Jsut a Question

WOW! Sounds just like me and my sisters! lol

I have 3 of them and until recent years, they wanted nothing to do with me. Now 2 of them talk to me all the time and we spend time together and my kids go to their houses pretty often.

The other sister however, well, I could care less if I ever see her. She's very condescending. I recently found out that I am going to be a grandma, and when I told her she just looked down ehr nose at me and said "yeah, I heard", kind of rolled her eyes and said nothing more.
So I decided that if she doesn't like it... too bad for her! I am going to enjoy it myself.

Anyway, try to talk to the sister you are most close to. Let her know how you are feeling. It might turn out that she feels the same way. I had no idea that one of my sisters felt like I do. We are now really close.
Sometimes you just have to take that step.

If things don't get resolved, then you may have to walk away, but at least try talking to one or all of them (individually) and see if you can resolve this.

As for your mom... well, she's a mom. She needs to think the family is in sync with each other. (Mine is the same way.... she can't understand why I refuse to talk to 2 of her sons---both are child molestors). She thinks we should all be one big happy family... and that's never going to happen. But, she's in her 70s so I just tell her that she just has to accept that it won't happen and she is welcome to share our lives as long as she doesn't try to force the other 2 on us. We have come to an agreement over it. I know it hurts her, but she also knows that I refuse to let myself or my family be hurt ever again by those two people.

Good luck. I really hope you can find a common ground with your sisters..... it took me a long time to do that, but I am really glad I did.
BTW, my sisters are all 47 yrs old and older... I am 37. I am also the only one who didn't have grandchildren till now, mine is coming in May.

Hi Alison,

There is a big age difference between you and your sisters. They obviously see the difference as a reason to treat you differently. You are a generation apart, after all. I sort of know what that is like, although not with my direct siblings...I only have a brother and he is 3 years older than me...but I married a man 11 years older than me, and he is the youngest of 4. My oldest brother in law is the same age as my parents! So, I feel like an outsider when we all get together...I have nothing in common with these people who are grandparents and I'm still having babies. But you know what, that is ok. We don't spend holidays with them...we get together a couple of times a year. They don't act like I would expect aunts and uncles to act towards my children, but there is nothing I can do about that, and I don't let it affect what relationship we do have. Try to understand that you and your sisters are in different life stages. The older I get (I'm 35) the more I realize that blood relatives are not the only "family" in my life. My relationships with close friends, elderly women my kids have adopted as grandparents, all of these types of relationships are just as important to my family and in many instances are even more meaningful than the relationships we have with our biological family. Make sense?

All that to say, I think what you are experiencing is really normal with big age differences. I think that you just need to look at your expectations and not set yourself up for disappointment. Last, look for relationships with women your own age that can end up being more meaningful that the relationships you have with your sisters. And don't feel like you need to spend holidays with them just because you are family. You have your own family now, and you need to make the holidays a meaningful time for your little family...not worry about sibling relationships.

D.
mom to 5 with one more on the way

Hi Alison, I'm sorry that I cannot really connect with you about having older sisters as I am the oldest. Plus we were all spread out when we had kids so there was no babysitting issues. When we did get together, however, there was always a sense of wonderful appreciation for each others children. And we took the time to trade kids over winter and summer breaks. From what you say it sounds like your sisters and your mother are being selfish - not only to you but to your baby as well. They should be jumping through hoops to help you and spend time with their niece/nephew. If they are in their 50's I cannot believe that they can not make time for you and this baby - even a weekend or a day out with both you and the baby, just to connect.

I don't blame you for not wanting to spend time with them on the holidays. It must be very frustrating for you to endure not only their indifference to your husband but the lack of interest they take in your life.

So my last thought for you is to be strong and if your sisters don't step up to the plate, know that it is their loss. It is sad but the stronger you are the more this pain will ease.

My thoughts are with you. Enjoy every moment with your husband and baby during the upcoming holidays. Do what you really want to do and go where you are most comfortable.

H.

I would pick one sister who you feel the most connected with, and write her a long letter. No accusations, just how you feel. Only "I messages." (Ex: I miss you, and the way we used to talk on the phone. I'm worried, because my child doesn't get to spend much time with you. I really want you to have a connection with him/her! I was hurt when you _________, and I really hope we can _____________. etc.) And send it right away.

Feel free NOT to attend events with the family during this holiday. Send individual cards saying that you're having a rough time, and need to just spend this time with your husband and child. (Still send a small gift!) When they get all pissy (which they will!), use this as an opening to talk. Not to use it as an excuse for not coming to family stuff- because you don't need an excuse for that. You can do whatever you want! But as an opening to share your real feelings: disconnected, wondering what happened to your relationship, wishing for more time between auntie and your child, etc.

Make sure these are individual talks. It's easy for a group of sisters to gang up on one person. Don't let it happen. You are in a tough situation, as the youngest. So now you have to be strong and say exactly what you need and want. Gently, but firmly. Again, without accusations.

And honestly, it doesn't matter what your mom thinks. Our moms are all nuts! :)

I don't know about you, but I'm a "grab the bull by the horns (and wrestle it to the ground :))" kinda gal. I would find a time when they are all together, or schedule a time, like a "sisters & mom" lunch, and let them know how you feel. Don't bring the baby or your husband. It is important not to sound accusatory, start with statements like "you may not realize how you make me feel but...It hurts my feeling when you ________" Have specific examples og how they rush you off the phone. In fact, you need to have what you want to say to each of then thought out before going, so it comes out the way you want it to. You say they are all older, people forget what its like to have a young baby! You need to remind them.

Chances are, they may not be very receptive at the first meeting, but they will all go home and think about it and perhaps individually make their amends. Explain that this year you will be spending the holidays with the people that make you feel good, not like you're still the baby yourself. Just be prepared that it may cause some bad feelings for a while, but families have a way of coming around, and you need to make yourself heard in order to feel good about yourself.

I realize that this may not be the way many people wouls handle this, but like I said I'm an outspoken kinda gal.

(This is from the other A. S on this website, have you noticed there are two of us??? :))