Kissing Part of My Life goodbye!--Help Me Stand It

It's hard. I know when my grandmother passed, we had to sell her home that she and my grandfather built almost 70 years prior. SO many memories for all of us there- Sunday lunches, holidays, helping her in her garden, Easter egg hunting, hide and seek, homemade ice cream on summer afternoons, sitting on the porch talking, etc.
But in the end, it's only a house, a physical thing. I can close my eyes, and still see in the inside like it was yesterday. I have all the memories. Going back and sitting in her empty home would not bring her back, nor would it change of my memories.
I have had to have this same type of conversation with my mother, who is in her eighties. She still lives in my (only) childhood home. I asked her what she would want us to do with the house if she was unable to live there anymore. She said- "I don't care! Sell it!" And I honestly wouldn't want to keep it without her there. If she wasn't living there, it wouldn't be "home" anymore.

if you can't move into it, you simply need to suck it up, hon. sorry, but there it is. i too am ridiculously sentimental about places, but your sister is already shouldering a HUGE burden. it sounds almost spoiled-little-sistery to be dumping your angst over memories on her when she's the one coping with the move, the logistics, the legalities, and most of all your disrupted, angry and aging parents.
renting it out would be a great option if you think you might be able to live there, or move your kids there, in the future. but if that's what you're going to do, you need to take over for your poor sister right now. research it, take command, and make it happen.
if you don't want to do that, you take lots of pictures, have your cry (WITHOUT boo-hooing in your sister or parents' hearing) and put on your big girl panties.
khairete
S.

Your sister has a LOT on her plate! Getting busy and helping her out would be a win, win. It would be good therapy for you to help give you some closure and it would take some pressure off her. I am the most sentimental person I know, but I also know the pressures of taking care of someone. You need to get in there and get your hands dirty or get the heck out of the way.

A spirit of gratitude might help with the changes, too! Be thankful that you still have both parents and that your sister is so willing to take this on and that you had such an amazing childhood filled with great memories.

Once it's sold, it will probably be much easier. I think you really have to step up and help your sister out. I feel like she is in a much more difficult position and you don't want to make it any harder on her. Since your close, you should really help her fix it up and sell it. Try to use fixing it up as closure for you. Try to focus on the current joys in your life and creating memories where you live.

Can you buy the house and live in it?
(I assume the sale of it will provide funds for the care of your folks if/when they need to live in an assisted care facility.)
If not, then it's unreasonable to hold onto it.

We can't travel backwards in time - we only go forward.
I miss the town I grew up in but when I go back to visit my Mom - there are changes - and it's not the place I remember.
My favorite pizza place retired and closed, new trees have been planted, old trees cut down, old hang outs were torn down, new plazas have sprung up.
You really can't go home again.
Be happy with your memories - carry them with you - but keep moving forward - and make NEW memories.

Where did your mother grow up? Why is she not living in that house?

Where did your father grow up? Why is he not living in that house?

Where are you living now? Why are you not living in that house?

The answer is, because everyone has moved on to a new part of their life, the old house or location no longer meets your needs.

May I suggest that part of your dismay is trying to reconcile your memory of your parents in their good years with the reality that they are elderly and no longer able to manage in the house. Your sister is dealing with this, your parents have accepted it, but you (like so many people) are having trouble facing it. None of us wants to see our parents failing, and the house is often the symbolic representation of our parents' competence.

Get your siblings together if you can, and take a picture of you sitting on the porch or standing in the driveway. If you have an old picture with you in front of the house, replicate that scene. If you have memories of doing something in the yard (playing ball, whatever), then line up your kids and their cousins in the same scene as you recall you and your siblings did.

Then try to remember that the house isn't what's important. It's the people who created the memories.

If you really can't part with it and your kids aren't old enough to buy it, then why not sell the house you are in and move into your childhood home? (If your answer is that you can't part with your current home, then you are acknowledging that you've moved on and you just don't want others to do the same.)

I went back to visit the home town of my great grandparents and took pix of the old houses with my kid on the front porch. It's kind of nice. And it reminds me that the true "home" is with the people, not the 4 walls.

When you try so hard to hold onto what was you stop yourself from looking forward to what will be.The house is just a house. Your memories live in your heart and head; not in that house. Please consider sitting down with a therapist to work through your feelings. I think the house is something you've latched onto so that you can avoid the reality of your parents getting too old to live alone.

The memories are always with you. You can visit your memories without the house. It's your responsibility to help your sister ger the house ready to sell as it is not an option to let the house sit there. She is already the caregiver to your parents please step up and help her.

Buy it. If you can't you need to let it go. Those memories are forever in your heart. They will live there. House has to go. I know it's hard but it's part of life.

I know this is hard for you, but try to cut your sister some slack. Moving your parents n with her is huge! I watched my parents care for my grandmother, and it was difficult and heart wrenching. It is extremely hard to watch the person who raised you become more and more dependent and each day become a little less of ther person you knew. Your sister needs your support. This is not going to be easy for you, and she doesn't need you getting upset about the house. She needs you to help her deal with the reality of the way things are.

Our friend Robin and her sisters, who owned our home before us, felt the very same way that you are feeling now. They grew up in our home, their mom and dad (and then just their mom when their dad passed) lived there for their entire adult lives. They brought their own families there for holidays and visits. When their mom passed away, the home was empty for a year before they even put it on the market. The ladies couldn't even go inside without breaking down.

Before we bought our home 3 years ago, my husband's mom, my mother in law, passed away on a Tuesday in September. She was in Indiana, and we were there, at her bedside. Because we weren't prepared for a funeral, we had to drive back to Missouri for clothes and to feed pets...take care of details at home. We stayed the night on Wednesday night, got up and went out to breakfast at a local diner. As I often did, I grabbed the Homes For Sale magazine in the restaurant lobby and my husband and I looked it over as we waited.

That's when we saw our house. The house Robin and her sisters grew up in, the house their mama lived in and their family loved. The house they made so very many memories in. We immediately drove out to see it, and knew, from that moment, that it was our home. And when Robin heard our story, she knew too. When we closed on the house, Robin cried. But she also felt strongly that WE were the family that was meant to have the house next.

You see, my husband's mom invested very well...and left each of her kids with a very nice inheritance. Enough for a big downpayment on our first home. It was certainly a God thing, that my husband's mom helped us to buy our home, a home that we love and are making family memories in, that our kids will know every inch of and will bring their own families back to. All because of the loss of Robin's mom, and the loss of my husband's mom. All because two women loved their children so much.

So, I say all of that to say this: If you're not prepared to buy your childhood home and move in...don't be afraid to sell it and find a family who will love it as much as you do.

It's natural to have an attachment to the place we grew up that holds such fond memories.

However, something to remember.....it is just 4 walls & aroof. The memories
are what make it. You can go take pictures of the house before you sell it.
If not thing else, take a photo of your child sitting on the front stoop.

"Why do you feel so bad about this loss"? Because it's the end of an era.
It's a closing of a chapter of your life.
However, you have to turn it into a positive: you had a wonderful childhood
there, it's just a building. Your memories are what matter & what you take
with you. A house if four walls. A home is where you reside w/family members you love. That can be anywhere.

It is better to fix it up and sell it. Using that money for care for your parents.
They worked hard for that house.

You're only saying goodbye to the building...not the memories. Take the pictures of the front of the house. If you still have access, take pictures of the back. Print, develop these pix & frame one.

Someting to remember: life is full of stages to go through. Things to let go of, to move on from.....to look forward to. The next stage. That stage is helping your parents transition. They won't have this huge house to clean or take care of.

I take it that it is not an option for you to purchase the house.

Letting go of a childhood home is difficult for lots of people but at this point it sounds like the right thing to do. The house is becoming a burden for your sister and that is not fair.

If it's not possible for you to purchase the house, is there a way to preserve memories for you? Go & take pictures of those special places that you remember of the house & make a scrapbook or photo collage. Maybe cut a branch from a tree & place in a vase. Can you make a frame from woodwork that needs to be replaced? Is there a place where your mom measured you and your siblings? Take a picture of that & frame it. A chandelier that you can take to your house. Maybe frame some wallpaper that only you could appreciate. The ideas are endless...

You can even plan a farewell party at the house to say goodbye.

Then go & make plans with your sister to get the house ready for the next family. Maybe you will be able to choose the perfect new family to make new memories in your parents house...

You can do this!

I don't get it, you don't want to move into the home and buy it but you don't want to sell it either? I am also not quite understanding how your memories disappear except when you are in the house. If that really is the case and not being dramatic it seems obvious you should buy the home.

I was very close to my grandma and spent a lot of time in her house. When I am cooking a huge family dinner in my own house I remember the big family dinners in her house. When I am working in my garden at my house I remember learning all that from my grandma at her house. My rose bushes, my herb garden, honeysuckle. I haven't seen that house in 20 years, I don't need to, it is always with me.

Just an FYI, when my husband moved here we took too long selling his house. There was some damage done in a storm and it was not covered by his insurance because he hadn't lived there in over a year. So there is a point in time where if no one lives there and it isn't rented you could have some major financial issues if you just keep ignoring it.

I can relate, but not about a house. For me it's hanging on to personal belongings to times which were happy when things are tough.

Recently I realized my basement was sort of overflowing with tubs and storage boxes. I had been hanging on to all the kids' baby and toddler stuff. I am unwell, and I guess I figured I wasn't up to it physically. Really, that's the time when I was the mom I wanted to be - the fit mom, the mom who could play with my kids, all those happy memories. My husband had to point it out to me (gently) - he said he was ok with me hanging on to it until I could let go, but that we have plenty of happy memories ahead of us.

So my kids and I went through it all in the last while and picked out a few key things that they remember and are special to them and I've finally given it away. And honestly, it was a relief. I never thought I'd say that. It wasn't so much that it was clutter (we have a big storage area and it was neat) so much as I don't need to hang on to it.

I think for some people houses and memories there are similar. My mother who should have downsized her home years ago (huge) still lives there and it's been hard to keep up. My father lived there with her too (he passed away years ago). She feels if she left she wouldn't feel him about the place anymore. So I get it.

I guess I just wanted to say that it will be ok if it sells. I've seen so many people go through this (our generation's parents are all doing it, selling it or going into homes now) and it is always tough. A lot of people wish the happy home on to a new family to make their own happy memories in it.

I think really you're probably grieving what's happened to your parents. It's hard and I'm sorry you have to go through that. I think your sister could probably use your support though and together you can get through this.

Good luck :)

* Just wanted to add, it was really healthy for my kids to see that I was ok doing this - that I didn't need to hang on to the past. They reminded me I will always have them - and that's what matters.

I get it. I had those same feelings for my grandmother's house. Once she moved out and one aunt moved in, they destroyed it. The lawn was let go, the garage was changed to a room, removing the garage door and changing it to a double door. Further, the pool that was across the street was dirt filled and the park was ripped out and all the equipment updated to a colorful playground. I drove down that street and looked at that house until I couldn't stand it any longer. Finally, it was sold to another individual and all of my feelings for the home were gone.

It is real estate. Your memories will still be with you even without the house. I suggest you keep a couple of items you can display in your home and cherish them. Let go of the home. I can see where this is all a lot of work for your sister.

Maybe it will help your perspective some to remember that we all go through this. To varying degrees - yes, some of us are not as close geographically or emotionally to our parents, but all of us have to go through this. My mom is dealing right now with her parents getting to that age too, that they are not able to take care of their place. They raised 6 kids in their house, and my mom moved next door and raised her 4 with grandma as our babysitter - so that is a LOT of people who consider that home. It is hard but it is life. It sounds like you might have some resentment that it was your sister that took over and handled this, and of course I'm sure you wish you could have figured out a way to keep them close. If you can't buy the home yourself, get a video camera over there and record those memories before they start to fade away. It will be hard but you'll be glad you did, and maybe it'll make it a bit easier to let go.

Buy out your sister's part of the house, or let it go. If she can't (or doesn't want to) maintain it, and you can't (or don't want to), then it's an albatross.

Could you buy it and live there yourself? Keeping an empty house for sentimental reasons is just not practical or reasonable. I remember when we sold my grandparents house and when we sold my parents house. Both held lots of memories. They still do. I actually go and visit my grandparents house (drive by) a couple times a year, and I work right across the street from my parents house. I don't need to access the homes to have my memories.

It sounds like you are more worried/upset by the house situation than by your parents situation. I would put more energy into helping your sister make your parents comfortable in their new surroundings.

Is there a mortgage on the house? If there isn't, then the maintenance is the cost factor. Talk to an accountant about the ramifications of selling it. If the house goes to you and your sister (in other words, if you're in the will) after they die, the tax benefits are good. That's why people leave their houses to their children.

As others have stated, it is a place of 4 walls and a roof. It provided you shelter from the rain and created many fond memories.

I went back to my hometown about 10 years ago and took pictures of all the things that I felt were "important" to me. That way, if I never got back there, I would have them to look at and remember fondly. The home I grew up in and all the other family homes were taken, the courthouse that had many prominent trials out of New York City was taken, the city park that I played in and had gym classes and Easter egg hunts, the family plot at the local cemetery were all taken.

My children especially my son, still think of mom and dad as young vibrant people and has a hard time dealing with mom and dad with a little more skin around the middle and gray hair.

If you are stuck in the past you can't enjoy the future. Change is something that we all have to embrace as that is the only constant in life. You are married with your own family and you need to make new memories with them. Show them how it is to see the what was and what can and will be with your new future goals and trips and such.

I hope that you can come to the conclusion that this is the best thing for your mom and dad. The money will help take care of them.

the other S.

If you love the house then see if you can pay off your sibling's half and buy the house for yourself. If you don't want to do that then let it go.

Morning
I like the idea in part of people suggesting that perhaps you can buy the home? if that isn't possible then consider this.. you had MANY great years in that home, not many people can say that.. some, like myself, moved around most of their childhood.. therefore, I think it's important that you try and get your focus on the positive aspect of this.. also, go over and take some pics of the home (maybe even a professional portrait done) so that you can have it as a keepsake.. Now, in regards to your parents who have dementia and alzheimers, both VERY serious and once advanced, very difficult to care for the people who have it.. You truly do need lots of help.. We have known several people with it and my former neighbor had both.. This woman was in her 70s and on several different occasions, when still living at home unassisted, she left her house at night and would forget her way home (and leave the keys at home) anyway.. it only got worse... also, my husband's cousin's parents BOTH have it.. and one yells all the time and takes off his clothes and the other is nearly as bad... again, it's not easy to care for not to mention to make sure the people are getting PROPER and SAFE care..it's worrisome.. and it's the kind of worry that eats at you at night... Does your family have to sell the home because the money is needed for your parents? if that is so, then YES.. I would think you have to do it asap... care can cost a lot ....
either way, to get through this, you will need to focus on the positives that came out of living in such a wonderful house.. cherish those memories but it's time to move on... by moving on, you demonstrate to your kids that while you can remember the past, you don't stay stuck in it.... it's important that kids see their mom as someone who can roll with the flow...

You'll always have your memories....let another family move in and make some:)

My brother had power of attorney over my mom in the end. He put his granddaughter in the house for a while. Until the neighbors were calling him every day complaining about the dog poop smell coming from the house, then he told her the house had to be sold and she had to find another place.

So he cleaned it up and sold it. My sister and I never saw a single penny of it.

Power of attorney means she can do anything she wants and YOU have zero input. One of my friends went through this when her mom suddenly passed away. "She" was the executor of her mom's will and was even living with her mom when she passed away. Her brothers lived far away and had hardly anything to do with them.

Her mom has been gone about 12 years now and everything the woman owned is STILL in storage because the brothers both contested the will and wanted everything for themselves. The sister pays that storage bill every single month and every penny of the cash mom had has gone to pay for this and now she's paying the charges out of her own pocket. She lives off disability and only gets a few hundred per month to live on. It's a large storage, bigger than a garage and it cost something like $100 per month.

Her brothers are specifically fighting between themselves over some old bottles, seriously, bottles their parents had sitting in windows and on shelves. There isn't anything my friend can do either, they've gone to court numerous times. One of the brothers married an attorney and she keeps everything tied up year after year. I think they're hoping my friend dies and then they can take everything.

If this isn't something you like then you need to legally address this if she isn't willing to allow you to have any input.

I'd say what's done is done. If you are interested you could buy the house for your half. You find out the value of the home then figure out what is owed on it. Then discuss an offer with an attorney and buy the house, you are basically giving her what a sale would bring in for her inheritance. Or if the parents are expected to live many years you could lease purchase it where the money you pay each month goes to her and she pays the mortgage or uses it to pay for their care. You could even just buy it through a bank and then rent it out to someone. Surely you have a good friend that still lives near the homestead who could oversee the showing the home to a potential renter and take calls for repairs if needed? Maybe they know someone who could rent it too.

She really doesn't need to pay for things out of pocket. They must have insurance or medicare or something to pay their bills. If they have no house or anything in their name their insurance will have to pay for much of their care. She could get a home health aid to come in at some point to help with their physical care such as bathing and things. There are many resources she can get for them that their insurance can cover.

I feel bad for your parents. And your sister for having to take this on. It's hard hard work. Taking care of elderly parents who are suffering from mental health issues like dementia is depressing and continually reminds a person of what they might be like in 10, 15, 20 years.

I hope the 2 of you are on the same page about this. It will make your life much easier.

Sorry. It will get easier.