Is There a Light at the End of the Tunnel?????????

Wow, reading this sounds just like my daughter. They're about the same age. I read lots of parenting mags. It is just a phase. She's wanting to assert her independence. Don't worry about it. One thing I read is not to give a huge reaction when she goes through these tantrums. I know it's driving you nuts, it sure does drive me nuts. Just put her down and walk out as if her actions have no effect on you. You will gather yourself and come back with patience and usually by that time, she will settle down. My daughter these days enjoys hitting me in the face. She does it like five times in a row and I just don't react and just say no hitting, no hitting. She'll get the hint eventually. You are not the only mother going through this. They say it's good that they're doing this because she is right on track with development. Now if only they will remember it when they start dating, lol.

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Just when you thought you were heading out of the "terrible twos" .... well, you don't hear a lot about the "torturous threes" but it's a time for POWER STRUGGLES -- about everything. My friends and I were all surprised that the beginning of the 3s was a lot harder than the 2s. It is a phase, but you have to be consistent, try to not get upset, and offer choices to get her to do what you want, but in her way. Get the result you want, but let her pick an option. (Like: Bath time -- Do you want bubbles or no bubbles in your bath? School Drop Off -- Do you want to hold hands while we walk into school? Kiss, or Hug, or Both for goodbye? Pink or white socks today?) A lot of times they will make a choice, then change their mind, and start throwing a fit about that!! I always made them go with the first choice so that it didn't become a game. I learned to not get upset and calmly say, well, tomorrow you can pick the other socks. 3 minute time outs happened every day -- several times a day! I highly recommend "1,2,3 Magic" by Dr Thomas Phelan. It works and it is easy! It helps you be consistent and not emotional about discipline.

(PS Don't worry, the torturous threes don't last for a whole year. Within a few months, you're going to be thinking, "Wow! This is the BEST age!")

Good Luck and God Bless!

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R.,
Sorry you and your little one are having a tough time. This will pass. It may break your heart, but it will pass!
Keep consistant and try and carve special time after school so she has something to look forward to.
Keep your chin up!
J.

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Hey R.,

We are going through similar discipline issues with my two year old son. He's driving us CRAZY! Not only that, we just get really upset by his defiance and sometimes I just can't wait for bed time. We have to carefully plan our outings in public places, etc... it's a real pain.

My pediatrician recommended a book called 1-2-3 magic, I already ordered it, but haven't read it. The reviews are good, so I am hoping it gives us some resolutions because we are ready to tear our hair out too.

Good luck!

R.,

I just went through this same thing!!! My son turned 3 December 9th and it sounds like his stage started a little earlier than your daughters. It was horrible. I got to the point that I would cry after dropping him off at school because of seeing him cry! He was being very mean to my husband - didn't want anything to do with him (which broke my husband's heart and started making him angry after a while). He only wanted me - and in the morning getting ready for school he didn't want me to leave him so that I could get ready. I was late to work almost every day for about a month.

I have a 5 year old as well and I tried to get him to help me by leading by example. It didn't seem to work very well. One day prio to Christmas he snapped back into normal. I don't know what it was, but he just became the nicest boy and decided he wasn't going to cry at school any more and that he was going to be nice to his daddy.

Now, just before this "snap back to reality" I started being pretty harsh with him. If he was mean to his father (i.e., not giving hugs or kisses goodnight, or telling him to get away) I would not do what he wanted me to. For example, if he didn't give kisses goodnight to Dad then he just got taken straight to bed and laid down instead of our normal routine (book, rubbing back, & prayers). In the morning when I dropped off at school, I would walk straight in, sign him in, put his stuff up, and give him a kiss and walk out (all very quickly).

Now, I don't know if any of these things had anything to do with the "snap back," but he did come back to normal. Now I know it was a stage and possibly a result of the age. My oldest went through separation anxioty at this same age, but didn't get mean and clingy - just didn't want me to leave him at school. I did talk to my youngest about school to see if something was bothering him, but the stories I got were very contradictory (sp), so I never felt like there was really a problem. Talk to your daughter though to see if you can pinpoint something and then confirm what you are hearing with the teachers. Ask the teachers how she is acting at school after she settles down from the morning drop off.

It will pass, but I hesitate in saying that it probably wont be quick and it will be painful. I hope that for your sake she snaps out of it quicker than mine did, but know that regardless she will snap out of it. Keep to your routine as best you can. Try not to give in to everything, but pick your battles. Remember that you are the parent and while you may cry about it in the shower over how you treated her 30 minutes ago, she will be better off for it. It is okay to leave them crying in their room and step away from them for a minute - go outside so you don't hear the screaming if you have to (I had to do it a few times and cried along with him).

Good luck R. and know that you are not the only one that had dealt with this. Try to find comfort within your daughter when she is being kind and tell her how happy you are that she is being so good.

Sam

Just a quick answer, R.--yes, I went through the same thing. My daughter got a little brother right after her third birthday and then started preschool a few months later, but she became more and more extreme that year. It peaked in the month or so before her fourth birthday, and then it was like a switch was flipped--when she turned four, everything was back to being manageable.

My mom raised four kids, and she always said that two gets a bad name--it should be the "terrible threes". So it's not just us. My cousin just had the same thing--her son turned four in January. I think every single girl in my daughter's ballet class had to be carried out at some point during the three year old year!

I know from reading that kids learn a lot about their emotions in the third year, and I always just tried to be a rock, an anchor for her--steady and calm so she could count on me. Believe me, it didn't always work, but that's what I tried for!

Good luck and you're not alone!

Part might be frustration over not being able to communicate, but most is the age. My son will be 4 in April and we have gone through more of these than I can keep track of and he is advanced in verbal communication (now including talking back). He did it with the bath as well even though he has always loved them. When that ended, it was bedtime battles you almost thought would turn bloody! Then, him refusing to get dressed in the morning or let us put his shoes on. Then that ended and now he refuses to wash his hands after using the potty. We stand there and make him while he screams and cries. Last night dad had to do it, pick him up and put him in his PJs without a bath because my son was refusing so horribly! The two's were bad because we just couldn't get him to stay still, we never went out to dinner. Now, he is very good about that but the power struggles during the 3s have been exhausting. I really try to stop a bad situation from happening before it starts, because I know exactly when one is building. However, it just doesn't always work and you can't avoid them all or you set a very bad precedent. I also realize that you can't be overly dominate all the time, they need to win some things. So I tried letting small, unimportant things go so that he didn't feel like all he heard was "no" or "do this". I wish i could say that made things better, but I can't! Good luck and I seriously hope 4 is better!

It may sound a little silly but after spending 15 whole days with mommy, maybe she just misses you. Maybe the routine in the morning of getting dressed and getting in the car, she knows that she isn't going to be with mommy. The only reason I say this is because my daughter just switched to day care from being at a family friends. We had the same issue. She was home with mommy and daddy the entire christmas break, I went back to work, daddy was laid off so he was with her everyday until she stated school at the end of January. Now when I drop her off she cries...momma momma momma. I know it breaks your heart to have your child cry. Everyone tells me just give it a few weeks and she will be back to her old routine.
I hope my experience gives you some insight. Good luck!

Hi R.,
I have always heard & felt that when this type of behavior comes from a chikd rather it is surronding school or froends or athletocs, ect. it is time to takes a much closer look. There may well be some type of abise. Hopefully it is not coming from anyone in authority but ome wonders who to take into confidence on this one. I think that I MIGHT start with either the proncipal or school psych counselor. They should be right on the ball to observe what might be going on. It might just be that her "friends" have begun to tease about her slower speech development but one never knows from where it is coming.
You could begin at home by talking with her about friends & teachers, ect. Watch her eyes and response to the very mention of them. That should give you a clue.
Good Luck on this & let us know what happens!!

S.

Hi R.,

Sorry to hear that, it can be tough when they go thru those spells. Were you home with her the 15 days she was off school at the holidays? If so maybe she is just missing you. Every morning my Son asks me if he has to go to school, because of course he would prefer to stay home with me. He is fine once he gets to school and I know he enjoys it there. He just likes hanging out with me more, which is good to know:-)

She could be at the age where she is seeing how far she can go too, I think they all have these spells.

I would tell her each morning something exciting you are going to do when you get home that night, it can be something simple let her help make dinner, read a favorite book, play hide and seek, just something for her to look forward to so she is thinking about that and not been without you.

It sucks been a working Mom but I think it makes you enjoy the time with them more.

I hope it passes over soon for you.

Good Luck

Jo

Liberty is awful when I drop her off at school. If Mrs. Purcell greets her at the door, she always says "and the Golden Globe goes to Liberty!" She says this because as soon as she walks in she stops crying. I go check through the double sided window and sure enough. Not a hint of sadness. She doesn't like me to change her diaper, but won't use the potty, doesn't like to go to bed anymore, but falls asleep pretty quickly after I walk out. EVERYTHING that use to be easy gets a resounding, "I don't want to do that!", "I don't like it!", bath time too. However, as soon as she is in the bath she is fine. Hang in there!!! Beware of 4's and 5's UGH!! They whine and cry alot at 4 and then 5 they never stop talking and become very bossy. Each year comes with it a different challenge. :)

My first guess could be that she's at that age when she's beginning to define herself. Children begin discovering who they are by the boundaries we, as parents, establish for them. Perhaps you were around family and friends during the Christmas holidays that had an impact on her person, especially young children her age or older...something must have "clicked" in her brain that made her more self-aware. As a result, she's testing you - without really wanting to challenge or upset you. My only suggestion is to stick with it, don't bend to her cries (obviously, unless legitimate), talk to her ...a lot, and, to some extent, "ignore" her whining when she pushes back on baths or going to school, maybe start giving her choices when getting ready for school (let her pick out one of two outfits and one of two options for breakfast). Most of all, love her (and let her know you love her) all the while. And, yes, your patience is critical during this time. Think of it this way: it's preparing you for many more years of mood swings and differences of opinion :) We won't always like their behaviors, and they may not always like what we have to say, but if we can find a way to have our children always respect what we say, we will always have their ear. I'm learning that respect is truly a learned behavior. And remember, the last thing your daughter wants to do is upset you. Best wishes to you and your little girl.

Hi R.:
You didn't say very much about your daughter being language delayed. You probably have had her evaluated, but just in case you haven't, my first guess is that she might be experiencing the frustration of knowing that she isn't communicating her wants and needs. I would either talk to the speech therapist or start there. And as far as communicating with her for now, I would suggest that you take the feelings and perceptions you are having about her feelings, and put them into words so that she can acknowledge them. For example, mommie sees that sometimes you are upset when we ..go to school. Am I right or wrong? Sometimes, that's it for that time slot or day along with a hug and reassurance that you are sorry she is upset sometimes, reassurance of how much you love her.. Then the next time, I come back and say, remember when we were talking yesterday and you said...and I would then ask one more detail..and suggest maybe with happy faces to choose from would she give her teacher a happy face for today or ...the kid who sits beside of her, etc. You have to identify the problem and you sure sound like you are a caring involved mom. Some things you can do, but if the speech issue is anything more than minor, you will need some help. I deal with a grandson who has never been very able to put feelings into words, but has always been able to at least acknowledge what is going on ..or not, by this kind of approach. I hope maybe there is at least some part of an idea that you may find helpful.
B.