Am I Being Too Hard on My Kid?

Thanks for parenting, Self control is one the greatest assets that a child can learn. There is a time for everything a time to speak and time to be quiet. The earlier we learn this lesson in life and learn to control our tonque the better the quality of our lives and those around us will be. Learning to practice self control now will prevent costly lessons down the road where jobs are lost and promotions are denied and friendships are destroyed. Again I applaud you for teaching your son life lesson early.

Erni E

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Hi,
I am a former teacher for grades 3-7. If the N-grades are in the social development area I wouldn't worry too much. Some kids are just chatters! And some teachers are easily annoyed, or perhaps don't even like teaching, or even may have a personality conflict with your son. The social development area on the report card is to keep you as a parent aware of any issues that could be developing in your child's life. But since you already know he is chatty, this is nothing new to you. It'd probably be more worrisome if they said he acted introverted at school, you know? Maybe I am going against all of my fellow teachers out there, but I wouldn't ground him or take away too many privileges for being a motor-mouth. I'd probably assign one punishment for that crime- like tell him that when report cards come home if he has a N-grade for being too chatty then the next day he has to do extra yard work, or something along those lines that keeps him busy, and then just move on. Because you definitely can't change this about him (and would you want to really?); you just can hope he will rein himself in a bit in the classroom. As long as his grades are good, I probably wouldn't worry too much!
When I was a teacher and had kids like that, I first of all had a bit of sympathy since I am a chatter too. Then I created a whole positive reward system for my class where the kids got heaps of rewards for listening and doing their work. And not surprisingly, even my worst talkers learned to control themselves for periods during the day. And they also knew we'd have more free-form times later where they could chat. Perhaps the teachers need to try some strategy too, instead of putting the punishments all on you.
I hope this helps a bit!

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Straight A's - RIGHT ON! I would actually separate the two issues because he should be well rewareded for his academic achievements but coming down on him for the N may have actually taken away from the moment. If the teacher feels that he needs improvement in that area, perhaps if he is able to understand that chatting is disruptive to the class he may understand his behavior a little differently, if he is able to excel so well academically, mentally he may be able to understand why he got an N and be willing to change his behavior on his own. Sounds like a great kid, in the 6th grade, doesn't seem to be shy, could be a great man one day - let him be a kid for now! GOOD LUCK!

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Good morning A B,
I have a straight A student of my own. He is also a very amusing guy and talks a lot. He is now 14. When we have had issues about his mouth, I have tried to give him "real world" values about it. I have asked him how he would feel if he were responsible for 30 something kids and there was one or two disrupting the class. As far as what you need to do to get his attention, make a deal with him. "You are required to be respectful in your class. I'm not everyone elses mom, I'm your mom and so it doesn't matter to me who doesn't lose gaming time or phone time. You will. It's my job to prepare you for your future and learning where and when to be social is part of it." Maybe you've said all of this, so keep it up. You might try not arguing about it just tell him you love him too much to argue with him. Then let the mistakes happen and you follow through. The Love and Logic Foundation has lots of good ideas and great books on helping your children and you through these times. Good luck.

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I have a similar situation. I am more concerned about the N grade then the A grades. I just think it matters because it shows respect to others in the class. His chattyness may not be a problem for him, but it might be for another child who is not an A student. Maybe if you try that approach he might understand that it isn't your lack of appreciation of him and his excellent work with his grades but his interuption of others abilities to soar too!

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Hi AB

It sounds to me like you little guy (actually getting to be a young man) is trying to tell you something. He's feeling that he isn't being treated fairly. It sounds like you subscribe to the idea that only severe consequences will make him comply. That doesn't usually work. Remember the hallmarks of discipline are: Consistent, Timely, and fair. Sometimes parents trap themselves into enforcing consequences that aren't realistic (acheivable) for their child or for the parents themselves. Parents take note: When it comes to discipline, check your anger at the door. It has no place in discipline. Remember discipline is a process not an event.

Some kids have difficulty with attention span and impulse control; particularly boys, what's more, a boys who's smart. He might need a greater challenge in the classroom. Has he been tested for advanced placement? Be careful, though. If his emotional maturity doesn't match his advance cognitive skills, it could bring up other issues for him too.

On the other hand, he may have some attention deficits or other learning disabilities. If you think he might need some additional help at school to keep focused, the school district is responsible for doing the testing and creating an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) whether he is in public school or private school. Most kids with ADD have very high IQ's. It doesn't necessarily mean he needs medication. For those who do, it seems a miracle in a very short time. For those who don't benefit from meds, there are other ways. My son, now 32 years old, was a child who had mild ADD, is very smart, and needed some additional structure to get him through. We tried medications early on and it didn't work. He was medication free throughout his schooling. Don't worry if you're son has ADD. My son is a college graduate, won awards in college for internation debate contests, and is a banker by profession, owns a home, is married and a wonderful dad awaiting the birth of their second child.
Remember it's not only about grades.

Keep you young man talking with you about his feeling about "chatting", his teachers and your consequences. Come up with an agreement between you about what is a fair consequence and how he can earn the privilege back. Be concrete. Make the criteria for improvement/reinstituting privilege measurable. (2 fewer repremands/redirects from teacher in a day earns 10 minutes of TV)

Here's an intervention that worked well for me, my son, and his teacher:

This involves getting a baseline of the chatting behaviors (how many times he is repremands/redirects by teacher for chatting in a class period/day, daily monitoring, and reporting with a goal of reducing the inappropriate behavior. Let's not look to eliminate chatting all together. We'll take small improvements over time to come out with a greater overall improvement.

1. You, your son, and his teacher need to talk. Find out how many times in a class period/or school day teacher feels it necessary to redirect your son's talking. Ask the teacher to work with you on a behavior modification plan. Everyone needs to buy into this activity. As a part of this, one teacher of my son came up with a non-verbal signal to indicate to him during class that he was doing well. The value: It's a contract between the three of you; which builds in accountability and trust. All players having their part, responsibility and ownership in the product. The non-verbal signal is that encouraging nudge that reinforces appropriate/good behavior, and it takes no teacher time away from the other students in the class. So all in all, we're establishing long term and short term goals while reinforcing the desired behaviors, and your son's apparent desire to please (he's an A student! Let's face it, he's a pleaser).
2. Mom, you'll make a check sheet with your son's name, a line for the date and the number of check boxes that represent the baseline number of times the teacher told you she has to repremand or redirect your son in one class period or day. Make 20 copies (one month of school days) and give them to the teacher(Don't ask the teacher to do this-$ and time are very short for teachers). The teacher will check one box for each time she redirects your son during each class period or day. At the end of each school day or class period teacher will give it to your son to bring home. The value: Your son has a concrete appreciation for his accountability on a daily basis. But accountability that documents his improvement rather than failure, and it you don't get a check sheet on any given day, you know something's up. The accountability is extended even further because Sonny has to explain the absence of the check sheet. Hang onto these check lists. Review them with your son each day, and also at the end of each week. At first, you might not see much improvement. Sometimes kids need to see how well they can trust the adults to do what they said they will do. The most important thing is to acknowledge that all players are sticking to their word, and acknowledge each improvement, no matter how small and encourage you son along the way.

Now, as we all know, we have to "put our money where our mouth is." Go back to the agreement that was made about fair consequence and steps to earn back privileges. Be sure the consequence is do-able for parents and child. Be consistent. Your child needs to know he can trust you to carry out the consequence and also that privileges will be reinstated as a result of certain met criteria.

Well, A B, I know it's alot of work. The rewards for everyone concerned are enormous. Oh, by the way. My son's special ed teacher attended his college graduation. She said in her 28 years of teaching, no one ever invited her and she wept with pride beside me. We all enjoyed the fruits of good work.

Best to you and your young man, AB. I'd love to hear from you about how things are progressing.

Sincerely
cindythenurse

Yes, I think you may be a little hard on him. I am the mother of four children, 3 of whom have graduated all with straight A's and 2 ( both girls) as valedictorian. I have one 15 year old daughter still in school. At times, they too received reports that they visited a little too much. We just talked about when it is and isn't appropriate to visit, and how they can be more respectful of the teacher. These issues seemed to work themselves out over time, and I think due to the fact that we didn't over-react. 5th - 8th grades seemed especially hard on my kids and I understand it is for most kids. They are no longer little kids and yet they're not the high school kids so they are still finding their way. I would focus on the positive and be happy that he seems to be well-adjusted socially and has friends, which is important for school children. Relax and enjoy him - he sounds like a great kid!

I can't answer that and either can anyone else that doesn't know your kid one on one.

Each child will be diffrent. We expect A's & B's. My oldest has to work really hard to get B's. As long as we see that she is trying hard we leave it at that. But when she gets C's we get serious with her. she needs to bring home grades each week from the teacher's so that we can monitor.

My 2nd is the smart one. Things come very easy for her. But have noticed that if she doesn't like the teacher she don't even try. She is a straight A student But in 4th grade she got C's and B's, no matter what we did or said she didn't try any harder. 5th grade she was back to all straight A's. 6th grade, she was doing well first trimester then her teacher left for pregnancy problems, so they have a perminent sub. She doesn't like her, so we are back to not trying at all. It's very trying!

You know what he is capable of doing. Talk to him and agree on something. If it is simply chatty and his work is getting done I wouldn't worry to much. Unless the teacher is having a really tough time with it, and other children are being affected by it. Then help him to understand why he needs to mellow out.

Good Luck ! JP

Hi A B,
Having been parents to a chatty kid in those same years of school I can tell you, you are not being too hard on your child. We discussed this issue with our child's teachers (all of them) and mentioned we preferred a social, outgoing child to the one that you would never hear from in class. We did let them know that being disruptive, overly aggressive, needing to be the center of attention or being disrespectful of them needed to be addressed if that were the case. Fortunately it wasn't, it was just talking or being social. Our advice is to make sure it's just the social thing and not the disruptive, disrespectful behavior and talk to both son and teachers. We didn't get any more N's.

well, my situation is a little different in that my kid is a 15-year old girl.... and girls and boys ARE different! However, I just had a similar situation. She is a freshman in a new school. She got all A's....and mostly O's and Sat's in behavior. But her English Honors teacher gave her an UNSATISFACTORY. I emailed back and forth, and discovered that my daughter, we'll call her "Cee" was the WORST in the class. Rather than threaten her, or take stuff away, I just told her that her job was to support her teacher.... that she needed to be respectful, and that the teacher was working hard to educate the kids...she really cares about the kids....and "Cee" didn't need to be making her job harder. In other words, don't be a jerk. Each day I'd remind her to be very conscious in that class...and do what she could to make her teacher's job easier. Guess what? She got an "Outstanding" this quarter!!!

Having expectations for your children is not being overbearing. Remember the punishment should fit the crime. Academics and always more important than citizenship. He is getting straight A's? If being chatty is the worst thing your child is doing you are blessed.

Possible goal for child is to do his best, does he have friends, does he mainly follow directions, can he concentrate, stay focused? If yes to most of these things than yeah, you maybe a little over reacting.

Its important to have expectations for your children and its very important that your children understand thise expectations. When things go wrong or not as we think they should go back to the expectation was it to high? to low? etc. Ask yourself the same questions.

I was a little thrown off, so I'm going to try and help both ways...If the problem deals with just chatting too much, then I would say you are being too hard. If the grades are beginning to fall, then it really depends on what the reasoning is. As far as chatting in class, it is expected to happen...maybe just talking to him about slowing down on chatting during class and the advantages that he will gain may just do the trick. You do not want to be too hard on him...I have seen many kids who are very bright and brought the grades home to prove it, were always expected to do better...and ended up doing things they knew they shouldn't just because they are being pushed too much. take away everything they enjoy could possibly get him back on track or be reason for him to retaliate. I could be wrong, but these are the things that help me reason with my daughter. hope this helps out.

Yes you are being too hard. Nothing in life is "perfect", give praise for what is good, don't focus on what is always wrong. Let him develop his social skills and enjoy his childhood, you never know what traits will bring our children success in their life. It isn't always academic acheivement.

You know what your child is capable of and what expectations are reasonable.You are his parent. Every family values things differently, you value grades as an important thing. If your sons friends are not expected to do good in school, they have less of a chance of going to college and getting a real job. Your son uses the excuse now, that his friends are doing it... it will grow and grow. When his friends are staying out late, and when his friends are drinking, and when his friends are having sex, are you going to budge then? or are you the on that God has put in charge of this boy, to raise him the best you know how... with an advantage above the kids with "cool parents"
What about the other kids... the ones who can't concentrate (who have ADD/ADHD), the kid who he is getting in trouble for chatting with (who doesn't have good grades) and the poor teacher who have 30 kids to teach when she has on disrespecting her in front of the rest of the class.

If your son is getting A's he's obviously very bright and would probably be able to help decide how to address the issue. He is also smart enough to understand that his chatting may be affecting the other students and that not everyone is able to chat AND do their best work. Making him aware that it's not just getting him to stop for the sake of stopping may help the problem.

You have standards that are commendable. Don't compare yourself to other parents. As a former teacher and now mother of almost 3, I am very disappointed with the lax nature of basically every parent I've met.
There's no discipline or good modeling going on; it drives me crazy.

Don't let your son make judgments about your rearing, how dare he! You are responsible for every about him. Stick to your guns and be strong--you are right.
good luck

I am not sure what your exact situation is but I am an old tough love mom and I did not allow other parents to change that. At the time my children thought I was too hard but now as adults they thank me for keeping them on the right track. I raised three wonderful children and most of their cousins and the reason I ended up with the cousins is that the parents lost control by giving in and trying to be like the others. I had guidelines and boundries and my children lived by those. I loved them and made sure they new that every day and that because I loved them I would not stand by and let them go bad. Grades will become very important as they get older and can decide their future. Even the military looks into that. My oldest sone was told by the recruiter that he got to choose what he would do in the Navy because of his grades and his behavior records in school. An example of my type of discipline is that when my children wanted something special we went in halves to buy it. My children would save up allowance and grade monies to pay for their end. My middle son and I bought him a bike that was at the time very popular. In the 6th grade his grades started skydiving. When I told him that he would lose his bike if the grades didn't come up he laughed and told me that I could not take his bike because he helped pay for it. Soooo when his progress report came in he had two very low grades. I went out and took the back wheel and seat of the bike. When he came home I showed him the progress report and he was very non-chalant until I told him that he would not get the rest of his bike until this improved. He ran outside to check and was very upset. I told him that he could have his half of the bike but that my half would not return until grades came up. It took him less than a week to get them back up to par and he did not try that trick again. They had friends who thought I was a big meany but for the most part their friends thought I was cool because along with the rules we had a lot of fun stuff we did all the time. I took them all to movies, camping, fishing, hiking, etc. We had sandwich and movie night on Fridays where they all made whatever sandwich they wanted and we kicked back and watched movies till everyone fell asleep. All these kids are in their mid to late 30's now and still remember my house and still remember how much I cared about my kids. Non now think the rules were too harsh. Don't know if this helps but in my opinion don't give in. Keep caring about your kids and expect them to do their best even if their best isn't the top. As long as they are striving to do their personal best be happy with them.
Nanawolf

If I understood your post correctly, he's getting good grades except for an N for being too talkative in class, correct?

Hmmmm....If your grading system is the same as ours, the behavioral grades are completely separate from the regular academic grades. The behavioral grades are VERY subjective, meaning what is acceptable for one teacher may be unacceptable for another. Some teachers love talkative students because it means they are active, involved and thinking. Others want their students completely silent and submissive. Has he been sent to the principal or counselor for it? Or consistently separated from the rest of the class? If not, it's probably not that bad. Either way, being a little chatty will not affect his grades nor his permanent record in any way. I would take solace in the fact that he is still his own individual self. As long as your son isn't being disrespectful, like talking consistently when the teacher is talking, refusing to listen, etc. then I would let him be.

Also, is his class overcrowded (over 30 students) like ours? If so, that can greatly effect the teacher's opinion of a child who talks more. It's hard enough to teach in an overcrowded class, but that shouldn't put pressure on a child to be silent. Plus, in my experience, teachers don't have the time to put a lot of thought into grades, figure in individual differences, etc. To a parent it is magnified but to a teacher it is just a letter to put on paper (one of many in a stressful crunch time to get all grades completed).

FWIW, I have a daughter in 5th grade who is also very chatty (most kids in 5th-6th grade are becoming increasingly social) and she is doing well in school. I have no idea if she's an "A" student because, according to the new NCLB standardized grades an "A" (or "exceeds") is 98-100% and everything below a 98 down to a 69 is "average" (or "meets"). UGH! So I don't worry about grades anymore, as long as I know she's doing her work and doing it to the best of her ability, and being respectful of herself and others. I would be devastated if she suddenly became a "perfect student" because that would mean she's losing her unique individuality.

Good luck mama.
M.

Mom to 4 boys, the oldest is now 26. You are over-reacting, in my opinion, and I was a fairly strict parent myself. Things change at the junior high level. You need to give a bit of leeway, or it will backfire on you later in the teen years. Crack down too hard on the little things - and this is definitely a little thing - and you will be sorry in the future. He is a good kid. He gets great grades. But he is not a programmable robot. He has a personality, and he exhibits it! That should not be made into a crime. Save punishments and groundings for serious issues or they will lose their meaning, and rebelliousness will rear it's ugly head. You may think that cracking down on the petty stuff will keep him on the straight and narrow, but just the opposite is true. The next few years are a critical time in his life. Crack down and he will become resentful and feel that nothing is good enough for you, so why should he even try? Lighten up a bit and he will feel appreciated for his scholastic efforts, and be grateful.
He is old enough to reason with, at any rate. Simply explain to him that chatting too much in class is a disruption to other students who may not be as focused or academically gifted as he is. He sounds like a great kid and a nice person. Ask him to work on the situation.We all have areas in life we need to work on. :0)

I would let you son know that chatty in class doesn't work for you because it is unkind to the others in the class. Just because he understands and is able to do his work quickly doesn't mean everyone can. It is unkind to disturb others and being kind is just as important as being smart. My guess is that he never looks at the problem form another person's point of view. See if the two of you can come up with solution together. He is bright and probably gets bored and since punishment isn't working you need to talk the problem out and think of solution together.

D.

AB - Every family and kid is different and I don't know the entire situation. That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching your child how to strive to be their best.

I'd like to recommend a set of parenting tools that I've found are HUGELY helpful - designed for both parents and teachers. It's called Love and Logic (www.loveandlogic.com) and it allows kids the chance to learn and make good decisions on their own. Wouldn't it be great if he decided to chat less in class on his own? :)

Good luck!

To AB,

I'm a little confused. You mention that he's been a straight A student, but that he also has some "need to improve" grades. Are the "need to improve" grades in social aspects such as effort, behavior in class, etc. or is it in academic subjects?
I think a need to improve grade should probably not be "punished" via being grounded, but perhaps he needs extra help in these areas at home. Also, chatty kids might need an extra outlet for their chattiness such as drama classes, or speech and debate class. Somewhere where being "chatty" is a positive thing, rather than a negative. I was a chatty kid and turned into an adult with leadership skills. Had my leadership skills been developed as a child, it would have been most helpful to me.
Your son has a need to communicate and connect. Help him achieve in that area and find a positive outlet for it.
Hope that helps,
Helene

Yes, I do think you are being too hard on him, especially since he is an A student. School is really demanding these days and if all he does is some chatting then you are lucky. Choose your battles because it has only begun, he's only in 6th grade......just wait until he's in 8th grade and high school, you will most likely be fighting a whole lot more battles with him and you don't want to push him away and frustrate him for something as simple as chatting in class.

Hi AB, I am a Mom to 2 kids ages 11 and 10 both good students but very social so I know what you are going through! I would praise your son's achievements in school; and ask him why he talks. Could he possibly be bored?
I had a similar problem with my son coming in after recess and continuing to talk with his friend when class would start. I had him bring a book that he liked and open it immediatly when he wanted to talk. This gave him something to do.
Taking privlidges away for too long of a time I have found to be counter productive. You may want to do it for a weekend, then check with his teacher for a progress report and take it that way. I hope this helps!
J.

Perhaps your son is board because he is an A student. He has a valid point, but I say stick to your guns and teach him N's are not acceptable.

I think we are seeing more and more that discipline is so important. I was very strict with my daughter and we discuss that today and she is glad. She totally understands discipline and is very strict with her little sister.

Possibly this is a good time to remind him of respect for his teacher and classmates who may not learn as easily as he does. It seems harmless, but self control is a good thing to learn.

Hi AB,

As a retired elementary school teacher (taught mostly third and fourth, but also taught 5th and 6th for a couple of years), my heart goes out to you. Honestly, my chatty students over the years were often my brightest. Sometimes, they go hand in hand - bright people are always thinking, and speaking enhances thinnking and learning. It's another modality that increases brain use. Multisensory learning is the best! There is nothing wrong with it or your son for being a chatty person - it will probably carry him and aid him throughout his life in all his endeavors.

Having said that, children are immersed in school rules as adults are in the laws and policies of their governments and places of work. Children's school lives will be easier if they learn to follow the rules. Obvioulsy, a classroom of 30 students will not work well if all students are chatting at all times simultaneously. There's a reason teachers ask for quiet at times in their classroom. Of course, a good teacher will also create those times where children can chat openly about their classroom activities. There's a balance to it, a balance that responds to children's energies.

I would recommend that you support you child's teacher within reason - I wouldn't get overly upset about the Ns on a report card, especially if your child's academic grades are good. It might pay to ask the teacher (if he or she is friendly) about the level of disruption that your child is causing - his teacher may say it's not critical, just noticeable. If that's the case, you can support your child in remembering to speak in class when it's his turn. Ask him, for example, how he thinks the child who is not as smart as he is might feel if the answer is blurted out before he or she gets a chance to think about it. Support him in kindness toward others. Even so, he will probably forget and blurt out his thoughts at times, and that's okay. The important thing is that he give some thought to improvement. If he thinks he has to be perfect, it might drive him crazy and make things worse. If you ask him to him to try, and to report back to you about his experiences (good or bad), it may open the door to raising your son's level of awareness about his style of participation.

If his teacher says his level of disruption is critical, it probably means the teacher feels that your son is not respecting requests to keep his mouth in check. If this is the case, you may want a conference with your teacher. Listen to what he or she has to say, and if you feel the information you are getting is accurate, you and the teacher can create a plan to support your son in his efforts to follow the rules.

If you feel the teacher is off the mark and not interpreting your child's intentions properly, have another conference with the principal or other professionals in attendance. This will help hold the teacher accountable. This last instance is rare, and my best guess is that you simply have a bright boy who needs to think a little bit about how he may be disrupting the class. I wouldn't stress over it! Good luck to you!

K. Gogolewski

Wow! Your child seems very mature for his age! The one thing you would hate to do is be so unrealistic with this that he just throws his hands up and says forget it, I am going to be grounded anyway, i mine as well not study for this test! I do think you are being to demanding! He is a straight A student! You have it pretty good, and obviously you are instilling nice study habits! Most parents would be thrilled if there child could just get a C or B in most classes! I say lay off a bit, taking away the phone, computer and friends just in my opinion is way over kill! When he really gets into the age of curfew and dating, if you have over punished for something minor, he won't be afraid of what you will do! You sound like a wonderful mother and I know you do because you care! But he sounds like an equally wonderful kid! Celebrate the A's! A little talking is what kids do!

I have three kids and am pregnant with number four. I am also a high school teacher, which makes this issue a little more complex for me. I, too, have a son who sounds similar to yours. He is very chatty, and is somewhat of a class clown. He has excellent academic grades but had lots of N's on his first report card. We did a behavior contract where every day the teacher gives him a rating for each subject (he is still in 1st grade so his are smiley, straight mouth, and frown, but at your son's age you could use the letter system, or another system.) My son has shown vast improvement, and his last report card didn't have a single N on it. He needs checks regularly to keep his behavior on track, and I bet your son does too. He sounds like a good boy who knows how to behave, but in the moment can't control his impulses. I think a behavior check on the spot will be much more effective than your punishments are. If you do still punish, I am not sure that long periods of time are appropriate. You also need to let your son know that the rules in your family are the ones that apply to him. There is nothing to be gained from comparing himself/his rules to friends and their rules. I have told my son that about video games. We do not have them, and will not get them, and when he says, "But so and so has them,"we just explain that his family rules are different.
I do think it's important for him to realize now that citizenship grades become tied to privileges at the high school level. Kids with Ns and Us can't participate in sports, go to dances, rallies, etc.
Good luck.

Just tell him to not chat during class its rude and disrespectful. And ask him how he would like it if while he was telling a story or talking someone was talking to someone else during it? Treat others the way you would like to be treated. And I dont think its very serious but make sure he understands why you get disappointed or upset with him and speak to him about it. Its better to have a chatty kid then a child who has no friends this is true. But he needs to learn not to speak while others speak even my 2 yr olds are learning this. :) Not perfect but I hope by school they wont interrupt their teachers because I did and still have issues at 23! So the teaching it also for myself. :) Good luck.

Dear A B,

Every teacher is different. Talk to your son's teacher. He/she will be able to tell you how much of a problem your son's talking can be for the class. Since your son is doing well in his academic grades the teacher ma expect more from him and therefore grade him on a stricter standard for his other behavior. If this is the case your punishment for his "chattyness" could be a little excessive. Another situation would be that your son is bored with the academics in his class and fills his time by talking. This can range from a mild distraction to a major disrulption in class.

Please understand, also, that every teacher comes to class with differing tolerance levels of all kinds of behvior. You mentioned one neurotic teacher. Should your son have a teacher who has little to no tolerance for your son's chattyness you may need to request someone who is more understanding. Your son will (in his lifetime) need to learn to better manage this aspect of his personality when in situations where it is in appropriate or his is around people who cannot tolerate it. He is young and should not be expected to have this perfected. We all are still learning to better interact with those who don't understand some aspect of our personalities.

Try finding out more of the cause of your son's talking as well as the results in class. This will give you not only a better undersanding of the N your son has been getting but a better idea of how extensive your response to it should be.

My opinion is based on my experience as an elementary teacher and as a parent to two very active boys. Most teachers give "N" grades to communicate an area that needs attention. In all honesty, when a student would receive all "A" grades, I wanted to make a strong point in an area that was not up to acceptable standards. That is to say, that I didn't want a parent to have a big head and think that their child was too perfect, so I would allow an "N" to spark the parents attention. The grades in behavior are always the opinion of the teacher by the way. It will greatly vary depending on the teachers connection with the student and the personality of the teacher does effect the grades given in these areas. It's a hard area to grade for teachers. Academic grades can be backed up by test scores, homework grades, in-class participation, etc., but behavior grades cannot. As a teacher, I would communicate to all the parents that they should be using most of their efforts to celebrate the positives when discussing the report card with their child. They should focus more on the academics and allow the behavior grades to reflect personal growth and maturity. The negative areas should just be mentioned and maybe a plan to improve the grade could be set up between the child and the parent. A good reward system (out-to-dinner, new games, etc.) will go a lot further than a negative consequence for grades that are lacking. All of this to say, I do personally think that you are being too hard on him. Look at things with a positive view, knowing that his personality needs space to develop. Also, "Chatty" is much better than being rude or mean to others. Hope all this helps ... good luck!

You are trying to help your son make good choices in his life and do the right thing, right? That doesn't sound like over-reacting, that sounds like good parenting. But it is important that you and your son come to an understanding. If he is getting good grades and doing his best, there is no reason to punish him. If his grades are falling or he is finding himself in trouble with his teachers, he needs to understand that there will be consequences for his actions. Being chatty does not mean being disrepectful to his teacher or not following school rules, make sure that he understands the difference. If you are punishing him for getting in trouble with his teachers, he needs to understand that his grades aren't the issue, but his behavior. Sit down together and make a set of rules, like not talking when the teacher asks him not to, not being late for events or schedules because he is chatting with friends, etc. The idea is to help him see when and why he is being punished so he can make adjustments and learn to live within the rules. Then remind him that you love him and want to do the best for him, so ask for his input into what punishments are reasonable. You may not do exactly as he wants, but you aren't a mother by popular vote.

All the things you've learned on "achieving balance-" teach them to him. Set a timer if you have to. That is what I do with my 7-year-old niece when I watch her after school. Make sure his sugar intake is very low, so he is not extra hyper. Do you do your homework with him, or does he do it on his own? Reward him for his strengths more than you get after him for his weaknesses. If he is struggling in a particular subject, consider a tudor. Hopefully he will understand your concern that he is forming habits now that can possibly stay with him throughout all of his school years. I don't think you need to take his things away from him for "long periods of time," how about, just until his homework is done for the day. I think it will motivate him to finish and concentrate, so he can get back to talking.

"Needs improvement" means just that, it's not failling.

In life, we are always needing to abide by the laws set before us. Whether that be in school, at work, on the road.

My daughter got her first speeding ticket yesterday. She was driving 5 miles over the speed limit. She felt that she didn't deserve a ticket, but we told her, if you do not follow the laws of the road, you will receive a consequence.

I know we do not want to squash our children's enthusiasm. We want them, especially at his age, to be happy together children. But, I am with you. If children do not learn that there is a consequence for behaviour that is not acceptable, it will hurt them in the future.

Now, if the teacher is just being unreasonable, that is another story..because there are certainly teachers like this. And, if she has labeled your son a trouble maker, she will be watching his every move to prove herself right.

I know that some moms might not agree with me, but the other approach is rewarding your son if he can get through the next semester with at least a Satisfactory in conduct. Something reasonable that he might be wanting...and he would strive for? This works wonders for my son. I try to compare it to working at a job and doing so well that your boss gives you a bonus. But, he has to do well!

This is just one mom's opinion. I hope I have helped.

If it's an important issue to you, it's OK to have a negative consequence. But, your son is feeling clearly overwhelmed and discouraged, and you don't want him getting the idea that he'll never be "good enough" for you! That could lead to him giving up entirely. Change the consequence or shorten the time - a day instead of a week, maybe. Or, you could give him an extra chore or two instead of taking away a privilege.

Sit down with him and ask him to come up with two things - 1. a concrete idea for cutting down (not eliminating) his chattiness, (maybe, "I'll write myself a reminder list of things to talk about at recess, instead of blurting it out when I think of it, ") and 2. suggestions for consequences. His input might surprize you, and he'll be more willing to follow rules if he has a say.

I am a middle school teacher and the mother to two toddlers -- I can help with the 6th grade issues, and have some advice for the home stuff. First, you have set a clear line in the sand with your son -- chatting in class that is disruptive is not acceptable. That is a great line, and one that I would not recommend you back down from. I suggest having a parent-teacher conference with the teacher to discuss your son's chatting in class, but also require him to be present so that he can hear what is being discussed and not feel like y'all are ganging up on him. Plus, since he seems to be a high-achiever who is concerned with the opinions of others, this one-on-one discussion might help him finally see the issue from his teacher's eyes, not just his peers.

Second, I know that you are a working mom, but is there any way you could arrange a time to observe the class? Don't let your son know your plans but schedule a time that is convienent for you and the teacher. Seeing your son in action, and the teacher, can help you fully understand the issue. No teacher, especially one who is interested in having parental support to solve a classroom problem, should object to such a request. This observation will also let you witness the teacher in action. Middle schoolers need to be allowed some leniency in social talk -- it is how they learn and process information at this age. If the teacher expects students to sit in rows, listen to lectures, and complete silent book work than she is being unrealistic in her expectations and you can take that into consideration with your son's discipline.

As for what to have as a consequence for the chattiness for your son, that should be part of the conference with the teacher. One solution for this problem that has worked very well with my 6th, 7th, and 8th graders is a note signed by the teacher every day. Our students have a planner that they use to record homework assignments in every class. For students that are chatty I have initialed the planner if the student was well-behaved that day (only a warning or less). The impetous is on the student to bring me the planner to sign -- I don't look for the student. Than the parent is responsible for asking the child for the planner every night. If the planner isn't signed than the child has a consequence, such as loss of tv or video games or phone time (whatever your child's currency is). If the planner is signed every day in a week than there is a reward, such as extra phone time, tv time, friend time on the weekend (Again depending on what your son sees as most valuable). This way there is an immediate consequence/reward for behavior instead of consequences being metted out at the end of the term. After a month of this system you can meet with the teacher and your son again to rework the plan if necessary.

Hope these ideas help. Hang in there -- if you stick to your guns your son will respect your decisons in the long run.

If he is a straight A student, I wouldn't worry that much about N grades. You can still show your concern, but maybe if you ease up, then he may get better on his own. He might be having a power struggle with you over it, and if you do ease up, he may too. Test it for a while. If you don't say anything, then his grades start to slip, then start enforcing it again.

You should be greatful that you have the kid you do! I will be honest with you. If you are grounding him for being a little chatty then YES you are being too hard on him. He is in 6th grade? He is old enough to take responsibilty for his actions. You need to calmly tell him that the talking thing in class will not be tollerated and that he needs to make an effort to improve. If you notice that he has not taken that responsibility then you should take things away that he cares about showing that you mean business. Give the kid a break. Sounds like you have a good boy on your hands. I have an 8th grader who was in the same boat your son is in and now he will be in honors classes and the wrestling team starting his freshman year. You will be suprised what your son can do if you give him some of the responsibility for his actions. Good luck and lay off a little.

It's a tough balance. I think that if you are with the mindset that N's are not acceptable, then he needs to understand that. He doesn't seem to get the message by you taking things away. Maybe you could keep that line of communication open with him and ask him, what does he think would be fair punishment then. Knowing that you view it as unacceptable. What does he deem as fair? Each parent is different. So going by what other parents are doing, may not be the best way to go. I can tell you right now, that when my baby is old enough, I'll be hearing "So and So's parents don't do that". You have to do what you feel is right. He sounds open to talking to you about it, which is great!! So I'd talk to him about it. Good luck to you!!!

I think you are being too hard on your son. I agree what he is doing need to be toned down a bit but taking things away isn't working is it? I think I would talk to the teacher and see what ideas she has. Maybe a reward at the end of the school year if he can tone it down a bit. Maybe a trip to Disney Land or the San Fransisco Zoo. Take things away when it is serious. The teacher should get a handle on it. I agree it is annoying when someone is constantly interrupting and chatting. Don't discourage him too much we don't need anymore non-communicating males!! D. R

If he is getting good grades then I would not worry about it. It is really hard to sit still in class and be quiet for hours at a time, and more and more teachers are relaxing about that rule, letting the kids talk quietly, stand at their desks, etc. I would talk to all of his teachers about it, find out what their rules are in the class,- and if his being chatty is being disruptive or not. If he is not being disruptive to the class,and he is just getting bad marks from one teacher, then I would write it up as a part of dealing with a controlling teacher. I would only punish/discipline him if he is really being disruptive to the whole class, many classes.

Also, make sure that you are clear with the teacher what the problem is, and that your child fully understands it. When my daughter was in 3rd grade the teacher was constantly telling me that she (my daughter) was ignoring the teacher and it was causing conflict. The other students were confused and worried by the power struggle and were taking it out on my daughter. Every morning when I dropped my girl off at school, I would remind her to listen to her teacher, and every day she would come home crying. FINALLY I pinned the teacher down as to what exactly was going on. Turned out that they would be working on a project (did not matter what kind) and when it was time to stop and switch to something else, my daughter would not,"I have to finish this". And that would cause a power-struggle between her and the teacher. I sat my daughter down and said,
"You know how when you are at school and working on a project, and the teacher says that it is time to stop and you want to finish?" "yes" "well, when you refuse to stop, you are being rude to the teacher, and not listening to her, and that is why she gets mad and all your classmates are being mean to you, they see you fighting with the teacher and that confuses them" <more or less> "oh, I did not know that". After that, when I dropped her off at school I would remind her that when the teacher said that it was time to switch, she needed to do it, right away! And that she would be able to go back and work on it again. By the end of the week, the teacher told me that they my daughter was doing great, the other kids were not picking on her and, best of all, my daughter was not coming home crying!

So the point of this long story (sorry!) is that the teachers do not always give us the DETAILS that we need to deal with our children, and most of all, the child may REALLY understand what they are doing wrong.

Hope that this helps!

C.
(PS: my daughter is 18 and in college now!)

HI, I have a 9 year old daughter who chats a lot and has problems sitting still. Last year was a totally nightmare for us and we fought over her grades and homework almost all year. Then I decided to not fight with her. I wanted to make sure she was learning and as long as she was then I backed off. This year has been terrific, I encourage her to do her homework and remind her what she will miss out on at school if she doesn't. Her grades are really good and we are no longer fighting. If he is sharing with you how he feels listen and take heed. We always want to do what’s best for our children and push them but sometimes they know what’s best as well. Stay Happy!

Hi A,

I wanted to respond to your concerns as a teacher. I have been teaching for 7 years and have been a parent for only 4 months, so I don't exactly have the parenting experience to balance my response. However, if the chatting were not a problem, the teacher would not have indicated it on the report card. I think that you should discuss it with the teacher to know how serious the chatting is. Children don't always realize the effect they have on class when they talk, especially the high achievers, because they are "getting it," even with their distractedness. As a teacher, I find it disrespectful when students talk while I am teaching. It says that what I have to say is not important. More importantly, if they are talking while they should be working, other children are being taken off task to talk with them. The other children may not be as high achieving as your son, and their education will suffer from the distractions. If this is the case with your son, you are not over-reacting. If most of the boys in the class are getting the N grade then the teacher is dealing with a difficult class/situation in which she will depend on parent support to tackle the problem and effectively teach the whole class. It makes a huge difference in student behavior and achievment when the parents give consequences for misbehavior at school.
As a parent, I would prefer to have a B student who is respectful and appreciative of their learning experience and their teachers than a straight A student who thinks I should appreciate him regardless of his actions. Sixth grade is a tough year. I taught it for 2 years. I now teach ninth grade and it is a little easier because the students are a little more mature, not testing their authority as much. I suggest standing your ground with him so that he knows you are in control and that his conduct is just as important as his intelligence. Of course, the discipline should fit the crime, so I suggest, again, to talk to the teacher to know how serious the chatting is. When is he chatting, to whom, and how (across the room or whispering to a neighbor)?
Best Wishes,
T.

If his grades were slipping because he honestly had a hard time, that is understandable. However this is something he has total control of and is choosing his behavior. I would have a conversation with him about it from that perspecitve. He needs to learn now more than ever that his choices will have consequences and he is ultimately responsible for them. Children need to learn self control such as, there is no talking in class unless the teacher allows it. Taking away all of those privledges does seem a little harsh and extreme for this offense though. Maybe you can find some middle ground so that he feels that you hear and understand him, but also have high expectations as well.

Good Luck. Everytime I think I have this parenting down, something new comes along.

Hi AB,
I have a similar issue with my son who is about the same age. He is just such a happy and social guy. Here is what worked for me. Instead of punishing for the N, try rewarding for a good citizenship. Everytime my son wants something new, I tell him that if he gets a good grade in behavior, he can get the new item. When he does do better, make a big deal out of it...lots of hugs and go shopping! Or whatever motivates him like video games, tv, sleepover,etc. As a result, I have two very well behaved kids. They just love the positive attention. Good luck and try to focus on the positives!

As a middle school teacher myself, I would say that when I have a chatty kid I'm not so much worried about the kid himself, but the other students being disrupted or distracted. Here is what I would do:
Since your child has confronted you (hopefully in a respectful way) offer a suggestion. Tell him you respect his opinion and you are willing to work WITH him on this issue. Praise him for his responsibility in getting straight A's and tell him that you KNOW he can achieve the same level of success in the other area. Tell him that you will back off and trust that he will make the right decision. Let him know what you expect from him and as long as you see improvement on his next report card that you will continue to trust him. Tell him that there are good times and bad times to be chatty. He is at the age where he wants to make his own decisions and as long as he is informed to the consequences BEFORE he makes the decisions he will make the right ones and this becomes a TRUE learning moment for him.

Dear AB,

I am the mother of two very active, bright grade school boys. Their father was a very bright student that got staight A's and N's in citizenship. It didn't help that he has asthma, and when he was a kid the meds were stonger than they are today. My little ones gets unruly and aggressive when they have been on the meds for time. I compensate my guidance and discipline accordingly and notify the teacher as to what is going on with my boy. From my perspective, it is a bit harsh to take away so much for long periods of time, and it seams to not work for you. Of course it is not acceptable to get an N. From the teachers perspective it disrupts the learning process. You mentioned a neurotic teacher last year. How is the teacher this year? If you do not think the teacher is out of line (and some are!) then you need to have a calm, mature conversation with your son. Find an outlet for his chattiness, and set up some guidelines. He may not realize how chatty he is, or that he is talking when he should not be. My older boy talks non-stop! Sometimes I have to tell him to be quiet- especially when I am driving! Boys are not girls- it is harder for them to sit quietly in class, but at this age your son is old enough to understand the rules, and face the consequences when he willfully breaks them. Good luck!

I believe that grades are more important. If he is being disruptive then that must be addressed, but being social is a good skill to have these days that can not be taught. I would say encourage your child to join debate in middle school and just encourage time and place. I believe punishment may be a bit too harsh if the grades are there.

I am an adult who was the same way. Great grades but I was a talker and it serves me well to this day. I just needed to learn time and place.

Are the 'N' grades for things such as the chatting or disregard for classroom rules? If your son's grades and performance and learning are on track, it isn't as big of a problem as if his grades and performance were suffering as a result of the chatting and not following rules.

Have you had a conference with the teacher(s)? Maybe you can let them know that they should have a talk with him about appropriate classroom behavior, and there can be consequences at school that he knows about if he breaks a rule or chats too often - and he could be part of the solution by helping come up with an appropriate discipline, such as having his seat moved etc. You can also express to him how proud you are of his accomplishments, yet explain that N-grades are not acceptable, to your family, to the teacher, to the school, and it is respectful to everybody and himself to improve in those areas. Realize that he will not make the right choice every time, but making the right choice even a few times and getting positive reinforcement will help a lot.

It was hard for me dealing with this, along with the N-grades, my son also did not complete homework regularly or do well on tests when he was a 6th grader. I basically told him that the schoolwork and participation came first at school and homework came first at home, and he could waste as much time as he wanted but that he was to do it first. If that meant no time for friends, phone, video games and tv, that was the choice he made, know what I mean? He is now a sophomore in high school and he's keeping up pretty well without my input. =)

NO absolutely not, your not being over demanding! It is great that his grades are great, but his behavior in the class signifies his attitude, his persona, and is a life lesson. It is a life lesson on the type of person he is going to be. He can actually help himself from being disruptive in class. What we told our son who is in the same situation is that he is being completely disrespectful to his teachers, and that is unacceptable!! No matter what his grades are.

I can relate to what you are going through. My son is also and outgoing very well liked and funny kid in and outside of class. He is now 14 years old, but when he was in the 6th grade I would recieve notes from his teacher stating that he chats too much in class. After recieving more than one note and giving him more than one warning, I starting grounding him for the things he enjoyed the most. I too expect him to understand that it is a wonderful thing to be who he is, I also wanted him to understand that when he is in class that it was time to pay attention and give your teacher the courtesy they deserve and to keep in mind that although the other children were "N" students that it would be to his benefit to use his chattyness to help another student, with the permission of his teacher of course. We all expect great things from our children and we don't want to hinder thier personalities, but there is a time and place for certain things. I really hope this helps.

No! You are not being too demanding. There is a time and place to be chatty and the middle of class isn't it.

I've faced this on both sides of the fence, as a mom and as a teacher. My sons know that citizenship grades are as important as academic grades (nuerotic teachers notwithstanding...we've had a few of those, too). If my sons (ages 10 and almost 14) bring home unacceptable citizenship, they lose priveleges, just as they would for poor academic grades. As a teacher, I have many wonderfully bright high school students who have no idea how to behave properly in a classroom: how to be polite, raise their hand, or let others speak without interruption, to name a few. They honestly believe that just because they're "smart," they can act like jerks...and many of their parents agree.

We've all worked with or been around that one person who just doesn't seem to get the basic rules of civility. We learn these rules at home and practice them at school. Our grade for that is our citizenship grade.

Case in point...the one movie theater in a neighboring town has banned all teenagers after 6pm (unless they are accompanied by an adult) because their collective behavior was so awful (cell phones, talking, fighting). When my students complained to me, I laughingly told them that if they acted in a theater they way they (sometimes) acted in my class, I'd kick them out too. The theater is now making more of a profit than ever! My students were absolutely shocked to realize their behavior was costing a business money and that the movie theater was doing better without them.

So, I say stick to your guns (unless you've observed the class and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the teacher is off their rocker). There's absolutely nothing wrong in expecting your sons to behave well, even when you're not around to enforce it.

Good luck. It's tough being a parent in these more permissive days. I've often been accused of being "too hard" on my kids, too, so I know what you're going through. The irony is that these critics are often the ones who praise me the most for my well-behaved, charming sons. Go figure.

Dear AB,
I am a mommy and a teacher. When I have to give out those dreaded "N" grades I usually have a comment in the comment area that goes along with it. From the teacher's perspective chatting isn't bad as long as it is NOT disrespectful towards the teacher/or other students. What do I mean? Well there are those kids who are very social and thrive from interaction with peers. These kids don't do it on purpose and there isn't a mean intent behind it. It is just second nature. Then there are those kids who overtly interrupt the class to be disrespectful and to bring attention to themselves. These children usually have some sort of "issue," such as an unstable home life, friends problems, bullying problems, learning difficulties, etc. I strongly believe in the power of working as a team with your child's teacher (or teachers if he is in middle school). I think you should talk to your child's teacher and find out what kind of behaviors your son is showing... just the social/friend to everyone behavior or the attention seeking/poor self-esteem/disrespectful behavior. Each type should be dealt with differently. As a mommy, I feel that the social/friend behavior is something positive and should not be something to cause great worry. Just know your child will be successful in networking one day! :) You should discuss with him how there is a time and place for talking and he does need to be aware that it isn't okay. If your child is being disrespectful/seeking attention in a negative way, as a mommy, I would definitely take things away, ground, etc. until that message is understood. That type of behavior does not lead to anything positive! I would also try to uncover the root of this problem This kind of behavior is usually a cry for help.

So I guess you should talk to your child's teacher and find out more. Tell your child's teacher that you will continue to reinforce positive behavior at home and ask if there is anything you can do to work as a team to help solve the problem.

Hope this helps a little!

I have a similar situation with my straight A 7th grader. Hopefully I can shed a little light here as I've tried different routes to modify his behavior in class.

He needs to realize despite his good grades, his disruption in class is not acceptable. There are acceptable times to be social, which include between periods, recess and during lunch. His disruptions to the class are disrespectful to his teacher and his fellow students. If he were older and had a job, his boss probably wouldn't be happy if he was at other co-workers desks, chatting it up and disrupting them from completing their work even if his was already completed. Same applied here and its never too early to start teaching those lessons. Its our job as parents to raise well rounded, responsible young adults.

I am now in very frequent contact with my 7th grader's teachers so that I can stay on top of his behavior before time for report cards come out. All teachers appreciate a parent's involvement and are willing to work together with you on this. I personally have all my children's teacher's work email addresses and we communicate that way on their progress. Just my kids knowing that their teachers and I have such open communication helps keep them on track.

My son's teachers know about his ADHD and keep in mind that he is extra impulsive, so he gets more chances than most. But as he is older now, he is able to be more aware of his behavior and can minimize his disruptiveness in class if he so chooses. So when it has become an issue, I have taken away a priviledge, not all of them because that will tend to make them want to give up. I just pick one that means the most to him and I give him a week to turn the behavior around. I check back in with the teacher at week's end and I find that they have nothing but good things to report. This will likely have to be repeated as once the priviledge is back they tend to forget a few weeks or months down the line, but if it can be nipped in the bud before report cards, then a reward would be nice for him working on turning it around.

A nice trick a couple of my son's teachers have come up with is if he is feeling unfocused, they have a sign they agree on to let the teacher know he's needing to release some pent up energy. He's either excused to go outside and walk around the bldg., deliver some papers to the office, play with a ball with his foot under his desk, something that gets him moving. So he's getting a needed break, but not doing anything that's disruptive to the rest of the class.

I wish you luck on getting a handle on this and know that you are doing the right thing by your son despite how other parents choose to handle this situation, just remember the punishment should fit the crime.

I don't think you are being too hard. Your child needs to know that during class is not the time to be talking to your friends. That's what recess and lunch are for.
As far as the other parents that don't worry about the "N" grade, that's their decision. Their kids aren't yours to teach, and your son needs to know that you are his parent and you expect him to control himself and not be chatty during class. Surely, that shouldn't be a problem for a staight "A" student like your son, right?
Who knows, maybe if he could be a good example for the other boys, and everyone's citizenship grades would improve. Good Luck!

I am so glad to hear about your wonderful boys and 6th graders A grades. Awesome!
I briefly read the replies and it seems they are good advice.
I can only add, that as a teacher ... a child who will not stop talking (of course there's not just one) is a distraction, to me and the students.

When younger, more immature is not a major discipline issue for me, I just keep reminding them to please focus and not chat all the time.

When older though, it's not really acceptable, he is old enough to follow directions better and it can now actually harm the flow of the lesson and the progress of the other children, (as the level of their work increases). Thus it can make the teacher crazy!

I don't think you are being to hard by having consequences for this. Also try to give him positive useful strategies (even simple ones like counting to 10 before saying what he was going to say, to see if it's really important).
;-)
See how creative you all can get on strategies that help, because this is a problem, not for him, but for others!

He needs to develop awareness of others, and respect for the teachers rules.
Point that you are proud of him (big grin) and that being anti chatting is nothing personal...also this is all actually for HIS benefit. BUT If the teacher has to complain, there are consequences, yes. Also treats for good stuff. Sometimes, they balance out! My advice then:
Talk to him about all this but keep it short, don't nag. But stick to your guns!

(Sensible Discipline is NOT a bad thing, it shows you care).

Namaste!

A flip side to this: Your child opened-up to you and shared his feelings. THAT is good. Don't ever take away his ability to share with you his feelings... this will be even more important as he gets older and then you will want him to be open and share his life with you.... good or bad.

I grew up with one parent who was very open and nurturing and the other who was more "rigid." Guess which parent me & my sibling was closest too? Sure, we got disciplined for things.. but at the same time, it was always fair and we knew that our Parent was the one person we could go to for ANYTHING and any help or understanding, and we were respected no matter what.
THAT is key for a child.

Your child is in 6th grade... sure, you have your rules. He spoke out against it. He is "chatty." This is his personality... he cannot become someone else. BUT, as you are trying to do, you must teach him "appropriateness" in regard to his chattiness. You are blessed to have an outstanding student in your family. Still, discuss WITH him about proper conduct... without putting him down or insulting his intelligence. Perhaps your son feels "pressured" with your discipline... but, I agree you need to instill in him a sort of guideline in how he needs to act, in situations. Is his "chattiness" a "problem" in school and in his social life? Perhaps provide an outlet for him... perhaps his chattiness reflects the "pressure" he feels to keep performing? For some children this can be stifling.

Yes, children need boundaries... AND the ability to open up with parents. It's not always easy. You are doing your best... be proud of your son... he sounds like a great little fellow. And as he matures, with your guidance, he will "learn" how to harness his chattiness.

Good luck
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Well this is a tough call. On one had it could be that its a personality issue. Some kids are just more social than others. In which case i would find out from the teacher if his chattiness is disruptive to other students. If so, then i would explain to your child appropriate times to chat with friends, not while they are studying or listening to teacher. If he doesn't learn, then i would give him consequences. He can choose to obey the rules set by you and the teacher or he can choose privileges taken away.
N-grades, there is always room for improvement. I think you are right to expect more from your kids.
I am a mom to 2 boys. i have learned with my 9 yr old that i have to choose my battles and not sweat the small stuff. Now, if he is in a situation that endangers him, well then you have to "over-react" & make sure they know the boundaries! Hope this helps.