Is Your Child Someones Step Daughter/son?

well, it's not me, but I have a friend who is engaged to someone who has a son. They are living together and he has told me that he LOVES that kid like it's his own son. He doesn't have any kids of his own yet, but he would tell me all the time how much he loves that kid. The little boy is now almost 6.

2 moms found this helpful

Well as a step-parent I certainly do love them like my own. They are my own. I just share my step-children with two other parents instead of one.

Age of the child is irrelevant. I think the hostility with expanding families comes from the idea that children can only belong to a maximum of two parents at a time, and that moving on to a new relationship must destroy the old ones. It doesn't sound like you believe that.

You have a terrific co-parenting relationship with your daughter's dad. Eventually, you can have a great co-parenting relationship with her dad's parthner. And he can have a great co-parenting relationship with your partner. And your kid gets four great parents! Set this as your intention, talk about it now, and it will come to pass.

Keep communication clear and expectations clear. Make sure everyone knows who is in charge of what and who yields to who in parental authority, so when the kids try to play parents off each other it doesn't work.

You're already good at co-parenting with someone you are no longer in a sexual relationship. The exact same skills apply to a ex-spouse and a new step-parent. You'll do fine.

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Hi J.~

This issue scares the daylights out of me, too, especially after all the recent "i hate my step kid" posts... so sad.

I've asked several questions about this, mostly looking for people who have positive experiences with step families, and I have gotten some comforting responses... if you want to look back through my questions, I'm sure you could find them...

I recently got married to a man who is not my son's father, thus rendering my son a "step child." My husband came into my son's life at 3 or so (he's now 5 1/2). They have a good relationship. My son adores my husband. My husband treats my son well. It took a lot of talking in the beginning, about how important it was to me that whoever I was with 'could' love my child. I know that doesn't happen immediately by any stretch. But it needed to be clear that I could not/would not be with someone who didn't love my son and treat him well. It was also important in those early days to establish that my now husband was not to discipline my son. All discipline had to be left to me because he didin't have the bond/relationship with my son that would allow him to discipline my son without my son losing trust in him. It was important that they develop a loving/trusting bond FIRST before any disciplining could take place.

But anyhow, back to their relationship... it's good. But I still worry a great deal about how that will develop down the road, when my son isn't 'little and cute' anymore... and I worry about affection. My husband isn't outwardly affectionate with my son, as in, he doesn't hug and kiss him... which might be ok. Maybe it would be unnatural if he DID those things. But we have a baby on the way, and I KNOW he will hold and hug and kiss his child. So there will be an obvious disparity there. I never want my son to feel less than any other child in our lives. So I'm just trying to stay AWARE of how things appear, and when/if I need to, I call things to my husband's attention. He says he loves my son. And he does everything for him a father would do. He plays with him, does manly things with him, like teaches him how to build things with wood, takes him fishing, rough houses with him (they both love that way too much - it drives me insane, but it's a guy thing, I guess...), he helps him with his basic needs, etc. So my husband does appear to be doing the right things. I just hope that when the new baby comes, and he realizes what it really feels like to LOVE your child, that he will find that his heart expands to love my son even more, rather than less. That scares me because I've seen it go the opposite way with people close to us... but as I said, all I can do is keep an eye on things, keep lines of communication very open, so the second I sense something is askew, we talk to get things back on track, and pray.

This weighs heavily on me. But for now, I guess things are as well as could be hoped for?

ETA: My son's father is very much a part of his life, and my son does get lots of hugs and kisses from his dad, and from my father. My husband does occasionally hug him, he'll lay with him on the couch with him and watch tv, and he'll tell him he loves him... and my son's father and I have a wonderful friendship. So he doesn't have to deal with any bad mouthing...

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter's dad is on his 4th or 5th girlfiend (our kiddo is only 5). They have all been nice to her and she has never had anything bad to report about them. And trust me, I ask!

I don't think there is a best time to bond w/ a future step child. I think it really depends on the kid and their parents relationship. If they are bad to each other, I think it's harder for the kid to bond w/ a new person. If everyone can get along, I think the kid bonds better.

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Hi, J.:
Are you communicating this desire with
those who you intend to be in relationship with?

You are already planting the seeds of positive relationships.
Good job.
D.

1 mom found this helpful

I started dating my SO when his son was 4 he is now 10 and we get along great. Sometimes he gets along better with me than his dad. His daughters were 11 and 12. they are now 17 and 18. We were closer when they were younger, now they are busy with friends, dating, etc. We also have a son together who is 3 now. They have had their moments. The girls used to fight a lot since they are so close in age but now get along since they are older. I guess you just have to gauge how someone you are dating reacts to your child. I was nervous meeting my bf kids because I knew if it didn't go well, the relationship would probably end. My sister has broken up with ppl before because they didn;t do well with her kids. Hopefully you meet someone that will love you and your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

My son was 2 when I started dating my husband (my son is now 8) and it took about two years but through that time his biological father slowly stopped coming around. And actually is now completely out of the picture as he signed off his rights and my husband adopted my son a month ago.

I'd have to say in the beginning it was easy but around age 4-5 he started doing that whole I'm only listening to my mommy bit but we made sure that he knew that DH was just as in charge as I am same as a teacher in school or counselor at camp. Once he got over that things have been great he was calling him Daddy Chris for about a year before he just started calling him Daddy and that was only after we got engaged.

It really depends on all the adults involved how smooth things go. Just make sure everyone is on the same page and I'd say everything will work out.

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My husband came into my older kid's lives when they were 11 and 9, and they get along great. The love is different, in a way, but they have a good, trusting relationship, and have fun around each other. When we got married, my daughter and son were our best man and maid of honor, and as part of the vows, there was a part where he voiced his commitment to love and be there for them - it was really special. He really is 'all-in' as a dad, and helps me with everything. Just make sure that you make your future husband's relationship with your daughter a big part of your considerations. And make sure your daughter has an open-minded and respectful attitude. And DO NOT let your daughter meet your potential suitors until you are seriously considering them as husband material. She doesn't even need to know you are dating, just that you are 'meeting a friend for dinner', or something like that.

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I'm a step parent and love my kids as if they were my own. I'm not their "mom" but I am their parent, as is their step-dad. I think that as long as you guys pick people who honestly like your kids, you'll be fine.

I also think that people read problems with their step-kids as because of the "step" nature of the relationship. Your step kid can be driving you crazy in the exact same way your bio-kid drives you crazy. But someone who hasn't had a kid reads it as "it is because they are a step."

1 mom found this helpful

I am a step mother and my children are someones step children and I think you can definitely love them like your own. In our house we always say blood isnt what makes you family. My husband is my kids dad and they have a great relationship as do I with my step son. My kids were 2,4 and 6 and my step son just turned 7 when we got married.So dont worry it definitely can work it just takes time.

My daughter is my husband's stepdaughter... she would never know it, she calls him Daddy. He's been in her life since she was 2.5 y/o, she'll be 6 y/o in Sept.

If we stay married for 5 years, we've already talked about him adopting her.

I cannot really answer this from a personal point of view, but I can tell you about my husband's experience with this You will have to keep in mind that I happen to be married to one of the greatest guys in the whole wide world ;-) so I can't guarantee that everyone will feel this way. When we met, he had broken up a long term (like 3+yr) relationship about 6 mos earlier. Apparently though, there had been several break ups during that time. The girl he was dating, as best I can tell, was a complete mess. She would call him all the time and ask for things...ie help, favors and money even though they were broken up. When he'd refuse, she'd go nuts...threaten him, broke into his house through a window once to have an argument, made a false claim against his dental license to the state board (she was never his patient...his partner treated her, but still had to go through the investigation before the claims were thrown out) etc. Mind you, this was after she broke up with him and cheated on him because he was "too boring" having a real job and not wanting to go out and get drunk all nights of the week at clubs with her.

However, she had a lovely 6 yr old daughter from an earlier relationship. My husband had known the child since she was about 3 yrs old. He took care of her, taught her how to read, brushed her teeth with her almost every night before he left to go home (a dentist thing I guess), and paid for her to go to private school and after school activities like dance etc. because her mother couldn't come close to affording any of that. He even finished paying the year's tuition well after he and the mother broke up.

I couldn't understand at all how, with the things his ex-GF had done, why he would have anything to do with a child that wasn't his let alone help support her financially. He told me that basically, he was the only person she knew as a father, and her mother wasn't very stable. He really bonded with her. He told me that breaking up with his ex-GF was really breaking up with 2 people, and, while he didn't want to be with the GF, he loved the little girl. It broke his heart to lose that relationship. He told me honestly, if not for the child, he would have left a long time ago.

After we were together for about a year, I remember his debating whether or not he should still send bday and Christmas gifts to the girl. Her family advised him not to, so we didn't. But, as you can see, he fully accepted and cared for this little girl. So yes, a "step-parent" or even just a SO who wasn't married to nor living with the parent can love a step-child very much. I don't know how this will compare how he feels about our own children...we will find out as our first is due in 3 weeks.

Hope that helps.