Stealing 5 Year Old

When I was 4, I stole a package of M&M's from the grocery store. My mom discovered the deed shortly after we got home and marched my butt straight back to the store where I had to give them back and tell the cashier, "I'm sorry. I stole this". We rehearsed that in the car all the way there. I bawled while I was saying it to the cashier, who felt so sorry for me she said I could keep it. Absolutely not, mom said. A little humiliation goes a long way. I still remember how awful I felt, and never wanted to bring such shame upon myself again.

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We always had the view that the circle of confession is as big as the circle of sin. In other words, whoever is affected by her "sin" should be the same whom she should apologize and ask forgiveness. My oldest son, when he was 5, stole a pocket knife from a friend's house. He took it out my friend's bedroom. It belonged to her husband. He even brandished it to her children and he asked that they "keep the secret" that he had it. I obviously found it after we got home. After my husband and I spoke with him about what he had done and why it was wrong, we let him know that there would be consequences including confronting this couple, admitting what he did and ask forgiveness. We also made him do this in front of his children because it was an issue of his character and he set a poor example to those children of being untrustworthy. I know some may think that is extreme but character is a huge issue because it is deceptive and sneaky. Even though they are young and it's a part of growing up, the younger they are when you teach them the value of honesty, the better it will stick with them later. My son, who is now 18, has never forgotten that lesson and he will be the first to admit that through the years he would think about not just the consequence of confessing to our friends, but the deeper lesson of what it means to have godly character and what the rewards of that is. Also, be sure to focus on the positive side of honesty. Don't just be punitive or focus on the stealing. Expand the lesson after the consequence of the importance of honesty and trust.

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I agree with Barbara. I would speak to the manager and have it set up that the manager address it with her. Usually when someone other than mom/grandma speaks to children, it is a whole lot more impressive in their minds, embarrassing even. Sounds like you have been doing the correct actions like explaining it and having HER pay for it from HER money. I would try repeating it over and over the way you have to pay for things. Also, use "real" money-not credit cards when you pay for stuff. They don't understand the concept of credit/plastic. That was something my son had a hard time with when he was little. He figured you just went to the bank and they would "give" you money. They figure it is free!
Keep us posted!

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Hi E.,

You're not the only mom to have to deal with this. My younger sister did the same thing when she was five, except it was a teddy bear nightlight she hid in her panties! (Can you imagine, in her panties!) My mother took her back to the store, made her apologize to the manager for stealing it, pay for it, and give the night light back. Mother made her do some "housework" my sister didn't like to earn the money to pay for the nightlight. As far as we know, she didn't steal again. If I were you, I'd take the tact my mother did, and take your daughter back to all these places at one fell swoop and have her apologize and make restitution. Surely that would drive the point home.

Good luck!
D.

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Here is a very good article on the subject:
http://www.life123.com/parenting/young-children/stealing/...

"If your child has stolen something, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It doesn’t mean that your child is a thief, liar or otherwise bad person. It also doesn’t mean your child will grow up to be a criminal. It doesn’t mean your child is trying to hurt you personally, although it could be a way to get your attention."

They list the various reasons for stealing and here is the first one:

The child doesn’t have or use self control. Younger children in particular will struggle with self control when they want something.

They have steps to follow for different age groups.

Good luck and don't worry. My daughter went through this stage for a little while when she was younger. We returned the items and she did grow out of it. She would never think of stealing now (she is a teenager).

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This is just a phase, but I would suggest that everytime she takes something that doesn't belong to her, take something away from her that she enjoys. Explain to her that when she takes things without asking, it makes people sad and the right thing to do is to ask first. Take away her favorite doll or toy, etc.

I did this with my five year old when she wasn't being respectful to her stepdad. I took a trash bag and made her "throw away" everything that she loved playing with. It took about a week for her to start listening to him and she got her things back.

Do you make her take the stolen item back and confess to it? It just might be humiliating enough to make her not do it anymore. Or you take something that belongs to her that she really loves and ask her how it feels to have something taken from you. Nothing like driving it home through first hand experience. But of coarse lead by example and return it with an apology. Just a couple ideas.

Have you tried taking her back to where she stole the items from and having her admit to what she did and then apologize? One of my 5 yr. old twins did that, and that is what I did with him. The embarrassment is something hopefully they won't soon forget!

What a wonderful learning opportunity for you to help your daughter with! The way you handle this situation is crucial in how she forms opinions about right and wrong. In my opinion it is a great time to teach empathy, which is different than sympathy. From the very first time this happened, the focus should not only have been on reprimanding her, but showing her how the other person felt by being violated. As embarrassed as you were, you should have taken her back to where she stole from, given the things back, and made her apologize. I would never allow my children to take money and pay for something they stole in the first place. Somewhere down the line I think that will teach them that money is more important than it should be or you can solve problems with money and that just isn't true. I don't know of one single store or person that would resort to police etc... after finding out a 5 year old stole. I think no matter who the person or store is, they would have great respect for you as her parent for making her do the right thing no matter how tough. And by the way, I might even take her piggy bank money, show her (with her money)how much the item would have cost, make her buy the same item, and then give it a children's home or charity. If you make a big production out of it by doing the right thing, she will absolutely think about that the next time those thoughts enter her head.

Tell her every time she steals she will have to go appologize and pay for it or return it.Make her go in the store herself with you watching and ban her from the place for a while.Explain it to her in a way she can understand.G.Merritt.

Hi E.,
Two things come to mind. One is to let your daughter experience the feeling of losing her property unjustly. That will help her with understanding what she's doing to the store owner, and give her a point of emotional reference next time she's tempted to steal. Permanently take away something she values highly (something you can bring yourself to take away permanently). The second thing is to help her understand the embarrassment which should be associated with stealing. Money isn't as important to her at this age than what people think of her. I would take her personally to the store manager, explain that she stole something of his, and let her confess it with her own mouth, and ask him to forgive her and accept her money to pay for it. If she simply pays for it after she stole it, there's no difference in her mind than paying for it before she stole it. The same exchange takes place. But if she has to confess and face the person she has hurt (if she understands that from the first part), and you let her know your disappointment and the serious nature of the crime, she will make that association (hopefully) next time she's tempted to steal. After this occasion, please don't label her as though you expect her to steal, but keep your eyes open to see if she's truly internalized this and changed.

Piggy bank will not help. She needs social consequences. She must return items to owners and apologize. Be clear that you will not protect her if they ban her from their house or turn her in to the police. My daughter did it once when she was 3.I told her she had to take the lollipop back to the store and the clerk might call the police. She got upset and questioned how could her mother turn her in. I explained that a parent's job is to teach a child between right and wrong. I could not protect her if she chose the wrong route. Of course, the clerk did not call the police on a 3 year old, but it never happened again.

Make her TOTALLY responsible for this. Go with her, but have HER take it back, have HER tell them that she took it, AND have HER pay for it with HER money AND apologize. One or two times of that will stop her if you have a good relationship with her otherwise.

'Drastic actions call for drastic measures', 'let the punishment fit the crime', and 'nip it in the bud' are all pertinent sayings to this instance.

I think you are doing the correct thing. Make HER take and present the item back to whom she stole it from and pay with her own money and "suffer the consiquences. She is certainly old enough to understand the severity of her actions..she does know better. It's time for her to suffer a little embarrassment and that might just cure her.
Good luck.

Take her and the gum back to the store, ask to speak to the store manager and have her return the gum and tell them what she did. I did this with my 5 year old and it never happened again.

If you are Christian take out your Bible and read where it says that is against God's law to steal and how that makes God/Jesus sad when she breaks His laws. Exodus 20:15

Hope this helps! God Bless! S.

Hi E.,

IMHO, I would talk to the store manager and explain the situation, including that you are prepared to pay for the item. If he/she is all cool with that, I would have my child tell him/her that she stole it, and pay for it. That I would think should solve the problem.
Good luck to you
B.

I remember stealing small things when I was about 6. Depending on her maturity level...what my mother did to me could work...(it worked like a charm for me). When I stole from a friends house (a stick of chapstick..LOL), she took me back to their house and had me give it back to my friend in front of her mother, and tell her what I did and say that I was sorry. The embarassment of that event, and the realization that what I did was wrong and that it hurt my friend was enough to take care of that problem first time.

Dear E.,

You do need to do what you said you would do. I think the best thing would have been to go back to the store as soon as you found out and actually have her return the pack of gum and apologize.

She is too young to have learned this on her own. Is she watching cartoons that might inlcude stealing? I know that there's a cartoon in which there's a monkey that steals... This may be something that may be triggering her behavior.

Good luck!

Hi E.,
What worked for me was this. As soon as we discovered that he/she had stolen something, we took her back into the store and made her give it back to the owner. She had to apologize to them for what she did. We did not allow her to keep it nor did we try and cover up the fact that she had stolen something. The embarassment of having to face what the owner of the item has been enough to stop all of my children after the first time. I hope this works for you. It is embarassing to the parent too, but the owner will definatly appreciate that fact that you are not ok with this behavior and that you are trying to stop them before things get any worse. Best of luck and may God Bless!
G.

Make her take it back to the store and confess to the owner/manager. My son did this when he was about that age. He stole a little trinket from a bookstore owned by a friend of ours. The next day, we took him in to confess. Our friend was very harsh with him about how bad stealing was - I almost started crying. But it was what he needed to hear. You can't just say, oh, you shouldn't do that. Kids really need to learn that this is in no way acceptable.

I would not allow her to have the gum either. It seems like rewarding a bad behavior, even if she did eventually pay for it.

I had a stubborn 5 year old that did that too. She took something from the teacher, that I found in her pocket after school. The next day I went with her to the school, made her give it to the teacher and apologize. I told her she would not like someone taking her things, and that if it is not hers, do not touch without permission. She took a candy bar from the store, I discovered after walking out, we went back in, returned it and made her apologize again in front of other people. She was embarrassed and cried because she did not want to go back in, but I made her do it. She quit stealing. Thank God. Good luck!

I would make her return it and apologize face to face...this will make her own up to her mistakes and it's always harder to do this in person face to face. Good Luck!

Hi my suggestion for u n ur 5yr old is don't always say no to her when she really wants somthing i'm not saying just say yes to everything... just to things u can afford an when u can't afford it be honest with her tell her y u cant an teach her that she also has to earn her money an the world isn't giving to her.. maybe that will be of help to you my husband actually came up with that suggestion!!!!

My daughter stole a lollypop from a museum gift shop last year and I discovered it when we got to our van. We marched right back into the store and I made HER tell the clerk what she had done and return the lollypop to him. She was humiliated and you can bet she's never stolen anything again!