookies, hot cheetos and money from backpacks during recess. Serious consequences each and every time. After about 4 sets of punishments, he decided it wasn't worth it. We haven't had a problem since. I think you've made your point. Remind her the punishment will escalate for each event. Also, make sure she does have access to small money for the $1.50 "must have" incidental. My son recycles bottles and cans and does chores so that he can have a little cash in his wallet at all times. I do think it is a phase that some kids go through.
S.

I think you can over do "punishment" ..you've made your point to your daughter and you've admitted she's typically trustworthy..what I've found is that a child will "beat" themselves up more with their conscience then all the punishments you can think of..after she was caught..she probably already did a good job on herself of feeling bad...punishments can become part of the problem if extended toooo far. It's about a person knowing what the consequences are for their behavior before they act. Good luck !

You want the punishment to fit the crime and be a natural consequence, and I think you've done more than enough. This is serious business, so I understand your concern. Having her go to the store to apologize and pay using her own money was the perfect logical consequence for what she did and I actually would have left it at that (maybe not take her into stores with you for a while due to lack of trust to really drive the message home), plus a small talk -- I'd try not to lecture and not keep the talk short or else they tune out. During the talk it probably would be good to ask how she feels about it. I can tell when my children feel remorse and when I see that we discuss what it feels like to feel guilty for something we did wrong. We talk about how we all make wrong choices sometimes and how we can apologize and make restitution and then move on. I want their conscience to feel pricked when they do wrong, but I also want them to know what it feels like to be forgiven and forgive themselves and to know that as humans we all make mistakes sometimes and we just need to do our best to fix them immediately and then we can feel better for having rectified things. I would totally let her go to the party (especially if she feels remorseful for what she did). I see missing the party as a totally unrelated consequence to stealing.

Way to take this seriously and way to take your job teaching your children seriously! My sister had a similar incident and when I saw her have to apologize and return the item, I was so embarrassed for her that I knew I would never steal and have to go through that, so hopefully this lesson drove home for your other kids as well!

ALL kids try this at least once. you have done more than enough punishment.
My opinion is let her to to the party. god forgives and we should too. she is just a kid. God gives second chances. You cant be punished twice for the same crime. I do believe that is in the bible. I say punishment is more than sufice let her go. And I am also a very strict parent.

Good job, mama.

t

I'd just like to add that I think you absolutely have done the right thing, and I wouldn't even call your choices punishments. To me they are quite logical consequences for her actions...returning to the store to apologize and pay for the item...perfect! I also like the added thing of confession, also extremely appropriate, and it might even be more humbling for her than returning to the store. I think that you should have as many consequences as possible and as few punishments as you can. I think you're on the right track, and hopefully she is too! Good job! Oh, and I think she should go to the party...just my two cents!

I think you did a great job and gave all the right consequences for her poor choice to take something she didn't pay for. At this point it would depend on how your daughter is acting. Does she seem to really get what she did was wrong and is remorseful? Or does she act like she doesn't care and is mad at you for giving consequences? Based on her attitude to those things, I would make my decision on the party. Good job mom!

we've all tried it all least once. your reaction was great. as for the party, i wouldn't allow her to go. but i am not set in stone on this. my reasoning would be the incident took place while choosing a b-day gift, so they're related, so she should lose that outing. but like i said, i am not set on this, just an idea.

Well, the good news is you caught her. When I was a kid, I must have been sneakier (or my parents weren't as attentive) because I got away with it quite a few times. I even went on to struggle with shoplifting as a teenager until I finally was busted...thankfully it was before I became an "adult" so the consequences under the law were pretty much nill. The humiliation (and shame, really) of my family finding out, though, was enough to knock it right out of me forever.

Like you've heard from other moms here, shoplifting is something almost every kid tries at least once. Thanks to your vigilance, this will most likely be her only attempt. So trust me...you've done everything right. If your daughter is properly remorseful, I think it's safe to move on with your lives. But the vigilance should never waver. Snoopy moms raise honest kids! ;-)

And I do agree with the mom that suggested a small allowance that will give your daughter enough pocket change to make impulsive purchases here and there. It sounds silly, but I think that would have made the all difference in the world for me.

We are Catholic also, and I think you've done a great job of showing the seriousness of the act. I would not continue to punish her from birthday parties etc. I think the timing of her 1st Communion and going to Confession is enough. I would have her go to Confession right away. Otherwise, I wouldn't dwell on it anymore. Good Luck.

Im 23 now, but when I was 11 or 12, I went to the mall with my mom and one of my friends. We separated from my mom and went into one of those stores like Claire's or something. We both shoplifted, and I got caught by my parents. I was a military brat, so obviously my father did not put up with my pre-teen shenanigans. He did almost the same thing you guys did. I had to go into the store with the merchandise, tell the manager what I did, then offer to pay for the items(I think it was like $8) as well as return them. I was also grounded for a month and had to do all the homework my dad could get from my teachers. I was a good kid overall, just on occasion tried to test my boundaries and see what I could get away with. I ALWAYS got caught, which now I am thankful for!! Let me tell you, the humiliation of having to look that manager in the face was enough to scare me out of EVER stealing again. Fear and guilt tactics definitely work on the right occasion, and this was one of them.

My oldest child did something similar many yrs. ago, I took him him and the "free" merchandise back to the store, had him tell the owner what he had done, gave back the items and had him offer his services for repayment of his deeds. Unfortunatly, the storeowner thought nothing of it and dismissed all my pleas of "making him pay" by sweeping the floors. etc.
It happened again a few yrs. later and I brought him to the police station with his wares, had him approach the desk Sgt. and tell what he had done. After visiting the holding cell with the juvie detectives ( I told them he always wanted his own room). I rented the movie "scared straight".That was an eye opener!!
I'm proud to say he caught on and is now a Lt. in a Fire Dept. Don't give up hope or relenquish your power!! I'm not sure about the b'day party...I'd probably say yes, though. She did all that you asked to redeem herself to you. Good Luck, R.

First off, I do NOT think you went overboard! You did a great job with handing out consequences for the crime.

I never stole from a store BUT when I was in 4th grade (I believe, could have been 3rd grade) I stole a small pink pen from my friends house. It didn't even work...... HOWEVER, I never forgot that. I felt guilty until I finally confessed it to her in 9th grade. I NEVER STOLE anything else in my life. When I find that a store didn't charge me, I go back in! Once when a cashier was ringing up some binders she only scanned half of them and I corrected her. And I never did get "caught" about the pen.......

I think shoplifting is a tricky subject because even people with money do it for the rush. So, you truely need to be careful and keep a close eye on her to make sure that your daughter isn't one of the ones who gets addicted to it for the feeling. (At least that's what I've read.)

I'm on the fence about the party. The situation is related to it but did you mention from the beginning that you were considering with-holding the party? If not, maybe you should let her go. Or ask her what else she thinks would be a fair consequence to the crime. Continue having talks with her about honesty, trust, etc. A continued effort will go a long way.

Good job Mom (and Dad)!

I think you did great. I'd probably let her go to the party, but definitely let her know you're keeping an eye on her for the next while whenever you go to the stores with her.

I wish more parents were like you!

OK- so the long needed lecture-impressive to us Mommas but probably went thru your DD's ear & right out the other. They just shut down during lecture time. IMHO I physically & mentally visualize while I am in one that there is a Pop Quiz after to see if he listens. lol
An addition to the lecture, a slap on hand from store (no charges or cops to really scare her "straight" would of been better IMHO),grounded for rest of THAT day..and is made to complete her assignments for next 1.5 weeks( assuming she should anyways so hw is that a punishment?),early bedtime & to go confess.
I do not think she got much. I bet she has done it before. She is good. You just caught her this time. She lied to your face and you had to have the store tell you. Free??anything beside cheap candy & promos are ever free..I woud have not bought that story. She had plotted thatr answer.
Do you know that Winnina Ryder has $$$ bank- no crime history & she shoplifted excessively.
Maybe I am a hardball but I myself was caught when I was in 8th grade & I had to go to "first offenders" juvie class for 1 of my punishments. I will not even steal the pen used to sign my Visa at ther store now! lol
Goof luck.

I acted somwhat simalar. But I did not dole out any punishment at home, other than he had to tell his father himself.

When my son, then 7 did something similar. I have always told him that if he is honest with me (sometimes after the fact) that I will always be there for him to help him out. What I did was called the manager of the store, explained that I would like them to tell my son how stealing affects the store, like price increases, lower pay for employees, etc. We then went up to the store and he had to appolgise, pay for the item. Then He had to offer to clean up the front of their store. We brought brooms and dust pans and spent 15 minutes cleaning. I helped him and supported him. There was no punishment at home, since we agreed the right course of action was to repair the wrong. I believe standing by him and showing how to be accountable for you behavior and making amends to the store was the goals I was seeking.

The best part, was the item was only like 50 cents, so he commented on his that the work he had to do was stupid considering he could have paid for it.

I think the best and probably the "most memorable" part of the punishment is that you made her go to the store and make her pay for what she had taken. When I was a little girl, I took a pack of gum from the grocery store. I tattled on myself and my mom loaded me back into the car and made me go to the store, confess what I did and pay for it. I was probably 7 or 8 and completely humiliated. I am now 46 and still remember it vividly. I have never taken another thing. I think you have made your point.

Good luck and good job reinforcing the seriousness of what has happened.

L.