They Can't Stand Each Other!!!!

Hi K. From reading your request, I guess it can be looked at a few ways: There are some people, men and women, who are more secure in themselves, and might be okay with you and your child's father having basic conversation about things other than the child. And would not care if you talked everyday. The issue there is really about security and trust. On the other hand, for someone who is not so secure, that might be an issue for them. If your relationship with your boyfriend is pretty solid, then you guys might want to establish some things on that front, i.e. maybe not talking to him everyday or keeping the conversing to a minimum. That miay be the only reason he even has a problem with your child's father in the first place and might be "acting out" in a sense. And consider the fact that your child's father doesn't like your boyfriend, yet you guys still talk everyday about other things. Maybe your child's father wants to keep a connection established between the two of you that has nothing to do with the child. You do have to figure out a balance, because it is important and easier to have a relationship when you are co-parenting where there is great communication and a great relationship, and depending on how important and committed you are to your new relationship, you may have to set some boundaries with BOTH men.

M. K - The problem is that most people do not see life the same way you do. At first I just wanted to say

The problems is ~ Men

But, in the end we all know that is a generalization and that woman can be the same way too.

What is important is that they figure out a way to work it out or your son will eventually begin the feel the stress and anxiety of it and feel forced to choose.

I think the ball is in your court to try and settle this between them in a "safe" environment... perhaps a public place for dinner or something! That is what we found best to do when things became pretty ugly with the X. While is still has not made things totally peaceful, we all singed an agreement that we would find a way to get along for the sake of ALL the kids. For the most part it has worked for 4 years. There are still dislike issues, but I can tell you I am the big enough woman to look past it. So perhaps one of the men in your situation will be the same way!

HTH
Jenn
Mama to Bryce~10 Austin~7 Taylor~2
Step Mama to Nich~16 Christian~15

I have kind of the same problem here. My ex-husband can't stand my fiance, but there is not reason for him not to. My fiance does have a reason to dislike my ex though. I think with my situation, my ex is angry that I am finally happy with someone. He always told me that I would not find anyone that would make me and my children happy and this is a problem for him.

As far as being able to remain friends with your child's father, that is great. It is easier to co-parent that way, rather than having to fight with him all the time about what the child needs. I would explain to your boyfriend that just because you are still friends with your child's father, it does not mean that you are going back to him (this seems to be a fear of men in that situation).

Just my opinion! Hope it helps.

Plain and simple. They are jealous of each other. One wants you to be his childs M., not a woman, and the other wants you to be his, not the baby's daddy's. You need to inform both of them that they have no reason to hate each other, especially since they haven't met. Most dads won't like their kids moms talking to someone else, much less dating them, because they feel that is taking time and attention away from the kids. The boyfriend sounds like a good enough guy, but he needs to realize that the dad is going to be around, so he needs to chill out about it. It is awesome that you and your kiddos dad are still able to talk w/o cursing at each other and fighting the whole time.

theyare jelous...plain and simple. if they start talking about the other stop them in their tracks and say you arent interested in talking about them or hearing about them. if they cant stop tell them you have to go now. they will get the hint.

Here is the perspective of someone who has been through several divorces in her lifetime (my parents, not mine) My mom and dad are great friends, it took a while to get there but I can't imagine it any other way. Your child comes first and that means that he should be able to see his parents parenting as a unit, not fighting with each other and certainly not having bad feelings between the two men in his life. I say that you need to spell it out for both of the guys in your life. Maybe they need to meet and find out that they are both not as bad as they thought. Until then you need to know (and so does your boyfriend) that talking with your ex and having a good friendship with him is the BEST thing for your child.

How old is the child? How long have you and Boyfriend been together? Is the ex in a new relationship?

I think that it's partially territorial. My guess is that boyfriend doesn't like the ex involved with is lady and ex doesn't like boyfriend involved with his child (esp. if he doesn't see the kid as much as he'd like). They need to just agree to disagree and stay out of each other's way for the sake of the child involved. They do not have to get along, but they should be civil to each other around the child and should not slam the other party in front of the child.

The boyfriend probably feels like the father is taking your time and attention. Some of it may be true. Some of it may be jealousy. You and he have to work it out. It's hard to be the stepparent and some people are not cut out to be one. You have to share your relationship with children and (to an extent) the ex. You should also consider if all the conversations are necessary. If you are being overly friendly with the ex then the boyfriend's feelings are at least somewhat justified. It can be hard to hear your sig. other laughing with the ex about something not related to the kids. If it's an every day thing...that can get on your nerves. It's better not to be enemies, but there's a line between being friendly and too friendly, IMO.

You also should have personal boundaries so that when/if they start getting into it with you in the middle, you extract yourself/don't talk about it.

I don't think it is an odd reason. I think the reason is that the boyfriend is probably wondering why you two divorced if you get along so well. Do you still have feelings for each other? I could see talking about schedules, school once a week but not everyday. Your ex is still a BIG part of your life when he needs to just be a BIG part of your child's life. If the boyfriend didn't have a problem with it it wouldn't be a big deal but if he does you have to ask yourself is the conversation with the ex worth it? How much do you care about the boyfriends feelings? Of course, I don't know the whole situation but I would just think about it from all angles. It might seem alittle confusing to both guys. Does your ex have a girlfriend or wife? If he did and they didn't want him to talk to you everyday what would he do? Same way with the boyfriend. Does he talk to other girls that he has been intimate with everyday? Relationships are hard to figure out sometimes. I can imagine it would get irritating if you were sitting down to dinner and the ex called and you were talking and laughing while your boyfriend sat there wondering what you were laughing about. Don't be offended but do you enjoy getting attention from both of them? That wouldn't be unusual I am just wondering. Trust you gut feeling since this is such a personal issue. Good Luck.

Men don't like to be faced with a reminder that "their" woman slept with someone else or "their" woman is sleeping with someone other than him. It's a nature thing. They may not even know that is why they don't like each other.

But whether they see each other face to face they know they are or were on the others territory. That is why they don't like each other. Your ex probably doesn't necessarily like that your son probably spends more time with the boyfriend than him and is more of a constant presense in his life than he(ex) is.

Once again this is probably not stated (or even known) but I can tell you that is probably why they do not like each other. It's men and territorial issues.

Pesonally if you really want to be with the boyfriend in harmony, keep your conversations with your ex about your son, or at least don't have longer conversations in front of your current boyfriend or talk about them with him.

There is probably a part of you, whether you know it or not that likes the jealousy they both present surrounding you.

I agree that you should be friendly with your ex but honestly if you have moved on and are commited to the boyfriend you have to consider his feelings first and keep the conversations related to your son only with your ex.

Be honest and think about whether you would be ok with your boyfriend talking to his exgirlfriend for hours on end about things that ultimately he should be talking to you about.

I am not naive enough to believe that people can not have friends of the opposite sex but in this case it is a little too close for comfort.

It comes down to, "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right"

Considering the one you are with now is the boyfriend, his comfort level needs to be respected if you actually plan to be with him long term....but if you don't really care, then keep having the long conversations with your ex.

If I were you I'd rather keep the peace. I know it shouldn't have to be this way, but unfortunately it is.

Just my .02 cents,
J.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y
Plain and simple.... these two are jealous of each other.
It doesn't matter that they have never met. The father of your son doesn't want anyone else to "father" the boy and your boyfriend doesn't like the fact you and the daddy are friends. Boyfriend is worried you two will eventually get together because of the son you share.
Whatever you do KEEP THE DADDY & SON RELATIONSHIP STRONG.
If the boyfriend gives you an ultimatum, kick him to the curb.
K.

Drop the boyfriend... the relationship you have with your child's father is too valuable to allow someone else to discourage. If he loved you and your child, he would love that relationship and respect it.

M. Pippin

I think you are doing the right thing talking to your husband daily. Often, when people divorce the relationship is so severely disrupted that the individuals end up hating each other. By continuing to talk to your child's father, you send the message to your SON that his father is a good person and should be respected. If your son's father is respected, your son will feel respected and develop healthy relationships with both of his parents. Good job.

This being said, your son's father is also probably jealous. Sometimes menvwant their cake and want to eat it too! Make sure you have resolved your feelings with your ex and that a split is really what you want. That way, these feelings don't spill over and effect new relationships. If you are sure you don't have feelings for your ex, set boundaries with your ex and your boyfriend (I respect your feelings, but ultimately I have the right to make decisions reguarding my relationships and neither of you should sabatoge that with my son.)

Do you think that they are jelous, boyfriend because you spend time with the babies father, the babies father because you are with your boyfriend. They need to grow up and its okay to talk to the babies father, however sounds like you could drop the calling to twice a week. You need to tell the babies father that you are in a new relationship and since he is the father he needs to understand that you are moving on and he needs to respect that. Most men do not get along with the ex. Hope this helps. Do what you want to move on and they both need to respect your choice.

of course they dont like each other your boyfriend is probably worried about you getting back with your babys daddy and your babys daddy probably would rather you be with him than be with your boyfriend

The bottom line is men are territorial. Even if they are the ones to have broken things off with a woman, they have issues with the new man in her life. This is especially true if they are not in a good relationship themselves but can be true even if they are. Early on my x had a problem when I first started dating my current husband...I was happy and he wasn't.

Your child's father sees your boyfriend as his replacement (to you and/or your child or possibly to both). If your child lives with you and therefore possibly spends more time with the boyfriend than him, he may fear you child may prefer your boyfriend and/or later begin calling him dad.

Your boyfriend sees your child's father as a man who is forever linked to you (through your child). This would be true even if you didn't have a good relationship with him so it is worse since you seem to have friendship with him. Since your relationship is so friendly, he may actually fear that you may get back together ESPECIALLY since you have child together.

You didn't say how you feel about your son's father and/or how serious you and your boyfriend are so my suggestion to elevate some tension would be to have a talk with each of them. Going on the assumption that you and your child's father do not intend or want to get back together...with your child's father I would suggest that you explain how you feel about continuing to have a good relationship both as a friend and co-parent to your child. You may need to avoid unnecessary daily conversations with him unless they are directly about your child. Not that you can't have a friendly conversation but not daily and not long conversations.

With your boyfriend you should express how you feel about him but also make it clear that your child is your paramount responsibility. You need to make sure he understands that you are extremely lucky to have a good relationship with the father of your child and wish to continue to have a friendly co-parenting relationship with him because that is best for your child. Let him know that you will curb conversations that are not child related.

You should also tell them both that regardless of who you are with, you can and will continue to have friends. In the end, everyone needs to be considerate of all of the relationships involved and get along for the sake of your child!

I would not worry about it,,,,thats their problem,,,,as long as neither one is violent or threatening bodily harm to you or the other person,,,,ignore them,you are right it is better to get along then to be enemies & most of all benificial for your child. Tell them to grow up.I have been married 4 times (my present for 30 years)& have had to deal with this problem,,,,I contend if you hate the father of your child that has to affect feelings to your child,I got along with my two exhusband that had fathered my children & had good relationships with ex in-laws also.That was always a benefit to my children,,,,I was lucky my ex in-laws treated all my boys equal whether they were the biological grands or not & my present husbands parents always tx my boys like they were their flesh & blood,therefore my boys always had a positive attitude about the importance of "family" & it has carried over to their adult life & relationships.All of my children are with their first loves & have been since teens ?Amazing & I like to think its because of the extended familes they grew up with.They also have very positive & loving relationship with my present husband .Stand your ground with both of them & hopefully they will learn to tolarate each other LOL

I don't know the answer to the following question, but the answer you give might help you understand at least your boyfriend's position. if the tables were turned, and this was the situation you were in instead of your bf how comfortable would you feel if your bf had friendly conversations with his ex that went beyond their child? would you be comfortable with that? your ex not liking your bf is simple, there is another man in his child's life. not good in his eyes.
good luck

Playing devil's advocate, if you talk to your son's father about more than just your son, why don't you know why he doesn't like your boyfriend? Or do you know and just don't want to admit it? Is your boyfriend jealous? If so, kick him to the curb! That is no way to live - and NOT the way you want your son raised! Is your ex a valuable friend? Some parents are better friends than lovers and more effective parents as "just friends". If your boyfriend truly doesn't trust you, figure out why he doesn't trust you. If it's his insecurity NOTHING you do will change it. If it's your behavior ONLY YOU can change it. My thoughts are that your ex doesn't like your boyfriend because he's not what's best for you or his son. OR - your ex is jealous and insecure and you don't need him as a friend. You can co-parent without being friends. Only you have the control. Only you can change your life and only you can control how you raise your son. Good luck. It's a hard thing to do, but you need to start putting your son's well-being before your "supposed" happiness.

Hi M. K.
I understand how in the middle you must feel. I am glad to see though that the child is comfortable with the boyfriend and knows who "daddy" is. I am also very glad to see that you speak with the father and that you are on friendly terms. This man will forever be in your life because of your son. It is extremely important that your son sees that he is able to love both of you freely and without any loyalty issues.
As for how both men are reacting, there is often more than can be said in a message board, not knowing all the details. Here a but a few suggestions.
It could be that your ex-spouse is afraid of loosing his son's affection and love. I don't know the details of the visits, but he may fear that the boyfriend is having more time and fun than he is. (Again, not knowing all the details, I am only guessing).
As for the boyfriend, he fears that your involvement with the dad is more than just because of your son. He may feel insecure in your relationship and fears you will go back to him.
As in all steprelationships, it is important to lay down ground rules at the beginning of the relationship with regards to roles, house rules, and anything that will be a possible conflict. Although it doesn't sound very romantic, I tend to see it as entering a business contract and there needs to be negotiations before the deal is sealed.
There are excellent books on steprelationships, "Living in Step", "House Rules" and "He's OK She's OK". There are also several websites that you can look up. www.stepfamily.org and www.coachingsteps.com
I acknowledge that being a single parent and doing what is right can be very difficult and confusing. I hope you will find this useful.

C. L. C.
Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

Why is it important to you that the two of them get along? It's over between you and your ex right, and the only person who still needs the bond with your ex is your son. If your boyfriend was very cordial and friendly with one of his ex's, how would that make you feel? Jealous maybe? Suspicious? Men are egotistical and territorial. You should expect that they will not get along. The ones that do get along are the ones that have the abnormal relationship. What future do you see for you and your boyfriend? If he is important to you and your son, then you probably want to keep your conversations with your ex, short and to the point (except in extreme cases) and work on keeping your relationship with your boyfriend harmonious. I can see no other reason for you maintaining a meaningful friendship with your ex, unless you plan on getting back together with him. And of course by no means, let anything come between the relationship your son has with his father...but that's their relationship (father and son) and you are no longer a part of that family. Your son has two families now and trust me, it works when you allow it to. Good luck!!

Hi K, First of all how long have you and the boyfriend been together? If he is not showing signs of making a serious commitment then he needs to stay out of the relationship you have with your ex. I have certain views on single parents dating, especially when kids are so young (I used to date a single dad with a daughter). Kids are so vulnerable and one thing is parents should not be bringing people they are just dating around the child until they know things are going to be serious. This poses an impact on the child. Sometimes it may be hard if the child has to go out on some dates with you but you should try at all costs not to bring them around. Your ex may have a right to be upset at the boyfriend cause another man's coming in contact with his child and he doesn't know this guy at all. The boyfriend, as I said earlier, has no right or reason at all to get involved with the bond you have with your ex--you two have a child one of the strongest bonds that two people can ever share--so he needs to be told that or move on. You may need to do some serious soul searching as to what you want for you and your child--your life is no longer just YOUR life, everything you do from now on affects your child. Be wise and hasty in your decisions.
Best of luck

This is my opinion.... I have childrens fathers and a boyfriend myself. My suggestion to you is you don't need to speak to your child's father on a daily basis. You broke up with him for a reason right? It sounds like your telling too much information to the new boyfriend. If you really feel the need to talk to his father on a daily basis, why bother telling the boyfriend about everytime you speak? If you already have a visitation agreement set up there really isn't no reason at all to speak to him UNLESS other arrangements need to be made. I never have any reason to speak to my childs father I have all of my visitation set up through daycare so I never have to worry about calling or seeing them. I'd much rather not look or see him ever if I had the choice. Secondly, if you put yourself in your boyfriends shoes how would you feel if he told you he spoke to his baby mama on a daily basis, I bet your feelings would be crushed. Mine would be. Good Luck!

Hi M.,

Why are you with the boyfriend if you talk to your ex everyday? Are you playing a game with both men? You need to look at what your motivation is. What is it? Look within, you'll find the answer.

oh come on,you know exactly what is going on...lets not play coy here. but the thing is you need to find your new normal.you are ither gona have to back off with your ex and make things more all about the baby buisness and not so much were best friends...because lets face it,no man not just your current boyfriend is gona like you being that close to the father of your child.or you can move on to anouther guy who will just accept your relationship with your ex(good luck finding that)i am just afraid you are setting yourself up for failure by holding on so closly to your ex,your gona make it very difficult for a new relationship to blossom. honestly it sounds like there are still feelings there with both you and your ex and if i can pick up on that from never talking to you imagen what your new man is picking up on.even if you are totaly over your ex and the feelings are just on his side you are not helpng the situation by still remaining so close to him. there is a big difference with remaining on good terms with your ex,and not cutting the emotioal ties. good luck.