M.K. asks from Waldorf, MD on March 04, 2008
They Can't Stand Each Other!!!!
I need help!!!!!!!! The father of my child does not like my boyfriend. My boyfriend can't stand my childs father. What do I do? The strange thing is they never met and have never exchanged words but for some ODD reason they don't like one another. My child is comfortable with my boyfriend and he is comfortable with my child. My boyfriend say im toooo involved with my child's father b/c we talk everyday and we have basic conversation more than just about the child. I don't see a problem with that. I would much rather be friends than enemies! My child knows exactly who "Daddy" is and I dont stop him from seeing or talking to him whenever he want to. My child's father doesnt like the boyfriend because........I really don't know!!! What is the problem????????????
N.D. answers from Washington DC on March 05, 2008
Hi K. From reading your request, I guess it can be looked at a few ways: There are some people, men and women, who are more secure in themselves, and might be okay with you and your child's father having basic conversation about things other than the child. And would not care if you talked everyday. The issue there is really about security and trust. On the other hand, for someone who is not so secure, that might be an issue for them. If your relationship with your boyfriend is pretty solid, then you guys might want to establish some things on that front, i.e. maybe not talking to him everyday or keeping the conversing to a minimum. That miay be the only reason he even has a problem with your child's father in the first place and might be "acting out" in a sense. And consider the fact that your child's father doesn't like your boyfriend, yet you guys still talk everyday about other things. Maybe your child's father wants to keep a connection established between the two of you that has nothing to do with the child. You do have to figure out a balance, because it is important and easier to have a relationship when you are co-parenting where there is great communication and a great relationship, and depending on how important and committed you are to your new relationship, you may have to set some boundaries with BOTH men.
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M.P. answers from Washington DC on March 04, 2008
M. K - The problem is that most people do not see life the same way you do. At first I just wanted to say
The problems is ~ Men
But, in the end we all know that is a generalization and that woman can be the same way too.
I think the ball is in your court to try and settle this between them in a "safe" environment... perhaps a public place for dinner or something! That is what we found best to do when things became pretty ugly with the X. While is still has not made things totally peaceful, we all singed an agreement that we would find a way to get along for the sake of ALL the kids. For the most part it has worked for 4 years. There are still dislike issues, but I can tell you I am the big enough woman to look past it. So perhaps one of the men in your situation will be the same way!
Mama to Bryce~10 Austin~7 Taylor~2
Step Mama to Nich~16 Christian~15
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T.B. answers from Norfolk on March 04, 2008
I have kind of the same problem here. My ex-husband can't stand my fiance, but there is not reason for him not to. My fiance does have a reason to dislike my ex though. I think with my situation, my ex is angry that I am finally happy with someone. He always told me that I would not find anyone that would make me and my children happy and this is a problem for him.
As far as being able to remain friends with your child's father, that is great. It is easier to co-parent that way, rather than having to fight with him all the time about what the child needs. I would explain to your boyfriend that just because you are still friends with your child's father, it does not mean that you are going back to him (this seems to be a fear of men in that situation).
Just my opinion! Hope it helps.
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A.F. answers from Norfolk on March 05, 2008
oh come on,you know exactly what is going on...lets not play coy here. but the thing is you need to find your new normal.you are ither gona have to back off with your ex and make things more all about the baby buisness and not so much were best friends...because lets face it,no man not just your current boyfriend is gona like you being that close to the father of your child.or you can move on to anouther guy who will just accept your relationship with your ex(good luck finding that)i am just afraid you are setting yourself up for failure by holding on so closly to your ex,your gona make it very difficult for a new relationship to blossom. honestly it sounds like there are still feelings there with both you and your ex and if i can pick up on that from never talking to you imagen what your new man is picking up on.even if you are totaly over your ex and the feelings are just on his side you are not helpng the situation by still remaining so close to him. there is a big difference with remaining on good terms with your ex,and not cutting the emotioal ties. good luck.
T.M. answers from Norfolk on March 05, 2008
Why is it important to you that the two of them get along? It's over between you and your ex right, and the only person who still needs the bond with your ex is your son. If your boyfriend was very cordial and friendly with one of his ex's, how would that make you feel? Jealous maybe? Suspicious? Men are egotistical and territorial. You should expect that they will not get along. The ones that do get along are the ones that have the abnormal relationship. What future do you see for you and your boyfriend? If he is important to you and your son, then you probably want to keep your conversations with your ex, short and to the point (except in extreme cases) and work on keeping your relationship with your boyfriend harmonious. I can see no other reason for you maintaining a meaningful friendship with your ex, unless you plan on getting back together with him. And of course by no means, let anything come between the relationship your son has with his father...but that's their relationship (father and son) and you are no longer a part of that family. Your son has two families now and trust me, it works when you allow it to. Good luck!!
C.C. answers from Washington DC on March 07, 2008
Hi M. K.
I understand how in the middle you must feel. I am glad to see though that the child is comfortable with the boyfriend and knows who "daddy" is. I am also very glad to see that you speak with the father and that you are on friendly terms. This man will forever be in your life because of your son. It is extremely important that your son sees that he is able to love both of you freely and without any loyalty issues.
As for how both men are reacting, there is often more than can be said in a message board, not knowing all the details. Here a but a few suggestions.
It could be that your ex-spouse is afraid of loosing his son's affection and love. I don't know the details of the visits, but he may fear that the boyfriend is having more time and fun than he is. (Again, not knowing all the details, I am only guessing).
As for the boyfriend, he fears that your involvement with the dad is more than just because of your son. He may feel insecure in your relationship and fears you will go back to him.
As in all steprelationships, it is important to lay down ground rules at the beginning of the relationship with regards to roles, house rules, and anything that will be a possible conflict. Although it doesn't sound very romantic, I tend to see it as entering a business contract and there needs to be negotiations before the deal is sealed.
There are excellent books on steprelationships, "Living in Step", "House Rules" and "He's OK She's OK". There are also several websites that you can look up. www.stepfamily.org and www.coachingsteps.com
I acknowledge that being a single parent and doing what is right can be very difficult and confusing. I hope you will find this useful.
C. L. C.
A.F. answers from Washington DC on March 05, 2008
Playing devil's advocate, if you talk to your son's father about more than just your son, why don't you know why he doesn't like your boyfriend? Or do you know and just don't want to admit it? Is your boyfriend jealous? If so, kick him to the curb! That is no way to live - and NOT the way you want your son raised! Is your ex a valuable friend? Some parents are better friends than lovers and more effective parents as "just friends". If your boyfriend truly doesn't trust you, figure out why he doesn't trust you. If it's his insecurity NOTHING you do will change it. If it's your behavior ONLY YOU can change it. My thoughts are that your ex doesn't like your boyfriend because he's not what's best for you or his son. OR - your ex is jealous and insecure and you don't need him as a friend. You can co-parent without being friends. Only you have the control. Only you can change your life and only you can control how you raise your son. Good luck. It's a hard thing to do, but you need to start putting your son's well-being before your "supposed" happiness.
L.N. answers from Washington DC on March 04, 2008
I don't know the answer to the following question, but the answer you give might help you understand at least your boyfriend's position. if the tables were turned, and this was the situation you were in instead of your bf how comfortable would you feel if your bf had friendly conversations with his ex that went beyond their child? would you be comfortable with that? your ex not liking your bf is simple, there is another man in his child's life. not good in his eyes.