Kind of Bad School Conference! Help Me Stop Worrying!

Flaky? Really! A teacher is calling a 7 year old flaky?

My daughter had a bad teacher in the 2nd grade. I was told my daughter was under the tables playing, sloppy, a daydreamer, and more. That summer her eyes were tested and she had a lazy eye. We did 27 weeks of eye therapy and the doctor talked to me about how children act when they can't focus on their work. Anyway...we never had another bad year again until well into the teens. Still, nothing like this.

Soon she will move on and you can put this woman behind you.

most people assume their kids are great and the problems are the teachers'.
:)
it would have been nice if the teacher had been more forthcoming with specifics (and if you had asked for them), but she was probably very busy, and you were probably very taken aback. i'm glad you've sent the email. i hope it was worded as respectfully, since this is the salient issue and you want to make sure you're walking the talk.
this site is full of mamas furious that their child experienced another kid do something snotty (usually reframed as 'bullying') to theirs, and furious that the teachers don't let the parents of the snotty kid know what's going on. the teachers lose no matter what.
clearly your teacher has a very casual vocabulary when it comes to describing her students. this may be due to disrespect, or it may just be her personality. it would be much easier for you to deal with if she chose her words more carefully. bad on her.
but rather than get hung up on the words, and your husband's almost certainly wrong impression that it's all about an adult just taking a random and causeless dislike to your child, how about allowing the possibility that there's something going on?
i never automatically assumed that everything said about my kids was accurate, but i also would never dismiss a scheduled assessment given by a professional who has had the opportunity to observe and work with my child for a prolonged period of time under a variety of circumstances.
it could just possibly be that your daughter needs some help from you in how to demonstrate respect and kindness toward others.
khairete
S.

There is the possibility that your daughter could very well be acting this way while at school. It could be due to a myriad of things but typically following the model of her peers tends to be one of them. If this is something new discuss it with your daughter and don't just jump to the thought that the teacher does not like her.

Does it happen that teachers do not like students? Of course, but please don't assume this is the case. You should focus more on having a conversation with your daughter about her reported behavior. If she is indeed acting snotty and disrespectful this is the time to curb it.

Without going into all of the details, here's my take (as a preschool teacher who has been on both sides of the conference table):

What I would try to look back on during that hard conversation is balance. Did you get to hear about both your daughter's *strengths * and weaknesses, or was the conference primarily deficit (negative) oriented? For me, that would be one barometer of what's going on. I understand that your emotional side would respond more powerfully to hearing this unpleasant news, so try to give it the best, most objective shot you can.

Asking for specific examples is a good start. If it were me, I'd also ask for a follow-up conference within a few weeks and ask for the teacher to help you in addressing any issues with a plan. She should be able to give you concrete examples and goals. ("Addresses adults and peers with a pleasant tone of voice" or "Stays on task and in her seat; respects peers when they are working by not distracting them"... you want very clear, written expectations and goals.) Also ask her if she has any resources for helping your daughter or for you to help her, and if the school counselor might be of help.

It is difficult to have a bomb dropped on you during a conference. I had one placed square in my lap last November (we're dealing with it), but what really helped me was to know that my son's teachers do love him and were able to point out plenty of positives. We meet about once a month to exchange information and have become a team to help my little guy.

I would try this approach first, asking for specifics and then being a team if possible. I know it's hard as a parent to hear an unflattering description of our child, and I also know as a teacher that sometimes kids who seem 'fine' at home with mom and dad can be a little different in their attitude when they are at school with peers to impress (and believe me, like CAWriterMom suggested, I don't wait until a conference, but those are *really* hard calls to make.).

What a hard conference. Please give your daughter's teacher a few days to respond (conferences are incredibly draining, physically and emotionally). Hopefully she can give you some clear examples and you can move forward together.

The first red flag in your question is that you claim your DD 'NEVER' acted like this. I am more prone to disbelieve you, the parent, now.

No child is perfect (except mine). All children watch and observe and try out new character traits they are exposed to. Except yours?

I would recommend you ask for a concrete example of disrespectful behavior so you can discuss at home with your daughter what is appropriate school behavior. Show the teacher your are concerned and want to help the situation improve.

Children your daughter's age are notoriously poor historians - meaning they cannot recall accurate circumstances later on. It's a fact. So don't ask your daughter for examples.

There will always be bad teacher experiences in our lives. Hopefully off set by the multitude of good ones. We all must learn how to deal constructively with authority figures we do not see eye to eye with.

Also, I have a hard time believing a certified, professional teacher would use the descriptive term of 'snotty.' Unless the teacher is extremely stressed and frequently uses inappropriate educational terms to describe unwanted behavior.

Posts like this make me think the younger generation is spoiling their children. Please at least try to put yourself in her shoes and attempt to believe the teacher first. Give her some credit for being there all day with 30+ privileged 7 year olds, who's mommy's think they're perfect.

I don't think your teacher has a reason to lie...if anything, they probably would make things sound better than they are for fear of parents coming down on them. Listen to what she has to say, ask for specific examples.

Sometimes kids act way different at school than they do at home. I've observed my own kid when she doesn't know I'm there and sometimes I'm surprised...she's not necessarily bad, but she's much more outgoing and extroverted than I ever knew.

It's really hard to hear bad reviews of your kid, but listen objectively and then talk with your dd about specific examples and how to handle them differently. You really do want to catch things now before kids start to exclude her if she isn't being nice to them. If you deny there is a problem, it may hurt her in the long run.

I'm assuming (dangerous, I know, lol) that you asked the teacher for some examples of the "snotty" and "disrespectful" behavior.... right? So, care to share? What is she doing that is snotty and disrespectful? I would start THERE. And talk to your daughter.

Well, I think asking her to explain herself is a good option....asking for examples of what she says or does. It could be that the teacher or kids take her different than she intends (in which case your daughter should be made aware that it comes off other than intended...I have that problem too sometimes). Or it could be that your daughter and her teacher are a bit of oil and water...like your hubby thinks.

I wouldn't worry much about it, the year is almost over. But, kids aren't always the same in school/for others as they are for their parents. Think hard...have you EVER heard your daughter be snotty to others (kids or adults)? Think without your "mom goggles" but rather objectively. If you honestly haven't, it probably is just the teacher. If you have seen glimpses, it is possible that your daughter does at least come off that way.

It is very hard to hear this type of thing about our children.
Remember, no child is perfect.

This is in no way a reflection on you as parents. Instead you need to figure out why your daughter is acting like this.

I was a PTA President and spent 100's of hours at the schools each year.
I saw and heard all sorts of children and their interactions. It is not always pretty or nice.

There really were children at the school, that I would witness behaviors and I would ask the teachers and the teachers would confirm they had told the parents, but the parents refused to believe them.. I even once asked a question on here about one boy who was so mean, a real bully.. But his parents were super, super sweet. None of us knew how to approach them.

I am sure like anything, there are some teachers that may try to pick on a child, but over all you need to listen and take to heart what they are saying.

This could be a turning point for your child.

Ask for exact examples and what suggestions does the teacher have?

Then take a look around at who is your daughters best friend, what is she like?

Is she invited to parties, sleepovers etc?

Does she have close friends? How do they get along? What do her friends talk about in the backseat of your car when you take them places? How does she REALLY act around other children.. even when she does not know you are aware? Is she invited to events by all sorts of children or just a few and what are they like?

Just take a few steps back and try to observe what is going on with her. She probably does not realize at school her behaviors are different.. It will take some investigation to find out why she acts this way.

I am sending you strength. You can and will solve this. And just breath.. This really is not the end of the world.. Just another exciting chapter in Parenthood.

I've had it go both ways...once where the teacher shocked me with her "take" on my child's personality...it ended up being a teacher who retired over the summer. :)

& unfortunately....one where the teacher opened my eyes as to what was really happening with my child.

both ways are hard to take. I think you've made an excellent step forward in asking for further elaboration on the events. Keep an open mind, & perhaps you could ask the school counselor to observe your child for an impartial assessment. Good Luck!

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I think it's weird that you are with your daughter at home and not really 6-8 hours a day with other students and you don't believe the teacher. I think that I would be TERRIBLY upset with my CHILD if I heard from a teacher that he was sassy and disrespectful. He would be in a world of hurt.
While I certainly understand that there are teachers out there that don't enjoy their profession I truly believe that they are few and far between.
If the teacher is saying your daughter is being rude then you have to have a sit down conversation with her.
L.

The teacher really shouldn't have waited until the conference to blindside you. What I would do now is let her know you're really concerned about the behavior, ask her for specific examples you can cite with your daughter, and then ask her to let you know anytime your daughter shows this behavior in the future. That way you can address it with your daughter ASAP -- right after she makes the mistake.

Well the easiest way to resolve this is speak to the principal and be allowed to watch a play break or lunch break. They will take you inot a room where you can see her but she doesnt know your there. See how she acts toward other kids when your not around. If its true then you need to sit with her and help to understand why its not right if its not true then have her class switched.

It could be that she really is disrespectful in class, even if it's not to the level you would be concerned about. If she's bored and the teacher is no-nonsense, then her behavior may be frowned on even more in the classroom. My SD used to do things like read non-school books during math. We had to work with her to get her through the last weeks of school because her teacher was fed up. I think that what you should do is not worry it like a stone, but talk to your daughter about it and about how she should behave in class.

You know, when you have to give employees performance reviews, you need to make it specific and measurable.
You can't say "Well, Jim, I think you're kind of a slacker and have a bad attitude with your coworkers."
You can say "You were late 10 times last month and you need to work together closely this month with Mary to finish the XYZ report by May 1st."
Then you have to give them time to correct the behavior and achieve the goals you've set.
The teacher sounds like a numbskull!
I would MOST DEFINITELY be asking for clarification, examples and suggestions from this "teacher"!

This may not be based on the teacher's direct observation but rather, it makes me wonder if another child or mom complained about your DD and so the teacher is just addressing it on their behalf.

My oldest daughter's 1st & 2nd grade teacher (same person) told me she was lazy and stupid. I knew she wasn't stupid -- I didn't get it. I went to Catholic School and had nuns that hit kids and called them names all the time. As it turns out my daughter was dyslexic. I had her tested in 3rd grade. The school wouldn't test her to I took her someplace else to be tested. WOW what a ruckus that started. The school officials were soooo insulted that I took it upon myself to have my daughter tested. Like how dare you attitude. When I went back to talk to the 1st & 2nd grade teacher she actually told me that she didn't believe in dyslexia my daughter was just plain stupid and lazy and I should accept that.

Moral of the story --- never take a teacher's word for granted. If you can, go into the school unannounced and ask the principal if you can sit in the hallway outside the room and listen to what is going on in the classroom. If no one knows you are there you may hear a lot.

Did she actually use the word "snotty?"
Doesn't sound very professional.
I may request a second conference and ask her EXACTLY what she means.
Did she have any examples?
I'm well aware that kids (especially girls) can be quite different among their peers than they are at home but I would still want to hear SPECIFICALLY what she's talking about. Saying your daughter is "snotty and disrespectful" sounds very vague :(

I haven't read the other thoughts here, but I think it's good to follow up. The terms "snotty" and "disrespectful" are very subjective. For example, I could think no eye contact is disrespectful whereas another person could think quite the opposite.

I think it would be worth your time to get objective examples of what make the teacher think she is being snotty or disrespectful. Does she say mean things? Does she not say please? etc.

That would help to separation opinion and fact. Best of luck!!!

I had a 3rd-grade teacher breezily and laughingly refer to my son who had AD/HD and learning disabilities and was on a 504 plan and receiving Title 1 help as "lazy" and "pokey." She will not be teaching any of my younger kids.

This year, my 2nd grade son's teacher started off our conference with smiling and laughing and saying "I don't know how you can do it day after day, dealing with that voice!" I don't think she even noticed that I wasn't laughing along with her. She kept going with "he really is a blurter - I read the class a book about "volcano" personalities but I don't think he understood that I really meant him. He just talks on and on and drives the other kids crazy!" Again, she was still giggling. Then continued with "we have some concerns that he's not coming along as fast as we'd like. I mean, he's not doing that terribly, but there are 220 sight words they should know at the end of year and he knew 216 of them in September but only 215 of them last week! We don't like to see the kids backsliding like that!" At that point, I determined that she was totally off her rocker and ignored the rest of it.

Sometimes I just don't think they even think about what comes out of their mouths...

Hi K.,

It is hard to keep a good balance between what your little one said and what the teacher said. I always suggest (like I did recently to other mom H.): ALWAYS listen to your child and always talk and communicate with the teacher with an open mind, nicely and respectfully even when you feel you want to slap someone. Ask the teacher to meet with you, and express your concerns, also go to school and observe your child. Find details. Kids may behave in different ways in different places; however, don't forget that you are the one who knows her child better than anyone. During the weekends talk to your daughter, ask open and specific questions in a casual way like any other trivial conversation, you will find mores responses.

Did she really use the terms "snotty" and "flaky"?

Talk to her other teachers about their opinion. The music teacher, the PE teacher, art teacher, etc...

I have not had a conference like that, yet. But I have four girls, it is bound to happen sometime.

I'd also ask my daughter questions like "what are the kids like at your school?" "What bothers you the most at school?" or like, "what is your favorite thing to do with your friends at school?" 'who's the nicest kid in your class?" stuff like that gives you an idea on HER take of things...

You're worried about an educator who would use "snotty" to describe a little girl? So am I. What lamebrain university gave her a diploma? Let's say, for the sake of arguement, that your daughter is a... handful. Wouldn't it have been more productive to tell you that you and she need to devise a plan to modify your child's behavior and redirect her energy? Like, this is difficult-she's the paid professional! Tell her to do her job and stop whining.

I had a conference like this at the start of this school year. We had to go meet with all the 7th grade teachers and 8 out of 9 thought my daughter was delightful, polite, and a joy to have in class. One however, told me she was a handful, disruptive, and a total mess...his words. What?!? This child is a straight A student and had never had a teacher compliant before. I was so confused. But, after talking to her I realized it was just a personality conflict. She was asking alot of questions and I guess he thought she was being sarcastic or something. She still has issues with him from time to time and got her first detention ever last week. I told her just to deal with it until the end of the year but she told me he also teaches 8th grade.....great.

Don't worry. You know your daughter, and she's fine.

The school year will be over soon, and then she will have another teacher. Maybe she and your daughter just aren't a good match.

I completely agree with what Laura has said below, including the cartoon illustration she linked to. Have you read this article:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tel...
If not, read it. It's all about parents blaming teachers for their children's misbehavior. Just like you're doing, and, really, more like your husband's doing.
Could the teacher have used more professional language and handled it better? Most definitely. But, that doesn't discount your daughter's highly inappropriate behavior.
Also, why are YOU worried? It's your daughter's behavior. Not yours. You can't control her. All you can do is make it so that SHE is the one caring about her behavior. Also, the fact that you're worried indicates to me that you --consciously or not--believe the teacher.
You need to nip this in the bud. Your daughter needs to have serious consequences at home until there's at least 2 weeks STRAIGHT of good behavior reports EVERY DAY from the teacher. Serious consequences=going straight to her room after dinner; NO electronics; no playing with friends; no going outside (depending on the weather), etc. Once she starts realizing some of these consequences, she'll start caring about her own behavior instead of you & your husband being the only ones who care.
Good luck!

Saying your daughter is the perfect kid is a bit much... But figure it's in the middle. The teacher sounds not perfect using words like flakey and snotty but likely your daughter is also not perfect and does do some inappropriate things. Or is it possible your daughter knows you think she's perfect and has a bit of an attitude that rubs the teacher the wrong way? You don't really have much to lose asking to sit down and get some examples. I wouldn't ask the teacher for examples in a challenging way vs asking for some so you can work with your daughter how to behave better at school. No problem saying to the teacher that you haven't seen this type of behaviour so you need examples to be able to help. That should show the teacher you're open to your daughter not being perfect. It doesn't really make sense that the teacher just doesn't like your daughter if she's really sweet all the time... I could see a parent thinking their child's "high spirits" are great while a teacher finds the child to not be "spirited" but poorly behaved. But always nice to others and the sweetest kid shouldn't rub a teacher the wrong way so you should investigate. But don't panic. It's not some horrible thing that can't be fixed.

K.,
Please have in mind, that most kids do not act the same way at home, as they do in school.
Having said that, I do think that using the words flaky, and snotty are disrespectful ways to describe a child that young. I also think that you should have the teacher explain in more detail what she means by that, I would totally have a sit down with the teacher and the principal.
Also, have her tested, for ADHD, I know it's hard to believe that your kid could be, but its always better to be safe than sorry, there's no need for her to struggle when there are so many alternatives, right?
Once you've had a sit down with the teacher, and with all you know about your daughter, and If you do the testing, well, you'll have a lot more to decide exactly what it is you're dealing with and make informed decisions.
Hang in there, it will be ok!.
Don't worry so much, you need to be strong for your little girl, she needs her mommy to fight for and with her ;)

I wonder why a teacher would wait so long to talk to you if it was really a big problem? My 7yr olds class has a daily "color system" for all kids in the class. At first I thought this was overkill but her class is now a well oiled machine. I know from being a teachers assistant that teachers cannot tolerate any interruptions or misbehavior. With class sizes so large if you give an inch the room can turn to chaos very quickly. Get your daughters perspective and ask the teacher to communicate with you daily or weekly. It's much easier for you to deal with a problem that way. Waiting till conferences is just too long.

I came home from a conference for one of my boys in tears and lost sleep over the comments that I heard - mainly that he was stupid, but not in those words. The next day I emailed the teacher and asked for another sit down. I think this is the best way to handle it. Face to face and if needbe have your daughter there. Not all kids are 100% the same at home and at school. Maybe it is a personality conflict, maybe the teacher used words that she could have been more mature or maybe your daughter is a little more disrespectful to others if she is triggered.

Good luck!